I need advice!

[janet224]

I have been unhappily married for 16 years. Over the years my husband has had rages and has been out of control many times over the littlest things. He grew up in an alcoholic enviroment. Both parents drank heavily. He never got the help or direction he needed. He is very immature mentally for his age. I’ve tried with him. Brought him into the church etc. His rages would include pulling phones out, punching walls, speeding up in the car with me in to scare me, pull my arm, push me, put me up against a wall and yell in my face, swear at me, etc. I’m very tiny and have a breathing condition from childhood. I am not happy and don’t think I’ll ever get over the trauma he caused me. We still live together but recently I left for 3 weeks because he hit me. Not extremely hard, but it did bother me and made me wonder what he will be capable of if I stay with him forever. I recently met someone who I deeply love. He didn’t know I was married at the time. Then he discovered I was married. A few months later he got married, but I know he was pushed into it. Well, I know we both are very much in love but we’re both married. He only had 2 hours of pre-cana and I don’t know but I heard that might not be sufficient preparation for marriage. I think he could annul and I believe I could annul because of my situtation. Do any of you have any advice. I am a practicing catholic and know what my boundaries are. Would it be wrong to pursue a new life with this other person? I can’t stop thinking of this person and I know he can’t stop thinkin of me. It’s like we were meant to meet and be together someday. I met him on Aug 15, the Annunciation. Please help me. I really love this man so much. Thanks

 

[Tomster]

I have been unhappily married for 16 years. Over the years my husband has had rages and has been out of control many times over the littlest things. He grew up in an alcoholic enviroment. Both parents drank heavily. He never got the help or direction he needed. He is very immature mentally for his age. I’ve tried with him. Brought him into the church etc. His rages would include pulling phones out, punching walls, speeding up in the car with me in to scare me, pull my arm, push me, put me up against a wall and yell in my face, swear at me, etc. I’m very tiny and have a breathing condition from childhood. I am not happy and don’t think I’ll ever get over the trauma he caused me. We still live together but recently I left for 3 weeks because he hit me. Not extremely hard, but it did bother me and made me wonder what he will be capable of if I stay with him forever. I recently met someone who I deeply love. He didn’t know I was married at the time. Then he discovered I was married. A few months later he got married, but I know he was pushed into it. Well, I know we both are very much in love but we’re both married. He only had 2 hours of pre-cana and I don’t know but I heard that might not be sufficient preparation for marriage. I think he could annul and I believe I could annul because of my situtation. Do any of you have any advice. I am a practicing catholic and know what my boundaries are. Would it be wrong to pursue a new life with this other person? I can’t stop thinking of this person and I know he can’t stop thinkin of me. It’s like we were meant to meet and be together someday. I met him on Aug 15, the Annunciation. Please help me. I really love this man so much. Thanks

Just some ideas for you Janet. I would be focussing on a plan of escape if your husband decides to rough you up again. That would be primary. Check out local shelters in your area and make a plan with the administrators. Keep the trunk of your car stocked with clothing and other personal items in case you need to make a fast getaway. Your personal safety comes first. Notifiy the local police department of your situation and let them know what has been going on. Don’t be afraid of having your husband arrested if he abuses you again. It will keep him away from you for awhile and give you time to get out. Consider getting counselling, SEPARATELY, at first. If he does not want to participate, a legal separation is not a sin. Keep your attorney advised of everything.

 

[Tomster]

Sorry, I failed to mention that my wife and I will be praying for you and your husband.

 

[dulcissima]

You need to focus on your present marriage, not a fantasy. I would talk to your priest about your current situation. I would also talk to a domestic violence shelter, because chances are you are going to need a plan to safely leave your marriage. Do you have children? Their well-being should be your primary concern. You are going to need some help and should find a counselor to work with you. If you have spent 16 years in an alcoholic and abusive marriage, then YOU have a disease that needs to be treated. Believe me, I am not saying that in a judgmental way. I’ve been freed from a 17 year marriage that sounds like yours, and I’ve been spending a lot of time searching my soul and trying to make some real changes in my life. Now is not the time to pursue another relationship, as tempting as that is. I know just how needy you are right now, but this is simply not the time for you and this other man. You need to figure out what the right thing to do about your marriage is, and you really don’t need thoughts of another relationship obscuring you from doing what is right. Have some patience and trust in God. He will reveal his plan to you when the time is right, and remember it is God’s timing that is perfect, not our own.

 

[puzzleannie]

put all thoughts, daydreams and fantasies about any other man out of your head completely, that will lead to nothing but trouble.

look in the front of your phonebook or google for a crisis intervention hotline, battered woman’s center or other community group and call it. Make your escape plan, and get out now. You don’t say if you have kids, but if you do, and he abuses you he will eventually abuse them, and the scars they have from witnessing your abuse will be even worse.

Violent men do not change without intense dramatic intervention from outside, you will not change him. period. your task is survival. by all means call your pastor, Catholic Charities anyone you can to get the help you need, but get out. Later when things are settled and your life gets back on track you can pursue annulment, which would leave you free to marry someday, but that is not your concern right now–it is survival.