I need help! Wife issues

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iwontgiveup said:
Sounds like fantastic advice. I am going through issues as well, and am looking for guidance too, but this sounds very appropriate.
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The Holy Spirit will guide you, keep holding on! These messages are not only for hurthusband but also for you and others that are dealing with these particular obstacles in life.

I will keep you in my prayers - Trust in God, He will take care of everything!
 
My wife went and got a legal consultation last week and the lawyer told her that I’d have to pay her $2000 per month. Problem is, she didn’t take in any of the financial paperwork. She just gave the guy numbers off the top of her head. Well, I got my own consultation. I’m not going to have to pay one dime. Not one dime. Its not too late for this to all go away. I’m still willing to put in the work to keep our family together, but at least now I have peace of mind that if she continues to pursue this I’ll be ok financially.
 
hurthusband said:
My wife went and got a legal consultation last week and the lawyer told her that I’d have to pay her $2000 per month. Problem is, she didn’t take in any of the financial paperwork. She just gave the guy numbers off the top of her head. Well, I got my own consultation. I’m not going to have to pay one dime. Not one dime. Its not too late for this to all go away. I’m still willing to put in the work to keep our family together, but at least now I have peace of mind that if she continues to pursue this I’ll be ok financially.
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Praying for you still. Your actions are commendable…Difficult to do sometimes when emotions run high…
Blessings
 
hurthusband said:
My wife went and got a legal consultation last week and the lawyer told her that I’d have to pay her $2000 per month. Problem is, she didn’t take in any of the financial paperwork. She just gave the guy numbers off the top of her head. Well, I got my own consultation. I’m not going to have to pay one dime. Not one dime. Its not too late for this to all go away. I’m still willing to put in the work to keep our family together, but at least now I have peace of mind that if she continues to pursue this I’ll be ok financially.
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Please understand that domestic relations judges typically have pretty wide discretion when it comes to determining spousal support (alimony). Unlike child support, which is formula-driven (although still subject to adjustment per the judge’s assessment of the nebulous best interest of the child(ren)), spousal support is likely much more difficult to predict.

I would seriously question any attorney who is offering you assurances that you’ll not have to pay her anything and would encourage you to get a second opinion.

Also, even if you and your wife both knew with certainty that you’d have to pay her no alimony, know that you two are employing two drastically different calculi in assessing the costs and benefits of divorce. Based on what you’ve shared, your wife seems inclined to nuke your marriage for frivolous reasons. To most rational people, this seems crazy, irresponsible and probably sinful, but this is not how she sees it. Most people purport to recognize at least superficially the absolutely devastating practical impact, notably financial, that divorce brings to bear on those affected by it; in truth, few really do, especially those initiating them. Your wife views her freedom from you as worth the cost of the diminished standard of living she’ll realize as a result, and that view is being flavored by the prospect of having you continue to hold up your end of the marital bargain, at least in part, while she gets to chuck hers. Do not assume that the stark reality of life after divorce will suddenly change her mind; if anything the adversarial nature of the process will harden her heart and cause her to rationalize her decision and cast you as the bad guy even more than she already has.

You seriously need to recognize the perverse incentives at play for the participants in the system, namely the attorneys. It is not in their interest to emphasize the worst possible outcome, or even the likely outcome. Most importantly, it is never in their interest, nor any other regular participant in the system, to have the process stop. Put simply, it is literally you against everyone else.

I truly, truly feel for you as I have recently seen my life’s journey take a momentous turn for the worse. Please do everything you can to save your marriage.
 
hurthusband said:
My wife went and got a legal consultation last week and the lawyer told her that I’d have to pay her $2000 per month. Problem is, she didn’t take in any of the financial paperwork. She just gave the guy numbers off the top of her head. Well, I got my own consultation. I’m not going to have to pay one dime. Not one dime. Its not too late for this to all go away. I’m still willing to put in the work to keep our family together, but at least now I have peace of mind that if she continues to pursue this I’ll be ok financially.
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I don’t know what state you live in, but most states don’t have alimony anymore. Your kids are over 18, so you won’t need to pay child support either.
 
hurting said:
I truly, truly feel for you as I have recently seen my life’s journey take a momentous turn for the worse. Please do everything you can to save your marriage.
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He already is.

I hope after all is said and done, he can accept that he did everything he could, and not second guess himself that he could have done more.

Like you, I’ve been through it.

Divorce is horrible. And secular society glorifies divorce.
 
In California there is a system where you plug in the financial information and the computer spits out a number. Pretty simple. We make almost the same money. In fact, I have stopped working any overtime. She has been working a bunch of overtime and Saturdays. She’s setting herself up and doesn’t even know it.
 
hurthusband said:
In California there is a system where you plug in the financial information and the computer spits out a number. Pretty simple. We make almost the same money. In fact, I have stopped working any overtime. She has been working a bunch of overtime and Saturdays. She’s setting herself up and doesn’t even know it.
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If she is working, she probably is not entitled to alimony.

The formulas are usually for child support.
 
I just read most of this thread. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I will dedicate my rosary today to you.

I’m so sorry.
 
hurthusband said:
In California there is a system where you plug in the financial information and the computer spits out a number. Pretty simple. We make almost the same money. In fact, I have stopped working any overtime. She has been working a bunch of overtime and Saturdays. She’s setting herself up and doesn’t even know it.
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What did your attorney say about imputed income?
 
qui_est_ce said:
I don’t know what state you live in, but most states don’t have alimony anymore. Your kids are over 18, so you won’t need to pay child support either.
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Just curious, do you have a source for the assertion in bold above?
 
hurting said:
Is your personal experience your own as a party to a divorce? As a divorce attorney who has practiced in many states? As a scholar who has studied the matter?

americanbar.org/content/dam/aba/publications/family_law_quarterly/vol45/4win12_chart1_alimony.authcheckdam.pdf

The link above provides a summary of the laws in the U.S. surrounding alimony/spousal support.
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That chart is very nice but it doesn’t really tell the whole story. I was divorced in Ohio. I had been a SAHM, not earning any income. I had two little children and no job.I hadn’t worked for over 10 years. I could get alimony for two years to help me catch up on my skills. That is all. Plus, you can only get a certain percentage of a person’s income. The primary earner is entitled to keep some money for their own living expenses.

Hurtinghusband and his wife make about the same and there are no children under 18 involved.
 
qui_est_ce said:
I don’t know what state you live in, but most states don’t have alimony anymore. Your kids are over 18, so you won’t need to pay child support either.
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Do you mean “permanent” alimony? Or are you making an assertion regarding alimony/spousal support in general? Most documents I see have alimony/spousal support for a set period of time–in order for the spouse recieving it to be given time to be trained and enter the workforce in a capacity to support themselves.

Thanks,
Mark
 
Retrovaille is awesome. Really helped me and my wife through a rough spot a few years back. I highly recommend it.
 
MarkInOregon said:
Do you mean “permanent” alimony? Or are you making an assertion regarding alimony/spousal support in general? Most documents I see have alimony/spousal support for a set period of time–in order for the spouse recieving it to be given time to be trained and enter the workforce in a capacity to support themselves.

Thanks,
Mark
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I meant for working spouses.
 
Forkfoot said:
Retrovaille is awesome. Really helped me and my wife through a rough spot a few years back. I highly recommend it.
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We went to Retrouvaille. I poured out my feelings and cried for 3 days. She wasn’t that into it. Maybe she wasn’t quite ready, and she doesn’t express herself very well by writing.

So this past weekend we had a great talk on Friday evening. Started out talking about us splitting up, but quickly tirned into us being parents and grandparents, talked about our family and our future. She cried about it. We hugged, and it was a good interaction. Saturday I got up and went for a nice long bicycle ride. I think she has noticed that I’m not moping around the house waiting for her. I’m out taking care of myself. I’ve even started looking at what’s out in the housing market, just to cover myself. Anyway, I was gone for quite a while and when I got back she wanted to work in the yard with me. That hasn’t happened for a while. We ended up spending all day hanging out around the pool, eating, drinking, just enjoying our time together. Saturday night we went and picked up her blood pressure pillls and went out for drinks and appettizers. Sunday I went to mass and then we spent all day at an antiques fair together, all day. I found some things that she collects and bought them for her. We ate, we snacked, we just enjoyed the day. On the way back home we stopped and found some shoes that she had been looking for. After we got home, but before we got ready for bed, I made a point to pull her aside and tell her how much I enjoyed the weekend, and how much our time together means to mean. She cried again and she said what a great weekend she had also. I just can’t help but feel that she doesn’t really want a divorce. She has so much inner turmoil, mid life hormonal issues, but she understands deep down what God’s plan is for her. She just has to let go.
 
qui_est_ce said:
That chart is very nice but it doesn’t really tell the whole story. I was divorced in Ohio. I had been a SAHM, not earning any income. I had two little children and no job.I hadn’t worked for over 10 years. I could get alimony for two years to help me catch up on my skills. That is all. Plus, you can only get a certain percentage of a person’s income. The primary earner is entitled to keep some money for their own living expenses.

Hurtinghusband and his wife make about the same and there are no children under 18 involved.
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I’ve just been through this process in Ohio myself and comment credibly. There is no prescribed formula for spousal support in Ohio, just a set of 14 conditions the judge can consider in setting the amount and duration, the last of which is basically, “any other factor the judge considers relevant”.

I’m not sure about California, the OP’s state, but I do believe a judge can consider fault in spousal support awards. To the extent that is true and that a divorcing spouse can convince the court of fault on the other party’s part, a spouse could be ordered to pay alimony even where earnings are comparable.
 
hurting said:
I’ve just been through this process in Ohio myself and comment credibly. There is no prescribed formula for spousal support in Ohio, just a set of 14 conditions the judge can consider in setting the amount and duration, the last of which is basically, “any other factor the judge considers relevant”.

I’m not sure about California, the OP’s state, but I do believe a judge can consider fault in spousal support awards. To the extent that is true and that a divorcing spouse can convince the court of fault on the other party’s part, a spouse could be ordered to pay alimony even where earnings are comparable.
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I’m sorry you had to go through this. Divorce is horrible.
 
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