I need advice about my daughter

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msmandi29

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I have a 19 year old daughter who just came into the Church this past Easter. She has been dating this guy who claims that he “believes in God, but doesn’t like him very much”. He’s been a horrible influence on my daughter. Unfortunately though, I cannot get through to her that this is a bad relationship. She has made plans to marry him and doesn’t care that he doesn’t share her beliefs. Personally I couldn’t imagine going through life without my spouse as a spiritual help to me, so I have a hard time talking with her rationally about the subject. I really need help, or I’m afraid she will eventually marry this person and end up divorced and leaving the Church.

Thanks in advance for any guidance.
 
There isn’t much you CAN do except pray… she is 19 years old.

The one thing you definitely SHOULDN’T do though, is behave in a way that will just push them both away from you. You have to be very careful not to become the enemy.
 
I am definitely trying my best to do that Deborah. It’s so hard because what I really want to do is jump up and down and scream every time she says his name. (lol) I’ve managed to keep my comments to a minimum. The problem is though that I can’t talk to her about it at all. If I bring it up, she gets EXTREMELY defensive and shuts me out. 😦

Thanks for replying. I needed a reminder to keep my cool. 🙂
 
msmandi29 said:
I am definitely trying my best to do that Deborah. It’s so hard because what I really want to do is jump up and down and scream every time she says his name. (lol) I’ve managed to keep my comments to a minimum. The problem is though that I can’t talk to her about it at all. If I bring it up, she gets EXTREMELY defensive and shuts me out. 😦

Thanks for replying. I needed a reminder to keep my cool. 🙂
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I understand your concern to want your daughter to marry a wonderful, church going Christian man… and that would be the ideal, of course.

But just because he is currently not a religious person, doesn’t mean he won’t make a good husband and father. Have you tried looking at the positives in him? Is he loving and respectful towards your daughter? Does he have a good head on his shoulders? Is he serious about his future? Is he a hard worker?

Those can sometimes be more important questions to be asking than his religious status.
 
Oh how I wish he were! He doesn’t have a job, doesn’t have a car or know how to drive, and no he doesn’t respect her at all. 😦 He encourages her to do things she shouldn’t, and to disrespect me and her father. If he were at least a halfway decent man, I wouldn’t be so concerned, but this boy has no redeeming qualities that I’ve found yet. And I do try to find the best in everyone.
 
Oh boy. 😦

Well I’m really sorry you’re going through this, but again, the wost thing you can possibly do is push her further away from you.

Looks like you have no choice but to let her go and let her learn from her mistakes on her own. Just don’t stop praying!
 
Are they engaged/planning to get engaged very soon? Is your daughter motivated to go to college/university? Do all of her peers have boyfriends/girlfriends? Do those boyfriends treat their girlfriends well? Is this her first time dating? Does she recognize he has problems and thinks she can rescue him from them?

Maybe she doesn’t realize that nicer guys exist and that they would be interested in her. I’m also thinking maybe being rebellious towards you is part of the attraction towards him, so if you are going to try to get her to set her sights higher (as well she should), you have to do it very subtly. (Don’t invite a nice boy over for dinner with her or buy her a suscription to a Catholic dating site, lol. That would have most likely have the opposite of the intended effect!) However, I think there are other ways to get her to witness more positive peer relationships and not tie up all her options and affections in this one guy. The key is, you might have to get her to see it herself without you telling her specifically how awful he is. Otherwise, it will likely become an “us against them” experience (think Romeo and Juliet), which tends to add even more romantic appeal to the emotional committment in a teen’s mind. Also, the sooner this is done, the better, because as time goes on, she is LESS likely to leave this unhealthy relationship, mainly because of emotional attachment, physical attraction, and general relationship inertia.

In addition to this, I would suggest working on your/the family’s relationship with her. Just enjoy being together, and have fun! Maybe go away on a family vacation to give her more time away from him, and more positive interaction with all of you. I hope she comes to her senses or he does a complete 360!
 
msmandi29 said:
Oh how I wish he were! He doesn’t have a job, doesn’t have a car or know how to drive, and no he doesn’t respect her at all. 😦 He encourages her to do things she shouldn’t, and to disrespect me and her father. If he were at least a halfway decent man, I wouldn’t be so concerned, but this boy has no redeeming qualities that I’ve found yet. And I do try to find the best in everyone.
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As long as they are not married yet… there is hope that she will see sense… you are doing all you can… I pray that she will see the truth and end this relationship… She is young and there are good people out there … I will pray the Divine Mercy for her … But have hope … Pray to St Joseph he will help you… As spouce of the Virgin Mary and stepfather to Jesus there is no one better to assist you in this trial.

:signofcross::blessyou:
 
msmandi29 said:
Oh how I wish he were! He doesn’t have a job, doesn’t have a car or know how to drive, and no he doesn’t respect her at all. 😦 He encourages her to do things she shouldn’t, and to disrespect me and her father. If he were at least a halfway decent man, I wouldn’t be so concerned, but this boy has no redeeming qualities that I’ve found yet. And I do try to find the best in everyone.
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Allow me to vent for you since “you try to find the best in everyone.”: I don’t get it! I don’t get how a young woman can throw her life away on someone who is a LOSER!!! This is 2012 and as a young woman she can have the world before her. It sickens and angers me that time and time again women do this over and over to themselves. And yes, I do mean** to themselves** – as disgusting and lazy the men are, remember the Dear Abby maxim: *“No one can take advantage of you without YOUR permission!”
*

I will pray you, your daughter, and yes, even the boyfriend:D
 
Sadly, sometimes disapproval and concern drives the young adults to be more confirmed in their position.
My prayers for your daughter and you, and for this young man.
It’s really hard sometimes for us parents when our children become attached to someone whom we fear will cause unhappiness, difficulty, and loss.
 
Perhaps you can convince her to get a degree first? That would be 3-4 years away, and by then she will hopefully have seen the light on this guy (or he will improve).
 
I can certainly feel your fear and frustration.

However, I think all you can do is pray and be civil no matter how much of a mistake she is likely making, only God has true control.

We all look back in hindsight and wish we had listened to our parents on at least on important occasion in our lives, but at the time many of us thought we knew best.

Not to alarm you, but I just pray that she is not like so many today that get married, have children and then realize the terrible mistake they made.

Chances are at this age it will not last, at 19 or so I would think; and perhaps he will go running at the thought of getting married and having to really be responsible at such a young age.

You are in my prayers.

God Bless you!
 
Debora123 said:
There isn’t much you CAN do except pray… she is 19 years old.

The one thing you definitely SHOULDN’T do though, is behave in a way that will just push them both away from you. You have to be very careful not to become the enemy.
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+1. Big fan of keeping the perfect from being the enemy of the good 🙂
 
msmandi29 said:
Oh how I wish he were! He doesn’t have a job, doesn’t have a car or know how to drive, and no he doesn’t respect her at all. 😦 He encourages her to do things she shouldn’t, and to disrespect me and her father. If he were at least a halfway decent man, I wouldn’t be so concerned, but this boy has no redeeming qualities that I’ve found yet. And I do try to find the best in everyone.
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I’ll keep your daughter (so she can a) stand up to him b) make the right decision regarding the whole thing c) flash reality before her eyes) in my prayers, as well as her boyfriend (so God can steer him rightly).
 
Praying also. What is your daughter doing? Is she working at all? Going to school? Community college? Encourage her to do positive things for herself without ever mentioning the boyfriend.

The busier she is and the more she improves her own situation, the worse he will look. What are her girlfriends from high school up to? If any of them have nice jobs, interesting school prospects, etc. encourage her to spend time with them. Perhaps she’ll meet other men through them.

You also say that he doesn’t have a car and can’t drive. If she’s busy with work or school, they will have less opportunity to see each other since he can’t get around on his own.

Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati, pray for us.
 
msmandi29 said:
I have a 19 year old daughter who just came into the Church this past Easter. She has been dating this guy who claims that he “believes in God, but doesn’t like him very much”. He’s been a horrible influence on my daughter. Unfortunately though, I cannot get through to her that this is a bad relationship. She has made plans to marry him and doesn’t care that he doesn’t share her beliefs. Personally I couldn’t imagine going through life without my spouse as a spiritual help to me, so I have a hard time talking with her rationally about the subject. I really need help, or I’m afraid she will eventually marry this person and end up divorced and leaving the Church.

Thanks in advance for any guidance.
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I would include him in family meals and outings, even though this will be distasteful to you. This will give your daughter a chance to compare what her boyfriend will be like if she marries him. The contrast may be bad enough that criticism from you will not be necessary. It’s worth a try. Good luck and God bless.
 
I heard some very good advice from my mom when I was little and it has stuck with me. She always said, “If something happened to you, would that person raise your children properly?” I think that is the way to measure a relationship.

Ask your daughter if she thinks this man would raise their children properly (the way she would want them raised) if something ever happened to her. Would they grow up in her faith if she was gone? Would they be taught the right beliefs and ethics if she was gone?

When I started to take this advice seriously I found my husband. I know that if we have kids and something happens to me he will teach them right from wrong, raise them in the Church, and instill good values in them. That kind of knowledge is very comforting.
 
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