I made a big mistake the other night

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Sorry to butt in on this thread…but just to say I know how it is with emotional abuse…my husband and I both grew up with it and the first half of our marriage seemed to be taken up with resolving our resulting personalities. Neither of us had a christian upbringing but we are noe catholics together and feel that we have 'climbed out of a pit and started to live and learn since we got married. We have seperated ourselves alot from time with our parents because of the continuing behaviour. …and boy they hate it that we are catholic! My point is that we had many rows which I dont regret and have sorted things out and as our family has grown I think we have grown up. We have changed enormously. Is your husband a practising Catholic. …as a talk with your priest wil help him. In your situation I would feel the same but agree that divorce has a terrible effect on a boy…but if abuse continues must talk to priest.
 
Thank you for sharing your experiences with me…

I think the hard part is the fact that when I mention these things to my husband he instantly shuts down.

If someone tells me I hurt them (even if I don’t agree) I always at least apologize.
But he has yet to do that. He just seems to put up this Teflon wall.

This morning I asked him if he spoke to his dad at all about our situation at dinner and my son’s joke… He said there’s nothing to talk about.
 
mega1 said:
Thank you…thank you for the support.

I think I’ve been on here enough…to frustrate people. Many thinking I was just complaining and not taking any action. While I’m certainly not the epitome of success just yet…I did want to get additional feedback and support.

That’s for several reasons…including…allowing people to understand just HOW MUCH I’m exposed to …and also…how it is second nature from my own family.

I wrote an email to my sister telling her I was saddened to hear how she reacted to my son and I was also upset to hear how she was talking about me and my family to my Mom.

I said simply… I know you and Mom spend a great deal of time in prayer …but I believe being a good person also includes kindness and compassion and I would appreciate it if she would try to bring that into our relationship, as well.

I have NO DOUBT that just that email will cause my mother and sister to disown me again for at least a few months. They will say I’m an angry bitter woman and will tell me to try to find peace…

So standing up to her in ANY form was a huge risk. But, it’s strengthening that muscle.

As for my HUSBAND …the biggest problem I have is that I know he’s just joking with this stuff. He may sound malicious (and I am learning there must be a touch of anger there)…but he is just being “himself”.

But, now after really digging into therapy…my mother and sister used to do that ALL the time to me. I’d get dressed to go out and they’d laugh in the corner and say I looked like I had “gorilla arms”…(I have long arms)…Or they’d make fun of my boyfriends and my sister would call one in particular “jungle boy”…

They both constantly made fun of me and laughed…So, I am SO used to these things. And I am just NOW learning about how damaging it all is … I am trying to recover (for myself) and most of all…to protect our son.
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From your posts it sounds like abuse to me. When your husband said “Well maybe I should just leave then” I would likely have said that’s a good idea. But that’s just me. I won’t tolerate bad behavior I’ve had too many guys try that with me and I’m done with it. I refused to marry one because of it. Get your self straighten out and secure financially and boot the abuse out. Before he does more damage. Limit his access to the money before you do for your sons sake and yours.
 
PennyinCanada said:
I find that bullies say mean things, hurtful things, then cover their tracks by saying it was a joke, implying that you don’t have a sense of humor, as well as the insult.
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This statement is quite true concerning the abuse that bullies dish out. Bullies often use the FOG strategy which stands for fear, obligation and guilt to keep you off guard. Also I don’t think you made a big mistake by pointing out the obvious. If the shoe fits wear it. Your husband and son needed to know that you felt disrespect and that changes needed to be made in their attitudes towards you. It is good that you are receiving therapy to help you think straight. Abusive people need their victims to feel confused and in a FOG state. I’ll be praying for you but please continue to get help.
 
Thank you for the feedback. Yes, I am getting therapy. I told my therapist today in our weekly session…about what I described here. I’m fairly new to her…only a few weeks in…but she also felt that there was a lot of emotional abuse going on and she said she wanted to be honest…that she was worried for our son…saying he is at a critical age (8).

She maintained that my DH needs to WANT to change his behavior and work to improve himself. That his dismissal of my concerns and then continuing behavior (saying I guess I’ll just leave the house then…sarcastically…after hearing my son compliment me) was very indicative of his inability to embrace change and recognize the behavior.

I also explored the fact that I am used to this kind of treatment…from my own family of origin. My father would also act this way…with emotional abuse.

If I didn’t hug him tight enough or give him a kiss (which I felt uncomfortable doing…since we would grab my butt as a teenager) he would say …“well, I guess I’m just not good enough for you…or apparently you don’t love your good ol Dad anymore.”

I got that a lot…so I am often used to this and these words. So, I have to LEARN too…
 
This is what Pope Francis said about marriage on St Valentine’s Day
catholicleader.com.au/news/pope-talks-of-wedded-bliss

The secrets to a loving and lasting union, he said, included treating each other with respect, kindness and gratitude, and never letting daily struggles and squabbles sabotage making peace and saying, “I’m sorry”.

“The perfect family doesn’t exist, nor is there a perfect husband or a perfect wife, and let’s not talk about the perfect mother-in-law,” he said to laughter and applause.
“It’s just us sinners.” But “if we learn to say we’re sorry and ask forgiveness, the marriage will last”. “Living together is an art, a patient, beautiful and amazing journey” that “doesn’t end when you’ve won over each others’ hearts”, he said. Rather “that’s exactly when it begins”.A healthy family life, he said, absolutely required frequent use of three phrases: “May I? Thank you, and I’m sorry.”

People needed to be more attentive to how they treated each other, he said. They must trade in their heavy “mountain boots” for greater delicacy when walking into someone else’s life. Love was not tough or aggressive, he said, it was courteous and kind, and in a world that was “often violent and aggressive, we need much more courtesy”.

Couples also needed the strength to recognise when they had done wrong and ask forgiveness. The “instinct” to accuse someone else “is at the heart of so many disasters” starting with Adam, who ate the forbidden fruit. When God asked him if he did it, the Pope said, Adam immediately passes the blame saying, “‘Uh, no, it was that one over there who gave it to me.’ Accusing the other to get out of saying ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘Pardon me.’” Couples would make mistakes and fight, but “never, never, never end the day without making peace”, the Pope said. An eloquent speech wasn’t necessary, he said, but things must be set right because if they weren’t, the bad feelings inside would become “cold and hard and it will be more difficult to make peace” as time went on.

Many people couldn’t imagine or were afraid of a love and marriage that lasted forever because they thought love was an emotional-physical feeling or state-of-being, he said. But “love is a relationship, it’s something that grows”. The relationship needed to be taken care of every day, “entrusting yourselves to the Lord Jesus in a life that becomes a daily spiritual journey, made step by step, tiny steps” toward greater maturity and spiritual growth, he said.

Like his miracle of multiplying the loaves, Jesus would do the same “also for you”, he said, “multiplying your love and giving it to you good and fresh every day”.

The Pope also urged couples to keep their wedding ceremonies low-key, focusing more on Christ than on the dress, decorations and photographers. A Christian marriage was a celebration, but it must highlight “what’s really important”, and “the true reason for your joy: the blessing of your love by the Lord”.

God grant that your marriage can grow in this spirit
 
I hope you are going to a Catholic counselor, secular counselors are so quick to recommend divorce. Divorce is ugly and I think your husband will only get worse. That won’t help your son or you.

People can try to hurt us but we don’t have to let it effect us. That is what you learn in assertive training. No one is powerful enough to make us feel a certain way, it takes our co-operation as well. It teaches us to let things roll off our backs as it were. My mother said hurtful things but when I saw it was only from her own issues it sometime made me laugh, of course, I went to my room first before I laughed.

You are in control of your feelings, no one else. Of course, if something is said that should make us mad, then we are certainly right to say we are mad, or disappointed, or any other feeling we are having. That does help your boy to see how to identify feelings himself and that is good for him.
 
Well, my husband found a handout from my therapist about boundaries. He asked me about it. I told him that I was working on enforcing my boundaries. I explained to him again that I was worried about our son. He said “I haven’t said anything sarcastic to him in 3 days”. I told him that is great. But, the fact that he said “I guess I should leave” when our son said that he gets his niceness from me…shows that he needs to be more cognizant of his words and the damage they cause.

He was silent. I didn’t try to fill the silence. Finally I said “do you have any response?” He said “no”. He then said “I’ll try not to be sarcastic around Son”.

Then he walked away from me.

He did not apologize.
 
mega1 said:
Well, my husband found a handout from my therapist about boundaries. He asked me about it. I told him that I was working on enforcing my boundaries. I explained to him again that I was worried about our son. He said “I haven’t said anything sarcastic to him in 3 days”. I told him that is great. But, the fact that he said “I guess I should leave” when our son said that he gets his niceness from me…shows that he needs to be more cognizant of his words and the damage they cause.

He was silent. I didn’t try to fill the silence. Finally I said “do you have any response?” He said “no”. He then said “I’ll try not to be sarcastic around Son”.

Then he walked away from me.

He did not apologize.
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I am not a therapist or an expert but I am taking his lack of apology as him not realizing he did something to hurt you. It seems that no matter how much you express your concerns how he hurts your feelings by hi s words he is not willing to change.

It would not be a bad idea if he attended counselling with you. Have you approached him about going?
 
He has gone to therapy with me in the past. He does not like to do so and he always finds some reason to avoid it. I could probably force him into it… As I’ve done before. But that often just ends with him going through the motions. And not making lasting changes.

I often wonder… Does he have a heart? When someone says I’ve hurt them… I apologize! Especially if I didn’t know I did so…it’s just sad he seems so cold to it.
 
This is emotional abuse and I don’t see your husband’s behavior as “joking” he is being disrespectful. Your son is observing his father disrespecting you and he is learning that that is an acceptable way of treating you and that is what he is doing. I don’t understand why you apologize to your husband. Your son should have never being permitted to talk to you like that without consequences. By apologizing to your husband and taking the position of a joke you are allowing them to disrespect you and treat you like you are nothing and that is not right. I think you probably need to talk to a professional about the emotional abuse you are suffering, start recognizing it is abuse and stop justifying it as joking and start to put your foot down with your son and teach him respect. If you don’t put your footdown now with your son it may be too late llater and you will be in a lot of trouble during the teenage years.
 
mega1 said:
I was raised in a very stifled way as you can probably tell. So I was shamed into submission. I say that because now I don’t know how to deal w my son when he says things that are opinionated.

Like tonight, I was laying in bed saying a rosary. He had not done that. So I was teaching him. He heard the 5th Hail Mary in a row and said “mom that’s annoying”. I told him that wasn’t very nice and he just complained about hearing the same prayer over and over again.

Is that normal for a kid? Now I’m overly sensitive to all these issues. Feel scared to trust my gut because it has been SO wrong.
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The way you deal with your son is teaching him that some behavior is not acceptable and if he does something unacceptable there will be negative consequences talking back to you is not acceptable and disrespecting you will result in punishment. You are the boss not him. Telling your son at 8 that something is not nice or that hurts your feeling doesn’t work for the simple reason that he already knows he can get away with it. If he says the rosary is annoying you say well bad luck you do it period end of the story, and one more comment about being annoying or complain and you are grounded with x (ground him with something that actually hurts him not being able to do) and if he complains and defies you then you do what you said. Probably it would be good if you read some books from Nanny 911.
 
mega1 said:
Well, my husband found a handout from my therapist about boundaries. He asked me about it. I told him that I was working on enforcing my boundaries. I explained to him again that I was worried about our son. He said “I haven’t said anything sarcastic to him in 3 days”. I told him that is great. But, the fact that he said “I guess I should leave” when our son said that he gets his niceness from me…shows that he needs to be more cognizant of his words and the damage they cause.

He was silent. I didn’t try to fill the silence. Finally I said “do you have any response?” He said “no”. He then said “I’ll try not to be sarcastic around Son”.

Then he walked away from me.

He did not apologize.
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Ok so he acknowledges that he shouldn’t have said it. When he says “I’ll try not to be sarcastic around Son” That’s very telling it sounds like hes vaguely aware there’s a problem and trying in his way to do something about it. Maybe his emotional manipulation is more a form of habit then anything. In any case the fact that he still doesn’t appologise is not good but maybe he has to take baby steps to get there. Also if he’s not working and hanging around the house all day he might be getting resentful and his ego might be bruised about not being the breadwinner. Does he not want to work or just can’t find work. If it’s a matter of specialty maybe he should go back to school or go into another field. Men generally need an occupation to be happy and have self worth. Women find their worth more from their relationships.
 
mega1 said:
He has gone to therapy with me in the past. He does not like to do so and he always finds some reason to avoid it. I could probably force him into it… As I’ve done before. But that often just ends with him going through the motions. And not making lasting changes.

I often wonder… Does he have a heart? When someone says I’ve hurt them… I apologize! Especially if I didn’t know I did so…it’s just sad he seems so cold to it.
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I’m so sorry for you and your son. I will keep you in my prayers.

With what you have told us the only other advice that I have to you is PRAY for him, your marriage, your son. Have the Lord guide you an lead you in this situation.
 
I guess maybe I don’t see the issue. It’s hard to pick up on some stuff over a message board but it sounds like your DH was joking around and your 8 year old was being a typical 8 year old. Your DH should listen to your concerns but maybe you are overreacting. I know my wife and I have lots of conversations where I think she is over reacting and vice versa…and yes, usually it involves family and the differences between how we were brought up. I guess I don’t see what was emotionally abusive?
 
CatholicSooner said:
I guess maybe I don’t see the issue. It’s hard to pick up on some stuff over a message board but it sounds like your DH was joking around and your 8 year old was being a typical 8 year old. Your DH should listen to your concerns but maybe you are overreacting. I know my wife and I have lots of conversations where I think she is over reacting and vice versa…and yes, usually it involves family and the differences between how we were brought up. I guess I don’t see what was emotionally abusive?
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If you read all of the OP’s posts, you will see there is definitely a pattern of abuse. She is most definitely not overreacting.
 
It is emotional abuse to joke that the couch got ruined or that a dress got ruined? This is neither passive aggressive or abusive. I don’t get how you can be so offended by such little and meaningless statements. Maybe the problem is that you are uptight. His ‘yes Ma’am’ response seems to be fitting.
 
After reading through some of your other threads your husband does sound like a jerk. I still don’t get the subject of this thread though and how this is offensive though. It sounds like just a joke.
 
So tonight I went home on my dinner break and my son was having severe allergy attack. Eyes swollen shut. He has this happen once a year or so. Husband tells me to stop on way home to get Benadryl. I did. Son was okay. But scared. Before I left to go back to work he called me upstairs and asked me to sit with him. He said he was scared that I was leaving. I said you are going to be fine. You are already looking better! He said “you care for me more than Dad”.

Maybe that’s typical? Kids wanting their moms? Or is that abnormal?
 
He sounds like an intelligent child. He’s not likely to miss the fact that you have more empathy than does his Dad. Your needs you as his mother, but he does know you’re more in tune with his feelings. Your husband doesn’t demonstrate empathy towards you and your son no doubt perceives the same applies regarding himself.

This event. worrying though it was, is also a little gift of reassurance for you.
My sons are always close to me though they respect their Dad.
God bless you and your family
 
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