I know there's no anwer - just looking for thoughts

[Mystical_Seeker]

To be clear, I am not looking for material things at all. As I know they will not give me what I am looking for. It is more the lack of human connection, understanding. I am very isolated in my life and I can’t find the solution that I need

Yes, that is how I understood your motives.

In all honesty, I would be in trouble… so one way or another they car would definitely get fixed. I need my car to get to work. I work 25 miles from home and there is no public transportation where I live. If I lost my job I then could not provide for my kids and myself. One thing I know for certain is that I need to provide for my children. As long as my children are under my car that is my path to take.

It would be very difficult, and constitute a test (fire) to see how resilient you are in the case of a ‘hardship’ or ‘complication’ more than what you would like to face. I was making lots of money working for Bell Labs as an electrical engineer, and in 2001 my “severe psychosis” disability robbed me of my entire career of 20 years then, and all I’ve worked since has been a year or so 12 hours a week at Papa John’s, and playing piano or organ one hour a week at church.

It took a few years and lots of groveling and thankfully generous helpers before I even accepted it… a “provider” for the family who does not “provide” and in fact requires much effort for family members to deal with my public and private weird behavior. It was truly the “unthinkable” for such an academic as myself.

I’m not wishing anything on you, but I will tell you that with enough good guidance and many things coming together in an elaborate way that only the Holy Spirit could have arranged, I am happier now than ever. Yes I would like to recover the money, and no I wish I didn’t have to accept gifts but now after the “Dark Night” began to come clear, I saw how much I’d transformed and things started falling into place where even the “unthinkable” things that were done (mostly “against” me IMO) started fitting into the puzzle and soon I could not judge any of it because I don’t know how I could have gotten to this point. And it may be a little of what you are looking for; if you want to take it more personally please feel free to PM me and I’d be happy to discuss particulars.

So I’m not saying everybody should endure this or that hardship, but we all have at least some so that gives the Holy Spirit a starting point, and it works it from there… at least on days my “trust” is allowing itself to be.

Isn’t this human nature? In all honesty, there will always be changes that can be made - that doesn’t mean its a bad thing to change them - or that’s it bad not to change them. When you only complain is where people get stuck - either accept it, change it or shut up. That is where I am now - because I don’t know how to fix it. I have tried all that I know. Then when I think “let go and let God” or “Jesus I trust in you” I have these thoughts I must be doing something wrong or God would help me fix this situation. Or maybe God is helping but I am missing his direction and on and on and on…

I know. It’s like “don’t worry be happy” which is wonderful and even Jesus-like, but the “devil” is in the details. Being told to be happy, after having been thoroughly trained and maintained by our culture to do just the opposite, seems like throwing gasoline on a fire to help it cool off. Like: Oops, nobody told me this “water” wasn’t “living water.”

This is what my counselor would tell me was a self fulfilling prophecy. I don’t quite understand why, but she said it happens. When we allow our fears to become real. Again I don’t understand her… when I want the good things they never materialize

I can definitely see that, as we have many thousands of subconscious processes that work outside our attention (or they wouldn’t be subconscious) that wants to be right.

With my statements, the “if something doesn’t change” is my life-preserver. By “change” I mean the cash flow situation. I have a certain amount of fixed resources to draw upon, plus my disability payments. If I start to work and make money, I will be redefined as “no longer disabled” so I lose my money and my Medicare, and my psychiatrist says I should not risk that. It’s a trap, but I’m willing to fancy the notion especially more intact, that it is only a trap “at this time”. As I become mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and now even socially more intact, it would be for me to try to bind the Holy Spirit to insist to myself or others that my “plight” is permanent – and my thoughts and my words just might influence myself and others to act in a way that is self-fulfilling.

Thank you for understanding.

 

[anytimequilter]

It would be very difficult, and constitute a test (fire) to see how resilient you are in the case of a ‘hardship’ or ‘complication’ more than what you would like to face.

I have had my share of hardships - while I know others have had things harder. I was married and a mother of 2 babies. Where I was working at the time was pushing me to go on the road to do sales. (That’s what I get for being successful on phone calls ) That was the start of it all for me

I could not leave my kids - they were in preschool. I left my job and took a factory job - which was a paycut and was difficult financially and the job itself was soo different. No air conditioning and very labor intensive. My previous job was an air conditioned desk job

I met some really good people at my new job. These are the people who actually got me to go to church every week and even go to the adoration chapel. These changes made me look at life differently. Then I realized my husband was an alcoholic and his drinking was getting worse. Then he was leaving bruises on my oldest child. He wouldn’t go to counseling and refused to quit drinking. Long story short, I could not leave my babies in an abusive home so I got divorced at the time in my life when I was making less money than I had in years. Getting divorced was very very hard - - I mean I was raised Catholic. You don’t get divorced

Now I have 2 great kids. My oldest is in college doing great and I am back to a desk job in air conditioning. Making more money now than I did at my old job.

As my kids get more independent, I feel more alone. That is very hard for me.

 

[Mystical_Seeker]

I could not leave my kids - they were in preschool. I left my job and took a factory job - which was a paycut and was difficult financially and the job itself was soo different. No air conditioning and very labor intensive. My previous job was an air conditioned desk job

Yeah, really. It USED to be in the late 70’s, that being a sufficient computer nerd could land you a job in a room with specially built air conditioners, always chilly enough to consider long sleeves, and the computer doesn’t move because it is more expensive than the building it’s in. Now technology has “fixed” those problems so you get to be a computer nerd even where it’s hot and yucky – anywhere cell phones go, for starters.

Luckily the time our a/c went out, our house had burned down (on Good Friday, amusingly) and when they restored it, they had to install a heat pump upstairs to bring it up to code. That was a bit “too sweet” to really have suffered, when our “main” system went out, at least we could (all eight) gather upstairs. When it was cold out, it was just to go downstairs for a quick shower and back up into the heat. In 110 degree temps, we had to hang sheets to keep the coolness from falling down the stairs where it would disappear within 10 feet of the stairway. Plenty of space in the single large room upstairs (maybe 1200 sq ft) by any standards except for a spoiled “first world dweller” such as myself.

Getting divorced was very very hard - - I mean I was raised Catholic. You don’t get divorced

I can only imagine.

Now I have 2 great kids. My oldest is in college doing great and I am back to a desk job in air conditioning. Making more money now than I did at my old job.

Very nice! Justice prevails!

As my kids get more independent, I feel more alone. That is very hard for me.

We’re getting close to a brush with the “empty nester” meme, with our kids between 18 and 29. Half of them are convincingly out of the house, with one in town and two out of town although one is slated to return to the home diocese in four years. The other three are “in transition” and will likely be with us until at least next summer.

What kind of music do you like? Right now my thoughts are swimming in the line from the song, “tell me now dear mother, what’s it like to be so old? Children grown and leaving, seems the world is growing cold.”

Kansas - Miracles Out Of Nowhere (live 1980)

 

[anytimequilter]

Keith Urban saved me… he is my go to listen for music. His new stuff is good, but during my divorce his albums truly spoke to me. “You’re Not Alone Tonight”, “You Won”, Used to the Pain" and others. He undersood me. I was not stuggling substance/alcohol abuse… but I was familiar with what he was writing about.

He won’t be writing about empty nest for awhile tho

Maybe it is an empty nest issue, but that causes the aloneness. i don’t know I just want it to stop