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hurthusband
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Good advice. Believe me, I haven’t let my guard down for a second.
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Saturn5
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My deepest apologies. I had no intension of that coming across as an insult. I only meant that comment with the utmost charity. Seriously, being in the situation I am, my heart goes out to anyone else in relationship/marriage problems. I know the pain. I also know many people on this forum are here because of marriage challenges. I was only offering all I can offer.Nice insult, perhaps you should pray for forgiveness instead.
I’ve not had these kinds of struggles in my marriage but I have spent years working with children and have dealt with many adults that think only of themselves and care little for those around them. In this case the children are adults and were somehow forced to help their mother conceal her inappropriate relationship with another man from their father. I don’t have much tolerance for people that go out of their way to inflict pain on everyone they "love” so they can get what they want, when they want how they want. That level of selfishness doesn’t sudden appear one day and disappear the next. It’s an ongoing situation that has existed for years and only goes into hiding until its safe to act out again. I’ve watched mothers (and fathers) scream for forgiveness when caught inflicting various forms of torture to their family – then turn around and repeat the behavior when they thought no one would notice. Human nature being what it is tells me that this probably isn’t the first time for the wife nor will be the last. It’s just the first time she got caught.
I do not have the exposure to troubled marriages as you do. I can only comment on my marriage, the struggle my wife has and my own journey with Christ. I prefer to “kill 'em with kindness” as my father used to say. I generally assume positive intent…certainly with my wife and others that I interact with. I’ve been accused of being naive because of it. On the contray, I’m anything but naive. Without getting into too much detail, I have my own history and experience to draw on. I guess I humbly disagree with your statement on human nature and that someone is more than likely to be a “repeat offender” with bad behavior. I personally have been witness to a number of beautiful and moving transformations. I’d like to lump myself into that category, but I know I’m a sinner and recognize I have a TON of work to do yet.
And again with the OP’s plight in mind, I would repeat that had I kicked my wife to the curb when I discovered her emotional affair, our life and our children’s life would be far more chaotic, unsettling and setting up our children for potential dysfunctional marriages in the future. Is it a heavy cross to bear at times? You bet. But for the welfare of my wife and children it is one I gladly carry.
Again, my apologies. I am truly sorry for my previous post.
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SamH
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No one on this site is an expert on your situation, that would be impossible. But you did ask for advice on a public forum - you didn’t ask that only posters that affirm your decisions post.
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hurthusband
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Sam, You just come across a little too far on the negative side. I get it, really I do. I just choose to surround myself with positive people. Nothing that you’ve said has surprised me. I have thought about everything under the sun, both positively and negatively, and I’m still here. Nothing that’s going to happen is going to surprise me. I might be shocked, but I won’t be surprised. I have my bases covered.
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clem456
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MarkInOregon
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Sams point of view seems pretty clear. Your wife had an emotional affair and hid it. He thinks you should protect your assets - in case things don’t work out as you hope and pray they will. I’m not sure that is bad advice. I have seen clients taken to the cleaners --guys who never saw it coming. They were left devistated emotionally and in poor financial shape. Protecting yourself–seems prudent. The only objection I can see – is that it may make it seem, in your mind, that you’re preparing to end the marriage and not fight for it. I am not sure that is what it says though. You can work to save your marriage to the best of your ability but if your wife decides she doesn’t there is nothing you can do about in our society. From your posts I gather your wife says she wants to save the marriage and has, to best of your knowledge, cut off contact with this man. Yet, if it were me, I’d be troubled by her not wanting me in counseling with her–or at least in an additional joint counseling session with someone. (i will be the first to admit I don’t place great trust in many counselors today and I would be concerned about what he or she might be saying. Especially given the # of divorced marriage counselors. Is this a Catholic counselor by chance?). Her reluctance with Retrouvaille because of the follow-up sessions I also find troubling. Her not wanting you there to wait for her. This may all be normal but it would give me pause. I don’t think Sam means you any ill will and he probably hopes your marriage is restored to health–but I also think he believes you should be prepared for the worst. But I am sure Sam can speak for himself. Sams posts do read a little harsh to me–but we must guard against reading tone into posts unless the poster makes the tone clear. I will say this: Working toward the best and the desired result is not mutually exclusive from being prepared for the worst.
I wish you all the best and will keep you and your wife in my prayers.
Peace of Christ,
Mark
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mayxanh
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:thumbsup:well said
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SamH
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Not much in there about sending 5000 texts to a lover either.
Not much in there about changing the locks…
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hurthusband
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Mark, Did you see this - * I might be shocked, but I won’t be surprised. I have my bases covered. *Just so I’m clear - We are going to Retrouvaille March 15-17. Done deal. I already explained why she is in counseling alone right now. Her not wanting me there in the waiting room yesterday was to give her some space. I’m not worried about that right now. The financial end of things I’m not going to share except to say that I’m prepared if need be.
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SamH
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Exactly. Many people mistake brevity for what it isn’t.
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MarkInOregon
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Yes, but not till after I posted and I was glad to read it. From some of your early posts that was not clear and I, for one, got the impression the opposite was true. You don’t need to be clear or defend your actions to me (nor do I think they need defending) and I don’t think anyone is asking you to share your financial information and tell us how you are prepared. I think you’ve simply been advised that it doesn’t hurt to be prepared for the worst even as you work toward the best and you seem to have taken that as an affront. I know you’ve explained the reasons – I was simply pointing out that those things would give me pause even with the explanations you have given. I am sorry if that caused offense and seems unreasonable. I do commend you for what you are doing to try to save your marriage but as a Catholic I would have thought that went without saying. I apologize for any offense I have given as it was not intended and I will not trouble you further. I will simply pray you and for your wife and for your marriage.
The peace of Christ.
Mark
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MarkInOregon
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That is one of the draw backs of this form of interaction. I always try to read a post in the most charitable light. I don’t always succeed but I do try.
The peace of Christ,
Mark
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hurthusband
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Mark and Sam, You guys were right about everything. I probably won’t be post anything soon, looks like divorce is inevitable based on some things that happened at home last night. Turns out that I am shocked and I am surprised. Never thought I’d be in this dark, dark place.
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Saturn5
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I am so sorry to hear this Hurt. I am headed to Mass shortly and will offer it up for you and your wife.
I know it hurts, I know it feels dark…trust me, I’ve been there. Run to the light of Christ in this moment of pain and hurt. Stay strong brother. You will be in my prayers!
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E_7
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Oh come on, hurthusband! What happened to that man who wanted to follow God?? What happened to that man that couldn’t be defeated by the devil? Let me tell you something, sir, Jesus didn’t die to see you like this. He died to see you happy. You answered to his call to a married life. Jesus died for your future, work it out with His AMAZING GRACE! Don’t give up, Jesus didn’t. St. Francis of Assisi did’t. Be the man God created you to be and stand up, live your FAITH, carry your cross and keep on walking. Remember that God won’t give you a cross you can’t carry!! Keep that in mind. Keep being faithful to the Lord!!! Whatever you do, don’t do it for you, but for God, for His glory. As thanks because He loves you. Sacrifice = Love. Did you know that The Cross is an expression of love? When you see the cross you just don’t see suffering, but LOVE. Don’t give Satan the pleasure, and stand firm with St. Michael and St. Raphael and follow God’s commandments.
God bless you,
Elizabeth
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SamH
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Sorry for your loss. I hope you can make everything work out for the best in the end.
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Chantal25
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I am sorry for you to be so hurt, please talk with your priest. Jesus speaks to us this way, you need to talk to him.
I pray for your heart to heal and feel at peace!
I pray for your heart to heal and feel at peace!
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hurthusband
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I can only do so much. If she says its over, what can I do? I literally got sick to my stomach after she said its over. I had to go to the bathroom and my bowels emptied out, that kind of sick. And then I felt like I had hypothermia. That’s never happened too me before. I continue to pray all day, but there’s another force at work here that I’m fighting.
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E_7
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Get yourself a spiritual director and confessor. Isn’t there an Opus Dei center? they offer meditation, confession and spiritual guidance.
[BIBLEDRB]Matthew 19:3-11[/BIBLEDRB]
My friend, it isn’t over just because she says so.
[BIBLEDRB]Ephesians 6:12-13[/BIBLEDRB]
Take unto you the armour of God and fight!
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MarkInOregon
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I am very sorry to hear that. My heart goes out to you. I don’t think I can claim to be right about anything as I didn’t make any claims. I can’t imagine the pain you are in and I know if I had been in your shoes I probably would have reacted the same way–it is something I know about myself. Please stay close to the Lord in these dark times. I will continue to keep you in my prayers.
The Peace of Christ,
Mark
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