I need help! Wife issues

  • Thread starter Thread starter hurthusband
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Capuchinfan1337 said:
5k texts, women love to talk, basing this off of my personal exspirence.
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So what’s your point? No big deal?
By the way, we celebrated Chinese New Year last night with grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. It was very nice - good family time. I couldn’t help but think - why would she ever want to give that up? I’m going to mass tonight, so I’ll ask her if she wants to go, but I won’t push too hard. I’ve been trying to go more often during the week. I need it.
 
I couldn’t help but think - why would she ever want to give that up? I’m going to mass tonight, so I’ll ask her if she wants to go, but I won’t push too hard. I’ve been trying to go more often during the week. I need it.
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I pray for you and your wife.

(((((((Blessings and love to your family))))))
 
hurthusband said:
So what’s your point? No big deal?
By the way, we celebrated Chinese New Year last night with grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. It was very nice - good family time. I couldn’t help but think - why would she ever want to give that up?
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That was the hardest part for me to understand. People that bicker, act unappreciative, and never have sex get divorced. Sometimes people don’t see how good they have it and think the grass is greener. They like the thrill they get when someone new shows a little interest. They don’t realize this is only a temporary feeling. With any luck, they figure out that what they have is worth hanging on to. What seems nice to you can be excruciating for someone that is trying to put on a front. Sometimes people hit that point in their life that they don’t really know what they want. If it is mid-life related it can be brief period or it can last for years. She just needs to sit tight and wait it out. My ex’s lasted for years; he is coming out of the fog and has said on numerous occasions, “What was I thinking?”

Get to Retrouvaille as soon as possible. Get to counseling. Lay it all out on the table. Say what needs to be said, get all the feelings out in the open, work through them, and then leave all mistakes of the past behind. Show her that you can forgive and that it is something that will never be brought up again.

I don’t know where the fine line between bending over backwards to do everything right and pulling away a little is. I believe that sometimes you can try too hard and it pushes them further. There are so many issues at play. Maybe she needs to see how lost she would be without you to snap her out of it. Maybe you being overly accommodating to her every need makes her feel more guilt. This is where professional help is necessary.

And yes, the phone records will drive you crazy. I’ve been there. Trying to remember what was going on each time there was contact…when he would go out for a run, when we were on vacation and he’d leave every the morning to get me coffee so I could sleep in, when he’d take me to dinner and need to use the restroom, on his way to work…In my case, all the investigation went on after he left.
 
hurthusband said:
Somebody tell me to quit looking at the old phone records. They’re driving me crazy.
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I discovered last year my wife carried on an emotional affair with someone. Drove me crazy as well, I wanted to turn into a super sleuth and find out everything I could…I knew that was the wrong course. I had to change my behaviors and the only way I discovered I could do that was prayer.

Funny story in hindsight, the evil one would torment me like crazy while I was cutting the lawn (we have a large yard and it took a few hours). My mind would wander while I was mowing and end up in this horrible downward spiral thinking things about her and “him”. Well, it got to the point where I just sorta cried out in my head, “Blessed Mother, help me!” and started saying a rosary in my head. It got to where I could say 2 or 3 rosary’s on a Saturday afternoon. 😃 The tormenting went away and I now when I smell fresh cut grass, wonderful thoughts of the Blessed Mother come to mind! 😛

Turn to prayer brother. God bless.
 
hurthusband said:
Somebody tell me to quit looking at the old phone records. They’re driving me crazy.
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Looking through the eyes of suspicion will not solve anything. Let God have it.
It’s difficult to let go and trust again. It takes time. Letting go will entail assuming the best motivations of your spouse, rather than doubting her every move. We don’t want to trust after something like this. We are afraid that if we let our guard down, we will be made to look foolish, or get hurt. Let it go. Even if you can’t fully trust right away, at least committ to doing no harm. Sacrifice for your wife. God will take care of the rest.
 
hurthusband said:
Somebody tell me to quit looking at the old phone records. They’re driving me crazy.
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Burn the old phone records. I mean it. Make a ceremony out of it if it makes you feel better.

But don’t look back, only forward.

Your wife is trying, and you can only pray it continues. May God continue to bless you and guide you. 🙂
 
Good stuff from everyone!! FYI - I just got off the phone with a guy from Retrouvaille. We are going March 15-17. I feel really good about going. We talked for 30 minutes about the program. Can’t wait.
 
hurthusband said:
Good stuff from everyone!! FYI - I just got off the phone with a guy from Retrouvaille. We are going March 15-17. I feel really good about going. We talked for 30 minutes about the program. Can’t wait.
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☘️:irish3::irish2::shamrock2: What a great way to spend St.Patrick’s day! 😉

Seriously, this is a big wonderful development! Prayers will be offered for you and your wife.
 
Wow, I didn’t realize it was going to be Saint Patrick’s Day on that Sunday. That’s fantastic. We’ll have to stop for a wee pint on the way home.
 
Hurthusband,

Please forgive my curiousness 😃

Are you Asian? (you mention that your family celebrate Chinese New Year)

If yes, you must be very brave to forgive your wife 🙂

Asian people, even Catholics, are deeply influenced by the culture that favors polygamy. It’s ok for men to have affairs outside of wedlock, but not women. As a result, it is easier for women to forgive their husband’s adultery than men do to their wives.
 
mayxanh said:
Hurthusband,

Please forgive my curiousness 😃

Are you Asian? (you mention that your family celebrate Chinese New Year)

If yes, you must be very brave to forgive your wife 🙂

Asian people, even Catholics, are deeply influenced by the culture that favors polygamy. It’s ok for men to have affairs outside of wedlock, but not women. As a result, it is easier for women to forgive their husband’s adultery than men do to their wives.
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No I’m not Asian, I’m Irish. Chinese New Year is a tradition we celebrate as a way to get all of our family together. We all share our chinese zodiac signs and just have a good time. We potluck it, so everyone brings something. Its just a good family get together. Kinda like Cinco de Mayo or 4th of July. You know?
 
hurthusband said:
No I’m not Asian, I’m Irish. Chinese New Year is a tradition we celebrate as a way to get all of our family together. We all share our chinese zodiac signs and just have a good time. We potluck it, so everyone brings something. Its just a good family get together. Kinda like Cinco de Mayo or 4th of July. You know?
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No, I don’t …

I am Asian and I know that if I mess up with some other guy, then that’s it. No second chance 😦
 
mayxanh said:
No, I don’t …

I am Asian and I know that if I mess up with some other guy, then that’s it. No second chance 😦
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I’m jusy saying it’s a nice reason to get everyone together - grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins.
 
hurthusband said:
Good stuff from everyone!! FYI - I just got off the phone with a guy from Retrouvaille. We are going March 15-17. I feel really good about going. We talked for 30 minutes about the program. Can’t wait.
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Great news!
 
hurthusband said:
My wife texted me that “I’m really not wanting to go”. What do I do now???
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You can’t force her to go. Ask her what her plan is to get your marriage back on track. Does she affiirm with you what the issues are, and agree that they need to be worked on?
You’re willing to listen to a better plan, right?

Early in our trial, I had to firmly tell my wife that what happened was NOT ok and that it had to be addressed. She thought she would simply say she was sorry, and meet with her high school friends anyway, including her former lover.
You need to tell her in no uncertain terms that the issue has not been addressed fully.
Stay away from her phone messages and texts and all that counterproductive stuff, but she needs to help rebuild the trust she destroyed. That’s something she has to participate in, since she made the mess.
If you don’t address it, it will fester and get infected.

Clear out your message box it is full.
 
hurthusband said:
My wife texted me that “I’m really not wanting to go”. What do I do now???
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Ask for clarification as to why she doesn’t want to go. Obviously, she isn’t afraid of therapy.

If she wanted to work through the marital issues she would go, maybe hesitantly, but she would go nonetheless. If she refuses to go, that would tell me that she has checked out of the marriage. You can do everything in your power to save your marriage but if she isn’t giving it her all the probable outcome isn’t great.

Keep fighting for what you believe. If the time comes, and only you will know when, be prepared to protect yourself.
 
I would ask her what changed since you last talked about it. And then I’d look her in the eye and tell her that it is very very important to you that she be there, and that you feel if she has any respect or love or regard for you at all, she should go.
 
clem456 said:
You can’t force her to go. Ask her what her plan is to get your marriage back on track. Does she affiirm with you what the issues are, and agree that they need to be worked on?
You’re willing to listen to a better plan, right?

Early in our trial, I had to firmly tell my wife that what happened was NOT ok and that it had to be addressed. She thought she would simply say she was sorry, and meet with her high school friends anyway, including her former lover.
You need to tell her in no uncertain terms that the issue has not been addressed fully.
Stay away from her phone messages and texts and all that counterproductive stuff, but she needs to help rebuild the trust she destroyed. That’s something she has to participate in, since she made the mess.
If you don’t address it, it will fester and get infected.

Clear out your message box it is full.
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Message Box? Didn’t know I had one. How do I access it?
 
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