I need help! Wife issues

  • Thread starter Thread starter hurthusband
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
hurthusband said:
Hey, thanks very much. Haven’t really had any progress towards resolution. I guess the clock is ticking in that direction, but it doesn’t seem that way. The kids will be spending the holidays with me for the most part. The consensus on their part is that they don’t agree with what their mom has done and they aren’t going to fake it just for the holidays. All of our family traditions are going to remain the same other than one person will be missing. I’m going to keep things as normal as I can.
Click to expand...
Our prayers are with you. I don’t know why, and you’re probably past this, but there’s a part of me hoping that the holiday’s make it apparent to her what is missing and that she starts to work in earnest on fixing herself and your marriage. I realize that’s probably a long gone hope - but maybe you can take some solace in knowing that others are thinking about you and your family this holiday.
 
kbachler said:
Our prayers are with you. I don’t know why, and you’re probably past this, but there’s a part of me hoping that the holiday’s make it apparent to her what is missing and that she starts to work in earnest on fixing herself and your marriage. I realize that’s probably a long gone hope - but maybe you can take some solace in knowing that others are thinking about you and your family this holiday.
Click to expand...
Thanks for the prayers. I can use them. I don’t think the holidays are going to help her at all. She planned on inviting my parents and my sister’s family over for Christmas day. Can’t imagine why she’d do that. My daughter had to tell her that that just wouldn’t happen.
 
hurthusband said:
Thanks for the prayers. I can use them. I don’t think the holidays are going to help her at all. She planned on inviting my parents and my sister’s family over for Christmas day. Can’t imagine why she’d do that. My daughter had to tell her that that just wouldn’t happen.
Click to expand...
So she invited your parents? That’s just stirring the pot…
Talk about awkward silences around the dinner table.:hmmm:

I’m happy that you have a solid support system around you, and have your family’s love and support.
 
Evania said:
So she invited your parents? That’s just stirring the pot…
Talk about awkward silences around the dinner table.:hmmm:

I’m happy that you have a solid support system around you, and have your family’s love and support./QU

The truth is that after I got through the denial and heartbreak and grieving stages and came to accept that #1 its over, and #2 I desrve better, I’ve met some amazing people and had some amazing experiences that I never could have imagined. I don’t think its God’s plan for people to divorce, but I do think it’s God’s plan for me to continue to do good works in my life and to do good things for other people along the way.
Click to expand...
 
Retrouvaille is wonderful. I highly recommend it. It will help. If you have the opportunity to go on a weekend, please do it. I’m so sorry for your pain and will be praying for you.
 
oddmaude said:
Retrouvaille is wonderful. I highly recommend it. It will help. If you have the opportunity to go on a weekend, please do it. I’m so sorry for your pain and will be praying for you.
Click to expand...
We did that already. I participated. She, not so much. Never went to any of the follow up sessions.
 
Hurthusband, thanks so much for answering the request for an update.

It sounds like you are moving to a good place, as well as your kids. I wish you, and them, only the best and hope that you are able to have a warm and blessed Christmas together. Peace to you, as you surely deserve it.
 
I’m sorry that Retrouvaille was not more helpful. It takes two and unfortunately it sounds like her heart is rather hardened. I’m very sorry.

Blessings to you.
 
HH, Hope the joy of Christmas helps you through this. Our road has very much in common. My divorce recently was finalized. I still believe we should be together and working on the marriage.

It has been a while since I have posted here but I have kept up. I simply pray that you find Peace in 2014.

You spoke of healing… here is my path (so far…)

I find it interesting that Christ says Peace be with you rather than happiness be with you. It put things in perspective for me. I finally realized what she had done or I had done in the 25+ year marriage mattered little. I found some relief in pointing out her failures and I could have been 100% right (needing to be right was one huge fault I had in the marriage) but to quote Bill Murray in Meatballs… It just doesn’t matter (watch his speech here…search.yahoo.com/search?ei=utf-8&fr=ytff1-gl-gen1&p=Bill%20Murray%20in%20camp%20movie&type=). What matters is the future. I know that sounds good but trust me I have done all degrees of the blame game with my ex-wife. I even want so far as researching if my wife was in mortal sin since she filed for divorce without following Church teaching and Canon Law about separation and the steps expected. I held tight on to Church teaching that even in the most horrible marriages that when the danger is no longer present, reconciliation is expected. I went as far as thinking that to be forgiven for this sin she had to reconcile. I can show you pages of back up and opinions of famous theologians (I even emailed some and got wonderful responses) that support this thinking but in the end, it doesn’t matter… She shows no signs of changing her mind. Hard cold fact is for her (everyone makes sense all the time… alturtle.com) it was easier to break up our marriage and family than it was to stay with me. That thought hurts me every time I think of it. But is is true. I am not saying you are to blame. I am saying that who is to blame doesn’t matter as far as the future goes so it is wasted energy for us to think about it.

Life is hard. We both did the best we could with the tools we had at the time. I now have better tools. One of them is to realize that I am only able to change me. I still pray that my marriage will someday be restored. I have no control over that. I only have control over making me the man God expects me to be. I have plenty to work on to keep me busy. Best thing that can happen is my ex-wife sees in me a man she wants to be married to. Worst thing that happens is I am a better man for whatever happens next.

God has plans for both of us. Only He knows what they are. HH for me, I have nothing left to do but to trust in Him. His will be done.

I actually invited my ex to Mass tonight with the kids and I. I first felt that I didn’t want her there. I realized that was to protect me. I also realized that the kids should have not have to face Christmas Mass without their mother with them so I could feel some kind of victory or so she would feel the hurt. It shocked her but it was the right thing to do.

I hope this Christmas brings you hope and peace.
 
hurthusband said:
Thanks for the prayers. I can use them. I don’t think the holidays are going to help her at all. She planned on inviting my parents and my sister’s family over for Christmas day. Can’t imagine why she’d do that. My daughter had to tell her that that just wouldn’t happen.
Click to expand...
I probably shouldn’t be so nosy - but I’m just curious if there was any realization over the holidays that her actions separated the family.
 
Give advice in these cases is not easy but I’ll try anyway. I understand that you still love your wife and this is great, so I suggest you to speak frankly, without rancor, of what’s going on.
Maybe in the last years she has felt neglected or sad or has problems that you haven’t noticed and because of that she wanted to start a friendship with another man.
I never saw a perfect marriage, it doesn’t exist, because we make mistakes and we hurt the person we love but the good news is that if both of you want, you can work on your relationship and be happier than before. I know many couples who have gone through periods of crisis but they really wanted to put things right and now they are really happy together.
You can go to talk to a priest or a therapist, or perhaps both, they can really help you.
I wish you to solve your problems quickly and have a happy marriage for many years to come.
 
sesenena said:
Give advice in these cases is not easy but I’ll try anyway. I understand that you still love your wife and this is great, so I suggest you to speak frankly, without rancor, of what’s going on.
Maybe in the last years she has felt neglected or sad or has problems that you haven’t noticed and because of that she wanted to start a friendship with another man.
I never saw a perfect marriage, it doesn’t exist, because we make mistakes and we hurt the person we love but the good news is that if both of you want, you can work on your relationship and be happier than before. I know many couples who have gone through periods of crisis but they really wanted to put things right and now they are really happy together.
You can go to talk to a priest or a therapist, or perhaps both, they can really help you.
I wish you to solve your problems quickly and have a happy marriage for many years to come.
Click to expand...
I think you really need to read everything before you post.
 
I hope you read this.
Here is what happened to me. There is so much to tell you. First of all if you can contact
S-Anon.org, it took me a year to find them. Please just get in contact with someone there and tell your story. Your eyes will be opened. The reason I know it is what it is because I lived it and nobody can tell you what you need to know unless they have gone through it.
If you are skeptical it is an international program that leads many people to the catholic faith. But if offers hope and superior needed help for those who have been hurt by another s sexual behavior. It is the reaction that your wife had to your simple inquiry to the text. What she did is called redirection or deflection, and she acted like a child who just got caught stealing. That kind of behavior shows an explicit type of behavior that can be found in a person who is emotionally immature, definitely perfectly educated but acting like a 10 year old emotionally.
You will find the answers you are looking for. I am catholic and am in the Deaconate program and boy do I have a whopper of a story to tell to you. You can email me at detroitsanon@gmail.com or anyone else who thinks they need help. I know I have been vague but the brain plays tricks on you in the state you may be in. I know you will research what I said and will get back to me only on your terms. This is only a suggestion
 
Irishmom2 said:
I think you really need to read everything before you post.
Click to expand...
With all due respect, not everyone has the time to devote to reading 48 pages of a post. I think sesenena had great points. It may not completely apply to hurt husband’s situation, but I thought it was solid advice that gives thoughts to ponder over to anyone who is going through a similar situation. It certainly doesn’t hurt to let a person know that you’re praying for them, their family, and are rooting for things to work out for them.

Hurt Husband, I hope you’re doing okay. I oftentimes wonder how things are working out for you, and each time I say a prayer for your family. 🙂
 
And with all due respect to you Evania, why would someone post without reading? My comment was made regarding someone that was so totally off the mark of the OPs problem, that anyone else that comes along now that is also not willing to read the 48 pages will wrongly assume the OP was at fault, or caused the events from something he did or didn’t do.
 
Hi Irishmom,

I’m sure the poster in question did read parts of his thread, and felt they had advice that they wanted to contribute. I read what sesenena posted and it was solid advice that any married person can take to heart. I honestly didn’t read anything in this person’s post that was off the mark. There was a sentence in which they speculated on the emotions that the wife could have been feeling. The truth is, I don’t think anyone knows, with the sole exception of hurthusband’s wife, the reasons as to why she has done this. Looking over the post, they are pointing out that a “perfect marriage doesn’t exist”, (True)They then go on to cite the couples they have personally known that overcame their difficulties, and then they end by saying that they are praying that the same would happen for hurt husband. I got the sense that this poster is pulling for this man’s marriage, as we all are, and just wanted to lend encouragement, which is great.

Anyway, that’s just my two cents…I hope you have a great evening.
 
It’s been a long time since I posted anything here. Some things have changed and some things haven’t. My son graduated from college back in Missouri and he moved back to California to live with me and go to grad school. We moved 40 miles away from our hometown to get him closer to grad school. My wife and I are not divorced yet. The hold up is our house that is owned three ways with her mother. The wife is still with her three time married and divorced boyfriend although none of my kids have met him or seen him and he’s never been to my old house. They continue to lurk in the shadows. This forum gave me a lot of support during some pretty dark times and I thank everyone for that.
 
Hello hurthusband. Thanks for the update. Congratulations to your son! I hope that you have settled into some kind of peace that you can live with for now until the house is sold and things move along.
 
The hard thing for me to accept is that this is God’s plan for me. Does that even sound right? It’s God’s plan for me to be divorced? It’s God’s plan for my children to have to decide who to spend their holidays with? It’s God’s plan for this terrible person to be in my kid’s lives? Acceptance is a hard thing.
 
No, this wasn’t God’s plan. This was your wife’s plan. Don’t forget that. This was her doing, not God’s.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top