I killed my conscience

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Kendy

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So, I have struggled with a sin for years. And when I became a Christian I initially worked hard to overcome it. I used to feel great guilt and sorrow when I fell, but after a few weeks, I was at it again. Over time, it seemed like a lot of priests were telling that it wasn’t a big deal and I began to tell it slide. And now, I don’t even feel bad anymore. I still know that what I am doing is wrong. But my feelings are not there. I feel no guilt, no sorrow, even my shame. I am really worried that I am going to completely backslide and I don’t know how to turn it around.

Kendy:blush:
 
Hi Kendy, you were convincing yourself that you had “killed your conscience”, but in fact that you posted this thread it means that you are conscious about it.

Keep praying and never giving up. Going to confession and more daily mass if you could. If you pray the Rosary, please continue do so …or start praying the Rosary.

You are in my prayer. God bless.
 
water said:
Hi Kendy, you were convincing yourself that you had “killed your conscience”, but in fact that you posted this thread it means that you are conscious about it.

Keep praying and never giving up. Going to confession and more daily mass if you could. If you pray the Rosary, please continue do so …or start praying the Rosary.

You are in my prayer. God bless.
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Thank you. :). I go the mass often during the week and I pray daily, including the rosary, but I still struggle with the same things. 😦
 
Kendy said:
Thank you. :). I go the mass often during the week and I pray daily, including the rosary, but I still struggle with the same things. 😦
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So do I. Sometimes I care, sometimes I don’t. So we just keep trying, don’t we?
 
Kendy, there’s tons of folks who battle and fail. Pray for them. There’s no rhyme or reason when I consider my own failings.

When I hide not from God, and strive to be of some good use to others: corporal & spiritual works of mercy while making others the focus of my sojourn, then it all seems so much more right.
 
Kendy said:
So, I have struggled with a sin for years. And when I became a Christian I initially worked hard to overcome it. I used to feel great guilt and sorrow when I fell, but after a few weeks, I was at it again. Over time, it seemed like a lot of priests were telling that it wasn’t a big deal and I began to tell it slide. And now, I don’t even feel bad anymore. I still know that what I am doing is wrong. But my feelings are not there. I feel no guilt, no sorrow, even my shame. I am really worried that I am going to completely backslide and I don’t know how to turn it around.

Kendy:blush:
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Well, if it’s an addiction, you should probably seek professional help.
 
Kendy said:
So, I have struggled with a sin for years. And when I became a Christian I initially worked hard to overcome it. I used to feel great guilt and sorrow when I fell, but after a few weeks, I was at it again. Over time, it seemed like a lot of priests were telling that it wasn’t a big deal and I began to tell it slide. And now, I don’t even feel bad anymore. I still know that what I am doing is wrong. But my feelings are not there. I feel no guilt, no sorrow, even my shame. I am really worried that I am going to completely backslide and I don’t know how to turn it around.

Kendy:blush:
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We ALL deal with this problem constantly.

There are exactly TWO possible ways to find the motivation to keep up the struggle, and ONE way to be defeated by your struggle:
  • Actively choose to make a radical change in your habits of life to help others in some way to replace the habit of doing whatever sin it is that has become habitual.
  • God will “break you”, at your (nearly entirely unconscious) choosing, and after a rock-bottom experience you will finally find out why your previous habitual sin was worth avoiding by concentrating on others instead of yourself.
  • God will allow you to become indifferent to sin, and allow you your desired hell, with this life being either (most likey) “comfortably non-joyous”, or (probably less likely) “hellishly desparate”.
 
Thank you. . I go the mass often during the week and I pray daily, including the rosary, but I still struggle with the same things.

**Welcome to the human condition. We all have besetting sins.

Someone once asked a monk, “What do you do all day in a monastery?” The monk replied, “We fall down and get up, we stumble, fall down, and get back up. And we stumble again and fall down again and get back up again. And eventually we stumble a last time and pick ourselves up on the other side of the threshhold of heaven.”**
 
I almost feel resistence to opening up and talking about my sin - because Jesus has forgiven it?
However, I MUST reach out for help, like you.
I used to be so close to Jesus, but I committed adultery against Jesus. Today, I am so confused, and sometimes I KNOW what I am doing wrong, but having received so much different (name removed by moderator)ut on it, I cannot 100% know for sure what is wrong (or maybe I PRETEND I don’t know?) most people say that my concerns don’t matter… I cannot see how they don’t… but I have come to see that the reason they tell me that is because they themselves are not very strong in faith, even though they are ministers. I am a soul looking to be set free…
I would run to Christ for help if I weren’t ashamed to look on His face, and if I wasn’t unwilling to yield 100% control to the obedience to His command… I have a problem with wanting to have control…
when I look at people, I feel ashamed, and I cannot look at them in the eyes, because I am not revealing Jesus as I should, because I know about my unreasonable sins against Jesus. I have fallen so far, and I feel that I have caused damage in the Kingdom of God (what you allow in the earth is allowed in the Kingdom of Heaven [the Kingdom of Heaven is within you]… what you disallow on earth is disallowed in the Kingdom of Heaven [within you]." For which reason it says, “…remove the wicked man from among you.” + “…evil communications corrupt good morals.” proven again in:
“…the angels of God will go forth and remove from the Kingdom of Heaven those who work lawlessness and cause others to stumble…”
“he who is slack in his work is brother to him who destroys (satan).” --lazy
“If that wicked servant says in his heart, my master delays his coming’, and begins to eat and drink with the drunkards and the gluttons and begins to beat his fellow slaves and female slaves…” --wicked
definition:
“You wicked, lazy slave…” wicked + lazy

I wouldn’t reach out to anyone if I hadn’t struggled with this for 5 years already.

I do not feel like I am being obedient to the Spirit of God in writing this, but I have already tried to follow what I believed was His leading so many times and either it wasn’t Him or I have not had the fortitude to carry through 100%…

I had always condemned unfaithful people in the world for their unfaithfulness (probably because my mother and father divorced when I was young and she had spoken about this some times?) and wondered at it, thinking I was better, and yet, I myself had done this very thing. I feel right now that Jesus does not want me to think about this, but to get back up and be strong and FORGET about it, because I am forgiven and that is the purpose of His blood, and to move on… but I am so alone in my faith, as per my desire, and I see that to the contrary of my desire, I am in need of the grace of brotherhood… I am only a fledgling Christian and I know that God has used me to do certain works, but I don’t want to be among those who have done works in His name but not known Him (even though I have known Him) … but I need to be stronger in TRUSTING God… too many times I lean on my works and my knowledge.

I feel like I am caught in a never-ending circle: I want to go out and evangelize, like I have in the past, convicting men and bringing them to Christ, but I myself am not with Christ - how can I bring them to Someone I am not submitted to? But when I try to pray and submit, I cannot because I feel I cannot approach Christ, and I know I need to battle with the darkness by using His word of light and give up my own thoughts…

is there someone here who has real experience with Jesus Christ, and can speak words of life and guidance?..
 
Like someone else said, obviously you do still care and feel bad about your sin, because you started this thread.

We all struggle daily with something (or multiple things). I like the story of the monk that someone posted – it reminds me that I can keep getting back up too with God’s help.

Perhaps you can think about Jesus’ carrying of the cross – He didn’t keep stumbling because of the weight of His sins (for He had none) but because of our sins. Despite the heavy burden, He kept getting back up and carrying that cross out of love. We can do the same for Him (and He’ll help us!).

Praying for you Kendy. :crossrc: :hug1:
 
a great habit and essential to spiritual growth, according to many directors, is the daily examen. that is a review of your day, usually at night,
pray to the Holy Spirit for enlightenment
review the events, words, actions of the day
pay attention to feelings that arise from those events, especially joy, thanksgiving, contrition.
pray from one of those feelings
make a resolution for tomorrow
pray the Our Father and and act of Contrition

in this way, when it becomes part of daily prayer, you will avoid the situation of “not remembering” sins, or avoiding confrontation with the guilt of them.
 
dan1el said:
when I look at people, I feel ashamed, and I cannot look at them in the eyes,

I wouldn’t reach out to anyone if I hadn’t struggled with this for 5 years already.

I do not feel like I am being obedient to the Spirit of God in writing this, but I have already tried to follow what I believed was His leading so many times and either it wasn’t Him or I have not had the fortitude to carry through 100%…

I feel right now that Jesus does not want me to think about this, but to get back up and be strong and FORGET about it, because I am forgiven and that is the purpose of His blood, and to move on… but I am so alone in my faith, as per my desire, and I see that to the contrary of my desire, I am in need of the grace of brotherhood… I am only a fledgling Christian and I know that God has used me to do certain works, but I don’t want to be among those who have done works in His name but not known Him (even though I have known Him) …

but I need to be stronger in TRUSTING God… too many times I lean on my works and my knowledge.

is there someone here who has real experience with Jesus Christ, and can speak words of life and guidance?..
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To take the last question first… yes, how about YOU?
You know Christ in His Mercy (Forgiveness). He does not say it should be forgotten (by you), since this is part of the Human Condition… and your History.
I believe as St. Paul said, he mentioned his history (as Saul), many times in his travels, he did not forget, and part of that remembering helped him drive on to the contrary in the early Church, the other part was Christ’s forgiveness and assistance. In that forgiveness comes the Grace to continue. And what you know through experience is that condition, it is in that where you can help others in that condition. Once you are out of it, you become the way out for others. You have first-hand experience, are a living example, of the journey IN and the road OUT.
You are no different then the rest of us, you too are a Child of the Universe, one of God’s Children… look others in the eye, meet them one-on-one, empathize as you will be able to. Use those feelings to help guide others on the road OUT… and go hand-in-hand with them to get there. It is like you going to the others level (you have been there and Christ has given you His Graces… Fear Not) and not only showing the way out, but also walking with them on that (Very Familiar for you, frightful for them) very road.
Do not think that your personal life experiences are to be forgotten after Christ’s forgiveness. The price paid on tuition, both yours and Christ’s, can be of Service to others. That is where you can best help others. As St. Paul (Saul) showed us.
 
Kendy said:
I used to feel great guilt and sorrow when I fell, but after a few weeks, I was at it again. Over time, it seemed like a lot of priests were telling that it wasn’t a big deal and I began to tell it slide. And now, I don’t even feel bad anymore. I still know that what I am doing is wrong. But my feelings are not there. I feel no guilt, no sorrow, even my shame.
Kendy:blush:
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Kendy,
I think that sometimes we place too much emphasis on our feelings. God knows that our culture is reinforcing this all the time with its if-it-feels-good-do-it mentality. We live too much in our feelings. We act on our feelings without letting our intellect decide whether that action is for our good or not. I would suggest that you begin reading Scripture --even if it is simply the daily readings–and pick up the Cathlolic Catechism and read even a paragraph a day. Ask the Holy Spirit to enlighten your intellect and purify your feelings.

God’s blessings upon you as you journey with HIm.
Bonnie
 
Kendy said:
So, I have struggled with a sin for years. And when I became a Christian I initially worked hard to overcome it. I used to feel great guilt and sorrow when I fell, but after a few weeks, I was at it again. Over time, it seemed like a lot of priests were telling that it wasn’t a big deal and I began to tell it slide. And now, I don’t even feel bad anymore. I still know that what I am doing is wrong. But my feelings are not there. I feel no guilt, no sorrow, even my shame. I am really worried that I am going to completely backslide and I don’t know how to turn it around.
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I hate to break this to you, but I’m afraid that, like me, you’re a sinner. :eek:

I wonder if the Lord gives us the sweetness of His mercy in the beginning as He’d do to a child, but then He expects us to grow spiritually and, as mature beings, that we get our act together. Thus, if we don’t, it may be the case that the Lord is calling us to love Him, not His sweetness, to refrain from sin because of His love, not because of His sweetness.

:blessyou:
 
I was told by a very holy priest that revisiting past sins is a form of self-love, and when we fall, we are to say, “Lord, what can you expect of me but falls?”, ask for forgiveness, and move on.

Kendy, you are relying on your own strength to fight this battle. It is your cross, and you have not embraced it.

Dan1el, you are also relying on yourself. You are focusing on yourself, not God. As long as you do that, you will never do His Will, not even if you heal, and “bring people to the Lord”, and perform miracles in His name.

"Not everyone who says to me, Lord, Lord, will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, Lord,
Lord, did we not prophesy in your name? Did we not drive out demons in your name? Did we not do mighty deeds in your name? … (Matthew 7:21-22)
 
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