I lied and ruined Christmas

[ClearWater]

Question…besides being emotionally abusive…trying to get you to work day and also night…and get a job plus take care of the house and kids, does he ever …hit you?

 

[ClearWater]

Hi all,
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and have 4 kids. We have tried having me at home as a housewife and it has not been working well. Now he wants me to go out and get a job because I am not up to standards. But to the point, lastnight we got in a fight because I was trying to clean up at night and he wanted to hang out. He told me to sit down but then I got tired and was falling asleep and I became very cranky so he told me to go to bed. Then at 1 in the morning he woke me up and told me Togo clean up thekitchen because it was filthy. He also told me that as of the first I would need to get a job. I knew it was dirty and stayed up until 4 cleaning the house. I thought maybe it would blow over but he was still mad. So then he asked me where his favorite coffee mug was. Our son had broken it a week before and I knew he was going to be upset so Ilied and said I did not know but then cam clean because I could tell he did not believe me. I have a history of lying which makes things first. Now he does not want to talk to me and itos Christmas and he won’t talk to me. I do not know how to pull myself out of it but I want so much to make things better. I do not try to make excuses for myself. I was wrong. Do I just have to wait this out Is there anything I can do to make things better? I just want things yo be good between us again.

This reminds me of the movie, “Sleeping with the Enemy”.

 

[lilfroggie1121]

In answer to one of the posts, no there is no physical abuse. I am a bit overwhelmed by the support and haveto think. Things have gotten better and we are having a good Christmas. We have talked with a priest before and I basically was told that I needed to embrace my role as a housewife more and try to improve. Thank you for your prayers, they mean a lot.

 

[Cricket2]

In answer to one of the posts, no there is no physical abuse. I am a bit overwhelmed by the support and haveto think. Things have gotten better and we are having a good Christmas. We have talked with a priest before and I basically was told that I needed to embrace my role as a housewife more and try to improve. Thank you for your prayers, they mean a lot.

I still think you are being mistreated. Consequently, I don’t think much of your Priests response. Your husband is wrong to get you out of bed to clean the house at 1am. That is abusive behavior. There may be no physical abuse, but your first post blares out emotional abuse. That is just as bad. Find someone else to talk to.

 

[Catholic1954]

In answer to one of the posts, no there is no physical abuse. I am a bit overwhelmed by the support and haveto think. Things have gotten better and we are having a good Christmas. We have talked with a priest before and I basically was told that I needed to embrace my role as a housewife more and try to improve. Thank you for your prayers, they mean a lot.

Are you having a better day because he apologized for being a jerk or because you apologized for not meeting his expectations? No real man, worthy of the name “husband”, would wake his exhausted wife up at 1:00am and demand that she clean the kitchen. You are in an abusive relationship and need professional counseling; if he won’t go with you, go by yourself.

 

[Cojuanco]

Lilfroggie, if you don’t mind me asking, in which country are you right now? Because in America at least it would be the rare priest who would just sit there and accuse you of being in the wrong here.

 

[PartoftheBody]

In answer to one of the posts, no there is no physical abuse. I am a bit overwhelmed by the support and haveto think. Things have gotten better and we are having a good Christmas. We have talked with a priest before and I basically was told that I needed to embrace my role as a housewife more and try to improve. Thank you for your prayers, they mean a lot.

How much talking did you get to do when you met with the priest? Is it possible the priest responded that way because he only heard your husband’s perspective on what the problems are?

 

[CAROLOFTHEBELLS]

This reminds me of the movie, “Sleeping with the Enemy”.

It reminds me of the movie “Mommie Dearest”, when little Christina was forced to get out of bed to clean the bathroom.

I believe you could actually be trapped in a cycle of emotional abuse. A cycle happens because it is hard to recognize it is abuse. You love the person and want to please them. When the person you love creates situations that make it look like you can only please them by doing what they say at any given time, setting up impossible expectations, making immediate demands it is easy to doubt your abilities. I can tell you have fallen into a cycle because you doubt your abilities and blame yourself. This is just my opinion based on something that I went though myself and I don’t personally know you, but I want to try to help.

I think you would benefit from individual counseling, during which you will most likely be encouraged to set personal boundries that will help to break the cycle somewhat.

As far as the cup goes, for goodness sakes, if a child broke his cup and you knew he would be mad if he found out that is protecting the child, not lying. Even if the child is not the one who his anger or silent treatment is aimed at, it is the child’s mother and that still hurts the child. I don’t think you were wrong to admit to it and fess up, but neither were you wrong to lie in this case. Please don’t take on guilt for that. If you can discuss it with him, he really needs to know that the reason you lied was because you feared his reaction.

In regards to his saying as of the first you better get a job, start looking, or whatever, I hope he is not so unreasonable as to expect a job offer to fall in your lap if you begin seeking one. There is a lot of competition for each job nowadays. If you do look for one, please don’t feel there is anything wrong with you if it proves to be difficult.

I know how hard it is to have upsetting things happen on Christmas or right before. My sisters and I had some upsetting times with family members that fell right at that time and I had a long term boyfriend pick a fight with me on Christmas Eve and break up with me that night (he was emotionally abusive too). It is so easy to blame yourself. It is a time when most of us have open hearts, sentimental feelings, and expectations of loving days and nights. So hurt and upset is experienced in a raw way. I’m glad you were able to get past it a bit.

 

[kbachler]

Sounds like at least part of the issue is a controlling husband, another part your self-esteem. Go get qualified counseling. If he won’t go with you, go on your own. Tell him you both need coaching on how to be better people.

 

[pensmama87]

Lilfroggie, if you don’t mind me asking, in which country are you right now? Because in America at least it would be the rare priest who would just sit there and accuse you of being in the wrong here.

I’m not sure I agree. A couple, even when seeking help, can try very hard to put on a “good face” for others and huge problems can be overlooked even by people who are trained to look for them. It took three licensed therapists to figure out my husband was a narcissist and that I wasn’t the only problematic one in our relationship. Even when I was miserable and desperate, I cared very much that we looked like we “had it together” around other people. The OP mostly just blamed herself for the marital problems she and her husband are having in her first post. If the priest hears that and not the whole picture, he very well might tell her, “Well, if you work on that, it might improve the relationship” - because he may not be hearing about how ridiculous the husband is being.

 

[SurlyMermaid]

I understand this situation all too well. Insecurity coupled with being with a bully.

My experience was lots of prayers, getting a professional degree and going back to work. As my self esteem increased and my feeling of being beholden to this man decreased, I got the wherewithal and courage to call his bluff and take up for myself—and the kids, his and mine.

When you set boundaries, expect tantrums. Even adults act like spoiled kids who have finally been told “No” at the toy store.

Get yourself together. Use strength and compassion. Rely on Him. He’ll get you through in His time.

Prayers for you.

PM if you like. I know too much about this.

:hug1:

SM

 

[runningdude]

I reiterate, find individual counseling first.

You need to objectively look at your situation in a safe environment. Worry about getting counseling for you husband after you take care of yourself.

 

[Roeshambow2]

To lie is human. To know and be sorry for your black heart, is a gift from your God given nature, which cannot be destroyed by your fallen condition. Be not afraid, all is forgiven
CHRISTMAS IS THE REASON WE SEE THESE THINGS AND THE HOPE AND GRACE overflow from his birth
A Fellow pilgrim
PAX

 

[JLCecilia]

Sorry if I’m repeating here, didn’t read all the posts. I can sort of relate to the lying b/c you fear the reaction. Not that he’ll explode or anything, but my own DH (when he actually bothers to parent) tends to overreact and just yell. I want to protect my children and sometimes myself, out of embarrassment.

I wouldn’t feel pressured to get a job. Yeah, maybe we could all stand to do a little better in terms of tidying up (SAHM or not), but it isn’t just YOUR stuff either. Take a weekend and get EVERYONE on board to get things in order to where you just maintain. I always thought if I could just have the chance to be a SAHM I could keep things up better. I no longer think that’s true, even though I haven’t had the chance to test the theory yet. I would also employ your children to help. As soon as my kids were big enough to walk, they were big enough to throw their own diapers in the trash and put clothes in the hamper. Get them to put their own clothes away or help put away clean dishes in the bottom cupboards. If you can afford it, implement the Dave Ramsey commission chart. My 7 and 5yo boys gather the trash from the bathrooms and they, along w/ the 4yo have to help load the laundry in the wash and put their clean clothes away. They can also sweep and mop the kitchen floor (hands and knees with wash rags). Get them small hand brooms and dustpans and a Dirt Devil, they’ll enjoy vacuuming with something ‘their’ size.

If your DH thinks you can’t keep a handle on things NOW, it ain’t gonna get any easier with you working away from home and coming home to the same amount of work frazzled and tired. I think husbands of SAHMs should help out when they come home. I mean, YOU don’t get to punch out at 5 like HE does!

Perhaps waking you up at 1 to clean (however rude and unreasonable) was his hurt reaction to you falling asleep on your time together. I WISH my DH wanted to spend time w/ me. But, yeah, I’m the early bird in this duo, so by evening, I’m toast. I fall asleep ALL THE TIME! Maybe that’s why he’s given up on spending time w/ me! But yes, if you’re able at all, get a nap in!

I’ll be praying for reconciliation and a peaceful resolve to all of this.

 

[bcuster]

Hi all,
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and have 4 kids. We have tried having me at home as a housewife and it has not been working well. Now he wants me to go out and get a job because I am not up to standards. But to the point, lastnight we got in a fight because I was trying to clean up at night and he wanted to hang out. He told me to sit down but then I got tired and was falling asleep and I became very cranky so he told me to go to bed. Then at 1 in the morning he woke me up and told me Togo clean up thekitchen because it was filthy. He also told me that as of the first I would need to get a job. I knew it was dirty and stayed up until 4 cleaning the house. I thought maybe it would blow over but he was still mad. So then he asked me where his favorite coffee mug was. Our son had broken it a week before and I knew he was going to be upset so Ilied and said I did not know but then cam clean because I could tell he did not believe me. I have a history of lying which makes things first. Now he does not want to talk to me and itos Christmas and he won’t talk to me. I do not know how to pull myself out of it but I want so much to make things better. I do not try to make excuses for myself. I was wrong. Do I just have to wait this out Is there anything I can do to make things better? I just want things yo be good between us again.

I am concerned. First, in what world is it acceptable behavior to wake someone at 1 AM and order them to clean anything. This after keeping you from cleaning the night before. This is emotional abuse. I would recommend couples counseling of some kind. Secondly, if this does not work, you may want to discuss matters confidentially with your pastor. Get information on domestic abuse.

 

[holyrood]

I’m not sure I agree. A couple, even when seeking help, can try very hard to put on a “good face” for others and huge problems can be overlooked even by people who are trained to look for them. It took three licensed therapists to figure out my husband was a narcissist and that I wasn’t the only problematic one in our relationship. Even when I was miserable and desperate, I cared very much that we looked like we “had it together” around other people. The OP mostly just blamed herself for the marital problems she and her husband are having in her first post. If the priest hears that and not the whole picture, he very well might tell her, “Well, if you work on that, it might improve the relationship” - because he may not be hearing about how ridiculous the husband is being.

I have to agree with this. I was lucky to talk to three priests who saw clearly there was a problem, and a Catholic counselor who saw clearly there was a problem with XH–but his only advice was for me to pretend everything was okay for the sake of the kids.

However, we saw a couples counselor who decided my anger was the problem, and I saw an individual counselor who hinted that as long as I had no ‘proof’ of cheating, the problem was probably in my mind and I should really start making gratitude lists.

 

[CAROLOFTHEBELLS]

Perhaps waking you up at 1 to clean (however rude and unreasonable) was his hurt reaction to you falling asleep on your time together.

I think you may have missed part of what she said. Earlier he had told her he wanted her to stop cleaning and spend time with him. She did that, but was so tired that she fell asleep. He then told her to go to bed if she was going to fall asleep. After she went to bed and was sleeping, he woke her up and told her to clean.

If he wanted to time together it would have made more sense for him come over and help so that they get the cleaning done together in the first place, then go to bed together. Perhaps they both would have been exhausted, but they would have been together. Instead, she was up for four hours cleaning beginning at 1 a.m. (on Christmas morning?). Presumedly by herself. Assuming he was asleep by himself while she cleaning (although that is not clear). She did everything he wanted and he was still not happy or talking to her. Because his cup was broken and she lied about it? Because she felt asleep? Because the house was messy? No. It was because he set up impossible expectations.

 

[Cricket2]

Lilfroggie, if you don’t mind me asking, in which country are you right now? Because in America at least it would be the rare priest who would just sit there and accuse you of being in the wrong here.

I hope you would be correct in this. Though I do know of priests that would do just what happened to her. I think that part of preparation to be a priest should include a sound education on domestic violence and its consequences and harm. I am not sure that is really done.

I also think that those thinking of marriage should take it upon themselves to discuss this issue while dating. Not just superficially either. They should be open about their own families and if there has been problems of abuse there. Further, any hints of rage, hitting or threatening of one to the other should be a definite sign to call things off.

 

[AllSeasons]

Then at 1 in the morning he woke me up and told me Togo clean up thekitchen because it was filthy. He also told me that as of the first I would need to get a job. I knew it was dirty and stayed up until 4 cleaning the house.

Are you kidding me?! He told you to do what at 1 in the morning? This is simply ridiculous and unacceptable. I’m a guy, and even I find that outrageous and preposterous! I would never ever make someone I loved do that.