I need help; way too judgmental

[JackVk]

I’ve really been struggling with being judgmental and assuming the worst of people without even knowing them. For example, I was at Mass today and saw some people who were about my age whom I had never seen before. They didn’t appear to be following along with the prayers, so I somehow jump to the conclusion that they are there to attempt to steal a Eucharist (they didn’t). Also every time I see a new member here on CAF, I automatically think that they are a potential troll. Instead it is usually a young person, like me, seeking an answer to a difficult question.

What can I do about this?

 

[ttk5972]

It is something I think we all struggle with. I can only tell you the ways that I deal with it.

First, I remember my favorite Bible verse, “Stop judging, that you may not be judged. … Why do you notice the splinter in your brother’s eye, but do not perceive the wooden beam in your own eye?” Matthew 7:1-5 Put up a mental stop sign every time you begin to judge someone and immediately pray and ask God to open your heart and help you to love that person if only because they are one of God’s children, too. Spend some time praying and asking God to help you find the wooden beam of your sins. If you are focusing on your sins, it is easier to forgive others for theirs.

Second, spend time with people from drastically different backgrounds than yours. Help at a Food Pantry, volunteer to help build a house for Habitat for Humanity, any opportunity that will help you meet the kinds of people that you would normally judge; drug addicts, people in poverty, criminals, etc. When you find out their stories, and understand all they are dealing with, not only do you feel more blessed, but you are able to be more compassionate.

Finally, sometimes it helps me to make up a story about why someone is behaving the way that they are. Even if it’s not true, it could be, and it usually helps me to at least take a step back.

It is a continual, long-term process, but it does get easier with time.

Hope this helps. I think that God is just really proud of you for noticing this fault in yourself and working to do better. I’m praying for Him to send you even more Grace to help you.

 

[Mustang1971]

Hey everyone I had a very difficult time with this also. ttk5972 some good advice.

What I try to do is remember where I started and where I am today. I think of the mistakes I made and how I must of looked to someone else. So I try to remember that just as I have grown, that this person just needs some time and maybe guidance to grow, especially if they are younger than I am. I also try to remember that we are at all different points in our spiritual growth.

I also try to remember that I know nothing of this person, who knows what kind of day they are facing, what might be going on in their life, etc. We all have our bad days and times that are not our best moments. This might be a great person 99.9 percent of the time and we just happen to catch them at the one time the do something dumb.

Finally when in doubt, always assume the best about the person until they prove you wrong. Then I would say go back to the beginning of my post.

One of the things I found that when I was doing all this judging, I was a unhappy and angry person. I found that as I let go and quit judging others, I have become happier and more at peace. God Bless

 

[CMatt25]

ttk5972 already mentioned Matt 7:1-5 which are among my favorite verses as well. Try adding to those the Golden Rule and love your neighbor whenever you have those judging thoughts coming over you.

 

[Sherry_G]

I was really struggling with judging others, especially when I saw someome at Mass who was acting irreverent, like a young man snickering during the Gloria, failing to say the prayers, etc. It was very distracting and I felt overly protective of our faith, as if I was a guard there to protect Jesus from an unfaithful one attempting to receive the consecrated host, etc. I saw someone receiving the sacrament whom I knew for a fact was living in sin, and could hardly stomach it. I went to my confessor about this a number of times as I knew it was a terrible sin on my part that could prevent me from being able to receive the Eucharist myself, something that would be a terrible loss. My priest told me that I must immediately begin to pray for the person, as I was unaware of what their personal struggles must be or the temptations they were facing. This led me to have some more compassion and eventually to give up my “monitor” position. You are halfway there yourself, as it is really bothering you that you are being so judgemental. Talk with your priest in reconciliation, confess your sin and accept his help in overcoming this stumbling block. Pray and ask God to help you find compassion for those who are weak or sinful. And ask Him to help you find some for yourself, too.

 

[GratefulFred]

Good advice above.

As a professional auditor required to make conclusions that causes money to change hands, I have to always guard against jumping to a conclusion based on a few facts but not ALL the facts that often change my perception of what happened or is going on.

Someone can make a $10,000 error out of ignorance or out of intent. Or out of just being human and having a bad day. Someone can also be inattentive at Mass for the same reasons. So I cannot make any conclusion, with any certainty, that what I think is the ONLY reason for their error.

As an auditor, I have the authority to inquire more deeply. As a pashioner I do not have the authority to inquire of others who are strangers to me. My two best choices are to ask the Holy Spirit to give them the understanding about behavior at Mass. I could also mention my concerns to the Priest and ask for his advice.

My third choice, to approach a stranger after Mass is dicey. Perhaps making friends over several weeks would be better. With prayer to the Holy Spirit and making friends first, maybe the behavior resolves itself. If not, and friendship has been established, then speaking the truth in the spirit of LOVE, avoiding any negativism, would be a step to consider.

While the inappropriate behavior is distracting, I also recognize that they ARE present at Mass, so I tend to think a conscious intent to be disruptive is the least likely reason.

Just one man’s view.

 

[CMatt25]

I saw someone receiving the sacrament whom I knew for a fact was living in sin, and could hardly stomach it… My priest told me that I must immediately begin to pray for the person, as I was unaware of what their personal struggles must be or the temptations they were facing. This led me to have some more compassion and eventually to give up my “monitor” position.

What a wonderful lesson for all of us to try remembering. We often do not know another’s struggles and more compassion and charity and less of playing the “monitor” of another’s faith and their walk is a loving path to be led on.

 

[Reuben_J]

To the OP: we all go through this at one time or the other. Do not feel too bad and be glad that you realize what you’re doing (or thinking rather) is not very Christian.

Judgmental very often comes as a result of lack of charity and the lack of it make us distrustful; that’s why if you do, you’re hardly alone. I would advise maybe try to go through again 1 Cor 13 - about love. Put your name against every description of love there and see how you fare. Ultimately we are on our imperfect journey to be Christ-like and every step we endeavor to walk closer to that is always a grace.

 

[slywakka250]

I think it is important to mention that a Christian should still acknowledge sin or evil where it exists, and not deny the existence of sin or evil so as “not to judge.”

I have a problem with this. I am extremely non-judgmental. I have the opposite problem of the OP. I am often tolerant to the point of denying all evil whatsoever. I feel I have no right whatsoever to put myself above anyone else in anything, and that no matter how well I live my faith, I never will be a more moral person than anybody else.

I just think there might be some safe level of “judgement,” because when i am unable to judge anything, I really lose direction in life sometimes it seems.

 

[Reuben_J]

If I understand the OP correctly, it about him being judgmental not about difficutly in making sound judgment.

 

[JackVk]

If I understand the OP correctly, it about him being judgmental not about difficutly in making sound judgment.

Yes.

 

[mdrummer5]

I’ve really been struggling with being judgmental and assuming the worst of people without even knowing them. For example, I was at Mass today and saw some people who were about my age whom I had never seen before. They didn’t appear to be following along with the prayers, so I somehow jump to the conclusion that they are there to attempt to steal a Eucharist (they didn’t). Also every time I see a new member here on CAF, I automatically think that they are a potential troll. Instead it is usually a young person, like me, seeking an answer to a difficult question.

What can I do about this?

As someone who is looking to convert who’s early impressions of Christianity in general is that Christians are too judgmental I find it quite commendable that you’ve noticed and more importantly are addressing this issue in yourself. As has been stated everyone has moments like this from time to time, I would say the best thing you can do about it is remain cognizant of it. What I find helps me when I catch myself doing that is to tell myself that I have no logical reason to think whatever my judgmental thought may have been.

Also for the sake of perspective… looking your example, I’m not sure how old you are but as a 31 year old man attending Mass but not being completely familiar with all of the prayers as well as other practices I do not actively participate so much as observe what’s going on as I’m still learning the faith and actually feel quite self conscious that someone may be having thoughts about why I’m not praying or singing.

Truth be told I’ll probably never sing… I consider my lack of action there a favor to everyone around me and their eardrums

 

[GratefulFred]

It also occurs to me that such distractions at Mass is the Devil’s way of diverting us from OUR OWN PERSONAL ATTENTION to Mass. I am there to worship God, to give Him my full attention. Thus, I command myself to ignore the distractions and pay attention to every word the Priest says in the Mass and I put my own heart and mind into that.

 

[larsenl1]

I’ve really been struggling with being judgmental and assuming the worst of people without even knowing them.

What can I do about this?

“Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle” Plato

This often helps me reflect on my impression of the people around me. As you get to know those people, you will be surprised at the crosses they carry. Think of how much of an iceberg is below the water.

I commend you for recognizing this characteristic in yourself. As another poster mentioned, just knowing you need to work on this puts you half way to the finish line. Also, remember, your faith life is a marathon rather than a sprint.

 

[JackVk]

As someone who is looking to convert who’s early impressions of Christianity in general is that Christians are too judgmental I find it quite commendable that you’ve noticed and more importantly are addressing this issue in yourself. As has been stated everyone has moments like this from time to time, I would say the best thing you can do about it is remain cognizant of it. What I find helps me when I catch myself doing that is to tell myself that I have no logical reason to think whatever my judgmental thought may have been.

Also for the sake of perspective… looking your example, I’m not sure how old you are but as a 31 year old man attending Mass but not being completely familiar with all of the prayers as well as other practices I do not actively participate so much as observe what’s going on as I’m still learning the faith and actually feel quite self conscious that someone may be having thoughts about why I’m not praying or singing.

I go to Mass most every day, and I’m gonna be 19 next month . A lot of people tell me that how much I am involved in the Church is inspiring for someone my age. Now I’m not trying to brag, but I’ve always been known for being dedicated to what I love. I apparently go beyond a lot of people’s expectations, instead of doing the bare minimum like most people my age do.

But that’s just what people say about me. I try to stay off my high horse.

 

[PerfectTiming]

Well people have already mentioned Matthew 7:1-5 which is pretty good advice and comes from Jesus Himself so you can’t do any better than that!
Being judgemental in that way is often very easy. It’s easy to assume the worst about people, much easier than it is to think positively especially if they are strangers. You just have to catch yourself every time you think something negative about someone and take a step back and rephrase it so it’s positive. I used to find myself making judgements and doing that really helped me stop. Like I always used to judge how well the person singing the psalm sung and criticise it. I was in choir at school at the time so it was natural to me but obviously not a very nice thing to be doing during mass. So whenever I found myself starting to think like that I’d stop myself and think instead about how much courage it took for them to stand in front of the whole congregation and sing and how good it was that they were being involved in the church. It gets easier after a while.

 

[Edward_H]

There’s a difference between “not judging” and “not loving”

Being judgmental unfortunately and incorrectly has come to mean not coming to any moral conclusions about the rightness or wrongness of actions, mainly with respect to others - though this hesitancy can have consequences in our own life whether we notice it or not.

This is wrong and dangerous and can lead to a loss of community (as we shy way from tough and loving conversations, so as to avoid "being judgmental) and a luke-warming in the moral atmosphere of society, where anything goes. In leadership/human nature this effect is sometimes called “the power of the low performer.” The sinner has more actual influence on a group than the saint. “At least I am not an adulterer”.

We can never conclude that someone is going to hell. We don’t know.

We must always act in love, and looking the other way, is not an act of love when moral behavior is concerned. Brow-beating someone isn’t loving them either.

We need to ask for the courage and the wisdom to engage our friends (who we claim to really love). Loving someone means desiring the Truly Good for them.

 

[RichP]

For example, I was at Mass today and saw some people who were about my age whom I had never seen before. They didn’t appear to be following along with the prayers, so I somehow jump to the conclusion that they are there to attempt to steal a Eucharist (they didn’t).

Have you personally seen many incidents of people stealing the Eucharist? I am wondering why you associate people not following along with the prayers as possible thieves… If people in church are often distracting you during Mass, I would recommend that you sit in the first pew putting the distracting people behind you.

Also every time I see a new member here on CAF, I automatically think that they are a potential troll. Instead it is usually a young person, like me, seeking an answer to a difficult question.

What can I do about this?

Well, you are correct. Every new member IS a potential troll. Every new member is potentially a person seeking answers and seeking the Truth. It might be difficult to tell the difference because they might be the same person! Why treat them any differently?

 

[Abu]

ttk5972
First, I remember my favorite Bible verse, “Stop judging, that you may not be judged. … Why do you notice the splinter in your brother’s eye, but do not perceive the wooden beam in your own eye?” Matthew 7:1-5

slywakka250
I just think there might be some safe level of “judgement,” because when i am unable to judge anything, I really lose direction in life sometimes it seems.

There has been some good advice on concentrating on the Mass, and on not needlessly assuming the worst in anyone, while praying for those in need.

It is very important not to judge a person’s guilt before God as commanded (Mt 7:1-5). We are commanded not to judge others regarding their motives, intentions, and guilt before God (a judgment reserved to God).

But it is vital to follow the command to judge all actions, speech writing against truth and in this way we can help others by offering truth.

Christ and His Church’s Scriptures tell us:

“Stop judging by appearances, but judge justly.” (Jn 7:24).

“Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but underneath are ravenous wolves. By their fruits you will know them” (Mt 7:15, 16).

“Every tree that does not bear good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire. So by their fruits you will know them.” (Mt 7:19-20).

“Test everything: retain what is good.” (1Thess 5:21).

“The spiritual person, however, can judge everything but is not subject to judgement by anyone.” (1 Cor 2:15).

“I, for my part, although absent in body but present in spirit, have already, as if present, pronounced judgement on the one who has committed this deed…” (1 Cor 5:3; read 1-13).

“I am speaking as to sensible people; judge for yourselves what I am saying.” (1 Cor 10:15).

“Beloved, do not trust every spirit but test the spirits to see whether they belong to God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world.” (1 Jn 4:1).

“I know your works; I know that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either cold or hot. So, because you are lukewarm, neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of my mouth.” (Rev 3:16).

We can’t judge according to truth by being mesmerized by others and giving them adulation, but according to the teaching of Christ’s Church, Her Tradition and Her Scriptures.

 

[Romulus]

“Stop judging, that you may not be judged. … Why do you notice the splinter in your brother’s eye, but do not perceive the wooden beam in your own eye?”.

“rebuking” and “judging” are different…it seems to me that some people get those two confused or they equate them…equating will cause a contradiction in scripture…will it not?

Rebuking is loving your neighbor. Judging is condemning…Jesus will come back to judge the living and the dead…in meantime, who judges now?

How do we know if someone has a splinter or a wooden beam?? Someone who has a splinter is more justified than someone with a wooden beam?? So the splinter eyed should rebuke the wooden beam eyed?