I need help! Wife issues

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hurthusband

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My wife and I have been married for almost 24 years. I recently found out that she had exchanged over 5000 text messages and thousands of minutes of phone conversations over the last five months. My adult daughters have known since November, but I was clueless until it just hit me in the face. I think she finally told me about because she was afraid one of the girls was going to tell me. I later learned that a kiss was exchanged at some point. I’m a very trusting person. My wife pays the bills and covered up the phone bill. I just never saw it. One night I noticed that she got a text from a woman who’s name I didn’t recognize and my wife got defensive. It took me a couple of minutes to realize that it wasn’t a woman, it was just the name that was entered into my wife’s phone. I took the phone and called the number and sure enough it was a man. He says that they were just friends and shared a common bond over the fact that his daughter was being treated for depression and that it was just a friendship - nothing more. I’m having a hard time with this. I’m checking phone records and pay stubs. I’ve lost 15 pounds in two weeks. I’m living on coffee. I have loved my wife since the day I first saw her when I was 13. She went through RCIA and we were married in the church. She was married once before for a couple of years and had our oldest daughter during that marriage. She is now in therapy and I’m wanting us to go to Retrovaille. Any advice or help would be appreciated. Thanks.
 
hurthusband said:
My wife and I have been married for almost 24 years. I recently found out that she had exchanged over 5000 text messages and thousands of minutes of phone conversations over the last five months. My adult daughters have known since November, but I was clueless until it just hit me in the face. I think she finally told me about because she was afraid one of the girls was going to tell me. I later learned that a kiss was exchanged at some point. I’m a very trusting person. My wife pays the bills and covered up the phone bill. I just never saw it. One night I noticed that she got a text from a woman who’s name I didn’t recognize and my wife got defensive. It took me a couple of minutes to realize that it wasn’t a woman, it was just the name that was entered into my wife’s phone. I took the phone and called the number and sure enough it was a man. He says that they were just friends and shared a common bond over the fact that his daughter was being treated for depression and that it was just a friendship - nothing more. I’m having a hard time with this. I’m checking phone records and pay stubs. I’ve lost 15 pounds in two weeks. I’m living on coffee. I have loved my wife since the day I first saw her when I was 13. She went through RCIA and we were married in the church. She was married once before for a couple of years and had our oldest daughter during that marriage. She is now in therapy and I’m wanting us to go to Retrovaille. Any advice or help would be appreciated. Thanks.
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My advice, assume anything you know right now is at best half of what has actually happened thus far. Base your future decisions on that.
 
The problem is my mind is constantly racing in so many directions. I am not going to be a divorced person. I want to work things out. I want the truth, the whole truth and then I can deal with it. I don’t want to know a little at a time.
 
nodito said:
What does she say happened?
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She says they are/were friends. But c’mon 5000 texts. They talked 13 times on my daughter’s birthday and 10 times on my birthday. No telling how many texts were exchanged on those days. I’m trying to deal with this and cope and forgive, but I just don’t know.
 
I am so sorry. I understand the racing mind. I understand this must be just killing you, physically and emotionally and I am so very sorry for your pain.

I would take the time to just spill everything you are feeling and thinking onto a piece of paper just to get it out of your head. When I do this, it helps me calm down. It may take me a day or two of writing and crying but it does help.

Once I have written it all down, I can put it in my God Box after asking the Lord to take my difficulties because I am incapable of carrying this cross alone.

I would also make sure your assets are protected. I am serious about this - you do not want to come home and find that half your money is gone along with your wife and furniture. I would, if I were you, make sure than any joint accounts are secured and that any property you own is secured. If it means speaking to an attorney, do it. Protect yourself.

Take your pain to the crucifix. Be sure to tell your wife you love her every day, even though you want to say, “I love you but you have hurt me”. Just say I love you…and go about your business until you both can get the spiritual counseling you need.

YOu are in my prayers, my brother. again, I am so sorry…
 
LSK said:
I am so sorry. I understand the racing mind. I understand this must be just killing you, physically and emotionally and I am so very sorry for your pain.

I would take the time to just spill everything you are feeling and thinking onto a piece of paper just to get it out of your head. When I do this, it helps me calm down. It may take me a day or two of writing and crying but it does help.

Once I have written it all down, I can put it in my God Box after asking the Lord to take my difficulties because I am incapable of carrying this cross alone.

I would also make sure your assets are protected. I am serious about this - you do not want to come home and find that half your money is gone along with your wife and furniture. I would, if I were you, make sure than any joint accounts are secured and that any property you own is secured. If it means speaking to an attorney, do it. Protect yourself.

Take your pain to the crucifix. Be sure to tell your wife you love her every day, even though you want to say, “I love you but you have hurt me”. Just say I love you…and go about your business until you both can get the spiritual counseling you need.

YOu are in my prayers, my brother. again, I am so sorry…
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I tell her everyday how much I love her. We’ve gone on walks, gone to the mountains, gone out for drinks and to the movies, spent time with our grandson. we’re still in the same bed, still having marital relations, but she says she’s trying to figure out what she needs to be happy. Her therapist won’t see me because he knows I’m not going anywhere, so I’ll continue to go and sit in the waiting room and offer my support, but I need support too.
 
SamH said:
My advice, assume anything you know right now is at best half of what has actually happened thus far. Base your future decisions on that.
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Yeahhh… that was my thought on the issue as well…
 
hurthusband said:
She says they are/were friends. But c’mon 5000 texts. They talked 13 times on my daughter’s birthday and 10 times on my birthday. No telling how many texts were exchanged on those days. I’m trying to deal with this and cope and forgive, but I just don’t know.
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I think you would be safe in assuming you know a quarter of what has actually happened.
 
😦 I’m so sorry. That’s really all I can say. Protect yourself, your kids, and your assets at all costs, because your wife has shown that there’s nothing she won’t do.
 
SamH said:
I think you would be safe in assuming you know a quarter of what has actually happened.
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For the first time ever we agree.

He doesn’t know how physical this has gotten, how emotionally attached she is, if this has happened before, who knows about this but never told, what she has said about him to her affair partner and anyone else that will listen, the list goes on…
 
“I tell her everyday how much I love her. We’ve gone on walks, gone to the mountains, gone out for drinks and to the movies, spent time with our grandson. we’re still in the same bed, still having marital relations, but she says she’s trying to figure out what she needs to be happy. Her therapist won’t see me because he knows I’m not going anywhere, so I’ll continue to go and sit in the waiting room and offer my support, but I need support too.”

I found it incredible that a reputable thereapist would not talk to you, as well. It’s possible your wife requested that, because normally therapists envision marriage as a complete unit where both sides must function. If I were you, I’d get my own therapist. Contact your job ad see if they
have mental health benefits. If you have to pay for one on the outside, social workers are less expensive yet still very effective.

Good Luck and God Bless both of you as much loved children of God 🙂
 
I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I don’t really have any advice, but I have said a couple prayers for the Lord to give you strength, support, and wisdom. People who can’t keep their vows infuriate me to no end and it makes me even angrier that she is concerned about ‘what she needs to make her happy.’ what a bunch of baloney. It’s not about her. But I will also say a prayer that she wakes the heck up and realizes how wrong she is. And maybe a little one that the guys phone gets ran over by a truck…of course I wouldn’t wish for it to be in his pocket or anything like that…
 
Maybe I do have some advice. If it were me, I don’t think I would have sex with her again until she was tested for diseases.
 
Honestly I don’t think they had sex. Call me naive but I just don’t think it happened. I’m not protecting my assets because I don’t feel I need to right now. I’m still very optomistic. Her therapist isn’t seeing me right now because they are working on her issues first before possibly bring me in. I’m not worried about that either. The more I think about it, the more I feel that this will all be resolved. I’m a good man. Who wouldn’t want to stay with me?
 
hurthusband said:
Honestly I don’t think they had sex. Call me naive but I just don’t think it happened. I’m not protecting my assets because I don’t feel I need to right now. I’m still very optomistic. Her therapist isn’t seeing me right now because they are working on her issues first before possibly bring me in. I’m not worried about that either. The more I think about it, the more I feel that this will all be resolved. I’m a good man. Who wouldn’t want to stay with me?
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I am glad you are optimistic, but beware of denial. It’s not just a river in Africa.

As to your last question…who wouldve wanted to cheat on you in the first place?

I will keep you in my prayers.
 
hurthusband said:
My wife and I have been married for almost 24 years. I recently found out that she had exchanged over 5000 text messages and thousands of minutes of phone conversations over the last five months. My adult daughters have known since November, but I was clueless until it just hit me in the face. I think she finally told me about because she was afraid one of the girls was going to tell me. I later learned that a kiss was exchanged at some point. I’m a very trusting person. My wife pays the bills and covered up the phone bill. I just never saw it. One night I noticed that she got a text from a woman who’s name I didn’t recognize and my wife got defensive. It took me a couple of minutes to realize that it wasn’t a woman, it was just the name that was entered into my wife’s phone. I took the phone and called the number and sure enough it was a man. He says that they were just friends and shared a common bond over the fact that his daughter was being treated for depression and that it was just a friendship - nothing more. I’m having a hard time with this. I’m checking phone records and pay stubs. I’ve lost 15 pounds in two weeks. I’m living on coffee. I have loved my wife since the day I first saw her when I was 13. She went through RCIA and we were married in the church. She was married once before for a couple of years and had our oldest daughter during that marriage. She is now in therapy and I’m wanting us to go to Retrovaille. Any advice or help would be appreciated. Thanks.
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It sounds like you are doing all of the right things…however…what comes to mind for me is …emotional infedility…I believe that married people should be very careful in this area…men/husbands who work around females hear all sorts of things throughout the workday…females/wives who come in contact with men throughout the day over whatever curcumstances and begin engaging in heavy personal stuff put can easily put themselves in harms way…you haven’t stated how your marriage is otherwise…it would concern me my spouse had to have ongoing indebth conversations about ‘whatever’ with someone other than myself…if we are not growing together…we’re growing apart…I would suggest you both visit a Priest…and retroveaux (prbly spelled wrong) it a good place to start…if she is willing to go…I will remember you in my prayers…
 
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