I need encouragement, prayers.. and maybe some gentle advice

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MarieVeronica

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Dear brothers and sisters… I’m discouraged. Maybe you can offer some words of encouragement.

Please help me to cope. Here is an example.

How do you deal with a personality… who in one moment, tells you to “Quick! Get that last parking space before someone else does!”… and in the very next moment… censures you, (quite severely) for “speeding” (I wasn’t, just stepped up a bit to get the space).

This happened yesterday, in the parking lot of our parish church (we were there for Mass). Heated words were then exchanged as I attempted to collect my nerves (which are nearly shattered… from similar “occurrences”). And I felt that my previous days Confession had then been ruined. 😦

Please pray for me. Thank you and God bless.
 
Well, here’s what I think:
  1. If this only happens when driving, then I agree with Em… let him (or her, not going to assume it’s your spouse or boyfriend) drive. I do this with two of my BILs… they are constantly passenger-seat driving (or backseat) and I refuse to listen to it anymore. If they’re riding in my car, I hand them the keys… and I tell them WHY I’m letting them drive!
  2. If this pertains to EVERYTHING, not just driving, ignore their “advice” or “orders”… do what you think is best and pay no attention to what they say. If they insist (“Didn’t you hear me? I said hurry!”) just calmly say, “I heard you… but I’M driving (or cooking or breathing or whatever)”
I have done this several times–I call it “handing the keys over”. If they start telling me how to cook, they get handed the spatula; how to clean, I hand them the dust rag; etc. I don’t get angry; I just say, “No, really, I insist, show me how YOU do it, so I’ll do it right the next time.” Chances are they’ll back off, probably get angry, but that’s okay. Unless you find a way to completely ignore them and maintain your serenity and peace of mind, one of you is going to get angry anyway. And it sounds like it’s been you for far too long!

Good luck! Prayers are with you!
 
I drive listening to Catholic radio;).
I don’t have much advise other than that at the present moment.
You are in my prayers.
 
MarieVeronica said:
Dear brothers and sisters… I’m discouraged. Maybe you can offer some words of encouragement.
Please help me to cope. Here is an example.
How do you deal with a personality… who in one moment, tells you to “Quick! Get that last parking space before someone else does!”… and in the very next moment… censures you, (quite severely) for “speeding” (I wasn’t, just stepped up a bit to get the space).
This happened yesterday, in the parking lot of our parish church (we were there for Mass). Heated words were then exchanged as I attempted to collect my nerves (which are nearly shattered… from similar “occurrences”). And I felt that my previous days Confession had then been ruined. 😦
Please pray for me. Thank you and God bless.
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What if that was Jesus who was in the other car?
That is how we are to treat everybody, every time. Jesus made this VERY clear in the bible - hold your husbands feet to the fire when he doesn’t.
 
bluerose said:
Well, here’s what I think:
  1. If this only happens when driving, then I agree with Em… let him (or her, not going to assume it’s your spouse or boyfriend) drive. I do this with two of my BILs… they are constantly passenger-seat driving (or backseat) and I refuse to listen to it anymore. If they’re riding in my car, I hand them the keys… and I tell them WHY I’m letting them drive!
  2. If this pertains to EVERYTHING, not just driving, ignore their “advice” or “orders”… do what you think is best and pay no attention to what they say. If they insist (“Didn’t you hear me? I said hurry!”) just calmly say, “I heard you… but I’M driving (or cooking or breathing or whatever)”
I have done this several times–I call it “handing the keys over”. If they start telling me how to cook, they get handed the spatula; how to clean, I hand them the dust rag; etc. I don’t get angry; I just say, “No, really, I insist, show me how YOU do it, so I’ll do it right the next time.” Chances are they’ll back off, probably get angry, but that’s okay. Unless you find a way to completely ignore them and maintain your serenity and peace of mind, one of you is going to get angry anyway. And it sounds like it’s been you for far too long!

Good luck! Prayers are with you!
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i second this! i have done this too many times and it really makes the other person back off… i was also in the car this weekend when a friend of mine was driving and the other people in the car kept criticizing him for the way he was driving… finally, on the way back, i had to tell both of them kindly to stop backseat driving… the friend is a christian and a sweetheart and kept his cool throughout… I however, just could not take it anymore and felt someone had to speak up!

i believe if you dont like something another person is doing for you, either do it yourself or shut up!
 
What helps my DH with driving is HE does the driving. Then he doesn’t have to worry about my indecisiveness and hesitations and all. 👍 Plus then I can not have to have the “burden” of driving. And with OCD driving is certainly a burden. :o
 
MarieVeronica said:
Dear brothers and sisters… I’m discouraged. Maybe you can offer some words of encouragement.

Please help me to cope. Here is an example.

How do you deal with a personality… who in one moment, tells you to “Quick! Get that last parking space before someone else does!”… and in the very next moment… censures you, (quite severely) for “speeding” (I wasn’t, just stepped up a bit to get the space).

This happened yesterday, in the parking lot of our parish church (we were there for Mass). Heated words were then exchanged as I attempted to collect my nerves (which are nearly shattered… from similar “occurrences”). And I felt that my previous days Confession had then been ruined. 😦

Please pray for me. Thank you and God bless.
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*I’m sorry, Marie…my thoughts are that sometimes, when heated words are said over what seems to be a trivial thing, like arguing over a parking spot, there is really something else bothering the person. Is this person under stress? Are you both under stress? *
 
Thank you all, very much for your kind and gentle words. They were comforting.

The other party involved is not my husband or boyfriend… but another close family member. A sibling. My sister. And she currently doesn’t drive. So I can’t turn the driving over.

The driving was just one example. I’m trying to learn to “cope” also, with various other changes within my home… since the arrival of my sister, back into our lives. Many difficult changes have been made. I wouldn’t have been able to allow this… had I not felt, internally… that it was Our Lord’s Will… that I help her. She was in a bad way, living in another state. With us, she is beginning to get her life back on track.

She is a good person. But has a very, very strong personality. Wants to do things… well… let’s just say… not my way.

Your continued prayers… that I may persevere in Christian Charity are deeply appreciated. Thank you and God bless.
 
Ah, thank you for the additional details. You and your sister will be in my prayers.
 
Hi Marie, I have come to the conclusion that some people create their own negativity.
They see life in a negative way and that is there personality.

My advise for you is when your sister gets you upset…ask" God to send her love because you can’t at that moment".

Another thing you can do is bless yourself with holy water and say a prayer for you to stay positive with your sister. You can even go to her bedroom and bless her room and bed with holy water and pray that she becomes a peaceful, happy person.

YOU CAN’T CHANGER HER! But you can pray for her and hope for the best even if she enjoys staying negative.

I have a mother and a sister who love to be mean to me with words. But I always tell them I love them and I do love them eventhough they are mean and critical of me.

It is always best not to argue with her because you can’t win. It is best just to stay quiet.

Your sister doesn’t see what you see in how to deal with life in a positive manner.

My sister is always getting getting herself in trouble with handling her money situation and then she expects others to help her out financially. She may always be that way because she choses to be that way.
My sister does distorted thinking. For example: I lend her some money and when she had money she asked me if I could wait until the first of the month to get my money back because she said she was on a budget and had already spent the money she had for the month. She now has tons of money in her bank account and I just said, “NO”, I need my money. She paid me the money and then took some money out to go on a trip to a Casino. She broke her budget plans.

I have another friend who is super sensitive and doesn’t see things the way I do. I am not perfect and I do have some major flaws in my personality. So… I am not throwing stones at her. When my friend points out my personality flaws I just stay quiet. I just say, “okay”.

Or, I say…“What did I say that was wrong?” Then she tells me a lot of stupid stuff that is not true. I just say, “Ohhh”… and I change the subject.

I know it is hard to live with your sister… but you can’t change her. Try to stay away from her as much as you can. When you need to drive her to church and she starts critizing you… just tell her…“I don’t want to hear that”. Say it over and over like a broken record.
With sisters you can be very clear on how you see things.
But with friends… it is best just to try to keep the peace and back off and drop them as friends.

SISTERS ARE FOREVER! If your sister’s personality is too toxic for you… then you need to have a serious talk with her at a later time when both of you are calm.
Plus, stay away from her as much as possible and keep your conversations short with eachother before she starts to really get mean with you. I know she hurts your feelings.
 
MarieVeronica said:
Thank you all, very much for your kind and gentle words. They were comforting.

The other party involved is not my husband or boyfriend… but another close family member. A sibling. My sister. And she currently doesn’t drive. So I can’t turn the driving over.
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Then you need to be firm with her. “Thank you, I have passed my driver’s test, and I know what I am doing. There is no need for you to give me advice every two seconds - I find it very confusing and distracting when you do that, actually.”
 
I actually do better with critical people if I make lots of self depreciating humor.

“How stupid of me! Now, I know why I’m so bad at Mariocart!”

Also, I do better if I just agree with them.

“yeah, I guess I was going too fast. Oops, good thing there weren’t any old ladies crossing just then.”

If I take it to heart and let myself get annoyed by someone’s unreasonableness, then I get resentful and I hold grudges

My sister gives me a lot of bad parenting advice. Or, she’d urge me to be stricter when in fact she’s horribly lenient as a mother. I used to get really ticked off, then I decided to agree with her. She feels better that she’s “helping” me. And, I have a little private joke with myself.

Another good spiritual practice is that if you know you will be dealing with a difficult or annoying situation with a person is to decide to offer that up before hand for a particular intention. Then, when it comes up, it’s almost a joy because you know you have a gift for Jesus.
 
what works best, may be to simply say “sorry”. even if it isn’t your fault and you’ve done nothing wrong. that may sound odd, but it has diffused many heated, angry, and tense situations between myself and my husband.

prayers for your sister, Marie. LaLucia is very right. you can’t change her, but you can pray for her. prayers for you too, as you continue to adjust, and serve her in Christ. the toughest parts about Christian life are often the most basic. God give you strength, peace, grace, and patience. and the capacity to show genuine charity and love towards your sister, too. in His power, not our own.

http://www.stpaulsirvine.org/images/cross.gif
 
Mintaka said:
You could hand her a blindfold next time she gets in your car. 🙂
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lol! Thank you, Mintaka. I needed a good laugh.

And thank you, all… for your words of wisdom. And for your solace. I appreciate it, deeply. I guess I’m having this reaction… because I’m a somewhat “nervous” personality and my sister has a very, very strong personality. I’m pretty easily “bullied”. And I’m not sure how to handle it, without upsetting our mother; and without getting upset myself.

Your suggestions are greatly appreciated. One thing I have done… is that I have found myself making the Sign of the Cross quite often, during stressful moments. I kind of “got away” from that, this week. I will go back to it. I know it will help.

God bless you, dear souls.
 
grace_singh said:
what works best, may be to simply say “sorry”. even if it isn’t your fault and you’ve done nothing wrong. that may sound odd, but it has diffused many heated, angry, and tense situations between myself and my husband.

prayers for your sister, Marie. LaLucia is very right. you can’t change her, but you can pray for her. prayers for you too, as you continue to adjust, and serve her in Christ. the toughest parts about Christian life are often the most basic. God give you strength, peace, grace, and patience. and the capacity to show genuine charity and love towards your sister, too. in His power, not our own.

http://www.stpaulsirvine.org/images/cross.gif
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grace… a special thank you, dear soul. Please pray for me… that Our good Lord will grant me the grace to act as you have suggested. This is the way a “saint” will react, in a stressful situation. So far, I have not yet been able to bring myself to do this. I need prayers. Thank you, hon. God bless you.
 
MarieVeronica said:
This is the way a “saint” will react, in a stressful situation. So far, I have not yet been able to bring myself to do this. I need prayers. Thank you, hon. God bless you.
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hey, we are all works in progress. and all saints by their nature have been sinners, and repeat offenders.

Christ give you the strength to do this… i remember one very stressful fight with my husband in the car. he tends to have a very firey, dominating personality, and i tend to break down in tears. he was yelling, fuming about something, and accusing me of some small crime i honestly did not feel myself guilty of. i was so irritated and furious, and in a moment of clarity asked the Lord what is should say to him, or do. and the answer came swiftly and simply “appologize”. i was shocked and thought “surely not, Lord! i didn’t do anything wrong!” but that was the only answer i got, so i managed after a few defiant seconds to squeak “sorry…”. and it worked. his anger kind of melted away, and we spent the rest of the drive in peace.

God works of His servants in very, very mysterious ways. the virtue of humility is rarely learned by doing easy or seemingly “just” things. and it takes practice, and many errors. sometimes i lose my cool and shout back, sometimes i don’t. God give you the strength, grace, and charity to serve your sister, and to keep turning to Him in quiet moments for guidance and rest. refuel on prayer, scripture, Mass, and when you can, Christian/Catholic radio. it helps.,

God bless you, Ma’am, and Christ keep you. http://www.rotorblog.com/wp-content/uploads/meebo-emoticons/rose.gif
 
My prayers are with you Marie. I too have taken in a struggling sibling. This is our second go around and she has been sober for over a year this time (not implying that is your sitch).

It can be difficult. My sister tends to be rather brash and not overly shy about throwing around the cuss words, even the occasional blasphemy. That, I don’t tolerate and she is quick with an apology.

Just because you are extending a helping hand does not mean you are required to accept verbal abuse. You can, and should, gently chastise your sister when she is abusive. Otherwise, how will she know?

God bless you and you family for this undertaking!👍
 
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