I Know Why I Hate Everything

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Flavius_Aetius

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I know now why I hate everything with all my soul!

For the evil and the faithless I hate them for the obvious reasons. There views also have corrupted all of the world so that now nowhere is safe from atheistic secularism. I put those two together not because I see all atheists as evil, but because they in their own relative morality provide just as bad of a corruption in society as any evil person.

As for the Good and those with faith, I hate them nearly equally because I don’t belong…

I don’t have the gift of faith, yet I can’t tear away the thought of God being an existing force. Even trying to live like an atheist would be a joke, like trying to not notice your arm is missing if you’ve had it amputated.

It drives me crazy that I’ll never fit in all Black or White; that I’m the Lukewarm that God spits out. For those reasons I hate God, for being good yet spitting out my damned soul; it doesn’t matter that I deserve it - I just hate the Creator for placing me in a sea of people I can’t relate too and then when it all ends just leaving me to rot in Hell with evil and the faithless.
 
Please don’t despair.

You were created by God in his image and He loves you!

Yes, we do live in a world in which there is evil, but, and I am speaking for myself, I need to pray for others and show them that Jesus is alive and well.

I am to love my enemies as He did, and that is what can change the world one person at a time.

It is possible to forgive, since God is all merciful, and even when I can’t forgive with my feelings, I can make an act of the will and ask the Lord to forgive those who have hurt me and just surrender to His will.

I remember the saying “It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.”

I will say some prayers for you, as I am getting off the computer now.

May the Lord bless you and give you His Peace which is not as the world gives.
 
“If you are discouraged it is a sign of pride because it shows you trust in your own power. Your self-sufficiency, your selfishness and your intellectual pride will inhibit His coming to live in your heart because God cannot fill what is already full. It is as simple as that.” ~ Mother Teresa
 
Pray thusly: God I humbly ask that you show me that faith in God and Jesus is true. I too am a doubting Thomas and need your help.
 
Your view of yourself as loved child of God has been perverted and I hope you can find the help you need to give you the possibility of a healthy view of yourself, others, and God.
Hatred of others reflects your own hatred of yourself, and you need someone outside yourself to help you to scrape away the debris on the window through which you view others, God, and distorts the image of yourself in the glass.

Most people are decent people trying to live the best they can manage according to their understanding. Those who are Christians and people of good-will try the best they can manage and acknowledge that they are not perfect. They don’t deserve anyone’s hatred. Nor do you. It appears that you may not have grown up with the security and love that a child has the right to, but we do not have to choose to always remain that angry, hurt child. I do very much hope you can find your way through to a wholesome perception of God, others, and yourself and I’m not sure if you can manage that without the help of someone caring and wise, and even perhaps a professional.
 
I may appear to be so but am not a ‘feel-good’ bunny-fluffy person.
I do understand better than you think, and do understand that the discouragement and doubt you so often reflect, better than you’d think.
I’m a person who battled self criticism and doubt, and faith, and sometimes still do, and I do know there is no easy way to help you.

I do know that kindness and consideration for others, little kind acts,
and working to give of yourself in relationship with Jesus and the Sacraments is important and healing.

I suspect from things you’ve posted in the past that some of the people around you might not particularly notice or appreciate if you do them kindnesses, or their thankfulness towards you wouldn’t last long, but that isn’t the point. The point is to say and do the kind thing anyway, regardless of others’ responses. The point is to be that person who at least tries to make other’s bearing of their troubles easier. The point is to try. Succeeding? That’s not always up to oneself and isn’t what matters to God who sees the intentions of the heart.

You feel alone, but the gulf that you feel separates you and others is less than you think. Don’t objectify others, everyone else is vulnerable also. Everyone goes through stuff, self-doubt etc. We’re all in the humanity boat.

I do now, and in the past have wished you well and wanted to help, but I also know I’m just someone who occasionally sees your often-despairing posts and responds, aware that this of itself does nothing for you. I know that such posts remain irrelevant because you don’t really believe that others can care about you. I do hope this will change, that change will come into your heart and mind.
 
Thats just it, you have SO much faith. I can just feel it in your response. You seem to find despair because you have so much hope for the next world and a true place. You are experiencing your longing for the next world, you are going through a dark night of the soul. Find rest and find love in the knowledge that you can find care from strangers on the internet. Can this world be so worthy of hate if people extend their love and care to you just from an online post. Please, you belong with us. Whatever the reasons, whatever is wrong know that you belong for you are a believer. You are seaking God with all your heart. You want him so badly that this broken world ends up breaking your heart. Know that he loves you. Know that if strangers online can show this sympathy and care, that He who knows you more than you know yourself, loves and cares so much more. Please, God is not spitting you out. He knows you perfectly and knows what you have been through. He understands. He does not hate you. If you long for Him this much, then He will understand and help you in the end. He knows what you have been through and understands. He will work with you. Please, don’t give up on the world. It’s worth fighting for. Fight for it. To hate the world, you have to want it to be a better place. Help make it a better place.

We all want to help here, so if there’s something wrong or something you want to talk about you can tell us here. If it’s private any of us are open to a personal message. If you need help or guidance just ask, but please, don’t give up hope. Don’t give up your love for others.
 
Keep searching and asking! If you are searching for God, he will NOT push you away! From doubt, belief is born. I have been through a time of serious questioning, and you eventually find answers… (which is how I got to this point in my life).

IMO, asking questions and having doubts is not being lukewarm. I am pretty certain it is the “comfortable”, with no doubts, no spiritual struggles, and just complacently Christian… just a thought.
 
Flavius_Aetius said:
I know now why I hate everything with all my soul!

For the evil and the faithless I hate them for the obvious reasons. There views also have corrupted all of the world so that now nowhere is safe from atheistic secularism. I put those two together not because I see all atheists as evil, but because they in their own relative morality provide just as bad of a corruption in society as any evil person.

As for the Good and those with faith, I hate them nearly equally because I don’t belong…

I don’t have the gift of faith, yet I can’t tear away the thought of God being an existing force. Even trying to live like an atheist would be a joke, like trying to not notice your arm is missing if you’ve had it amputated.

It drives me crazy that I’ll never fit in all Black or White; that I’m the Lukewarm that God spits out. For those reasons I hate God, for being good yet spitting out my damned soul; it doesn’t matter that I deserve it - I just hate the Creator for placing me in a sea of people I can’t relate too and then when it all ends just leaving me to rot in Hell with evil and the faithless.
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Sounds like a case of depression to me. Counseling would be my recommendation.
 
Please do not think I’ve stopped reading this thread, I have read every post-I’m just having trouble right now finding stability in myself. I acknowledge that the center of all this anger is really hating myself; with the reasons being mostly not meeting the standards my faith needs, a long history of just being the 5th wheel friend for everyone save for some occasions that in the end I feel I personally ruined, and finally for never proving to have any natural talent in any field of life.
 
My suggestion is to pick up a hobby, try something new and find something that makes you happy. And don’t worry deep down everyone feals the way you do. We all sin and don’t live up to our faiths, most of us are ashamed of that and just bury it deep down. And right now, I just moved (again) and once again am in a situation where I feel like I don’t belong. Most of us feel out of place and out of touch longing for something more. And believe me, not everyone has a special sport or can be great on the field. But find something that makes you happy we all have something, you just need to explore and find it. Personally, for me, being a magician is all I have talent wise. Anyone can learn, all you need is to be pointed in the right direction. So, don’t worry, we all feel like this deep down, you just have to find your way and to most importantly not blame yourself and not hate yourself. It will turn out ok, just be patient and be hopeful.
 
You express yourself well,
and you have passion not indifference,
those are both gifts.
You may feel you are without natural talents, but that isn’t my perception of you.
 
Flavius_Aetius said:
I know now why I hate everything with all my soul!

For the evil and the faithless I hate them for the obvious reasons. There views also have corrupted all of the world so that now nowhere is safe from atheistic secularism. I put those two together not because I see all atheists as evil, but because they in their own relative morality provide just as bad of a corruption in society as any evil person.

As for the Good and those with faith, I hate them nearly equally because I don’t belong…

I don’t have the gift of faith, yet I can’t tear away the thought of God being an existing force. Even trying to live like an atheist would be a joke, like trying to not notice your arm is missing if you’ve had it amputated.

It drives me crazy that I’ll never fit in all Black or White; that I’m the Lukewarm that God spits out. For those reasons I hate God, for being good yet spitting out my damned soul; it doesn’t matter that I deserve it - I just hate the Creator for placing me in a sea of people I can’t relate too and then when it all ends just leaving me to rot in Hell with evil and the faithless.
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You need to take every horrible feeling, every agonizing memory, every distressing past experience, every doubt, every tear, every sin, and nail it to the Cross. Christ has taken every horror sin has wrought and bore it on that Cross, we just have to let go and let Him bear the burden He desires to undertake on our behalf, so let everything you are going through be nailed to that Cross knowing that Christ is the center of your life, not in a cliched sense, but in a very real sense, working by the grace of God to become a living imitation of that same Christ who was crucified. Pain is temporary, but the glory of God is forever and we all have a chance to be partakers in that, if we would just let go, give it all to Christ, and follow Him. The only stability you will ever find is in Christ and by extension being Christ-like.

Remember that Jesus had no special talent that distinguished Him from others, He was merely a carpenter. And Remember also that Jesus in His greatest distress was left alone as His best friends deserted Him when He was insulted, beaten, spit on, and killed. Whatever you have gone through, Jesus is there to bear that pain with you; you are not alone.

I will pray for you.
 
You said, “I don’t have the gift of faith…”

I believe that is just what you need so work on it.
God gives to those who ask.
Keep asking.
One of the fruits of this is peace and joy.
Don’t give up. But you must start saying “help me, for you gave me life and
I want to know you.” Keep saying short prayers like this all day long.
“Take my hand and bring me to you.”
“Give sight to my blindness please.”
“Come into my life and help me.”

I will pray for you.
 
Flavius_Aetius said:
Please do not think I’ve stopped reading this thread, I have read every post-I’m just having trouble right now finding stability in myself. I acknowledge that the center of all this anger is really hating myself; with the reasons being mostly not meeting the standards my faith needs, a long history of just being the 5th wheel friend for everyone save for some occasions that in the end I feel I personally ruined, and finally for never proving to have any natural talent in any field of life.
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The only standard your faith needs is the faith. Works are important, but so many of our trained to be looking down to make sure we don’t step on a crack that we can’t see forward. So our works are corrupted by self-loathing and failure. We can’t “earn” our way into heaven, but sometimes is seems like we’re expected to try.

I hear you yearning for what some SDs call the “second half” of your spiritual life – moving beyond the “thall shalt nots” into the “thou shalts” and guidance by the Holy Spirit. By now I’m guessing your conscience is pretty well formed. IMO it keeps you down and away from God to focus on sins and punishment all the time – yet that is so common that it becomes a stumbling block for many.

Do you have a spiritual director, and/or have you looked into St. John of the Cross type stuff?

Alan
 
Do you have a spiritual director, and/or have you looked into St. John of the Cross type stuff?
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No it’s been at least 5 years since I’ve attended Mass/gone to Confession/or spoken to a Priest about spiritual matters. It has been blend of doubting faith in God, my own excessive sinfulness, a lackluster faith within my family, and the sinfulness of the rest of humanity (including Clergy within the Church) that lead to a total collapse of even trying to remain in good standing. Before that I had been a quite faithful as a Catholic; being a self-starter in fact-asking for a Bible for Christmas when I was 13, having to request to my parents to take me to Mass instead of it being a expected issue.
Tell us how you REALLY feel.
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This is how I really feel; what are you implying?
 
Flavius_Aetius said:
This is how I really feel; what are you implying?
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I wasn’t sure whether that post you are commenting on, was directed toward you or me. I didn’t see what was so intense about what either of us were saying. 🤷

In general, back in my day, people would use that phrase “tell us how you really feel” as a usually light-hearted way of acknowledging that a person had just expressed some strong feelings. 🙂

Alan
 
Alan, that response was directed towards an earlier poster who specifically asked that question. Periodic threads have revealed that Flavius_Aetius is usually very explicit and direct, and usually of a similar nature, so that the question may have seemed odd to Flavius_Aetius. The poster may have wished for further elucidation of the causes of OP’s negative rather than to create an impression that she did not believe that Flavius_Aetius was being direct.
I don’t know that any of our words can help. Flavius_Aetius may need in due course to take positive action towards healing of outlook and restoration of faith, and much prayer may be needed.
 
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