I Need Help....Again

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Antonius_Lupus

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Dear brethren,

I am a twenty year old college student, and a revert to the Church from Baptists, Neo-Pagans, among other things.

I have a research paper to complete, but I simply must stop and write. I need your (I am speaking collectively here) counsel, I need just to tell someone what’s going on, and you (besides the priests and my mentor) are the only one I feel I can talk to the easiest (ah, internet anonymity…)

I pray God will take pity on me for what I am going to tell you (and the act of telling you!).

I don’t know quite how to start this, and so I think I’ll just be blunt. Perhaps because of the stress I have been experiencing lately, I viewed pornography and attempted to commit a sexual sin along with this. Please forgive my frankness! Perhaps providentially, my mother decided to check on my progress in my research paper at that moment. I lied to her and said that I was “getting dressed”, and when she asked what I was looking at on my laptop, I simply said that I was trying to find a title picture for my project.

However my guilt and flustered state must have been obvious, and somehow I know my mother knew what I was doing. I can’t say what will happen next. She has said nothing about it, and she might just forget about it. However I don’t think so. I fear she will tell my father who will then begin an inquisition into my past conduct with technology. If he dedicates himself to exposing me, I will suffer grave consequences. I can only pray that God will be merciful to me. (Yeah, go ahead and laugh about the fact that I still live at home).

However this is not why I am emailing you, the aforementioned “dilemma” was bound to happen sooner or later. One cannot hide forever.

I am emailing you because I need a friend now, someone wiser than I who can help me in some way. If that’s only by listening, so be it.

I could try to justify what I just told you. It would be easy. I am a young man, fresh out of the teenage years, facing the stress of a opening world. I could say that in that stress, I have resorted to old habits to relieve myself in some way. I could say that “it’s natural…etc, etc.”

But for the first time I can remember, I have no desire to do such a thing.

You know, I have great dreams, ones that I have held since my youth. Dreams of being a David-like figure, a young man dedicated to the Law and the love of God. A seeker after God’s own heart who, like Josiah, kept unswervingly on the path. I refuse to believe such a dream is impossible.

But, I am not that man. I am a “Jekyll and Hyde”, a paradox whose life is a divided between such extremes. I am a fool, on so many levels, an embarrasment. Because it’s not like I just fell this one time…I have been falling for years! Knowing the Truth, but falling anyway.

I am shipwrecked!!!

How can I possibly live the Christian life when I have this sin? How can I have any hope when I keep turning away for something cheap and worthless. Where is MY Good-News!

I know in my mind, that there’s always hope and that God forgives. I know I can rise up again and try and that by grace I can conquer this evil!

But…I don’t know if I believe it.

I want to live the dream that I have always held, even unto the Holy Priesthood which I desire in my inmost being. But how can I do ANYTHING when I have this burden weighing me down. How can I grow when I am constantly falling down? For should I die like this, the dream will be nothing and I will always abide in eternal despair.

I want to be free from this, but at the same time, can I really say that I do? Can I really say that I am prepared to live the rest of my life without these things? What kind of priest would I be, if I am a slave to this?

I know I cannot give up. I’ve tried that before and realized that my live is worthless and empty without Christ Jesus. BUT was that just emotion?

No, I MUST believe in Christ, if I don’t there is nothing for me left. There is no hope.

I know I have to get up, but I don’t know if I want to anymore. What a hypocrite I am!

BUT I have to hold on.

Please, can you help me to come back. I feel like I need to know what the Gospel is, I mean have I really ever meditated on the meaning of the Gospel? Do I truly believe and know the heart of the “Good-News?” I have come home before, after these things, but:

“CAN I COME HOME AND STAY THERE!!”

Don’t tell me I am just young! Don’t tell me this is natural behavior! Don’t tell me to get over it! Don’t tell me it is something little!

Please don’t.

I don’t care what any young man is doing, I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS. I am supposed to love, and give, and belief, and hope! I am supposed to be a beacon! I am to be holy!

I am not a boy anymore, I am a young MAN, and I am in Christ. I want to give up on this sin and never do it again, I don’t want to ever have to repeat in the confessional this same sin again!

But after these years, particularly last year, how can I hope that anything is going to change? How can I be assurred that I won’t run away from home again?

I want to go home! I don’t want to be a slave of the Evil One… But I want to be a true believer, dedicated, bold, and FREE.

But after what’s happened, and continues to happen over and over again, I don’t know if I can do anything right now.

Can you do anything? Can you help me? I am honestly asking you the question in Acts 16:30!

Crush me if you must, break me if that’s necessary. Call me a “dramatic.” I don’t care, I am already lost now.

I just want someone to tell me SOMETHING! To tell me MY Good-News.
 
Put it at the feet of the cross, repent and accept your forgiveness and move on like it never happened, the sin has been washed from you, don’t let it hold you down.

Peace and Grace of the Lord be with you as well as his mercy, Brian
 
Just know that He is there and will forgive you. Seek penance and try real hard not to commit this sin again and like the above poster said, know your forgiven and move forward.
 
Hi there! I just want to give you a hug!!

You are feeling shame, which means you know what you did was wrong. On top of it, you had to lie to your Mom (there’s nothing wrong with living at home! I had a hard time separating from them, and eventually got to move back home to care for Mom…it’s awesome), which compounded those fears.

I would go to reconciliation. You are feeling a separation from Him, and you need to reconcile yourself with Him.

There are several threads on this matter started by young men who have struggled to stop viewing pornography, etc. Find them ,read them, and heed them.

I will add this: Your future wife would like for you to start respecting yourself and women… 🙂

Lots of love!
Peace be with you!
Heather
 
Frankly Antonius what I see in your post is a powerful prayer. This is exactly how you should talk to the Lord about this issue. Plead with Him, and Lay it on the line.

You talk of being a “David Like” person, but David was also a sinner whose lustfiul desires led him ot have a man killed so he could possess the man’s wife.
Of course David wrote an entire book of songs “psalms” that we hold dear.

You do not want sympathy but real help.
Well there is little we can do from a distance. This is a battle that you must fight largely on your own. We can and do hold you up in prayer for strength to resist.
There is a little prayer in my signature that has helped me. Try committing it to memory and repeat it often, especially at times of greater danger.

You do not want to hear that you will outgrow it. Well I wouldn’t tell you that even if I could. The truth is that we all have sexual urges. They are part of our makeup. These urges will likely stay with us forever to one degree or another.
So it isn’t so much a need to eliminate the urge, but to control it and deflect our energy into other, productive, areas.

Since you are discerning the priesthood, I strongly suggest that you print out your post and show it to your spiritual advisor and or confessor. Someone who knows you better than we and can work with you one on one.

May God give you strength.

Peace
James
 
Let this humble you 🙂 you’re right it is sinful to do, so let this be a reminder of how weak we are without God. But don’t run away from Him… remember the story of the prodigal son. (he did much worse, but he was still accepted back). Ask for forgiveness, TRUST in His mercy, and move on 🙂 it’s a humble thing to accept our sinfulness. Don’t think that because of all this, you cant serve God, or be a priest, etc. His strength is shown in our weakness…He can make anyone into a Saint. Remember St Augustine? He is greater than all our sins! God bless!
 
JRKH said:
I strongly suggest that you print out your post and show it to your spiritual advisor and or confessor. Someone who knows you better than we and can work with you one on one.

May God give you strength.

Peace
James
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this is extremely good advice. this type of temptation is here to say, all through your years. Keeping it out in the open in detail to a consistent confessor/director is really the only way to curtail the behavior. the sin is a secret one. out in the light is the only way.
 
Antonius_Lupus said:
I just want someone to tell me SOMETHING! To tell me MY Good-News.
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go to confession. now, with a priest not on the internet–way too much info for this forum–call a priest and make an appointment if there is no chaplain on campus, or go at the first available opportunity. your good news is there is no sin that can’t be forgiven and no temptation that cannot be withstood with the help of the Holy Spirit. ramp up your prayer life now. Pray when you wake, before you go to sleep, before a class, before an exam, before beginning work on your paper. Avoid whatever leads you to sin. avoid it as you would deadly toxins in your drinking water or food. if that means dumping some friends and associates and habits, do it. Do it today.

Have you been confirmed? then you have the power and gifts of the Holy Spirit to combat whatever comes your way, invoke them, ask for His help, actually ask out loud for wisdom, strength, fortitude whatever you need at the moment. He will not fail you. Not been confirmed? go to the Catholic campus ministry and find out what you need to prepare for this sacrament.

You will not make good progress in your academic life and campus life until you get your spiritual house in order.
 
First off, try to find out what is causing you so much stress that you are feeling compelled to seek some external means to remedy it. If you contend with you stress directly that should help.

And when you do identify what situations cause you to feel that stress, try to find alternative coping methods; go for a walk, pray, read a book, take a quick break to watch a short TV program, find something that works for you.

Lastly but certainly not least, remember that it is when we find ourselves in a cycle of sin that we need God the most. As hard as it may be and as bad as you must be feeling, stay close to God, go to mass, go to confession, go to prayer groups and bible study. You may not feel like it helps right away, but have faith and persist, our God is a God of timing and He’s always ready to help you if your heart is open.
 
Go to church and get to a priest.

BTW - Having a home is nothing to laugh at, but to envy nowadays.
 
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