I Keep Forgiving and I Feel Like A Door Mat

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When is forgiveness complete and how do you live with a happy heart knowing that even in forgiveness there isn’t necessarily a resolution of the issue?

My husband has broken my trust several times in very big, life-changing, hurtful ways. I openly forgave him the first time with the faith that we would work through the issue and put it behind us. He repeated similar offense two more times.

I understand now that forgiveness doesn’t mean anything in our situation is going to change. However, I am dealing with deep personal feelings of low self esteem because I feel like he knows I’ll just continue to forgive him. Whatever his behavior. In the past I’ve always spoken my mind and am a strong person. In the past (prior to converting to the Catholic faith two years ago), I would have ended the marriage if not after the first offense, definitely after the seconf offense.

Please share with me your challenges and success and understandings of true forgiveness.

God Bless!
AndiV
 
Promises said:
When is forgiveness complete and how do you live with a happy heart knowing that even in forgiveness there isn’t necessarily a resolution of the issue?

My husband has broken my trust several times in very big, life-changing, hurtful ways. I openly forgave him the first time with the faith that we would work through the issue and put it behind us. He repeated similar offense two more times.

I understand now that forgiveness doesn’t mean anything in our situation is going to change. However, I am dealing with deep personal feelings of low self esteem because I feel like he knows I’ll just continue to forgive him. Whatever his behavior. In the past I’ve always spoken my mind and am a strong person. In the past (prior to converting to the Catholic faith two years ago), I would have ended the marriage if not after the first offense, definitely after the seconf offense.

Please share with me your challenges and success and understandings of true forgiveness.

God Bless!
AndiV
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I used to think that i didnt need confession to be forgiven. but when i realized catholic church taught it i cried. But i know i say act of contrition or our father and wait to goto confession. thats good. that explains Jesus says the our father. but any way i think he needs to realize how much forgiveness is important. how he might not appreciate. thats what i know. i dont have advice though.
just spam if you dont get responses though. you will get some.👍
 
Promises

remember, we are weak human beings. The offenses your husband has committed, are something he has a weakness toward, and until he can come to understand the harm he’s doing, he will continue to fail.

A priest told me, “until the REASON for not committing a sin is stronger than the desire, you’ll continue to fail.”

So, pray for him and yes, forgive.

Healing from the hurt will take time, but don’t give up.

Jim
 
Promises said:
When is forgiveness complete and how do you live with a happy heart knowing that even in forgiveness there isn’t necessarily a resolution of the issue?

My husband has broken my trust several times in very big, life-changing, hurtful ways. I openly forgave him the first time with the faith that we would work through the issue and put it behind us. He repeated similar offense two more times.

I understand now that forgiveness doesn’t mean anything in our situation is going to change. However, I am dealing with deep personal feelings of low self esteem because I feel like he knows I’ll just continue to forgive him. Whatever his behavior. In the past I’ve always spoken my mind and am a strong person. In the past (prior to converting to the Catholic faith two years ago), I would have ended the marriage if not after the first offense, definitely after the seconf offense.

Please share with me your challenges and success and understandings of true forgiveness.

God Bless!
AndiV
Click to expand...
As my late Uncle (a Monsignor and the holiest person I ever knew) said to me once (after a long, long, long situation with my first husband, “Jesus said to turn the other cheek, He did not say to let the person beat the stuffing out of you. Remeber, your body and mind is God’s temple.”

Now, I’m not advocating any serious changes, however, remember, making changes is not always a sin…sometimes it’s the right thing!

In the meantime, my most heartfelt prayers are with you and my hopes that you can work everything out together!
 
Forgiveness does not mean that that person who hurt you has to be in your life anymore. Atleast not in the same way they were when they hurty you. Whrn you forgive you can look at that person withtout feellinf angry and hurt again. Youi just let go of resentment.
 
I may be totally wrong here in assuming these are marital infidelities, and if I am wrong just take my advice for what it is worth as pertains to your situation.

First… forgiving and putting up with are two different things. You can forgive him while not allowing him to put your health and life in danger (which is what infidelity can do).

Second… a very wise priest I know told me once that forgiveness is more for the forgiver than the “forgivee.” When we are hurt/angry/ betrayed/ etc… we aren’t mentally in a good place in our relationship with God. When you forgive, it frees your soul to love God more and feel closer to him. When my ex left me I was hurt… my kids were hurt… I was full of anger. When I prayed and confessed in confession it repaired that hurt and resentment that was interfering with my relationship with God. I sat my kids down and we all prayed for their dad… and they felt so much better too. The funny thing about it is that you can’t stay angry at a person you are praying for, instead you feel compassion and mercy… but you don’t have to feel like a doormat! Then it is alot easier to forgive.

Third, you haven’t said how cooperative he is when he wants forgiveness… does he just depend on the fact that you will forgive, or does he actually put forth some effort for a while? If he puts forth effort, I would insist that he go to counseling and you both go to Retrouville for a weekend to work on your marriage.

I don’t think it is unreasonable to ask for a proactive approach to healing your marriage. And please, for your safety (if this about infidelity) don’t engage in the marital embrace until both of you have been checked for STD’s.
 
Thank you, everyone for your responses.

My husband did not commit adultery. He committed very big lies to me that profoundly affected our home safety and financial well being. He never confessed the lies to me. I found them out on my own and it was earth shattering.

He expressed great remorse each time and said it was a mistake. I believed him and chose to forgive him and to try to rebuild.

I had the belief that there was strength in forgiveness and that if I did forgive him, it would bring healing and build up of our marriage.

In truth, I hold more anger towards myself than him. I can’t believe that I have allowed so much grief in my life and that I have been so compromised by someone I love.

I pray for him each day and I offer up my anger in the Rosary each morning. I can only hope that he will agree to counseling someday. As of now, that’s a no go.

So I guess, in contemplating the act of forgiveness, I have assumed certain things would happen that didn’t. And I can only answer for myself.

God Bless!
AndiV
 
Perhaps your being an enabler. If it was gambling you could get help from GA ( gamblers anonymous ) on how to deal with the problem most effectively. try to find the right people to help you deal with the situation.
God forgives and forgets completely. Hard to do but that’s how forgiveness is supposed to be.
 
John is right. Forgiveness doesn’t mean letting your husband off scott-free without any consequence. Don’t enable him in what he is doing.

Sometimes, the best remedy is for the person to hit rock bottom, from the life-style they’ve been living. It is only when the hit bottom, they can begin to pick themselves up.

In the mean time, my prayers are with you and for your husband.

God Bless
Jim
 
There is a lot of good advice already here. Forgiveness is not forgetting or allowing bad things to continue - you do not need to be a door mat. I don’t know your exact situation, but the Church does not require you to stay legally married to someone who is putting you in harm’s way and would support your removing yourself from harm (you mention the safety of the home and financial well-being being affected). This is not saying you would not be married in the Church’s eyes - totally different story. But please take care of yourself and any children - God loves you and wants good things for you.
 
Dear Andi… my heart goes out to you. Forgiveness has been a major issue in my life for the past few years, too. You’re traveling a difficult road. The “betrayal” of someone you love, is probably one of life’s most hurtful situations. But that road is not without hope.

I suffered another kind of family “betrayal”… but, every bit as painful. My betrayal involved my two sisters… and other close family members (an aunt, cousins… etc.). The short version: My mother and I were convinced by family… to leave our home on the west coast… and move to another on the east coast… with the promises and assurances of “family togetherness”. But it didn’t work out that way.

Soon after moving, things started to go wrong in the family. One sisters husband was nearly killed in an auto accident. Our mother started to have a series of critical health problems and on and on. Well, my two sisters ended up leaving us (the married one, first divorcing her recovering husband), and moving back home. As I struggled with my mothers health concerns… I soon realized, that it would be impossible for us to follow the family back (mother’s health was and continues to be… extremely frail… and the cost of her care and necessities wouldn’t be possible, in the state we came from). In short, I was left completely alone with the care of our elderly mother… whose most recent medical diagnosis was Alzheimer’s Disease (2006).

I spent a couple of years… before my return to the Church suffering from intense, bitter hurt and anger toward my family, as a result of these abandonment’s. But once I returned to the Church… and the Sacraments… I started to feel a sense of God’s peace and healing. I believe that much of this… has been accomplished through the Mass… and time spent before the Blessed Sacrament.

Meditation on Scripture has also helped me greatly. And in the area of forgiveness… there is one passage that (for me) stands out above all others.

“And when they came to the place called the Skull, they crucified Him there, and the robbers, one on His right hand and the other on His left. And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing”. Luke 23:33-34

When I read this passage, or simply think of it in my mind… it is a powerful reminder to me… of how MUCH Our dear Lord had to forgive… and He did. It then becomes a little easier for me, to forgive those who have hurt me so deeply.

I wish you peace and healing… and most of all… strong and ongoing faith in the goodness of God. He knows our sufferings… and He knows our grief’s… because He Himself, has carried them. God bless.
 
Thank you, everyone. My married life has been a very bumpy one and it has challenges from many directions (I’ve posted on “Have you ever experienced a demonic attack”).

I finally told him that I had said and tried anything and everything I knew to encourage and work through this issue with him. I told him that even though he was pushing to stay in a marriage that was unhappy, it didn’t secure the marriage without effort on his part. I told him that without his making changes all that was left for me to do was to fall out of love with him. Then there would be nothing left to fix.

These words seemed to affect him most and he has modified his behavior and isn’t arguing with me. I have tried to seek counseling through our Church in the past, but he has resisted. Maybe he will be open to it now. I should probably “strike while the iron is hot”!

God Bless!
AndiV
 
Good for you ,
I would forgive and forgive and my wife would keep on not forgiving, she would say I was forgiving because I was doing the same things again, that negative would try to minimise any thought of Jesus being Lord.
I would go to work and the boys would put me down ( over 19 years) I forgave not only would I, but I would smile at all times, pray for them, I said a novena for them that took 365 days 4 hours per day, they put me down I smiled.

I learned to play darts because there was a competition comming I entered it with my work mates. In the singles I got through to the finals against a person who was 8th in New Zealand. This was a shock to the boys, miracls started to happen things the boys could not understand would start happening.
I kept on praying for them, my wife kept on putting me down, she set me up to fail I kept on smiling praising Jesus His love He put into my heart was so so so strong I could not help but smile.
I was frowned upon in our Catholic church, not understood, put aside, rejected, praise God for they rejected Jesus to and Jesus told us this would happen, in our own home (church) still I smiled.

.I said words to my cousins girlfriend not thinking what I was saying, latter his girlfriend called me on the phone she said “I want what you have”??? I could only tell her that all I could give was Jesus Christ.
She called me around and I invited Jesus and the Holy Spirit, when I got there, at her table were 7 women and they said they all wanted what I had, “Jesus”. I prayed, they asked forgiveness for their sins they asked for Jesus to come into their hearts, then they asked for the Holy Spirit to enter them to help them.

And that was the beginning.
Was it or is it worth my giving my heart to Jesus telling Jesus and the Holy Spirit to do with me what they want? Of corse it is, i would and I do go through all of that again every day. i must forgive at all times.
Forgiveness is the greatest gift (in God’s love ) that I have with His Love in me and His mercy. No matter what.
One night I thought Jesus told me to make a meal take it to a town 16 miles form home I would find a man on the side of the road, give it to him. I did that not knowing the person or if it were real or not.
Still i smiled and some years latter my cousins wife gave me a two page artical of this man who was trying to take his life and how he asked “Jesus if You are real I am so hungry”.
This man had writen how he tried to take his life, lost his family because of druggs, drink and how at his time of dispair, he cried out to God, for help. Rigtht at that time, this man came around the corner in the late of night and told him, Brother Jesus told me to give you this. This story was writen into a paper for many to read of God’s love. He forgave and the family came back together and received Jesus.

Well I still smile My marrage took me to the end of hell, with migrain ( I had never had) my daughter murderd, plain police at the funeral because the boyfriend wanted to kill my family, latter he hung himself in front of my grandchildren, oldest 7, 5, 4, my marrage broke up, my grand children so fare away I am not able to see them ( lack of money) lost my house.
All this while studing at Uni, my car stolen 2 years latter seeinig it in another town when the police were called they had put it into the hard to find bin then sold it to some other. But still I smile in the “dark of night” Jesus allowed me to go into hell but still there is love, a greater love in my heart than I could ever know.
The greatest love I could ever find and still it grows more each day and all in Jesus name. And still I will smile. Oh come Holy Spirit.
I cannot live without You.
Godbless
 
Godlovestrength said:
Good for you ,
I would forgive and forgive and my wife would keep on not forgiving, she would say I was forgiving because I was doing the same things again, that negative would try to minimise any thought of Jesus being Lord.
I would go to work and the boys would put me down ( over 19 years) I forgave not only would I, but I would smile at all times, pray for them, I said a novena for them that took 365 days 4 hours per day, they put me down I smiled.

I learned to play darts because there was a competition comming I entered it with my work mates. In the singles I got through to the finals against a person who was 8th in New Zealand. This was a shock to the boys, miracls started to happen things the boys could not understand would start happening.
I kept on praying for them, my wife kept on putting me down, she set me up to fail I kept on smiling praising Jesus His love He put into my heart was so so so strong I could not help but smile.
I was frowned upon in our Catholic church, not understood, put aside, rejected, praise God for they rejected Jesus to and Jesus told us this would happen, in our own home (church) still I smiled.

.I said words to my cousins girlfriend not thinking what I was saying, latter his girlfriend called me on the phone she said “I want what you have”??? I could only tell her that all I could give was Jesus Christ.
She called me around and I invited Jesus and the Holy Spirit, when I got there, at her table were 7 women and they said they all wanted what I had, “Jesus”. I prayed, they asked forgiveness for their sins they asked for Jesus to come into their hearts, then they asked for the Holy Spirit to enter them to help them.

And that was the beginning.
Was it or is it worth my giving my heart to Jesus telling Jesus and the Holy Spirit to do with me what they want? Of corse it is, i would and I do go through all of that again every day. i must forgive at all times.
Forgiveness is the greatest gift (in God’s love ) that I have with His Love in me and His mercy. No matter what.
One night I thought Jesus told me to make a meal take it to a town 16 miles form home I would find a man on the side of the road, give it to him. I did that not knowing the person or if it were real or not.
Still i smiled and some years latter my cousins wife gave me a two page artical of this man who was trying to take his life and how he asked “Jesus if You are real I am so hungry”.
This man had writen how he tried to take his life, lost his family because of druggs, drink and how at his time of dispair, he cried out to God, for help. Rigtht at that time, this man came around the corner in the late of night and told him, Brother Jesus told me to give you this. This story was writen into a paper for many to read of God’s love. He forgave and the family came back together and received Jesus.

Well I still smile My marrage took me to the end of hell, with migrain ( I had never had) my daughter murderd, plain police at the funeral because the boyfriend wanted to kill my family, latter he hung himself in front of my grandchildren, oldest 7, 5, 4, my marrage broke up, my grand children so fare away I am not able to see them ( lack of money) lost my house.
All this while studing at Uni, my car stolen 2 years latter seeinig it in another town when the police were called they had put it into the hard to find bin then sold it to some other. But still I smile in the “dark of night” Jesus allowed me to go into hell but still there is love, a greater love in my heart than I could ever know.
The greatest love I could ever find and still it grows more each day and all in Jesus name. And still I will smile. Oh come Holy Spirit.
I cannot live without You.
Godbless
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that’s beautiful. It’s nice to hear the voice of someone as faithful as you. I wish I was.
 
Interrelating the other thread (satin or God) and this one I get the feeling of a most beautiful person like that of St. Bernadette in you I hope so.

Remember God gives NO more than we can take and He goes BEFORE us to prepare the way, and then just to top it all up He is there to speak to us or us speak to HIm if we wish.

Godbless.
 
Promises said:
Thank you, everyone. My married life has been a very bumpy one and it has challenges from many directions (I’ve posted on “Have you ever experienced a demonic attack”).

I finally told him that I had said and tried anything and everything I knew to encourage and work through this issue with him. I told him that even though he was pushing to stay in a marriage that was unhappy, it didn’t secure the marriage without effort on his part. I told him that without his making changes all that was left for me to do was to fall out of love with him. Then there would be nothing left to fix.

These words seemed to affect him most and he has modified his behavior and isn’t arguing with me. I have tried to seek counseling through our Church in the past, but he has resisted. Maybe he will be open to it now. I should probably “strike while the iron is hot”!

God Bless!
AndiV
Click to expand...
You know my wife wouldn’t go to a counsellor in our church either and this was the disaster, be open to your changing also, and it may mean that just the same way God used the DONKEY to speak to His prophet God might be wanting you to go to your husband at his height, his choice of counsellor, you know opening the door allowing him to feel that he also has choices, and youdo the praying for a God;y counsellor, the way Jesus goes to us at ours.

Could be worth thinking about relating to the Holy Spirit!

Godbless
 
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