I lied and ruined Christmas

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lilfroggie1121

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Hi all,
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and have 4 kids. We have tried having me at home as a housewife and it has not been working well. Now he wants me to go out and get a job because I am not up to standards. But to the point, lastnight we got in a fight because I was trying to clean up at night and he wanted to hang out. He told me to sit down but then I got tired and was falling asleep and I became very cranky so he told me to go to bed. Then at 1 in the morning he woke me up and told me Togo clean up thekitchen because it was filthy. He also told me that as of the first I would need to get a job. I knew it was dirty and stayed up until 4 cleaning the house. I thought maybe it would blow over but he was still mad. So then he asked me where his favorite coffee mug was. Our son had broken it a week before and I knew he was going to be upset so Ilied and said I did not know but then cam clean because I could tell he did not believe me. I have a history of lying which makes things first. Now he does not want to talk to me and itos Christmas and he won’t talk to me. I do not know how to pull myself out of it but I want so much to make things better. I do not try to make excuses for myself. I was wrong. Do I just have to wait this out Is there anything I can do to make things better? I just want things yo be good between us again.
 
Go take a nap. Nothing is going to get better if you can’t think clearly because you’ve been up half the night.

I also think you guys could benefit from couple’s counseling, because yes, you lie, but the way that he treats you doesn’t sound very healthy.
 
why do you say you are not a good housewife? Is that what he says? A good husband will never put his wife down. Remember you are a child of God and God loves you.

There is no perfect wife and the kitchen and the house won’t be superrr clean ALWAYS especially when there are 4 kids around. I am sure you are doing a pretty good job. Do not believe you cannot do it. Yes you can.

Do not succumb into the thinking that you are not a good housewife. No woman is perfect. All you need is the patience, the willingness to do your duties, perseverance and most of all love.

Merry Christmas!!!
 
The way your husband treats you sounds disgusting. Who’s going to take care of your four kids while you’re at work? Keeping a house completely clean with four kids in the house is next to impossible.
 
Sounds like you are taking care of five children. You are not at fault for ANYTHING. He is the one who is ruining Christmas. Please talk to your priest about this situation. Prayers for peace.
 
Waking you up at 1am to clean? There’s no justification to wake someone up to clean, even if the house is dirty. Your husband sounds abusive.
 
lilfroggie1121 said:
Hi all,
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and have 4 kids. We have tried having me at home as a housewife and it has not been working well. Now he wants me to go out and get a job because I am not up to standards. But to the point, lastnight we got in a fight because I was trying to clean up at night and he wanted to hang out. He told me to sit down but then I got tired and was falling asleep and I became very cranky so he told me to go to bed. Then at 1 in the morning he woke me up and told me Togo clean up thekitchen because it was filthy. He also told me that as of the first I would need to get a job. I knew it was dirty and stayed up until 4 cleaning the house. I thought maybe it would blow over but he was still mad. So then he asked me where his favorite coffee mug was. Our son had broken it a week before and I knew he was going to be upset so Ilied and said I did not know but then cam clean because I could tell he did not believe me. I have a history of lying which makes things first. Now he does not want to talk to me and itos Christmas and he won’t talk to me. I do not know how to pull myself out of it but I want so much to make things better. I do not try to make excuses for myself. I was wrong. Do I just have to wait this out Is there anything I can do to make things better? I just want things yo be good between us again.
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I’ve been a SAHM for 16 years and I’m a terrible housewife but my husband had NEVER treated me like that when the house was messy. His behavior is unacceptable and may be considered abusive (not enough info here to determine). I think you need to talk to a good Catholic counselor.
 
Waking you up at 1am to clean is ridiculous. Being more than momentarily put out because a dish got broken is also. I suggest you find some couples counselling. Start with your dioceses office of family life.

If you’d like to be a better housekeeper, try the Flylady website. That is full or great suggestions for how to get into good routines and stay on top of “trouble spots”. However, as others have said a house with 4 young children is never going to be perfect.

what kind of job would you look for if you went back to work? Have you and dh thought about expenses for childcare, transportation, and things like work clothes and more meals out? Housework like laundry, cooking, dishes, vacuuming, dusting, etc. Would still need to be done and you’d both have less time.

Hopefully your husband’s mood will improve over Christmas. As soon after as possible get an appointment with your priest talk things over.
 
Hi lilfroggie,

I agree with the others that you should go for some counseling or talk to your priest/pastor about what is going on in your relationship.

I think that your husband’s behavior is immature, with him not talking to you. I also don’t think that it is right for him to wake you up in the middle of the night to finish cleaning the kitchen.

If you are lying to him because you know that it will be better than dealing with the outcome of his moods, then you know that there is something wrong in your relationship.

Wishing you peace, too.
 
Oh man, I know your story all too well.
My late husband used to come home and say " well, what didn’t you do today?"

He badgered me constantly. Nothing was ever good enough. My books had to be hidden in a closet, his were on display. My stuff was junk, HIS were collectibles. And on and on.
And the children were mine if they were naughty, and his when it came time to brag.

Get counseling, and if he won’t go, go alone and get your mind in the right place. Maybe if you are firm about standing up to him in a charitable way (as charitable as you can be while being mentally attacked) he will back down. If not…get more counseling and ask the priest if you should remain.

My situation didn’t clear up and ended in a tragic disaster.
After being widowed, I met a wonderful man who is so kind to me, I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it! Pray hard. Seek counseling, and I’m sure all of us who have read your story will keep you in prayer during these stressful but beautiful days of Christmas.
God bless you and your children. All five of them.
 
This is not a healthy situation.

I would encourage you to seek individual counseling, rather than couple’s counseling. With individual counseling, you can more safely describe your husband’s behavior and its impact, with less fear of retribution from him. The counselor can better help you objectively evaluate the situation and your options for handling it.

I’m not exactly sure what happened, but it does not sound like you “ruined” Christmas, but your husband’s behavior. I hope that you can still find some joy and comfort in this season.

-RD
 
I hope this prayer is heard for you and your family. You have done nothing wrong, only tried to keep peace in your family.

May God bless you and keep you safe.

God, from you every family in heaven and on earth takes its name. Father, you are love and life. Through your Son, Jesus Christ, born of woman, and through the Holy Spirit, fountain of divine charity, grant that every family on earth may become for each successive generation a true shrine of life and love.

Grant that your grace may guide the thoughts and actions of husbands and wives for the good of their families and of all the families in the world. Grant that the young may find in the family solid support for their human dignity and for their growth in truth and love. Grant that love, strengthened by the grace of the sacrament of marriage may prove mightier than all weaknesses and trials through which our families sometimes pass.

Through the intercession of the Holy Family of Nazareth, grant the church may fruitfully carry out her worldwide mission in the family and through the family. We ask this of you, who are life, truth, and love with the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen
 
lilfroggie1121 said:
Hi all,
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and have 4 kids. We have tried having me at home as a housewife and it has not been working well. Now he wants me to go out and get a job because I am not up to standards. But to the point, lastnight we got in a fight because I was trying to clean up at night and he wanted to hang out. He told me to sit down but then I got tired and was falling asleep and I became very cranky so he told me to go to bed. Then at 1 in the morning he woke me up and told me Togo clean up thekitchen because it was filthy. He also told me that as of the first I would need to get a job. I knew it was dirty and stayed up until 4 cleaning the house. I thought maybe it would blow over but he was still mad. So then he asked me where his favorite coffee mug was. Our son had broken it a week before and I knew he was going to be upset so Ilied and said I did not know but then cam clean because I could tell he did not believe me. I have a history of lying which makes things first. Now he does not want to talk to me and itos Christmas and he won’t talk to me. I do not know how to pull myself out of it but I want so much to make things better. I do not try to make excuses for myself. I was wrong. Do I just have to wait this out Is there anything I can do to make things better? I just want things yo be good between us again.
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He woke you up in the middle of the night to clean the house???:confused:
 
The little lie about the coffee mug is a not your main problem. It sounds like your relationship with your husband is, and he sounds a bit mean if you ask me.

I am not condoning lying, and suggest you deal with it honestly. However, by what you said here (reading between the lines)…your not going to deal with lying until you deal with what is wrong in your marriage. You sound like you are abused and if you are you need to get help.

I can assure you, if I were married my husband would not be getting me up at 1 am to clean the kitchen. If he wanted it that clean I would suggest he get to scrubbing, and go back to sleep.

Get some marriage counseling. Something is wrong here.
 
Oh, I intended to say this in my previous post: You did not ruin Christmas. It sounds like your husband was working on that part himself. Again, you need some good marriage counseling.
 
Cricket2 said:
The little lie about the coffee mug is a not your main problem. It sounds like your relationship with your husband is, and he sounds a bit mean if you ask me.

I am not condoning lying, and suggest you deal with it honestly. However, by what you said here (reading between the lines)…your not going to deal with lying until you deal with what is wrong in your marriage. You sound like you are abused and if you are you need to get help.

I can assure you, if I were married my husband would not be getting me up at 1 am to clean the kitchen. ** If he wanted it that clean I would suggest he get to scrubbing, and go back to sleep.**
.
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That’s good!

👍

Your husband’s being unreasonable…not letting you clean earlier…then getting you up at 1 am to clean. He keeps putting you in these no-win “Catch 22” situations. Getting all bent out of shape over a coffee cup? Good grief! What would he do if he had a real problem?

I don’t condone lying. However, all this that your husband’s been doing to you is NOT okay.

Even if you weren’t a very good housekeeper, that’s no excuse for getting you up out of bed to clean at 1 am. What’s the matter with him?! Gosh!

Can you get some counseling? Also, if he refuses to go, if possible, try to go anyway, because I think you will need the support, and to vent, if nothing else.

I’ll close with a prayer.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.:gopray:
 
ClearWater said:
That’s good!

👍

Your husband’s being unreasonable…not letting you clean earlier…then getting you up at 1 am to clean. He keeps putting you in these no-win “Catch 22” situations. Getting all bent out of shape over a coffee cup? Good grief! What would he do if he had a real problem?
:
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EXACTLY what I was going to say! What kind of a husband drags his wife out of bed in the middle of the night to clean? This sounds like one of those stories kids tell about their awful childhood, being dragged out of bed in the middle of the night and made to work! This is outrageous, and if this is how he treats you, I’m not surprised you’ve learned to lie to try to keep some semblance of peace! I’m not condoning lying–I ended up divorcing in part over chronic lies. But I understand where my XH got that tendency (trying to keep peace in his alcoholic family of origin) and I’m wondering if that’s exactly where your tendency to lie is coming from now, just trying to keep some peace.
 
holyrood said:
EXACTLY what I was going to say! What kind of a husband drags his wife out of bed in the middle of the night to clean? This sounds like one of those stories kids tell about their awful childhood, being dragged out of bed in the middle of the night and made to work! This is outrageous, and if this is how he treats you, I’m not surprised you’ve learned to lie to try to keep some semblance of peace! I’m not condoning lying–I ended up divorcing in part over chronic lies. But I understand where my XH got that tendency (trying to keep peace in his alcoholic family of origin) and I’m wondering if that’s exactly where your tendency to lie is coming from now, just trying to keep some peace.
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Good post, well said! It sounds like he’s the problem, not her lying, and I totally agree that people in abusive situations may use lying as a defense mechanism to keep the peace and he’s playing mind games to try to make her think it’s all her fault. 😦 The whole situation sounds messed up to me. And getting that upset over a broken cup is what abusive people do, they hit their wives or kids for breaking things and stuff like that. And I don’t like him criticizing her and making her feel useless and like a bad housekeeper, if he doesn’t like how she keeps house why doesn’t he just clean it himself? The whole situation sounds unhealthy for her. 😦
 
Your husband is in the wrong all over the place. He’s not treating you like a wife, he’s treating you like some sort of scullery maid. Even if you actually are bad at housekeeping - which I have no idea - it’s not possible to keep a spotless house while you have several children unless you neglect the children. If he wants perfect housekeeping, he would need to hire extra help, not bully you into cleaning up the house in the small hours.

Yes, lying is wrong, but it sounds like you lied because you were afraid of his reaction. And since he is giving you the silent treatment over a broken cup, I understand why you were scared. It’s not okay to give a spouse the silent treatment. It’s very immature, and it can create huge problems in a relationship where huge problems needn’t be. Maybe couples’ counseling would be the right choice if he’s willing. I don’t think things will get better on their own; he has to realize that he’s a big part of the problem if things are are going to improve for you two. :hug1:
 
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