I need advice about my marriage. Long

[PeterMuz]

Still praying for you both!

 

[ryecroft]

Hi All,

Thanks for the wonderful responses! I do pray a Rosary a day for God’s Will to be done, and another one for us to accept God’s Will. Even if it’s so hard right now. My husband and I were married in the Church and as was required, participated in the Pre Cana process. This included extensive counseling and several group sessions with the other couples who were getting married around the same time as us. We were also given a sponsor couple to go to if we needed any guidance or had any questions. We went to them for a few things in the beginning, but maybe it’s time to call them again.

The other thing I would ask is would it not be more beneficial to talk to a priest of our parish rather than some counselor who does not know us and our situation? Either way, I’m not sure my husband would go.

I pray on a daily basis, although I know I should try to get my husband to pray with me. He does go to Mass with me, but he does not discuss his beliefs or spirituality with me at all. I make assumptions about what I think he feels or believes, and I ask him on occasion, but he just shrugs and changes the subject. I don’t know if my prayers alone are enough, but right now it’s all I can do. I am a work in progress on praying daily and spirituality. To be honest, it feels odd and akward to me since I was brought up by an avowed cynic. This is who we are living with now.

Our living situation is tough to say the least, but we need to look at it from an attitude of gratitude. We have a safe, comfortable place to stay as long as we need to. That’s a blessing. So many people don’t have that.

I know that I for one look to our daughter for the reason to keep trying. We’ve even discussed moving to another county or state to find work, which would be very painful for me since I’ve never lived more than a mile away from my parents. Is that pathetic or what?!

Thank you so much for your prayers, support, and advice. Has anybody seen the movie Fireproof or done the Love Dare? I would like your feedback on that if you have any. I have a copy of the Five Love Languages that I will start when I’m done with the book I’m currently reading.

Yours In His Love,

Hope

You mentioned the BIL and SIL - I bet that if you guys asked him they might be able to help you guys find a job. I believe your BIL is in a technical field so I bet if you husband tried to get in touch that the BIL might be able to pull some strings and see if he could help him find something. If I’m completely off, I understand.
God Bless
Rye

 

[HopeInChrist]

*You mentioned the BIL and SIL - I bet that if you guys asked him they might be able to help you guys find a job. I believe your BIL is in a technical field so I bet if you husband tried to get in touch that the BIL might be able to pull some strings and see if he could help him find something. If I’m completely off, I understand.
God Bless
Rye *

I did what?? My BIL and SIL moved away a long time ago, and don’t speak to us. Thanks for the advice,though.

 

[Catherine_W]

Prayers for you and your family.

I don’t really have advice. Just a thought - you could kindly remind your husband that the alcohol he is turning to, not only could lead to all kinds of trouble if it becomes abused, it also is a completely unnecessary expense.

 

[Huiou_Theou]

Hi Huiou Theou,

Of course, you’re right. I am more antagonistic to my husband than I should be. I also have a very unusual relationship with my mother…

And now this week is Thanksgiving, one of the times which can be the hardest when things are difficult.

You’re still in my prayers, and I thought to pass something along.
You are far too similar to my situation a few years ago for me to involve myself in a deep discussion right now. But one thing I asked my wife to do for me, was to spend some time thinking of the good times we had in the past, and just write me a list of them. She balked at it, and derided me, but finally one day she sat down and did it – she was determined to write down just one page; The walks we took in the park; going to picnics in scenic areas; removing the dead fish from the fish bowl – when she couldn’t bring herself to do it… etc. It surprised her what she remembered once she set her mind to it; and it helped me when few other things did. Perhaps you might think of a thanksgiving list for your husband as well.

As far as listening to my husband, I probably wait to speak instead of listen. I’m usually formulating my response to whatever I think he’ll say next, (or anybody for that matter), and probably don’t hear him as well as I should. I have been and still am a very self centered person. I am working on that, but I’m not there yet.

I can believe you; I wish I had something wise to say on how to make that go quicker – but it never has with my wife, and I simply pray you DO overcome the truly selfish things – but NOT make a martyr of yourself in your own mind by doing acts you expect your husband to notice; or even which you don’t care if he does.
Anger finds a way to exploit that kind of charity.

I will reflect on what you’ve said, and truly take it to heart. I will also read For Women Only.

Please pray for me that Our Lord opens my heart and mind to be a bettter wife and mother.

-Hope

Of Course, and I will do so again,
–Your brother in Christ, Andrew.

 

[HopeInChrist]

Huiou Theou,

I’m sorry to hear that you had to go through this, too. I really like the idea of making a list of all of the good things that have happened since we’ve been married. I’m a writer by nature, so that’s a good way for me to tell him how I feel. As far as being selfish, it’s at least good that I know that’s in my personality. I work on it every day, but being raised an only (bratty) child, it’s hard for me to break out of the “Me Me Mes”. I will work on a gift for my husband of a Thanksgiving card with a love letter in it. Maybe it will give him something to smile about for a while.

You are a great help and a great support, brother Andrew, and I really appreciate your honesty and advice. Please let me know if you think of anything else that might help me save my husband and my marriage.

In His Love,

-Hope

 

[HopeInChrist]

Hi all,

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. There has been some improvement in my husband’s demeanor this week and I hope that it’s due to my prayers and love. I love my husband with all of my heart, and like I said in a previous post, I hate society’s quick to divorce response to every marriage problem. I take my vows VERY seriously and want nothing more than to be a good wife and mother. I plan to be married to this man for a very long time, so I guess we’ve still got a lot of work ahead of us.

We did sit down last night and discuss the money issue and we both discussed being more vigilant in watching our spending. So that’s one more stress hopefully off of my DH.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

In His Love,

Hope

 

[Convert_in_99]

I sent you a private message :hug3:

 

[HopeInChrist]

Convert99,

Got it!

-Hope

 

[PeterMuz]

Hope,

I’m glad to hear that things are getting better. Keep praying! God does wonderful things when we trust him. I agree, societies quick fix divorce does is a bad bad idea.

I do have one suggestion regarding budgeting. My wife and I keep track of our monthly budget and expenses on Google Docs. With google docs you can basically keep an excel spread sheet online, where it is password protected of course, and it updates with real time.

We have this a sheet with these items where we can tract and subtract from our budget the following items in a row and you subtract out expenses under each item:
Tithe, Savings, Rent, Utilities, Food, Transportation, Entertainment, etc.

This helps because you see how much you spent and try to make sure all your budgets work out. This may take a few months to get down.

Then we have another sheet that look something like this. To the right of these items we have:

Each “Paycheck: DATE” is a new column. $AAA is the amount of one paycheck and $BBB is the next. All the expenses and debts are in column 1, Paycheck DATE and $AAA in Column 2, and Paycheck DATE and $BBB are in column 3. We carry this out for one month, then start over.

                                           Paycheck: DATE                                         Paycheck: DATE

Income $AAA $BBB
Expense: Student Loan (1st)
Expense: Car Payment (around 9th)
Expense: Credit Card 1 (18th)
Expense: Car Insurance (1st)
Expense: Credit Card 2 (2nd)
Expense:
Expense: Cell Phone
Expense: Lauren’s Credit One CC (10th)
Expense: student loan interest

   Tithe

Savings
Rent
Utilities
Food
Transportation
Clothing
Medical/Health
Personal Allowance
Recreation
Debts
TOTAL:

I get paid by-weekly, so where you see DATE, that is every other Friday. Under each date, we list how much money out of each paycheck is going to each debt/expense.
These things just help visualize where you money is going. You can prioritize things, especially debts, pay things accordingly.

Hope this helps and I hope it is clear. Glad to hear things are better. I will keep praying.