I may have slept with my partner's childhood friend

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Miss_Starlight

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Hey Everyone,

I need your help!

I’ve changed certain details for anonymity.

Background

I’m a cradle Catholic who fell away from the Church as soon as I become independent & I’ve led a pretty secular life until recently.

4 years ago I moved to Canada from the UK with my then Fiancé, we’d just got engaged & everything was perfect until I found out he’d been cheating on me, I ended the relationship straight away but needless to say I was devastated.

6 months prior, an Irish guy from Cork called Steve started work at my company, we would chat occasionally but as we were in different departments this wasn’t very often. About 2 weeks after my break up, I ran into Steve & he asked if I was okay as he’d heard about my break up, he said he knew what I was going through as he had also just broken up with his fiancée of 6 years as she had cheated on him too. Long story short, Steve & I became close really quickly & it wasn’t long before we were sleeping together & over the next 10 months we developed strong feelings for each other. Steve really helped me get through a really dark time in my life & was there for me when I was at my lowest.

Steve is also a cradle Catholic who fell away from the Church however he retained more of his faith than I did & was more a cafeteria Catholic rather than completely secular like I was. This is going to sound strange because we were doing a number of things “wrong” like sleeping together but he definitely helped me rediscover my faith & his influence definitely put me back on the path to the Church.

At this point, I was due to move back to the UK as my visa was ending & we decided it would be best to part as friends. We spent one last amazing night together, said our goodbyes & I headed home. Not long after, I found out I was pregnant but suffered a miscarriage just days later so I decided not to tell Steve as I didn’t want to cause him any upset.

Current Problem

About a year ago, I met my current partner who is from Dublin, Ireland (this is relevant) at a Church meeting & we hit it off straight away, we were both rediscovering our faith & we became a couple. This time round, we made an effort to do things differently & to have a traditional catholic courtship (we’re celibate etc.) Early on we decided not to have a conversation about previous relationships so he knows nothing about Steve or my pregnancy.

Things have been going really well & my partner asked me to visit Ireland to meet his extended family. I assumed we were going to Dublin until I saw him looking up flights to Cork (the city Steve is from), it turns out he grew up in Cork & moved to Dublin when he was 14. My partner has told me about his childhood including several anecdotes about his best friend Stephen though I had assumed these stories had taken place in Dublin so I didn’t think much of it.

Today my partner said he can’t wait for me to meet Stephen as he’ll be back in Cork after travelling, I asked where Stephen had been & he said Canada! At this point alarm bells are ringing & after some digging, I think my Steve & his Stephen are the same person!

What on earth do I do now? Please help me, I’m freaking out!
 
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I think you need to gently ask your current Steve, more particulars about Stephen. Then go from there. You might be worrying about nothing; after all,Stephen/Steven is a relatively common name.

No, you don’t have to say a thing, but if they do know each other, you’ll live in fear of the truth coming out a some point down the road.

If it turns out that your fears are correct, you need to consider telling your current Steve, about your relationship with the former. You don’t need to say anything about the failed pregnancy (unless it has a concrete bearing on your future), but the fact that you had a relationship with the former, is important. If I were your current partner, I would want to know. I’d rather find out from you than from him. It may not work out as you want, but speaking from a male point of view, I would realize that I had been told the truth rather than an attempt at being mislead or lied to by omission. After all, you don’t know what the former Stephen will tell his friend, the current Steve at some point in the future. IMO, honesty is the best policy in this case. Your current partner may be an understanding and forgiving person. I’d say give him and yourself a chance to find out.
Good luck!
 
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I agree. Come clean to your boyfriend and do a General Confession. I’ve had numerous coworkers who’ve been in your situation. Unfortunately, this is a result of way too many partners.
 
@joeybaggz34m thank you for your kind reply
joeybaggz said:
You might be worrying about nothing; after all,Stephen/Steven is a relatively common name.
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I have asked my current partner about his friend & it turns out that Steve & Stephen have the same last name, are the same age, both went to Canada after breaking up with their fiancées because she cheated & are both from the same small city in Ireland so I’m pretty sure that Steve & Stephen are the same person unfortunately.
joeybaggz said:
IMO, honesty is the best policy in this case. Your current partner may be an understanding and forgiving person
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You’re right, I am going to have to tell him & I’m just going to have to brace myself for the possibility that it may well end our relationship.

You mention my partner being forgiving though, from a male’s point of view, do you think I need forgiveness from him? This happened when I was single & years before I had even met him. I also never deliberately kept anything from him either, to give more background, my partner had also been away from the Church for a number of years & in that time had many sexual partners. When we first got together, I was willing to have a discussion about previous relationships however HE said he didn’t want to discuss it & said we were different people then & should leave the past in the past & make a fresh start together.

@(name removed by moderator), I don’t know if you read my first post fully (it is long I know) but as I said, my relationship with Steve happened whilst I was away from the Church & I have since returned partly because of him, I have confessed my past sins & I am trying my best to now live my life according to Church teachings. I actually met my current partner in a church meeting for returning Catholics & we are conducting our relationship in a Catholic manner.

I also don’t think I am bouncing from one person to the next, I am 31 years old & have had 3 relationships, my first relationship was 8 years long & we were engaged until he cheated on me, I honestly thought we would be together forever & the other 2 I have detailed above. There was also a year & a half between my relationship with Steve & my current partner, I was single that entire time & used that period to work on my faith & find myself again with the help of the Church. I have only ever had 2 sexual partners
 
Cruciferi said:
I agree. Come clean to your boyfriend and do a General Confession. I’ve had numerous coworkers who’ve been in your situation. Unfortunately, this is a result of way too many partners.
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Thank you, I already confessed these sins a year & a half ago & continue to work on my faith & live my life accordance to church teachings with the help of my priest.

Also just to clarify, I have had 3 relationships & 2 sexual partners:
  1. Fiancé - my first boyfriend who I was with for 8 years, I believed we would be together forever until he cheated
  2. Steve - 10 month relationship as detailed above
  3. My current partner - we met after I had returned to the Church & had spent the previous year & a half single & working on faith. We conduct our relationship in accordance with the Church (we are celibate, do not put ourselves in temptations way etc.)
 
Thank you for your kind words & prays, I truly do appreciate it. I have made mistakes in my life but am thankful that I have found my way back to God & with his help, I will face the consequences of those mistakes.

You are all right, I must tell my partner everything. Should I also contact Steve though & tell him about this? He has no idea that I’m in a relationship with his childhood friend so he is in for quite a shock too. Whatever happens this is going to impact their friendship so should I give him a heads up?
 
“Small world, but, I think I dated your friend blah blah years ago”.

No big deal, no need to go into ANY gory details. You confessed it, it was forgiven, it is in the past.
 
Miss_Starlight said:
You mention my partner being forgiving though, from a male’s point of view, do you think I need forgiveness from him? This happened when I was single & years before I had even met him. I also never deliberately kept anything from him either, to give more background, my partner had also been away from the Church for a number of years & in that time had many sexual partners. When we first got together, I was willing to have a discussion about previous relationships however HE said he didn’t want to discuss it & said we were different people then & should leave the past in the past & make a fresh start together.
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From my POV (and I don’t pretend to speak for all men), NO, you don’t need forgiveness from him. Your past is your past, and it seems the only bearing it has on the present (excepting the thing about the former Steve) is that it has shown to you what a good, honest, and proper relationship entails. You have done no harm to your present partner, no forgiveness is necessary when you have not harmed anyone. And, if the man you are currently with has any mature understanding of relationships in this modern day society, he will understand that since he won’t condemn you, there is no reason for forgiveness.
A couple of thoughts. When one has engaged in intimate relationships that have failed, one can never really regain one’s innocence. One can however regain one’s dignity. It sounds like you are trying to do that by living in accordance with the Church’s teaching on right relationships.
As to your current relationship, this may not be my business and don’t feel you need to respond in any way, but might I suggest that you and your current Stephen refrain from engaging in an intimate relationship, at least until you have decided that you are right for each others for a lifetime relationship. Remember, healthy adults understand that all the good qualities about their partner are shared with others, (love, respect, trust, sense of humor, etc. etc.) but the only thing you can give the other on a mutually exclusive basis, is yourself in the most intimate way. Doing this will reclaim that dignity that you are searching for.
I wish you happiness and peace. (Something you will find in the Catholic Church and its sacraments.)
A prayer said for you and your relationship.
Shalom
 
TheLittleLady said:
Small world, but, I think I dated your friend blah blah years ago”.

No big deal, no need to go into ANY gory details. You confessed it, it was forgiven, it is in the past.
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@TheLittleLady I think this is exactly what I’m going to say & will then see what happens, my partner has never wanted to discuss previous relationships so I’m hoping he won’t push for exact details but if he does, I guess I’ll have to come clean. Steve doesn’t know about my miscarriage though & this is something he needs to hear from me so I guess I’m going to have to have a conversation with him too.

@joeybaggz thank you for your detailed reply, I really appreciate it & my current partner & I are celebate, we have decided we want to wait till marriage
 
Why would you need to discuss the miscarriage with your previous partner?
 
JetteZ said:
Why would you need to discuss the miscarriage with your previous partner?
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Well unfortunately I didn’t realize the extent of the friendship between Steve & my current partner, initially I thought Steve was an old childhood friend but it seems they have a continuing friendship & run in the same social circle.

Basically I have always known that my partner is part of a group of guys who have been friends since they were 5 years old. As they grew up, they all moved to different cities but still get together regularly in their hometown 5-6 times a year for things like birthdays & every year they go on a one week holiday together somewhere in Europe with their respective partners, last year I hadn’t been with my partner that long so i didn’t go but this year I’m due to attend. Anyway, it turns out that Steve is actually a member of this group but as he’s been in Canada these past few years, has been missing from these events which is why he’s only ever been mentioned to me in passing. I assume once he’s back though he will be part of the group again as my partner & the other guys are organizing a welcome back party.

Anyway, if my partner does push for “all the gory details” & I end up telling him about my miscarriage then I run the risk of him telling Steve (especially if he becomes angry) & I don’t think it’s fair that Steve hears about it from anyone other than me
 
Frankly, its irrelevant who you slept with. Sleeping with anyone if you are not married is a sin of grave matter.
 
thistle said:
Frankly, its irrelevant who you slept with. Sleeping with anyone if you are not married is a sin of grave matter.
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I disagree, whilst who I slept with doesn’t change the sin I committed, it does now impact my partner & his friendships in a way that it just didn’t before. My partner already knows that I have had sexual partners in the past (just like he has) & we agreed to leave the past in the past & move on together however this may now change how he feels so it’s highly relevant.
 
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Maybe it’s not necessary to bring up the miscarriage. I do believe you have said Steve didn’t know and so is there really a need to bring it up to either man?
 
MaryT777 said:
Maybe it’s not necessary to bring up the miscarriage. I do believe you have said Steve didn’t know and so is there really a need to bring it up to either man?
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@MaryT777 would that be lying by omission though?

The miscarriage was a very painful time in my life & even though the circumstances of the pregnancy were far from ideal, I very much wanted my baby from the moment I found out I was pregnant, the amount of grief I felt was unreal considering there were only 3 days between finding out I was pregnant & miscarrying.

Not telling either man would probably be the kindest thing to do but I’m worried I would be keeping quiet for my own cowardly reasons rather than altruistic ones.

Is a lie of omission a sin?
 
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Lying by omission is when you leave out facts to misrepresent reality or to continue the previous misrepresentation. That hasn’t happened as you both agreed to not share information about prior relationships.

Just as you could keep quiet for selfish reasons; you could talk for selfish reasons, too. If you share with either of them you get to release the burden of what has been your private pain. You will need to do some serious soul-searching as to your motives for sharing and to only do as much as is needed for them.

Assuming you want to get married and have children you will likely need to share your miscarriage with whoever will be your husband. You may experience more fear than typical with those future pregnancies and a husband who understands why would be a great source of comfort. That, to me, seems like a different conversation from this one but really you are the only one that understands the dynamics of your relationship and what is appropriate.
 
As a woman, as a mom, who has been around the sun quite a few times, miscarriage is something that does stay with you. Because things that happen may bring that loss to the surface, the anniversary of the loss, birth of children, once you are seriously preparing for marriage it might be good to say “you know, I have lost one child to miscarriage”.

Again, no need to go into details of exactly who was the father, what year it took place, etc. Honestly, a loving husband would not press you for details about such a painful loss. He will simply want to comfort you and share your sorrow and join you in praying for the repose of that soul.
 
Also, pregnancy after miscarriage sometimes is physically more complicated and often emotionally more complicated.

Also, I remember having to disclose how many pregnancies I had when I would see the OB.
 
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