I need help! (jewish-catholic conflicts)

  • Thread starter Thread starter sandermc
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
S

sandermc

Guest
So my fiance and I are getting married in another year. As all of our details have been coming together there has been a lot of conflict. I am a practicing Catholic and he is Jewish (doesnt do Shabat or Temple but his religion is important to him- I often have to remind him that high holidays are coming up). Before we ever became serious, about a year and a half ago, I let him know the things I needed if we were to get married and have children: marriage in a church, celebration of holidays, he would have to support me going to Mass, and our children would at the very least be Baptized and receive their First Communion. He agreed and we went on with our relationship and became more serious.

I think there are great parts of Judaism that I want to incorporate into our lives. After all, our children would be part Jewish and I would want then to experience all that they could of Judaism- and I would want to do those things as a family. For example we have set up our wedding ceremony to be led by both our Deacon and a Jewish Leader, the chutzpah, the breaking of the glass, signing of the Ketubah, etc…

So here is the problem: He told his grandparents and family of these plans the other day. They have all boycotted and now my fiance doesnt think he can have children that are baptized or have their first communion and still be in Temple or part of the Jewish community. I feel betrayed because I went forth in our relationship, allowed my self to get closer to him, on the premise of raising our children receiving those sacraments and having a Catholic life (he still agrees that we would send them to Catholic school!!!) and I truly dont think that I can continue knowing that my children wont be baptized or able to take part in the mass with me. We are at a stalemate and I could use any kind of foresite to help me out. I dont know what to do and feel like everything is closing down. I love him so much but I dont think I can compromise on those issues…
 
I’m so sorry to hear about all the trouble you are going through. Have you started the marriage process through the Church? I don’t mean to discourage you more, but it is my understanding that most diocese are very reluctant to allow Jews to marry Christians (and the same reaction from the Jewish side) for the very reasons you have experienced. Honestly, I know some families do it, but I can’t imagine how to raise kids Christian when the family is divided. If I were you, I would do a lot of soul searching and go talk to a priest.

Frankly, if it were me, there is no way I would endanger my faith or the faith of my future children by compromising, especially since it sounds his family is rather opposed to their family members marrying Christians. Too bad they didn’t speak up earlier when ya’ll were dating! I hope you find your answer.
 
You are correct. There can be no compromise.

You’ve learned the hard way that religious unity in the household is of primary importance and that as things go from possibilty to reality that is when these deeply-held beliefs begin to matter in ways they did not matter before.

As a Catholic, your obligation is clear. You are obligated to baptized your children and raise them as Catholic (not “just” get them baptized and make First Communion BTW).

I think it’s very unwise to move forward with marriage to this man. I know you love him, but this is a lifetime committment we are talking about, and innocent children also.
 
I am so sorry for your dilemma. But if it this bad now, think what it will be like when you have children. I will pray for you. It’s a tough situation.
 
You have reached the point where the dealbreaker became a dealbreaker. What you are learning is that you cannot both marry this man and have the Catholic children and home you want and need. You must choose one or the other.

And I agree, it’s really not cool at all that he promised you these things and is now reneging. An insight into either his character, or his weakness in not being able to withstand pressure from his family. Neither one is a good sign for a future marriage.
 
sandermc said:
… I love him so much but I dont think I can compromise on those issues…
Click to expand...
You have to prioritize what is most important to you, and do that which is the greatest good.

Mixed marriages are inherently difficult. 4 to 5 times more likely to end in divorce. I married an atheist, so I understand the difficulties involved. By the grace of God, my wife converted. However, most mixed marriages end up in divorce, or the Catholic stops practicing their faith, and there are other statistics which show that the children of mixed marriages, even if baptized and raised Catholic, also are more likely to leave the faith. A family that prayers together, most likely will stay together.

You are in my prayers.
 
sandermc said:
So my fiance and I are getting married in another year. As all of our details have been coming together there has been a lot of conflict. I am a practicing Catholic and he is Jewish (doesnt do Shabat or Temple but his religion is important to him- I often have to remind him that high holidays are coming up). Before we ever became serious, about a year and a half ago, I let him know the things I needed if we were to get married and have children: marriage in a church, celebration of holidays, he would have to support me going to Mass, and our children would at the very least be Baptized and receive their First Communion. He agreed and we went on with our relationship and became more serious.

I think there are great parts of Judaism that I want to incorporate into our lives. After all, our children would be part Jewish and I would want then to experience all that they could of Judaism- and I would want to do those things as a family. For example we have set up our wedding ceremony to be led by both our Deacon and a Jewish Leader, the chutzpah, the breaking of the glass, signing of the Ketubah, etc…

So here is the problem: He told his grandparents and family of these plans the other day. They have all boycotted and now my fiance doesnt think he can have children that are baptized or have their first communion and still be in Temple or part of the Jewish community. I feel betrayed because I went forth in our relationship, allowed my self to get closer to him, on the premise of raising our children receiving those sacraments and having a Catholic life (he still agrees that we would send them to Catholic school!!!) and I truly dont think that I can continue knowing that my children wont be baptized or able to take part in the mass with me. We are at a stalemate and I could use any kind of foresite to help me out. I dont know what to do and feel like everything is closing down. I love him so much but I dont think I can compromise on those issues…
Click to expand...
I don’t see this working.
I feel betrayed because I went forth in our relationship, allowed my self to get closer to him, on the premise of raising our children receiving those sacraments and having a Catholic life (he still agrees that we would send them to Catholic school??!!) and I truly dont think that I can continue knowing that my children wont be baptized or able to take part in the mass with me. We are at a stalemate and I could use any kind of foresite to help me out.
Click to expand...
My feeling is you wanna hear about how this can be fixed, that it just needs a little more time and patience. I don’t see it. Nothing beats 2 devout Catholics in a marriage union. Mixed marriages always have something a little less, some more than others, and many self destruct.

Listen to your head on this, NOT your heart. I don’t see this relationship working if you are a good Catholic that wants to give her children the best chance possible at growing up to be unconfused Confirmed and committed Catholics.

God is trying to tell you something here, listen.
 
OH, this breaks my heart 😦 Understanably so, a strong Jewish family will have the same reservations about raising a child out of the faith that a strong Catholic family would. I find it only natural. Those who are strong in their faith are not easily swayed.

I love the fact that you would teach many important customs in the Jewish faith (heck, our Lord was Jewish!), but think seriously about compromise.

Sometimes families can be a pain! Seems as though there were no issues before the families got involved 😦

My husband is Christian, but not Catholic and I would not have married him if he said I needed to compromise. Our child(ren) will be raised Catholic, go to Catholic schools, etc… I have even given criteria over naming our child(ren) - all Catholic related.

If there is no solution, think twice about marriage. You two need a serious sit-down and a decision.

How sad that what was not a big deal to him is now a big deal since everyone is boycotting!!! Of course, can’t blame his family. I think some Catholics would do the same if the situation were reversed. I don’t think all is lost, but you do need a resolution BEFORE getting married and having children. Seems like someone will be hurt no matter what, though.
 
duskyjewel said:
And I agree, it’s really not cool at all that he promised you these things and is now reneging. An insight into either his character, or his weakness in not being able to withstand pressure from his family. Neither one is a good sign for a future marriage.
Click to expand...
Definitely. Consider this the wake-up call. If he’s not on board before the marriage, he won’t be once the wedding is over. Neither will he magically stand up to his family once those vows and rings are exchanged.
 
this is sad indeed, but if nothing else take comfort that it came out now not a few yeards down the road.
 
sandermc said:
So here is the problem: He told his grandparents and family of these plans the other day. They have all boycotted and now my fiance doesnt think he can have children that are baptized or have their first communion and still be in Temple or part of the Jewish community. I feel betrayed because I went forth in our relationship, allowed my self to get closer to him, on the premise of raising our children receiving those sacraments and having a Catholic life (…
Click to expand...
I am glad to hear his family takes their Jewish faith seriously, and wish the Catholic side of the family did so as well.

I don’t know why you would feel betrayed by your fiance, as it is his family who is making their beliefs–which are rational and quite in accord with the demands of their faith–known at this time, the first chance they have had to express an opinion.

furthermore, why would you feel betrayed when you entered into a relationship with a person of another faith with your eyes wide open? surely you must know there are areas where the Jewish and Christian faiths collide completely, and that it is impossible to raise a child to be “part Jewish and part Catholic” when it comes to sincere practice of religion.
 
duskyjewel said:
You have reached the point where the dealbreaker became a dealbreaker. What you are learning is that you cannot both marry this man and have the Catholic children and home you want and need. You must choose one or the other.

And I agree, it’s really not cool at all that he promised you these things and is now reneging. An insight into either his character, or his weakness in not being able to withstand pressure from his family. Neither one is a good sign for a future marriage.
Click to expand...
He may not have considered the “big picture” being young and blinded by love. Thank GOD his family stepped in and said “whoa” for BOTH OF YOUR SAKE. I know you don’t feel that way at this moment, thinking “why did his family have to step in and ruin things?”

Welllllllllll – better now BEFORE the marriage then after! Can you imagine having a six week old in your arms ready to be baptized and your entire in-law contingent be up in arms?

Better now than later. If he is not of character to stick with his promise, and his family’s religious commitment too strong to respect his wishes – let him go.

Just let him go.
 
sandermc said:
I love him so much but I dont think I can compromise on those issues…
Click to expand...
Coming from the ‘other side’ with children (daughters) myself, I can only have sympathy with your predicament.

I think you meant to say chuppah (canopy) rather than chutzpah (which means ‘cheek’ or ‘effrontery’), by the way!
 
It’s good this happened before marriage rather than after.It often happens after the children are born. None of us would be complaining if a Catholic came to his senses after discussing the faith with his/her family. None of us would not be thankful if we were the family taking to a brother, niece etc who was making promises that go against our faith. I don’t see his changing his mind as an insult to his character but rather his promise to betray his faith. It would be different if he had an inkling to become Christian but he doesn’t.

I understand your being upset but it is for the better that it happened now. This is why the scriptures warn us to not be unequally yoked.

I know you love this man but you need to love God more. You have discovered this and the need to be firm in the faith. This includes living according to the teachings of the church. You were compromising big time on committing to a non sacramental marriage and not raising your children completely Catholic.

It’s difficult, I’m sorry for your distress.
 
I have a lot of sympathy for you.

I think it is hardest to marry outside of the “Christian” religions. My husband isn’t Catholic, but he is Lutheran, and he has agreed wholeheartedly [against his family’s wishes] to raise any future children as Catholics. He himself will never convert, but he understands that by marrying a Catholic, it is understood he will raise his children as so.

That said, I think you have to see both sides of the story here. His family wants the children raised in the Jewish faith; you want the kids raised Catholic. A child cannot be raised as both. I am sure there are success stories out there, but every child I know with parents of these two faiths are confused about religions, and they almost have no loyalty to either. They are only Jewish or Catholic in name…and practice neither.

This needs to be addressed immediately. You have two big issues here:
  1. He is going back on statements made to you regarding faith.
  2. He is choosing his family’s wishes over yours, which in my opinion is going to cause a LOT of problems down the road.
You must remember that soon he is to take you as his wife, and you will start a new family separate from your parents.

I think it is time for you to sit down with a priest and discuss this. You need to sit down with your fiance and really talk this out soon. Marriage doesn’t change people.
 
sandermc said:
So my fiance and I are getting married in another year. As all of our details have been coming together there has been a lot of conflict. I am a practicing Catholic and he is Jewish (doesnt do Shabat or Temple but his religion is important to him- I often have to remind him that high holidays are coming up). Before we ever became serious, about a year and a half ago, I let him know the things I needed if we were to get married and have children: marriage in a church, celebration of holidays, he would have to support me going to Mass, and our children would at the very least be Baptized and receive their First Communion. He agreed and we went on with our relationship and became more serious.

I think there are great parts of Judaism that I want to incorporate into our lives. After all, our children would be part Jewish and I would want then to experience all that they could of Judaism- and I would want to do those things as a family. For example we have set up our wedding ceremony to be led by both our Deacon and a Jewish Leader, the chutzpah, the breaking of the glass, signing of the Ketubah, etc…

So here is the problem: He told his grandparents and family of these plans the other day. They have all boycotted and now my fiance doesnt think he can have children that are baptized or have their first communion and still be in Temple or part of the Jewish community. I feel betrayed because I went forth in our relationship, allowed my self to get closer to him, on the premise of raising our children receiving those sacraments and having a Catholic life (he still agrees that we would send them to Catholic school!!!) and I truly dont think that I can continue knowing that my children wont be baptized or able to take part in the mass with me. We are at a stalemate and I could use any kind of foresite to help me out. I dont know what to do and feel like everything is closing down. I love him so much but I dont think I can compromise on those issues…
Click to expand...
I gently advise you to end the relationship. He wants you to become Jewish, or at least a Catholic exhile in your own family. Unacceptable. One cannot be both Catholic and Jewish, anyway. Your kids will get confused. Jesus to you will be everything, yet to your would-be husband, nothing. Not a good mixture of messages for children.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top