I love my mom but

[RCIAGraduate]

she is not someone I go to for validation. For instance, right now it seemed like she scolded me for missing one decoration to put away. I talked back and told her not to worry about little things like that. Then again if it’s one decoration, why should I likewise get my knots in a bunch.

I know she loves me very much, that everything she does if for me and my general welfare but it just feels like I’m not good enough for her. Granted my family life has markebly improved and it’s on me to better it. I mean I know her experiences, out of all people I should know that she needs my patience, compassion ans understanding. Life doesn’t seem to go her life and the least I could do is be her own yes-men. Heh, maybe even a henchman or a lackey of some sort. Moms do deserve that.

I mean a lot of the Saints, it seemed like they were abused by their families (St.Joseph of Cupertino and St.Rita of Cascia) yet they responded with sweetness every time they were given bitterness. OK, some of them needed to grow but in general their model is admirable (and like martyrs). They literally surrendered themselves for peace.

Moms and mothers, if you don’t perhaps you could shed some of her perspective through your views and experience. I’d particularly like to see your thoughts.

 

[Eliza10]

she is not someone I go to for validation. For instance, right now it seemed like she scolded me for missing one decoration to put away. I talked back and told her not to worry about little things like that. Then again if it’s one decoration, why should I likewise get my knots in a bunch.

I know she loves me very much, that everything she does if for me and my general welfare but it just feels like I’m not good enough for her. Granted my family life has markebly improved and it’s on me to better it. I mean I know her experiences, out of all people I should know that she needs my patience, compassion ans understanding. Life doesn’t seem to go her life and the least I could do is be her own yes-men. Heh, maybe even a henchman or a lackey of some sort. Moms do deserve that.

I mean a lot of the Saints, it seemed like they were abused by their families (St.Joseph of Cupertino and St.Rita of Cascia) yet they responded with sweetness every time they were given bitterness. OK, some of them needed to grow but in general their model is admirable (and like martyrs). They literally surrendered themselves for peace.

Moms and mothers, if you don’t perhaps you could shed some of her perspective through your views and experience. I’d particularly like to see your thoughts.

Aw, Moms are fallible people. Also personality differences mean that sometimes you can be deeply hurt by her and she’l have no clue how her words affected you (since they wouldn’t have affected her that way. What some of us take in stride instead wounds others of us).

Yes, responding like St. Rita or St. Theresa to irritations is a great way to grow in the faith. But also there is your own personal growth of growing in communications. Telling your mother calmly (when she is not upset or rushed) that you want her to know that when she scolded you over that one last decoration you missed, it made your stomach twist and makes you feel unappreciated for the things you try to do to please her. And that you wish she would not scold/would speak kindly - whatever scenario would have made that easier to take, you can describe what you would have preferred her to do/say, after you think it over what you want and can think of a brief way to say it. Brief and direct is more effective).
.
So, describing the one incident (better than “You always…” - that’s a conversation-stopper), then, explaining how it made you feel, then, how you wish it was done differently - that’s communication. Do this a few times very calmly and non-accusingly, and she may start on her own thinking before she snaps. Keeping it to specific incidents makes it easier to talk about. Its a good skill to learn with your Mom that you will need to use later in life (when you’ll be glad you had practice!).

Sometimes I think that’s the gift of clashing personalities in family life. You learn ways to cope that help you much in the wide world later.

 

[Xantippe]

Aw, Moms are fallible people. Also personality differences mean that sometimes you can be deeply hurt by her and she’l have no clue how her words affected you (since they wouldn’t have affected her that way. What some of us take in stride instead wounds others of us).

Yes, responding like St. Rita or St. Theresa to irritations is a great way to grow in the faith. But also there is your own personal growth of growing in communications. Telling your mother calmly (when she is not upset or rushed) that you want her to know that when she scolded you over that one last decoration you missed, it made your stomach twist and makes you feel unappreciated for the things you try to do to please her. And that you wish she would not scold/would speak kindly - whatever scenario would have made that easier to take, you can describe what you would have preferred her to do/say, after you think it over what you want and can think of a brief way to say it. Brief and direct is more effective).
.
So, describing the one incident (better than “You always…” - that’s a conversation-stopper), then, explaining how it made you feel, then, how you wish it was done differently - that’s communication. Do this a few times very calmly and non-accusingly, and she may start on her own thinking before she snaps. Keeping it to specific incidents makes it easier to talk about. Its a good skill to learn with your Mom that you will need to use later in life (when you’ll be glad you had practice!).

Sometimes I think that’s the gift of clashing personalities in family life. You learn ways to cope that help you much in the wide world later.

Yes.

 

[Crusaderbear]

Best answer to a nagging mom, “I love you” and a big hug, then move on.

 

[chaplainmom]

I am concerned with what you are writing. No one is called to allow themselves to be subjected to abuse. As a survivor of childhood abuse from both my own mentally ill mother who suffered from paranoid schizophrenia and past clerical sexual abuse, it is NOT holy to condone abuse of any kind - verbal, emotional, physical, sexual, or spiritual.

It is HEALTHY to confide in trained professionals - like school counselors - to see if what you are experiencing is abusive or not. It is HEALTHY for you to be honest about your feelings and to have them validated. It is OK to feel hurt, sad, angry. Jesus felt all these things.

Suffering in life happens to all of us, but we do not have to walk into it and ask for it. Jesus wants us to be life-giving in all we do, not life-taking. The best tool I can offer you is to learn to affirm yourself. Throughout your life you are going to be your own best friend. Let Jesus teach you how He loves you perfectly and unconditionally by talking to him in prayer. None of us human parents are perfect. We are sinful, stressed, confused and wounded human beings too. May the Love of Our Lord be with you today and Always.

 

[gardenswithkids]

… For instance, right now it seemed like she scolded me for missing one decoration to put away. I talked back and told her not to worry about little things like that. Then again if it’s one decoration, why should I likewise get my knots in a bunch. …
Moms and mothers, if you don’t perhaps you could shed some of her perspective through your views and experience. I’d particularly like to see your thoughts.

Hello. Am I correct in assuming you are a college-aged adult who primarily relies on your parents for financial support?

Apparently, your mother had requested your involvement in helping to put away decorations, and you over-looked one. Somehow she pointed that out to you in a way that you perceived to be scolding. You did not accept her correction but rather by your response to her, you indicated that didn’t seem to care if you’d done the job well or not.

Noticing details is a skill. It’s a skill that can be developed over time, and developing it improves other areas of life that require the ability to notice small details. We learn such skills in small tasks, such as helping around the house, and then we can apply those skills in other ways as we progress through life.

Success in life depends on the ability to notice and take care of details. Maybe your mom has unrealistically high standards, but I can’t tell that from this particular example. As a mother, I assume that your mother is both looking for help with household chores and also helping to prepare you for success in the world. How would you have responded to a boss if that boss had pointed out you’d left something undone that was asked of you? If you are receiving financial support from your parents as an adult, it may be easier for you to think of some of her requests as if they were coming from a boss who paid your salary. I highly doubt that you’d have responded to an employer the way you responded to your mother.

 

[Sugabee43]

Hello. Am I correct in assuming you are a college-aged adult who primarily relies on your parents for financial support?

Apparently, your mother had requested your involvement in helping to put away decorations, and you over-looked one. Somehow she pointed that out to you in a way that you perceived to be scolding. You did not accept her correction but rather by your response to her, you indicated that didn’t seem to care if you’d done the job well or not.

Noticing details is a skill. It’s a skill that can be developed over time, and developing it improves other areas of life that require the ability to notice small details. We learn such skills in small tasks, such as helping around the house, and then we can apply those skills in other ways as we progress through life.

Success in life depends on the ability to notice and take care of details. Maybe your mom has unrealistically high standards, but I can’t tell that from this particular example. As a mother, I assume that your mother is both looking for help with household chores and also helping to prepare you for success in the world. How would you have responded to a boss if that boss had pointed out you’d left something undone that was asked of you? If you are receiving financial support from your parents as an adult, it may be easier for you to think of some of her requests as if they were coming from a boss who paid your salary. I highly doubt that you’d have responded to an employer the way you responded to your mother.

Yes, THIS. Assuming that this is just typical mom/teenage or young adult interaction and NOT abuse, I agree with this assessment. As the mother of 3 teenage boys, I cannot tell you how frustrating it is to repeatedly ask for things to be picked up, put away, washed out, straightened up, etc… only to be told to “calm down” or basically be verbally dismissed because they don’t feel it’s a big deal. This DOES NOT happen on a regular basis in my home, mind you. I’m just saying that it’s extremely annoying; especially if you have more than one child and you’re directing more than one activity.

Cut your mom some slack. If she’s actually yelling or screaming, or if it’s non-stop then that’s one thing. But if the Christmas decorations were already hauled up to the attic and that one item left out means she has to haul it back down again to put it away, then I can understand if she scolded you. Just say, “I’m sorry, Mom; it was an accident”, or “I’m sorry, Mom; I didn’t mean to”, and let it go.

 

[pensmama87]

Hello. Am I correct in assuming you are a college-aged adult who primarily relies on your parents for financial support?

Apparently, your mother had requested your involvement in helping to put away decorations, and you over-looked one. Somehow she pointed that out to you in a way that you perceived to be scolding. You did not accept her correction but rather by your response to her, you indicated that didn’t seem to care if you’d done the job well or not.

Noticing details is a skill. It’s a skill that can be developed over time, and developing it improves other areas of life that require the ability to notice small details. We learn such skills in small tasks, such as helping around the house, and then we can apply those skills in other ways as we progress through life.

Success in life depends on the ability to notice and take care of details. Maybe your mom has unrealistically high standards, but I can’t tell that from this particular example. As a mother, I assume that your mother is both looking for help with household chores and also helping to prepare you for success in the world. How would you have responded to a boss if that boss had pointed out you’d left something undone that was asked of you? If you are receiving financial support from your parents as an adult, it may be easier for you to think of some of her requests as if they were coming from a boss who paid your salary. I highly doubt that you’d have responded to an employer the way you responded to your mother.

This is a very nice way of expressing what I thought when I read the OP. My knee-jerk reaction was, frankly, not very nice.

 

[Bonnie]

For instance, right now it seemed like she scolded me for missing one decoration to put away. I talked back and told her not to worry about little things like that. Then again if it’s one decoration, why should I likewise get my knots in a bunch…

I mean a lot of the Saints, it seemed like they were abused by their families (St.Joseph of Cupertino and St.Rita of Cascia) yet they responded with sweetness every time they were given bitterness.

You equate “seemed like she scolded me” with abuse??? As a former child and a mother, I would suggest you apologize to your mother. And do some chores unasked. And do them well.

 

[heart4home]

she is not someone I go to for validation. For instance, right now it seemed like she scolded me for missing one decoration to put away. I talked back and told her not to worry about little things like that. Then again if it’s one decoration, why should I likewise get my knots in a bunch.

I know she loves me very much, that everything she does if for me and my general welfare but it just feels like I’m not good enough for her. Granted my family life has markebly improved and it’s on me to better it. I mean I know her experiences, out of all people I should know that she needs my patience, compassion ans understanding. Life doesn’t seem to go her life and the least I could do is be her own yes-men. Heh, maybe even a henchman or a lackey of some sort. Moms do deserve that.

I mean a lot of the Saints, it seemed like they were abused by their families (St.Joseph of Cupertino and St.Rita of Cascia) yet they responded with sweetness every time they were given bitterness. OK, some of them needed to grow but in general their model is admirable (and like martyrs). They literally surrendered themselves for peace.

Moms and mothers, if you don’t perhaps you could shed some of her perspective through your views and experience. I’d particularly like to see your thoughts.

I think the others have said it well.

Perhaps the issue here is that you are too sensitive to correction.

Why did you refer to the saints and abuse, when this is the example you gave of such?

Nothing you have said here, rings even slightly of abuse. A slightly irritated, or raised voice with a quick reprimand by a mother to child, even if the child is teenage or “adult” age, is not abuse.

 

[pianistclare]

This is a very nice way of expressing what I thought when I read the OP. My knee-jerk reaction was, frankly, not very nice.

Me three.

 

[Eliza10]

Oh, dear, maybe some of you are too hard on the OP. She admits her mother tries hard, but says she does not go to her for validation. Well, validation is pretty important to get from a Mom. Maybe Mom falls short in that department. We are all human, and we all fail even while doing our best. If her Mom is unknowingly causing hurt feelings then its best that she know, so she can begin to remedy the situation. And daughter can learn to speak up for herself, gently and plainly, which is a good lesson to learn - and not an easy one to embark on, when its your Mom.

 

[Bonnie]

That’s funny - I assumed the OP was male.

 

[Sugabee43]

Me, too. LOL! OP, are you male or female?

 

[Eliza10]

Yes, tell us, RCIAGraduate.

I am considering more closely, and am actually thinking its maybe you are male…

 

[Viki63]

Moms are just humans. Sometimes everything I say to my daughter rubs her the wrong way, She’ll say, “Mom, it’s not your fault, but I can’t stand being around you today,”
I started saying “I love you,” at the end of every conversation, and it seems to have helped a lot.
We speak different languages at times. Just keep in mind that love wins, in the end.

.

 

[RCIAGraduate]

Male.

Some of these replies were like butterflies, others like bees, but bees give honey.

I appreciate the:twocents: . While I didn’t initially some of the responses, it could be some advice I could really use, especially since I’m fortunate enough to have a mom to complain about.

Also, if you don’t mind, I’d also appreciate some prayers for my mom’s health.

Again thank you. And I hope all of you have a great 2016.