I Know I Raised Him Better Than This

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Jane070464

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Hello. I’m new here but I’ve stumbled on to this site a lot over the years when I am researching issues related to faith. You guys seem friendly and I’m hoping to get some help.

My 27 year old son has just moved in with his girlfriend of almost 3 years. I am so livid, sad, and hurt. I know I raised him to know better and to have more respect for himself and for God. I also feel completely helpless to turn this around. He has been financially independent since he graduated college, so I can’t threaten to cut off support. I tried to talk to him about it but he wasn’t open to discussing my concerns. The girl is nice, and I know they’re planning on marriage, but this is backwards. And I know this is selfish, but part of be is ashamed. I doubt anyone will judge me but I can’t help but worry that they might when they find out that my son is living in sin, as though I didn’t raise him properly or instill enough faith in him. My husband is very upset too, and I’ve spent much of the past few weeks trying to soothe his anger, though most of his seems to be directed at the girl. I’m upset with both of them, because I recognize that this was a joint decision, but she isn’t my child, he is, and I’m very hurt and shocked at the behavior of my son.

I don’t know if I’m looking for advice or just venting, but if you have any (name removed by moderator)ut or any ideas of what I can do to at least feel better if not fix the situation I would welcome it.
 
Jane070464 said:
Hello. I’m new here but I’ve stumbled on to this site a lot over the years when I am researching issues related to faith. You guys seem friendly and I’m hoping to get some help.

My 27 year old son has just moved in with his girlfriend of almost 3 years. I am so livid, sad, and hurt. I know I raised him to know better and to have more respect for himself and for God. I also feel completely helpless to turn this around. He has been financially independent since he graduated college, so I can’t threaten to cut off support. I tried to talk to him about it but he wasn’t open to discussing my concerns. The girl is nice, and I know they’re planning on marriage, but this is backwards. And I know this is selfish, but part of be is ashamed. I doubt anyone will judge me but I can’t help but worry that they might when they find out that my son is living in sin, as though I didn’t raise him properly or instill enough faith in him. My husband is very upset too, and I’ve spent much of the past few weeks trying to soothe his anger, though most of his seems to be directed at the girl. I’m upset with both of them, because I recognize that this was a joint decision, but she isn’t my child, he is, and I’m very hurt and shocked at the behavior of my son.

I don’t know if I’m looking for advice or just venting, but if you have any (name removed by moderator)ut or any ideas of what I can do to at least feel better if not fix the situation I would welcome it.
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My wife and I have a 37 year old son who has been married twice and divorced. The ink isn’t even dry on his most recent divorce and he’s already got a new girlfriend he’s planning to marry. We also are shocked at his behavior since we took our three kids to church ( Protestant) every time the doors were open and tried to raise them all the best we knew at the time.🤷 My wife and I are now Catholics, none of our kids are. They think we are crazy for converting. Our one son had a little daughter that the government took away from him because he and his ex were such bad parents. She is about 8 years old and we have no idea where she even is! Who did my wife and I tick off to be in this fix we don’t know, but I’ll probably not see any of you all in heaven no matter what I do from now on. I feel like warmed over s**t!😊
 
I’m glad that you have come to CAF, and hope that you will receive good counsel from the wise people here. I found myself in the same position that you are in. As you can see from my location that I live in Italy. That meant that our son had to inform us of his decision to move in with his fiancee over the phone. His father and I hit the roof! The girl was Catholic too, but I blamed it on our son since I knew that he knew better, and should have more respect for the person that he wanted to marry. I asked him what was he going to say to his daughter when she wanted to move in with some guy? He had no answer, of course. After that I did not mention it again. We made it clear to him that we would never visit their home until they were married, and we didn’t. When we went back to the States for vacations, we just saw them in restaurants or someone else’s home. When they visited us, they had separate bedrooms. I stormed Heaven every day with my prayers. They did get married in the Church, and I am trying to put this behind us. There is really nothing you can do to stop self-supporting adult children from doing what they want. All we could do was to keep communications open, but show our disapproval by not visiting their home, and pray that they would resolve the situation soon. Thank the Lord they are married now, and attend Mass every Sunday. That is the best I could have hoped for.
 
Jane070464 said:
Hello. I’m new here but I’ve stumbled on to this site a lot over the years when I am researching issues related to faith. You guys seem friendly and I’m hoping to get some help.

My 27 year old son has just moved in with his girlfriend of almost 3 years. I am so livid, sad, and hurt. I know I raised him to know better and to have more respect for himself and for God. I also feel completely helpless to turn this around. He has been financially independent since he graduated college, so I can’t threaten to cut off support. I tried to talk to him about it but he wasn’t open to discussing my concerns. The girl is nice, and I know they’re planning on marriage, but this is backwards. And I know this is selfish, but part of be is ashamed. I doubt anyone will judge me but I can’t help but worry that they might when they find out that my son is living in sin, as though I didn’t raise him properly or instill enough faith in him. My husband is very upset too, and I’ve spent much of the past few weeks trying to soothe his anger, though most of his seems to be directed at the girl. I’m upset with both of them, because I recognize that this was a joint decision, but she isn’t my child, he is, and I’m very hurt and shocked at the behavior of my son.

I don’t know if I’m looking for advice or just venting, but if you have any (name removed by moderator)ut or any ideas of what I can do to at least feel better if not fix the situation I would welcome it.
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Lamentably, there is nothing you can do that would “fix the situation.” Both people are free human beings. You need to respect his freedom. You cannot make him toe the line in any case.

The judgement of others should not be an issue, as, sadly, this kind of life arrangement is now considered “normal.” Nobody will give it a thought.

And the young man’s choices in no way reflect upon you. God faced the same with Adam.

ICXC NIKA
 
LegoGE1947 said:
My wife and I have a 37 year old son who has been married twice and divorced. The ink isn’t even dry on his most recent divorce and he’s already got a new girlfriend he’s planning to marry. We also are shocked at his behavior since we took our three kids to church ( Protestant) every time the doors were open and tried to raise them all the best we knew at the time.🤷 My wife and I are now Catholics, none of our kids are. They think we are crazy for converting. Our one son had a little daughter that the government took away from him because he and his ex were such bad parents. She is about 8 years old and we have no idea where she even is! Who did my wife and I tick off to be in this fix we don’t know, but I’ll probably not see any of you all in heaven no matter what I do from now on. I feel like warmed over s**t!😊
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Don’t beat yourself up. You’re not responsible for others’ bad actions.

There’s absolutely no reason you shouldn’t get to heaven. Don’t despair of God’s mercy.

God Bless
 
He’s a self-supporting adult with free will who simply doesn’t see the situation the same way you do. There’s nothing you can do. Let it go. Making a big deal about it is just going to alienate him.
GEddie said:
God faced the same with Adam.
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I never thought of it that way before. I like it. In fact, if you don’t mind, I’m going to use this myself. People will marvel at my wisdom. 👍
 
bilop said:
Don’t beat yourself up. You’re not responsible for others’ bad actions.

There’s absolutely no reason you shouldn’t get to heaven. Don’t despair of God’s mercy.

God Bless
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Thank you for at least reading my rant!🤷
 
Don’t lose hope. No one is going to judge you. Pray for St. Monica to intercede. Her prayers worked for her son, they’ll work for your son too.
 
Jane070464 said:
Hello. I’m new here but I’ve stumbled on to this site a lot over the years when I am researching issues related to faith. You guys seem friendly and I’m hoping to get some help.

My 27 year old son has just moved in with his girlfriend of almost 3 years. I am so livid, sad, and hurt. I know I raised him to know better and to have more respect for himself and for God. I also feel completely helpless to turn this around. He has been financially independent since he graduated college, so I can’t threaten to cut off support. I tried to talk to him about it but he wasn’t open to discussing my concerns. The girl is nice, and I know they’re planning on marriage, but this is backwards. And I know this is selfish, but part of be is ashamed. I doubt anyone will judge me but I can’t help but worry that they might when they find out that my son is living in sin, as though I didn’t raise him properly or instill enough faith in him. My husband is very upset too, and I’ve spent much of the past few weeks trying to soothe his anger, though most of his seems to be directed at the girl. I’m upset with both of them, because I recognize that this was a joint decision, but she isn’t my child, he is, and I’m very hurt and shocked at the behavior of my son.

I don’t know if I’m looking for advice or just venting, but if you have any (name removed by moderator)ut or any ideas of what I can do to at least feel better if not fix the situation I would welcome it.
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:grouphug::console::hug1::hug3: :gopray:
 
Jane070464 said:
And I know this is selfish, but part of be is ashamed. I doubt anyone will judge me but I can’t help but worry that they might when they find out that my son is living in sin, as though I didn’t raise him properly or instill enough faith in him.
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You have to think of St Monica and the many other saintly mothers who honed their humility and faith in these same trials. We all do it, (measure our success as parents on how children turn out) but it is a kind of subtle pride to feel that way.
 
Been through it. When you have a chance talk privately with your son (not with girlfriend there). Just calmly assure him that you love him and will always love him. That his decision has hurt you and your husband, but you will not nag him about it, and you’ll be praying for him and his girlfriend every day. Leave it at that, give him a hug, and be kind and gentle to both of them. Your son won’t forget the talk you had, and will know you pray for him to rethink things and make good changes. And I would not be surprised if he doesn’t do so, down the road.

Don’t ruin your relationship with him. Let him know one time how you feel, and then move on. He’s an adult, and his choices are his to make. Your example, love and prayers will help him most.
 
My daughter did the same. 😦 Sometimes, young people have to make their own mistakes before they really “get it” and grow up. It is not a reflection on the way they were raised: it is their attempt to make their own decisions in life, however wrong they can be. BTW, my daughter and the 1st young man broke up, and she is now married to an ever better guy (they did not live together first) and mom to the world’s #1 cutest baby. She told me later how much she came to regret moving in with the first guy and wished she had not done it. The hardest part being a parent is watching your kids make dumb mistakes, but sooner or later they will figure it out.
 
Catholic1954 said:
My daughter did the same. 😦 Sometimes, young people have to make their own mistakes before they really “get it” and grow up. It is not a reflection on the way they were raised: it is their attempt to make their own decisions in life, however wrong they can be. BTW, my daughter and the 1st young man broke up, and she is now married to an ever better guy (they did not live together first) and mom to the world’s #1 cutest baby. She told me later how much she came to regret moving in with the first guy and wished she had not done it. The hardest part being a parent is watching your kids make dumb mistakes, but sooner or later they will figure it out.
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You would think that by age 37 our son would’ve figured it out by now:shrug:
 
My 72 year old uncle moved in with his girlfriend, too. 😦 ***I know his parents raised him better than that. ***–my poor grandparents they are probably rolling in their graves.
 
turtle18 said:
My 72 year old uncle moved in with his girlfriend, too. 😦 ***I know his parents raised him better than that. ***–my poor grandparents they are probably rolling in their graves.
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I’d be rolling in my grave if I were in one!🤷
 
A few things come to mind:
  1. I agree, you can’t change the decision of an adult.
  2. Why do people cohabitate? Probably because they tried doing things the “right way” in the past, and it still didn’t work out. So, how can they trust that doing things the “right way” will work next time? Cohabitation is a sign of cautiousness on the couple’s part–a desire to proceed with caution, for fear of yet another painful divorce. It allows the couple to determine not just sexual compatibility, but simpler things such as whether they get along under the same roof!
If it means they have to defy Catholic teaching to prevent another divorce, so be it.

How can you compel someone to take a risk that he or she doesn’t want to take (i.e. jump into marriage without testing the waters)?
 
Jane070464 said:
My 27 year old son has just moved in with his girlfriend of almost 3 years. I am so livid, sad, and hurt. I know I raised him to know better and to have more respect for himself and for God. .
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This may have nothing to do with how you raised him. God sends bad apples to the most loving people. Think of all the great people who have children that simply won’t behave. In front of God, your job was to raise him right, not make his decisions for him
Jane070464 said:
I tried to talk to him about it but he wasn’t open to discussing my concerns. .
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Most 27 year old men, don’t discuss these things with their parents
Jane070464 said:
And I know this is selfish, but part of be is ashamed. .
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With all due respect, it is selfish. Anyone who judges you is not a friend
Jane070464 said:
I doubt anyone will judge me but I can’t help but worry that they might when they find out that my son is living in sin, as though I didn’t raise him properly or instill enough faith in him. .
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Again, with all due respect, no kid feels like their parents have the right to use them as a trophy. IE kids resent having to behave a certain way just to make their parents look good and honestly in this case the kid is right.
Jane070464 said:
My husband is very upset too, and I’ve spent much of the past few weeks trying to soothe his anger, though most of his seems to be directed at the girl. I’m upset with both of them, because I recognize that this was a joint decision, but she isn’t my child, he is, and I’m very hurt and shocked at the behavior of my son.

I don’t know if I’m looking for advice or just venting, but if you have any (name removed by moderator)ut or any ideas of what I can do to at least feel better if not fix the situation I would welcome it.
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Well… it seems perhaps your husband is taking it out on you and instead of soothing his anger, tell him to deal with it himself.

Prayer ! it is all you can do
 
CaliLobo said:
A few things come to mind:
  1. I agree, you can’t change the decision of an adult.
  2. Why do people cohabitate? Probably because they tried doing things the “right way” in the past, and it still didn’t work out. So, how can they trust that doing things the “right way” will work next time? Cohabitation is a sign of cautiousness on the couple’s part–a desire to proceed with caution, for fear of yet another painful divorce. It allows the couple to determine not just sexual compatibility, but simpler things such as whether they get along under the same roof!
If it means they have to defy Catholic teaching to prevent another divorce, so be it.

How can you compel someone to take a risk that he or she doesn’t want to take (i.e. jump into marriage without testing the waters)?
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This attitude is painfully disrespectful to our faith and to God. Your recommendation to defy Catholic teaching is an insult to God also. And very foolish.

To the OP, what your son is doing is very common now unfortunately. It has sadly become a new normal lifestyle for the younger generation. It went on in our generation too only then at least people still understood that it was considered immoral. Now even “nice” people are doing it. I agree that very few people will judge you for your son’s poor behavior because as a society we have accepted immorality. I applaud you for at least making it known to your son that you disapprove. Keep praying for him though. It is his sin not yours.
 
Demetra2 said:
This attitude is painfully disrespectful to our faith and to God. Your recommendation to defy Catholic teaching is an insult to God also. And very foolish.

To the OP, what your son is doing is very common now unfortunately. It has sadly become a new normal lifestyle for the younger generation. It went on in our generation too only then at least people still understood that it was considered immoral. Now even “nice” people are doing it. I agree that very few people will judge you for your son’s poor behavior because as a society we have accepted immorality. I applaud you for at least making it known to your son that you disapprove. Keep praying for him though. It is his sin not yours.
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My 37 year old son is not a Catholic but claims to have Jesus as “personal savior”.
 
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