I need advice from some very wise people

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Lucky_Scrunchy

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Will try to put this in a nutshell:

My sister bought my father’s house seven years ago and added onto it a luxury apartment for my father to live. She was my father’s caregiver. I was not able to participate in much of the caregiving due to the fact I live far away and I work too. I tried to go down for most of his surgeries.

My father passed away about 1 & 1/2 years ago. My BIL, now uses my dad’s old office for HIS office.

Fast forward to the present. My uncle by marriage is dying of pancreatic cancer. His wife, our maternal aunt, is not taking it well. She has gone into none functioning mode, crying non-stop. She has put a huge burden on my sister. Because she is not functioning, my aunt has basically handed the reigns over to my sister to be my uncle’s medical advocate. My sister already has so many responsibilites and this situation is really taking a toll on her. She is trying so hard to be christian but its so hard. And to make matters worse, she is now saying that she wants to live in my sister’s “apartment” after our uncle passes away.

I have to add that my aunt drives my sister crazy.

I’m up here feeling so helpless, yet again. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what advice to tell her. She doesn’t want my aunt to live there, but she feels so guilty about saying “no”. She has flat out told me that if she were to move in, her marriage would be in trouble.

Any advice would be appreciated.
 
Your sister has the right to say no to this situation. In fact, I would suggest looking up agencies that would give the help that your sister is doing. Or at least could do some of the stuff. If your aunt is resistent to this, too bad. Your sister can’t do it all. And she needs to get this through to your aunt. If necessary, go to where they live, and back up your sister here. Family is family, but that doesn’t give anyone the right to mooch off of someone. It’s time your aunt takes on some of the responsibility.
 
Thank you for your post. I was actually thinking today if there were “advocates” for hire. I wouldn’t even know where to look for them.
 
Your sister not only has a right to say “no”, but if she thinks that her aunt might threaten the health of her marriage, she has an obligation to say “no”.

When your aunt says she wants to move in, your sister can say, “Aunt Sally, that will not work out. It was very hard with my own dad; you have no idea. But let’s cross that bridge when we come to it, because you have plenty on your plate right now.”

Your sister does not owe an explanation about why not. She does not have to protest when her aunt starts make not-very-nice conjectures about why she’s not doing it, or tries to buy her tickets for some other guilt trip. That will accomplish nothing. Tell her not to go there. She will do far better to just repeat, “Aunt Sally, don’t be like that. It is not an option for you to come live with us. I’m not going to do it. We’ll find you something else when the time comes, but you’re not going to talk me into that.” Any family member or family friend that does not like it can invite Aunt Sally to live with them.

You can help your sister greatly by inviting her to call you when the glossy brochures for the guilt trips start coming her way. You can encourage her that protecting her marriage is the right priority, and nothing to feel guilty about whatsoever. Remind her that she would not do this to your aunt or anyone else, your aunt does have other options, your aunt is very upset and whatever she says shouldn’t be held against her, and that protecting your sister’s marriage and her minimal health requirements has to remain a priority. If she doesn’t want to admit that she has to take care of her own basic needs, then remind her that she cannot choose to make her husband miserable and deny him his needs and rights in order to give your aunt what your aunt wants.
 
Not being able to help is probably a great burden for you,it would be for me. Given our highly technical world there are ways to pitch in that could help your sister a little. First, everyone needs a reliable, caring advocate when they are as seriously ill as your uncle. If possible your sister should continue to act in this manner for him. Each hospitalization or rehab stay he will have a social worker who your sister can speak to on the phone when needed. I spent most of last summer doing this from over an hour away from where my Dad lived after a serious fall with hospitalizations and rehab stays. Second, you can take to the phone and do the talking with your aunt for your sister, there is also email, Skype, FaceTime,etc. if you work as a team you have each other for support. I will pray for all of you.
 
I just got to thinking. Is there a Hospice in your sisters area? Or a Senior Citizen’s group? They may be able to give the care that your sister can’t.
 
Lucky_Scrunchy said:
Thank you for your post. I was actually thinking today if there were “advocates” for hire. I wouldn’t even know where to look for them.
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Send your sister this book. After she has finished reading it, she may be better able to set healthy boundaries. It is NOT her responsibility to care for your uncle even if she was the caregiver for your father. Your aunt is abdicating her own responsibility. Whether or not she is doing this on purpose is largely irrelevant. Your sister just needs to stand up and say “No, I cannot do that for you, but I will give you the phone numbers of agencies that you can call.” “No, I am sorry, but you cannot live here after your husband passes away. I will help you find suitable housing but the apartment is not available.”

The hardest part of setting boundaries is the aftermath. But she must know in her heart that she is not being cruel to your aunt. To let people intrude on such a large scale is cruel in other ways.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Always with the deepest charity, but healthy boundaries.
 
I am so grateful for all this advice. I will pass it on to her. I know that she will appreciate it too.
 
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