I love King Jesus so much it hurts. I can't ask for more

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FossilResin

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I’m just dropping by to say that I think the Beloved King Jesus is the most beautiful thing in existence and I’m kind of amazed and how does He do this, how does He just show up and capture my heart like this? I want to fall flat on my face before Him in perpetual adoration forever and ever. I just want to live for Him and shout it from the rooftops. I despise my own sin and anything that comes between me and Him. I just want Him to overtake my life and make it His instrument of undying love. I think I love Him more than anything. I’m terrified there was ever a time when our species didn’t know Him, when I didn’t love Him! How did we bear it?! There is no life outside of Him! I stake my life on it: He is the entire point and end and source and summit of every human life, and I am not worthy, but I want Him to purify every corner of my heart for Him, I don’t want to go a minute without loving Him, forever and ever. I am like the old man in the temple at His birth; I have longed to see Him and hold Him. I know that He loves me, and I struggle to even grasp the enormity of that. I long to see Him face to face, to be cleansed from every sin and evil that I may love Him in His shining presence forever and ever and it will never get boring. I LOVE YOU, LORD JESUS! There is no one like you. You alone are the king of my heart.

(PS please pray for the conversion of my fiancee! Thank you, friends!)
 
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Have you discerned whether or not you are being called to religious life?
 
Well I am engaged already to a great man. I’ve thought about it, and I think with my personality I might thrive as a contemplative nun if other things in my life were different, but I also do really desire marital intimacy. If for some reason my engagement doesn’t turn into a marriage (please Lord, no, but Your will be done…) then I’ll reconsider. Besides I’m already 29. Isn’t that too old to become a nun/ woman religious?

However, I seriously think it should be totally possible for laypeople to have as much of a devotion to Jesus as the consecrated religious. It just has to be so. Can married family life be a distraction from the Lord? Yes, this is a temptation. And that’s why the Lord says in His lovable humorous Jewish hyperbole that we must “hate” our family members if they become idols to us. Besides, the consecrated religious also face temporal distractions that aren’t so different.

I just want to love and serve the Lord in whatever I’m doing as a layperson. If the Lord didn’t think is was possible to love Him completely as a layperson, He probably woulda ended the world a while ago. 😁
 
The only reason I ask is because I resonated with everything you wrote, and just last night had to wrestle with the question that if I had not left the Catholic Church and gotten married (foolishly, certainly, as my husband and I both agree, but all things work together for the good of those who love God and have been called according to His purpose), but if I had remained in fellowship with Rome, I’m almost positive that I would have became a nun. It’s been hard to wrestle with. Marriage is an excellent vocation, but especially as a wife who will usually be the one raising the kids God gives you, take it from me that it reaalllyyy makes contemplative life more difficult. Yes, you can still pursue prayer and holiness as a wife and mother, and we all should, but religious life is a wonderful thing for people who want to spend every waking hour with their Lord.

Last night I attended a function where a priest spoke about how he had been seeing a girl for three years and was planning to be married after university when the Lord called him to be a priest. Religious life isn’t for those for whom marriage just doesn’t work out. It’s for those who feel so deeply called to a relationship with their Lord that they can focus their entire attention on it. I can’t focus my entire attention on it, because I have to read to my kids and change diapers and take them to the park. My attentions are necessarily divided that way. Anyways, just a thought. 🙂
 
Have you considered going on a retreat at a convent?

This is a convent near me I hold very dear. I am not sure where you are located but you could probably find somewhere similar.

http://sisterservants.org/
 
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I admit I never thought of doing that. But the question remains: why should we expect laypeople to have anything less than a burning love for our Lord? I just want to be near Him, always.

Also, I’m hesitant about going into prayer expecting an explicit answer point blank, as if I were attempting to force God into telling me the answer to something on my terms. I’m still working on knowing when it’s His voice I’m hearing, in the first place.
 
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Thank you for sharing that. I really appreciate it. I admit that the lack of contemplative quiet time and space in family life is what I seriously fear most. On the other hand, educating my own future children in the faith as a homeschool mom is something that makes me very excited, very eager for.
 
I, too, love homeschooling my kids and teach them about the faith. It is a noble calling, raising the next generation!
For clarification, though, everyone is called to a life of adoration of our savior. It’s what He made us for! The fact that it’s just more practical to spend more time in prayer as a single person than a married person doesn’t mean one is bad and the other is good. But even the apostle Paul talks about how he wishes that people were single like him so that they can dedicate more time to their relationship with God. It’s not a case of, “You’re married so you’re out of the spirituality club,” it’s just practicality.

I don’t know what God’s calling is for your life, but like the priest at the talk asked last night, if God called you to religious life, do you love Him enough to follow Him, even if it’s not what you had planned on doing? Even if it meant abandoning all thoughts of marriage, kids, homeschooling, and all the joys that come with all of those?

I would recommend spending time in adoration and asking our Lord to reveal to you what He wants of you, as well as pray the rosary every day. You aren’t forcing an answer, but making your request known, and Jesus always answers when we ask for His will.

Peace to you!
 
I pray to my beloved King that He will give me the strength and courage and peace of mind to follow Him anywhere and through anything. But what I worry about the most is abandoning my fiancee, who has given himself to me more than any person under Jesus himself. How can I abandon and betray and break the heart of my fiancee by choosing to not marry him? This makes me agonize more than anything because I despise disloyalty and I just don’t want to hurt someone I love and who has been so loyal to me. I also fear that leaving him would reflect badly on his experience of God, when daily I sense that he is coming closer to the faith, step by small step. I’ve gotten to a place where I am ready to ask God to give me the strength to do anything He is asking of me, but I can’t see how abandoning the closest earthly relationship of my life could ever honestly fit with God’s plan. By now you see that this is something I have been agonizing about for a while. If God does not want me marrying this man, then I’d sooner ask God to inspire my fiancee to dump me rather than I be the one to ever dump him. Besides, I’m full of grief because I have essentially no family and I am a convert to the faith. The words of Saint Maximilian Kolbe resound as a plea in my heart: “I have no family; take me.”
 
There are many things that I could say to you, but I will just say this. I have stood in your place of anger against God, and I will never return there, for when we were yet enemies of God, His love fought for us. If it is an answer to the problem of suffering you are looking for, know that all the legions of saints have already tread that road ahead of you. And no, my parents didn’t raise me to believe in Jesus. I was raised in a family that did not know Him, but He captured my heart, and I am the happiest captive for Love. He is the way, the truth, and the life. He is the greatest Love of our every breath. He is the answer to your very life, and He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead, and His kingdom shall have no end.
 
I really admire you. You and many others that have this strong faith! It is not easy to believe in a particular God. There are so many. None of them answer your questions. The church didn’t do a great job (corruption, abusers,…). Almost all wars are in the name of religion. You might see something I missed
 
There are not many gods. There is one God, and He loves you like you wouldn’t believe. He is the God that we, as Catholics love, because He loved us first. Every good thing we do and are is because of His own goodness.

I recommend the book Mere Christianity by CS Lewis to help you on your journey.
 
I second the OPs thoughts. You know him because he has made himself known to you, and there is no greater love. You express yourself beautifully; have you been writing or thought about it?
Praying for your fiancé’s conversion. Have you thought about asking him to go through RCIA with you, so that he can understand your faith? You could go with him. Then at least he would understand where you stand on matters like birth control, baptism of children, attending mass, and so on. It’s sad when Catholics marry people who don’t understand how important our faith is to us, and think we’ll just get over our concerns.
Thanks for your heartfelt words about our Lord.
 
I already converted eight years ago. 🙂 I did the full RCIA. However, we Catholics do believe that conversion is an ongoing process. I’m just sharing this love for Jesus for no other reason than that I love Him and wanted to tell everybody! 💛

Thank you for praying for my fiancee. We have been together 6 years already and he understands my values and faith very well, agrees to raise our kids Catholic, and agrees with all the other important things. He’s on a good path, as am I.
 
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