I married the wrong person

  • Thread starter Thread starter JMJServant
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
J

JMJServant

Guest
It pains me to write this, but I am miserable. I chose very poorly, and I knew during the engagement at times that I was unhappy, but was afraid to act on it for a host of cowardly reasons.

She is pregnant, and I am staying for the child’s sake. I sometimes think if anything happened to our child in utero, I would be free to leave her - and I hate myself for even thinking such a terrible thing. What kind of a father am I?

Where do I go from here? I’m in a marriage where I’m not respected; my wife comes from a family of women married to weak men they look down upon, and she is following suit. I am nagged constantly - any time I am not working she wants me to either spend time with her or do things around the house, the idea of taking 20 minutes to read the paper and relax has almost set off World War 3. My wife finds fault with everything I do (health habits, cleanliness of my study/our bedroom, my driving). She holds onto past hurts from some members of my family and refuses to let go of them, years later. She judges people for their positions on politics and religion and its impossible for her to grasp having a close friendship with someone you disagree with on those things. My nutty in-laws are in the next town over, and I am sick to death of seeing them all the time. I have gotten to the point where I feel like my libido is crushed; she mentions sex at the end of a long day where I have worked my butt off and all I truly wanna do is be left alone, and I agree to avoid an argument and quietly resent it.

I am miserable. I hate this life, I really do. Growing up, my mother said I was gonna make some lucky girl very happy someday. I know that’s probably something all mothers say to their sons, but I had hoped it was at least a little bit true. I don’t pretend I’m a stud, but I thought I deserved better than this. I try to imagine my life, and all I can see is me on my deathbed several decades from now, an old, broken man, grateful its gonna be over soon.

I don’t know why I’m writing this. I don’t know what anyone could say other than “you should get counseling”, and they’d be right. This may seem like some adolescent plea for attention. I don’t consciously mean it to be; if it is, I beg pardon for it. I guess I’m just tired of keeping it in. I don’t tell my parents the extent of my sadness because I’m afraid it will ruin their relationship with her. I don’t tell her in our arguments because some things you say and you can never unsay. I don’t mention it in confession because I’m too busy confessing my own sins and I’m afraid the priest will think I’m trying to justify or mitigate them.

Please pray for me. Thanks for listening.
 
First, you seem mature and wise to not say some of these things to your family. I probably can’t say anything to make you feel better, although I wish I could.

How much have you been able to speak with your wife about this? What is her response to your concerns?
 
JMJ,

Your story is a difficult one, and yes, you are right about the counseling… you two need it. I would suggest both through the church and through a licensed marriage counselor. Enough about that.

You are certainly doing the honorable thing by staying in the marriage, but you must consider that if things don’t get better, and years down the road you have multiple children, they will grow up in the environment that you are subjected to and think it to be normal. I am not advocating divorce (trust me, I’m going through one now… it’s not the answer), but in some way you must get the maddness to stop.

For a marriage to work, there needs to be mutual respect, love, and a good balance of give/take. It sounds like this one is VERY one sided, and that makes it a recipe for disaster. You really need to explain to your wife that what she is doing is not what a marriage is. I don’t know if she is catholic or what, but she should understand that marriage is a gift from God, and she is acting in a way that degrades that gift.

I hope things get better, but you need to be prepared for a fight. If your marriage is worth saving, and I honestly believe that every one is, it will take a LOT of work on both of your parts. Hopefully she is willing to put in that work and the two of you will have many happy and blessed years ahead. I will be praying for you brother.
 
I wonder why you were attracted to your wife in the first place, if she is so horrible now? You have spoken vows in front of God with her, and now you have made a child. It is hard to imagine a man being forced to have sex…at some point, there has to be cooperation at least. You are complaining that your wife wants you to spend time with her after work? Or do household activities? That’s called…NORMAL. You really need to get a handle on this before your baby comes.

Yes, it sounds as though you could benefit from counseling. Perhaps you are depressed and could benefit from anti-depressant medications. Please start with a doctor and go from there. Catholic Charities also offers counseling. Also, see your priest ASAP.

I also recommend that you start to discuss these subjects with your wife. It sounds as though there is little honest communication between the two of you, at least on your side, and if you don’t learn how to be truthful and work on issues, your marriage won’t survive.

But I will certainly add you to my prayers.
 
I think you should find someone you can talk to about your life. My suggestion would be your priest, not within the confessional, but by means of an appointment you set up with him for counselling. He may then decide to work with you further, or refer you to someone who can help you get some perspective and give you some ‘tools’ for improving your life. It is very difficult when we are in the midst of the problems to see the way out, while a skilled counsellor can provide welcome pointers of the direction to go and support as we adopt new ways.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
You are complaining that your wife wants you to spend time with her after work? Or do household activities? That’s called…NORMAL. QUOTE]

Thank you, Julianne - I am complaining that for weeks on end, it is impossible for me to get 15 minutes to myself. I understand she has a right to want my time, I don’t think its unreasonable for me to want to peruse a newspaper or watch a television episode. I work 10 hour days and I cannot get a break.
TheRealJuliane;10572365:
I wonder why you were attracted to your wife in the first place, if she is so horrible now? .
Click to expand...
She changed after I proposed, and as I indicated, I was foolish enough to stay.
TheRealJuliane said:
It is hard to imagine a man being forced to have sex…at some point, there has to be cooperation at least. QUOTE]

Of course there is cooperation. I did not say she was raping me. I said I went along with it because I didn’t want any drama.
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
 
JMJServant said:
Of course there is cooperation. I did not say she was raping me. I said I went along with it because I didn’t want any drama.
Click to expand...
Well, you’ve got plenty of drama now and it should be fixed before the baby comes…Congratulations, by the way 🙂
 
JMJServant said:
Thank you, Julianne - I am complaining that for weeks on end, it is impossible for me to get 15 minutes to myself. I understand she has a right to want my time, I don’t think its unreasonable for me to want to peruse a newspaper or watch a television episode. I work 10 hour days and I cannot get a break.

She changed after I proposed, and as I indicated, I was foolish enough to stay.

Of course there is cooperation. I did not say she was raping me. I said I went along with it because I didn’t want any drama.
Click to expand...
You have to watch these HTML tags ] or your quotes get messed up. 🙂

I think you guys need counseling, but I would start with your doctor and work forward from there. When you are feeling victimized, you are not going to have the right attitude in any area of your life and that can distort your thinking and actions. Get a physical, tell your doctor you hate your life and look forward to its end, and go from there. He night refer you to a counselor or he might give you a trial of anti-depressants. Follow his recommendations. Then call Catholic Charities and set up a counseling appointment. Go by yourself at first and then once you get a handle on some of these issues, you might also include your wife.

I also HIGHLY recommend this book. You can order it today and start absorbing its wisdom. Drs. Cloud and Townsend are not Catholic but they are Christian and there is incredible help within the pages of this book, for those of us who grew up being co-dependent or with few personal boundaries.
 
OP, I just want to encourage you not to give up. My DH and I had some very dark times early in our marriage and I remember feeling like you. Intensive counseling and prayer have worked miracles in our marriage–and now we can’t even imagine living without each other.

Try to remember that your wife is a human being too and she is probably doing these things out of her own insecurities and because of the poor modeling in her own life. She’s probably not just some heartless witch coming up with this stuff out of nowhere. If this is what she learned from her family then it’s no surprise that she’s repeating the past. But please give her the chance to change and please allow yourself the humility to recognize that you are probably part of the problem. It’s rarely all one-sided in these situations. The fact that you married her with such reservations is evidence that you have some of your own deep-seated faults and baggage. The good news is that you ** can** learn to help each other heal wounds instead of creating more. Please don’t give up–I will be praying for you.
 
Here is my advice.

Marriage is a sacrament. Why is it important to say that? It’s because marriage, as a sacrament, has graces that are associated with it. I am convinced that cooperating with these graces given to us in marriage is the reason that, for many people, their marriages are successful.

There have been times that I have gone to bed hurt and ready to give up, and I pray that the Lord will allow me to cooperate with the graces that He wants to give me in my sacramental marriage, and when I wake up it’s like a new day has dawned.

A lot of marriage is our own attitude. We control that. We don’t control the other person, but we can control ourselves and our response to them.
 
I feel the same too that i married the wrong person, lol…

Listen, i truly feel that you need to take action now. Meaning, go see your priest and arrange for marriage counseling now. Even though that you end up divorcing etc… you will need to establish a better communication which include respect of each other. I wouldn’t be surprise that she is simply bringing her childhood with her, many men abuse the kindness of women and maybe she is making assumption that unless she put her foot down, you will take advantage of her. What ever the situation, she feels the need to control by fear to be hurt. Do you see why a marriage counseling is crucial. You will see her from a different light and perspective and maybe fall in love with her again.

I use to be like your wife and i changed, so there is hope. Learn about women and your wife, should learn about men too. There could be so much unnecessary misunderstanding, but if you understand the other sex, it will be so useful.

Learn to set boundaries now but from a good place, the counseling will help both of you to have your needs meant.

Focus, on this little baby coming. God made his/her soul already. Go see counseling now, it is so so so important. Be fussy and even audition the people before you choose them to help you. Not all counselor are integrity but make sure to choose someone who is devoted to God.

I pray for you
 
How long have you been married?

Honestly, some of the things you describe are things I, and I imagine many other women, do. Though I don’t find fault with “everything” my husband does, I do criticize his driving when he drives too fast or tailgates, his messy habits, and if he doesn’t take a shower for a couple of days I think it’s gross. I am certain that I don’t always approach him in the most charitable way, but it’s pretty normal in marriage to get on each other’s nerves. Clearly you get on hers too- but she criticizes to your face, and you’re on an internet forum complaining about her. What does she say when you tell her that her approach bothers you?

I guess I’m having a hard time figuring out where the big problem is- she seems to have a good relationship with your family, she includes you in hers, she wants to be intimate with you, and wants to spend time with you. Is that really such a nightmare? I’m not saying everything she does is right, just that it sounds like a normal marriage where you’re figuring out how to get along. I’m sure there are things you could both work on, and maybe counseling would help.

This woman is now not only your wife but also the mother of your child. Remember that when you are driving- you have two lives in your care. Try to pick up after yourself more, and maybe she will learn to accept that it won’t always be perfect. Tell her “I’d really like to read the paper for a bit, but in a half hour let’s play a game”. These situations really are normal, and for the sake of your family someone has to take the lead and start addressing your family problems, especially before your son or daughter arrives.
 
JMJServant said:
…
Where do I go from here? I’m in a marriage where I’m not respected; my wife comes from a family of women married to weak men they look down upon, and she is following suit. …

Please pray for me. Thanks for listening.
Click to expand...
Hi JMJ,
Yes, I will definitely keep you and your growing family in my prayers.
There is a lot to be said about some of this being “normal”… to an extent. Newly married women want to feel secure in their marriage and often overcompensate by going into smothering mode. I’ve seen it happen so often, so I can at least say that there is some normalcy in that behavior.

What stood out to me, though, is your comment of “married to weak men… and she is following suit”.
ARE you a “weak man”? Do you really think that way about yourself?

Some of this is how YOU are responding to the situation. I know that, in my own personal marriage experience, I definitely had some of that initial “smothering” motivation. I really wanted to feel secure and have that “feeling” all the time. But my husband had to also defend his need to BREATHE - just a little - and that his need wasn’t a threat to our marriage. I had to HEAR THAT from him.

Right now, with this post, I’m guessing you’re probably not sending that message to your wife. She’s seeing you pull away and going into “smothering” mode even STRONGER. It becomes a vicious cycle, clearly.

So… ARE YOU WEAK?
Can you defend your needs to BREATHE without running away?
I agree, counseling may be very helpful here.
PaulinVA said:
Here is my advice.

Marriage is a sacrament. Why is it important to say that? It’s because marriage, as a sacrament, has graces that are associated with it. I am convinced that cooperating with these graces given to us in marriage is the reason that, for many people, their marriages are successful.

There have been times that I have gone to bed hurt and ready to give up, and I pray that the Lord will allow me to cooperate with the graces that He wants to give me in my sacramental marriage, and when I wake up it’s like a new day has dawned.

A lot of marriage is our own attitude. We control that. We don’t control the other person, but we can control ourselves and our response to them.
Click to expand...
👍
 
Another issue is that your wife is pregnant and hormonal and she’s going to be a different person for the next year or two. You may be surprised what she’s like when she’s no longer growing a baby or nursing a baby. There’s a reason for the term “b#tchy”–those maternal hormones do have an effect on the personality. (Actually, I may be a lot like her on a bad day, too.)

I have an in-law who sounds a bit like your wife. She’s very strong-minded, she’s an extrovert, she’s bossy, and she’s got so much energy it makes me tired. However, she has many, many positive qualities. She’s loyal, energetic, competent, domestic, and a very good mom. What are your wife’s positive qualities? It seems to me that many of the things that you see as negatives have a positive flip side.

I think you should do counseling if that’s what it takes for you to stand up stand up for yourself. Also, encourage her to see girl friends or do a book club or a stroller walking group or whatever (i.e. free time for you). She’s got way more energy than just you can deal with–figure out how to spread this valuable resource around. Figure out what is important to you and what isn’t. Say, “yes, dear,” some of the time, and stand up for yourself when it’s actually important. Do family meetings to figure out how you’re going to spend your time. Regular chores and planned activities are OK. The endless honey-do list is not OK.

When your wife says, “I need you to do XYZ!” walk her through the following process.
  1. Is this an emergency? Then drop everything and help. (Example: Capturing a large roach.)
  2. If it isn’t an emergency, have a friendly conversation and schedule when you’ll help. (Example: I’ll take out the trash after dinner. I’ll help hang pictures Saturday at 10 AM.)
Also, make time for fun. Your wife may need to get out of the house to have a good time, because she may just see work all around her when she stays home.

You’ve got a tremendous natural resource in your home. I bet she is quite the worker. She just needs to learn how to respect your feelings and have fun.
 
Yes, get counseling for sure, if not for both of you at least for yourself. I had to help my husband break his old bad communication habits and teach him healthy ones (I also had to do this for myself because I was not shown great examples of healthy relationships growing up so I sought out couples who were in healthy relationships to relearn in a fashion that honors God and respects the other). However I am not perfect. My backseat driving drives my husband CRAZY! It’s a bad habit of mine (the times I realize I am doing it I stop myself mid-sentence or mid-movement - sometimes I just point in the direction he’s suppose to go).

Like you, I work 10 hours per day and my husband is the stay-at-home parent. My “break” or downtime is my commute and my “lunch”. I am pregnant with #4 and am tired but you know what, I have very few hours with my family M-F and don’t want to waste them on “me-time” when I get home nor on the weekends. There is nothing wrong with your wife wanting to spend time with you at home. Heck, you should be happy, how many husbands and wives wished their spouse would just notice them, let alone, WANT to spend time with them. Your wife’s request is helping you to form a healthy habit when the baby is born. Tv and the newspaper are a distraction when home with the family. Do you not have a lunch break in all those 10 hours? That is when you should read the newspaper.

Now is the time to begin to form healthy family habits with your wife. Yes, going from “doing what I want” to “having to sacrifice my wants for my family” is tough, but as a man, that is what you are called to do just as a woman is called to sacrifice her very body to carry, feed, and nurture the offspring of your marriage. Neither husband nor wife has it easy, and with poor attitudes the sacrifice required seems impossible. Turn to God, ask Him to guide you. And yes, talk to a priest individually and as a couple. Also, find a few healthy couples who have been married and have had children to befriend and ask for advice and guidance.
 
BMorel said:
JMJ,

Your story is a difficult one, and yes, you are right about the counseling… you two need it. I would suggest both through the church and through a licensed marriage counselor. Enough about that.

You are certainly doing the honorable thing by staying in the marriage, but you must consider that if things don’t get better, and years down the road you have multiple children, they will grow up in the environment that you are subjected to and think it to be normal. I am not advocating divorce (trust me, I’m going through one now… it’s not the answer), but in some way you must get the maddness to stop.

For a marriage to work, there needs to be mutual respect, love, and a good balance of give/take. It sounds like this one is VERY one sided, and that makes it a recipe for disaster. You really need to explain to your wife that what she is doing is not what a marriage is. I don’t know if she is catholic or what, but she should understand that marriage is a gift from God, and she is acting in a way that degrades that gift.

I hope things get better, but you need to be prepared for a fight. If your marriage is worth saving, and I honestly believe that every one is, it will take a LOT of work on both of your parts. Hopefully she is willing to put in that work and the two of you will have many happy and blessed years ahead. I will be praying for you brother.
Click to expand...
👍 I think the above is very good advice.

I have previously married and been divorced (outside of the Church) With all my heart I wish my ex-husband and I had stuck at our marriage, even though he’d been unfaithful many times, especially when I was pregnant with his child. However we divorced and I’m not advocating that as an answer for your situation. I think for our daughter it would of been best if we remained married. However he left us when she was 10 months old, she’s now 21 and tells me she’s glad we divorced as she had a happy life just us two ~ but I still wish I’d tried harder.

It might seem like the best thing to you, a bit like the grass is greener. You fell in love with your wife once, and with help you could both be happy in your marriage. Marriage is hard work but with the right councelling/support you could turn it around. You need to be honest with your wife and honest with yourself. I remarried 7 years ago and hope to always be married until death do us part.

Dont worry most marriages have problems but the sucess of a good marriage is communication and working at it. I hope getting it off your chest helped, and I wish you well. Once your baby arrives I’m sure you’ll be so in love with him/her/them! that working at your marriage will make you and your wife happy.

Good luck I’ll pray for you.
 
My friend, it pains me to hear this.

Have you mentioned your heartfelt anguish to her?

If she cannot respect you, she should wake up to herself. A wife is only as respectable as her husband, as a husband is only as respectable as his wife.

Don’t be a weak man, fight for your marriage. You might not feel like you love her that much now but through God’s grace amazing things can happen.

Others have posted great advice. All I can add is that you make yourself known to her as her husband. Tell her straight: will she love and respect you? If not, she should seriously consider what marriage means - and that will mean some form of counselling.

God be with you both, and your child.
 
let me recommend a book: “We Can Work it Out” by Clifford Notarius. Bottom line: If you want to change your marriage, the change has to start with you. I’m not saying you are at fault. What I am saying is that since you cannot make someone else do this or that, you have to take positive steps that will cause the other person to respond to your change. This is much too complex to talk about in a forum. But do get the book. The main thing my wife and I learned was the concept of a “deposit” (like a bank account) Each good thing you do for the other is a deposit. Bad things are a withdrawal. Here’s the catch: one “zinger” wipes out 10 deposits.
Even if you cannot save your marriage, the book will help you become a better person if you take its advice to heart…
 
I like the Catholic concept of marriage. Christ is the center, and it is so important couples pray together before night to Christ. Christ helps the couple come to see that He is in each person and that over time, each begins to discover Christ present in each other.

I can only add to see what praying together a little every night before sleep might help. Christ is the bonding agent, the One who gives us a new look at life and those next to us.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top