I like a girl who has a boyfriend; what do I do?

[JackieMom]

The OP has stated that he is friends with her.

This means she is aware that he knows she has a boyfriend.

How would it not be weird and, frankly, disrespectful to her if he decides to ask her out anyway?

“Why are you asking me out? You know I have a boyfriend.”

How would he respond to that? How would their friendship survive without any awkward feelings existing.

If any of my guy friends decided to ask me out when they knew I was with my boyfriend, now husband, they would be weird and I probably wouldn’t feel comfortable around them anymore.

Well, that’s where the risk vs. reward thought process comes into play. If he’s willing to risk that the friendship cools significantly, then he should go for it. If not, he should keep his mouth shut.

I certainly would not be offended to be asked on a date if I had a boyfriend. I’d say “no” if I wasn’t interested and “yes” if I thought the guy was an upgrade. Really not a big deal.

 

[Kamaduck]

Boyfriend/girlfriend means that two people date each other.

The terms began to get an exclusive connotation when they also began to mean that the couple were having a sexual relationship.

Where I come from, boyfriend/girlfriend has the specific meaning that two people are in an exclusive, not necessarily sexual relationship. It’s generally considered extremely rude (or at least bad form) to pursue someone who is in an exclusive relationship.

If he goes that path, things will become even messier no matter what her response is. They may work out, but it’s more likely that he will simply lose a friend.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

There’s a girl that I like that has a boyfriend. I began to have feelings for her recently and I can’t shut them out. I feel guilty for liking her when she already likes someone else… Is this a sin? I don’t do or say anything to cross the line of being just friends. Should I tell her how I feel? If she likes me after my confession then is it a sin? Am I tearing them apart by letting her know my feelings?

Some guys are more drawn toward girls who are either 1) unavailable, because they are dating or even engaged to someone else or 2) give off that happiness and confidence because they are dating someone and are not feeling needy for attention. In my past, I got more offers for dates when I was already dating someone. If I was between boyfriends, I would go through a period where NO ONE was interested. I have heard that many people have had the same experience.

No, you should not ask her out. Just be nice to her, and if you can’t do that without showing your interest, then just don’t go around her for now. Give her the respect not to chase her when she is dating another guy. You might get read the riot act by her current boyfriend if you do. And it’s not good to sow confusion in other people. Part of maturity is knowing when to speak up, and when to stay quiet. This too shall pass. Don’t think about her so much.

 

[Joe_5859]

Having feelings of infatuation is not a sin. Something that is involuntary and not chosen cannot be a sin.

Where sin comes in is in your actions.

I don’t know that sharing your feelings with her and/or asking her out would be sinful. But I don’t think it would be prudent. In my opinion, sharing your feelings in situations like this is a selfish act. You’re placing a burden on her in order to make yourself feel better.

I’m not sure why some posters are recommending asking her out. Casual dating of more than one person (and calling each of those people your boyfirend/girlfriend) is simply not the way most Americans do things. Any girl I ever called my “girlfriend” was only after a point in which things were exclusive. That doesn’t mean I never hung out with other girls while dating. But I wouldn’t have referred to those as “dates”

If you want to spend time with her or do something with her, that’s one thing. But calling it a date is something else entirely. Back in my single days, I would hang out with girls who were dating other guys. But I had absolutely no illusions that such outings were “dates” nor did I cling to any hopes that it was anything more than friendship. Of course, in those cases, I did not have a crush on any of those girls.

I would think it would be very painful and difficult to spend a great deal of time with a girl you are infatuated with knowing she is off the market. My advice would be to spend a bit more time apart from her and give the feelings time to lessen.

Of course, it is good to take it all to prayer.

 

[PatriceA]

Boyfriend/girlfriend means that two people date each other.

The terms began to get an exclusive connotation when they also began to mean that the couple were having a sexual relationship.

Not where I come from. “Exclusive” means they are seriously discerning marriage. Its certainly not a statement on the couple being sexually active or not.

 

[MtnDwellar]

Not where I come from. “Exclusive” means they are seriously discerning marriage. Its certainly not a statement on the couple being sexually active or not.

You misunderstood my statements.

 

[PatriceA]

You misunderstood my statements.

What did I misunderstand? You said the term “boyfriend/girlfriend” started to take on the term “exclusive” when premarital sex became more the norm. I’m saying its never meant that around where I am from, its always meant the couple was/are seriously considering marriage.

 

[MtnDwellar]

What did I misunderstand? You said the term “boyfriend/girlfriend” started to take on the term “exclusive” when premarital sex became more the norm. I’m saying its never meant that around where I am from, its always meant the couple was/are seriously considering marriage.

I never said exclusive means sexually active.

 

[fpt]

There’s a girl that I like that has a boyfriend. I began to have feelings for her recently and I can’t shut them out. I feel guilty for liking her when she already likes someone else… Is this a sin? I don’t do or say anything to cross the line of being just friends. Should I tell her how I feel? If she likes me after my confession then is it a sin? Am I tearing them apart by letting her know my feelings?

In general and by principle, *the fact of falling in love or of being in love or of having the feelings of love for a person of the opposite sex is not immoral and thus it is not sinful. *Also, it is not immoral and not sinful if this person is a single person, a dating person, a engaged person (a fiancée or a fiancé), a bride or bridegroom, a wife or a husband, a wife/mother or a husband/father and even a nun or a priest. The love feelings are not sinful, per se.

In your situation,* she is single, i mean that she is not into the natural marriage and she is not into the sacramental marriage. *Thus *she is not yet a wife, the wife of her husband, her present boyfriend. Naturaly speaking in the sense of the morality, you have the right to tell your feelings of love that you have toward her. The fact of telling her your deep feelings of love is not morally wrong. *

If you are really in love her, i mean to want the dating with her,** for discerning the marriage, you can and you should to say your feelings of potential conjugal love. *Only, the wrong intention coming from you can transform, your sayings, in a wrong thing. *

For the discernement: Are you in love for her? Do you want the dating for getting the marriage with her? Why are you in love with her? Is it a honorable feelings of love for her? What is your level of maturity about the topic of the marriage? What do you expect?

After, it is up to you.

 

[Brendan_64]

There is nothing sinful in fancying her.

But, for the sake of your dignity, don’t tell her this. If she likes you already she would let you know, in that way that women do. Jumping in with your heart on your sleeve is likely to make you look pretty foolish.

Just accept that she’s dating some other bloke and move on.

There is no way for the OP to pursue this attraction without earning a lot of grief; even without the golden rule as I said before, this is a good situation to stay out of. There is no percentage in it.

Wise words

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

Some guys are more drawn toward girls who are either 1) unavailable, because they are dating or even engaged to someone else or 2) give off that happiness and confidence because they are dating someone and are not feeling needy for attention.

You couldn’t be more right if you wanted to be. The first time I experienced this myself was about a week after I got back from my honeymoon. The last time was a few weeks ago by some young woman about half my age, and she was with about five other guys when she did it!

With regard to the OP, I recommend staying out of the situation. I actually did it once, but it was someone I knew well and I was immature at the time (we were good friends and I wanted her to go with me to my senior prom). Even though we were good friends and she went with me, looking back it was a dumb move.

 

[Joe_5859]

If you are really in love her, i mean to want the dating with her,** for discerning the marriage, you can and you should to say your feelings of potential conjugal love. **

Please tell me you’ve never used that as a pickup line.

I understand the thoughts about how the nature of marriage means that she’s still single until she says “I do.”

However, I don’t think it is practical, nor representative of current social expectations to treat a girl’s boyfriend as though he is of no consequence simply because they are not married yet. If the OP follows that advice, he’s going to end up in an awkward situation indeed.

 

[fpt]

Please tell me you’ve never used that as a pickup line.

I understand the thoughts about how the nature of marriage means that she’s still single until she says “I do.”

However, I don’t think it is practical, nor representative of current social expectations to treat a girl’s boyfriend as though he is of no consequence simply because they are not married yet. If the OP follows that advice, he’s going to end up in an awkward situation indeed.

My French culture on the love, my French view of the love, my French acception of the love and my French passion of love are elements for understanding my advice. In France, the honorable love is the first, the cultural etiquette for avoiding the difficulties in love are second.

Honestly, do you want to tell you for forever, I have said nothing, i was silent, i could lost my potential wife/ mistress/ lover/ love, and the potential mother of our future children. Me, I do not want, i hope not, i do not desire, i do not wish, i do not will.

The romantism, the passion, the reason, the desire, the will are the keys of the conjugal love. As a french man, i think like that. The love is a battle and a struggle.

Only a deep love for her with honorable reasons can justify to tell her his powerful feelings of love. If he wants her, if he desires her, if he will to get marriage with her in his heart, i should tell to this girl: I love you, i need you, i want you, i desire you, i want to date with you for honorable reason, the discernement of marriage. Love is very powerful.

 

[EasterJoy]

There’s a girl that I like that has a boyfriend. I began to have feelings for her recently and I can’t shut them out. I feel guilty for liking her when she already likes someone else… Is this a sin? I don’t do or say anything to cross the line of being just friends. Should I tell her how I feel? If she likes me after my confession then is it a sin? Am I tearing them apart by letting her know my feelings?

Don’t feel guilty for liking her. There is no sin in that.

She’s not this fellow’s wife, but you should still not seek to disrupt someone else’s relationship in order to make way for yourself. Applying the golden rule, you wouldn’t want him doing that to you.

Do not tell her how you feel bluntly when you haven’t even dated her. First, you will really put her on the spot. Second, it is kind of creepy to actually hear that someone who is more or less one among many acquaintances can’t shut thoughts of us out, even when the same thing has innocently happened to us. Third, in my experience it is better when someone puts their feelings for you into words if it is not some huge shock.

You do not, however, have to hide the fact that you think she is very attractive in the general sense, that her boyfriend is lucky to be dating her, that she is a great friend, and so on. IOW, don’t set yourself up as his rival, but do not leave her completely in the dark that you think that you would be lucky to hear from her if her thing with What’s-His-Name doesn’t work out. You just have to be diplomatic enough about it that she’ll still think you a charming friend if she ends up marrying ol’ What’s-His-Name. Again, don’t make yourself into the guy that her boyfriend hates. It’s kind of a delicate line to walk, but you don’t have to hide your appreciation of what a fine wife she will make someone entirely. That, she’ll want to know, particularly if you let her know in a way that doesn’t put her on the spot to issue a rejection. That way, if she breaks up with ol What’s His Name, she knows that someone very special may very well be interested in dinner and a movie, if she feels inclined.

 

[Kamaduck]

Don’t feel guilty for liking her. There is no sin in that.

She’s not this fellow’s wife, but you should still not seek to disrupt someone else’s relationship in order to make way for yourself. Applying the golden rule, you wouldn’t want him doing that to you.

Do not tell her how you feel bluntly when you haven’t even dated her. First, you will really put her on the spot. Second, it is kind of creepy to actually hear that someone who is more or less one among many acquaintances can’t shut thoughts of us out, even when the same thing has innocently happened to us. Third, in my experience it is better when someone puts their feelings for you into words if it is not some huge shock.

You do not, however, have to hide the fact that you think she is very attractive in the general sense, that her boyfriend is lucky to be dating her, that she is a great friend, and so on. IOW, don’t set yourself up as his rival, but do not leave her completely in the dark that you think that you would be lucky to hear from her if her thing with What’s-His-Name doesn’t work out. You just have to be diplomatic enough about it that she’ll still think you a charming friend if she ends up marrying ol’ What’s-His-Name. Again, don’t make yourself into the guy that her boyfriend hates. It’s kind of a delicate line to walk, but you don’t have to hide your appreciation of what a fine wife she will make someone entirely. That, she’ll want to know, particularly if you let her know in a way that doesn’t put her on the spot to issue a rejection. That way, if she breaks up with ol What’s His Name, she knows that someone very special may very well be interested in dinner and a movie, if she feels inclined.

takes notes



Sounds like excellent advice to me.

 

[Joe_5859]

Don’t feel guilty for liking her. There is no sin in that.

She’s not this fellow’s wife, but you should still not seek to disrupt someone else’s relationship in order to make way for yourself. Applying the golden rule, you wouldn’t want him doing that to you.

Do not tell her how you feel bluntly when you haven’t even dated her. First, you will really put her on the spot. Second, it is kind of creepy to actually hear that someone who is more or less one among many acquaintances can’t shut thoughts of us out, even when the same thing has innocently happened to us. Third, in my experience it is better when someone puts their feelings for you into words if it is not some huge shock.

You do not, however, have to hide the fact that you think she is very attractive in the general sense, that her boyfriend is lucky to be dating her, that she is a great friend, and so on. IOW, don’t set yourself up as his rival, but do not leave her completely in the dark that you think that you would be lucky to hear from her if her thing with What’s-His-Name doesn’t work out. You just have to be diplomatic enough about it that she’ll still think you a charming friend if she ends up marrying ol’ What’s-His-Name. Again, don’t make yourself into the guy that her boyfriend hates. It’s kind of a delicate line to walk, but you don’t have to hide your appreciation of what a fine wife she will make someone entirely. That, she’ll want to know, particularly if you let her know in a way that doesn’t put her on the spot to issue a rejection. That way, if she breaks up with ol What’s His Name, she knows that someone very special may very well be interested in dinner and a movie, if she feels inclined.

Very well put. I take back everything I said earlier. Listen to EasterJoy.

 

[chevalier]

It is not a sin to like someone who is dating another. She is not married. She is free to date other people. Dating is a process. You are both involved the process. **There is absolutely no reason that she shouldn’t go on a date with another guy. **

I would treat her just like any other girl who you wish to date. If you think she is interested, ask her out.

Well, I believe that there are two things to make it wrong:

1. If there’s a promise not to date other people, it’s wrong to break that promise. (This promise may be implied.)
2. Some displays of affection may be justified by, well, the said affection being present, but they’re not okay to engage in as simple recreation.

Actually, three things:
3. Harbouring affections of ‘that kind’ for two people at the same time is, I believe, wrong.

I’m inserting ‘I believe’ everywhere because I can’t give you a dogmatic definition, magisterial teaching or anything of the sort, but it’d be really hard to justify polyamory.

This said, it wouldn’t be wrong for the OP to tell the girl how he feels, if he did so without doing anything to sabotage the existing relationship, deceive etc.

This is merely a crush.

One problem in a young age is that it’s difficult to tell a simple crush from something bigger. Another, similar problem is a feeling of some kind of compulsion to act on every crush, like something needs to be done with those feelings. I suppose that’s necessary to get people to marry each other (preferably while they’re young), but my advice would be for the OP to realise that crushes happen, sometimes there’s little more to them, and that simply feeling something doesn’t mean that something absolutely must be done. It’s more an incentive than a requirement.

 

[Kamaduck]

Well, I believe that there are two things to make it wrong:

1. If there’s a promise not to date other people, it’s wrong to break that promise. (This promise may be implied.)
2. Some displays of affection may be justified by, well, the said affection being present, but they’re not okay to engage in as simple recreation.

Actually, three things:
3. Harbouring affections of ‘that kind’ for two people at the same time is, I believe, wrong.

I’m inserting ‘I believe’ everywhere because I can’t give you a dogmatic definition, magisterial teaching or anything of the sort, but it’d be really hard to justify polyamory.

This said, it wouldn’t be wrong for the OP to tell the girl how he feels, if he did so without doing anything to sabotage the existing relationship, deceive etc.

How are you using the word “affections” there? I’m willing to buy that seriously pursuing two people at the same time could be wrong, but feelings are not going to be “wrong” in the sense that they will not be sinful. They can only be controlled to an extent.

And then we’ll need to decide what “seriously” entails. While the current dating scene does not, in my experience, involve going on “dates” with different people from week to week, I don’t think there is anything wrong with that system as long as everyone knows that no promise has been made.

I still think it would be unwise, if not sinful, for the OP to tell the girl how he feels, precisely because she is in a relationship that is likely understood to be exclusive by both parties. OP needs to back off until they break up. If they don’t break up, he should be happy for her.

 

[chevalier]

How are you using the word “affections” there? I’m willing to buy that seriously pursuing two people at the same time could be wrong, but feelings are not going to be “wrong” in the sense that they will not be sinful. They can only be controlled to an extent.

I said ‘harbouring’ not ‘experiencing’. One’s not responsible for simply having some feelings, but one is responsible for feeding them.

It doesn’t take seriously pursuing two or more people at the same time. Unseriously pursuing one person at a time can be wrong on account of being unserious, i.e. toying with that person’s feelings (and with one’s own; we’re not supposed to be hurting ourselves, either).

To give you an example: I don’t really see it as wrong if one should, say, indicate some kind of openness and allow a mild degree of flirting but especially probing questions and serious conversations with two people. On the other hand, even just stargazing, reading romantic poems, holding hands etc. with two people at the same time, which many wouldn’t call serious (because ‘nothing happened’) would be wrong. I’m not saying a huge subjective moral fault or something, but it’s just wrong.

And then we’ll need to decide what “seriously” entails. While the current dating scene does not, in my experience, involve going on “dates” with different people from week to week, I don’t think there is anything wrong with that system as long as everyone knows that no promise has been made.

It doesn’t come down to promises or lack of them. It comes down to the difference between discernment and consumption. I would say there isn’t really anything wrong in a boy and girl kissing, if they’re in love, if it doesn’t lead to sexual sins. On the other hand, doing the same thing recreationally… well, what justification would be there for that kind of thing? Pleasure itself? That’s a poor one. At any rate, we’re made to love one person, not two, not three, not any more than that. Exceptions happen in practice (usually in the form of current conflicts or residual feelings from the past), but in those cases one shouldn’t act on all of those feelings.

I still think it would be unwise, if not sinful, for the OP to tell the girl how he feels, precisely because she is in a relationship that is likely understood to be exclusive by both parties. OP needs to back off until they break up. If they don’t break up, he should be happy for her.

With some exceptions I’d agree. Basically, if there are any grounds to think that the girl has some existing interest in you and might prefer to be with you rather than the guy she’s with right now, then you should probably tell her and leave the decision to her, rather than ‘generously’ allowing her to remain with her second best choice while also giving up your own interest in her. Situations like that happen in practice. Just to be clear, I don’t think there’s any reason to think the OP is in that type of situation (unless the girl has acted interested before).

 

[Kamaduck]

I said ‘harbouring’ not ‘experiencing’. One’s not responsible for simply having some feelings, but one is responsible for feeding them.

It doesn’t take seriously pursuing two or more people at the same time. Unseriously pursuing one person at a time can be wrong on account of being unserious, i.e. toying with that person’s feelings (and with one’s own; we’re not supposed to be hurting ourselves, either).

To give you an example: I don’t really see it as wrong if one should, say, indicate some kind of openness and allow a mild degree of flirting but especially probing questions and serious conversations with two people. On the other hand, even just stargazing, reading romantic poems, holding hands etc. with two people at the same time, which many wouldn’t call serious (because ‘nothing happened’) would be wrong. I’m not saying a huge subjective moral fault or something, but it’s just wrong.

Oh, I see what you’re saying. (Although I didn’t know that “harboring” was different than “experiencing”… that’s a little confusing, but now it makes sense.)

I guess I just think that if you’re not deceiving or hurting anyone, it can be OK to go on dates with different people in fairly quick succession. The goal would be to see how much you liked each of them, and you wouldn’t consider any of them more than potential girl/boy friends at the time. I guess I’m just saying dating doesn’t necessarily imply exclusivity, while using the terms “girlfriend” and “boyfriend” does. If exclusivity is not implied, the person should be free to date other people. However, I would say that kissing is one thing that should be reserved for exclusive relationships. What behavior is OK in an exclusive relationship but not OK on a not-serious-yet date is kind of a common sense thing, IMO.

However, this doesn’t really relate to the OP, because as far as we know the girl in question is in an exclusive relationship and has no romantic interest in the OP.