After having been Catholic for 20 years (all my life), though not all periods have been really ‘Catholic’ - it was only about 2 years ago that I became more ‘aware’ of my actions and my typical rock and roll lifestyle.
Slowly I started to change, embraced the faith more. Things got better,I started reading the bible more, my attitude changed. I became more helpful towards people. I prayed way more, fasted, did novenas for others. But more lately, I’ve just started to look at myself, what has happened to me, personally? Sure I’ve got to know more about the faith, theologically, philosophically and actually living it out, but it hasn’t really helped me except a few days at a time where I think wow this has really helped me, but I think now that is more based on wishful thinking, a hope that because everyone says this and this it must be true.
Why do people get drunk, engage in pre-marital sex, get high everyday and pretty much break every single commandment there is and still have a decent life:
- A good salary
- A job
- Girlfriend/wife
Now, I’m not saying this is all there is to life, but considering the marriage vocation, that is probably the 3 main things after the spiritual side of things with God. If you have a bad salary, you will struggle, as simple as that, if you don’t have a job, you will struggle, as simple as that. Now I have friends that are like this, I am in no way jealous of them or their positions, I pray(ed) for them and I hope they lead the most fulfilling life they possibly can.
But I have to wonder why, I tire myself out doing all this, plus working hard enough in uni, but being borderline pass/fail, not having a job, not having a girlfriend and clueless about where life takes me. Why would any of my friends think about becoming Christian when their life is good? Why do I have to remain Christian when nothing good comes out of it, except some people draw some abstractions on a future ‘beyond’ and that we have to live for that.
Cut the bs, if you were all so darned into that stuff, you might as well go to Africa and help out the kids there, that way you can store treasures for heaven.
I have had changed my lifestyle completely, I used to illegally download, watch porn, listen to satanic music, I gave all that up. I’ve spent hours defending the faith and God against total nuts, places where I used to ‘hang out’ on the web.
What has doing all this for God gotten me? Nowhere, it built up hope that wasn’t fulfilled. I’m not interested in hearing people talking about the ‘future’ - I’ve read Spe Salvi, the latest encyclical by the Pope plenty of times and I’ve probably read all there is to know about this Christian based hope.
I am still a theist, I acknowledge the existence of a God, and more specifically a Christian one, because it is rational, but I refuse to accept that he does care about his creation.
Edit: I’d like to also add, that I do not hate the Church or the Pope or anyone like that, my feelings towards the people and the popes and the cardinals and etc. remain as they always have been, a thing of profound reverance. Especially the people in the forums here.