I need help! Wife issues

[Irishmom2]

My wife said she wanted to wait until after Easter to split up. I’ve decided why wait? People I’ve done everything I could possibly do. I’ve forgiven. I’ve been to Retrouvaille. I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed, but she’s done. Emotionally detached in the midst of a midlife hormonal thyroid menopause crisis. I’m calling the realtor today.

While I am very sorry to hear that things are not any better, I think maybe a separation may be needed, at least for a while. I would not rush into divorce. Sometimes, a separation is all that is needed for one or the other to see that they do want the other in their life and work things out. Maybe being out on her own will shake her senses, maybe not. But if this is not the case, you know that you did everything you could to salvage the marriage. Not everyone can say that.

God bless you hurthusband for trying to do the right thing.

 

[hurthusband]

While I am very sorry to hear that things are not any better, I think maybe a separation may be needed, at least for a while. I would not rush into divorce. Sometimes, a separation is all that is needed for one or the other to see that they do want the other in their life and work things out. Maybe being out on her own will shake her senses, maybe not. But if this is not the case, you know that you did everything you could to salvage the marriage. Not everyone can say that.

God bless you hurthusband for trying to do the right thing.

Obviously you know that I don’t want to rush into anything. I want to be a married man. I don’t want this. Separation can only happen for us if we sell the house. We cannot afford it otherwise. She wants to move closer to her work which means she’ll never see her children or grandson. She says she will, but it won’t happen. I’ll get a house somewhere near one of my daughters and I will stay active in their lives. The kids call me every day to see how I’m doing. They don’t speak to my wife eventhough I tell them that they need to have a relationship with her. That’s why I think there’s more to this whole thing. Every relationship she has in our family and friends has gone down the drain over the last several months.

 

[Irishmom2]

Obviously you know that I don’t want to rush into anything. I want to be a married man. I don’t want this. Separation can only happen for us if we sell the house. We cannot afford it otherwise. She wants to move closer to her work which means she’ll never see her children or grandson. She says she will, but it won’t happen. I’ll get a house somewhere near one of my daughters and I will stay active in their lives. The kids call me every day to see how I’m doing. They don’t speak to my wife eventhough I tell them that they need to have a relationship with her. That’s why I think there’s more to this whole thing. Every relationship she has in our family and friends has gone down the drain over the last several months.

If you need to sell the house, so be it.

You cannot change her, only she can. You just keep doing what you are doing with your family. I am sure they know what is going on. I would let your children contact your wife as they wish. It is clear to them she is not into a relationship with them now. Something is going on with your wife and only she can change it. All anyone can do is pray for her and be patient with her.

 

[Michael_Allen]

She’s made her decision. She’s not happy. She’s not going to be happy. Yes, I love her. Yes, we have 3 grown children and a grandson. Yes, we all adore her. Her therapist is for her. She does not share what they talk about and I respect her privacy. Yes, she takes medication for depression and high blood pressure. I will love her until the day I die. That’s not just the emotions talking. That’s the truth.

Then why pull the trigger and start the split, by selling the house, yourself?

 

[hurthusband]

I can’t live in limbo forever. I can’t have my wife tell me that our marriage is over and tell me she wants a divorce and not do something.

 

[Michael_Allen]

I can’t live in limbo forever. I can’t have my wife tell me that our marriage is over and tell me she wants a divorce and not do something.

If she is not proceeding with a divorce then her statements may be reflecting some turmoil within her. I would encourage you not to rush into anything yourself.

 

[Chantal25]

I can’t live in limbo forever. I can’t have my wife tell me that our marriage is over and tell me she wants a divorce and not do something.

I understand what you wrote and this is completely human and what many would do too. You truly tried hard as human, now about prayer? Did you read about Saint Monica, Saint Rita? In those days, divorce wasn’t an option and still not if you want to follow your faith as Catholic but let say, it wasn’t popular. They had no choice then to rely on prayer, well, their prayers weren’t in vain, their spouse converted.

Pray and don’t start the process for divorce, if she wants to divorce, she will have to do this by herself. In the mid time, take care of you and no need to wait for in limbo as you said, just pretend you are roommate period and move on. Once she feels you have moved on, something in me tell me she will reconsider.

You won’t be allow to get into another relationship anyway because your marriage is bound for life (if Catholic). So please don’t sell your house and stick to your gut.

I pray for you!

 

[clem456]

I understand what you wrote and this is completely human and what many would do too. You truly tried hard as human, now about prayer? Did you read about Saint Monica, Saint Rita? In those days, divorce wasn’t an option and still not if you want to follow your faith as Catholic but let say, it wasn’t popular. They had no choice then to rely on prayer, well, their prayers weren’t in vain, their spouse converted.

Pray and don’t start the process for divorce, if she wants to divorce, she will have to do this by herself. In the mid time, take care of you and no need to wait for in limbo as you said, just pretend you are roommate period and move on. Once she feels you have moved on, something in me tell me she will reconsider.

You won’t be allow to get into another relationship anyway because your marriage is bound for life (if Catholic). So please don’t sell your house and stick to your gut.

I pray for you!

I am with this approach 100%. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is prayerfully do nothing (which is actually doing a lot!). If you do not want divorce, why do things that encourage it?

You said you were intimate with your wife what, 2 nights ago? Given the circumstances, I would not be having intimate relations, although this is very common among separated and even divorced couples to “hook-up”. It’s usually done out of needy loneliness, not love. Intimacy under these circumstances is a lie. Live your marriage in light of the reality that you have. The two of you are not of one mind and heart right now, why should be of one body? Maybe sleep in the spare room? Have no expectations. If she has love for you it will happen.

 

[The_Bucket]

I am with this approach 100%. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is prayerfully do nothing (which is actually doing a lot!). If you do not want divorce, why do things that encourage it?

You said you were intimate with your wife what, 2 nights ago? Given the circumstances, I would not be having intimate relations, although this is very common among separated and even divorced couples to “hook-up”. It’s usually done out of needy loneliness, not love. Intimacy under these circumstances is a lie. Live your marriage in light of the reality that you have. The two of you are not of one mind and heart right now, why should be of one body? Maybe sleep in the spare room? Have no expectations. If she has love for you it will happen.

Well said clem.

If there needs to be a formal separation process so she can understand the gravity of her actions, so be it. But you OP said you want to be a married man. She says she wants a divorce but isn’t doing anything about it. Being the first to take legal action might not be the best decision.

As Chantal and clem have stated, you are not in limbo. You are mentally and spiritually separated. She’s isolated from family and friends. She has wounded you deeply so it is not your responsibility to reach out to her and relieve the anxiety she’s feeling. That would only serve to demonstrate that acts of betrayal do not have consequences.

But honestly, “hooking up” with her pretty much DOES tell her that she can do whatever she pleases but still have her anxiety relieved via sex. That’s a really bad idea. Do what clem says and live our your marriage as it stands now. She’s mentally separated so you need to physically separate. Whether making legal maneuvers now is a good idea is not something I would know. I’m not a lawyer.

 

[hurthusband]

I’m going to try and just chill out for a while. Just be a housemate and see what happens. I know she has friends contacting her who are telling her to work it out and one gold digger friend who is telling her to end it. So I’m going to try and sit back, lock myself away for awhile, go to all of the Easter week services with my mom and kids and see where that leads me. Thank you all for the words of encouragement.

 

[28562]

I can’t live in limbo forever. I can’t have my wife tell me that our marriage is over and tell me she wants a divorce and not do something.

You aren’t doing nothing. You are trying to be married, which is what you promised to her and God you would do. Don’t be the one to break the promise if it is going to be broken.

I have a friend that has been going through a similar situation as you for the past 2 years! He still hasn’t given up…I don’t know why or how. She uses him and he is happy to serve her and love her unconditionally. Society says he’s a doormat. I say he’s a better **man **than I am.

 

[Kmal_mom]

Dear HH…I am afraid I don’t have any inspiring words – just that if I could I would give you a ((hug)).
I am so sorry your are going through this. I can’t see who would want to cheat on you. Just from your posts you seem to be an amazing person - a rare gem. I think your wife is “blind” right now. You will be ok with --------or without her.
Hang in there.

Prayer of St. Teresa of Avila.
Let nothing disturb you, Nothing frighten you.

All things are passing. God never changes.

Patient endurance attains all things.

Whoever possesses God lacks nothing~

God alone is sufficient.

 

[hurthusband]

I’m hanging in there. Its tough, but I have the support of pretty much the whole family. I just don’t want anyone to pick a side. There are no winners or losers in this. I pray for everyone’s health and that the Holy Spirit softens my my wife’s heart and gives her some peace.

 

[mike2112]

Have you seen the movie Fireproof? - If not, you NEED to see it. It really got me tearing and displayed much about the conflicts that may arise between married couples. You’ve done so much - but remember to trust in Him.

Please watch it: You can find a DVD or watch it online on youtube: youtube.com/watch?v=kU1wvJXrTfc

 

[hurthusband]

Have you seen the movie Fireproof? - If not, you NEED to see it. It really got me tearing and displayed much about the conflicts that may arise between married couples. You’ve done so much - but remember to trust in Him.

Please watch it: You can find a DVD or watch it online on youtube: youtube.com/watch?v=kU1wvJXrTfc

What a coincidence. I did see some of it on tv the other day. Thanks for the you tube link. I’ll check it out. We had a great Easter weekend. I went to mass with my parents. Then we went to brunch with my parents, my mother in law, my sister’s family, my daughter and her boyfriend, and me and my wife. Had a great time. Then we spent the whole afternoon at my daughter’s new house with all of us and my daughter’s boyfriend’s family who we’ve known for a long time. Great day, great family and friends. Couldn’t have been any better. Oh, and the easter gift that I gave my wife really touched her heart.

 

[clem456]

God bless you and your wife and family.
I am reminded of this from St John of the Cross:

“…where there is no love, put love, and there you will draw out love”

 

[hurting]

Hurthusband,

Divorce sucks for all involved, and recognize that you are not dealing with a rational actor in your wife, at least not at this time based on what you’ve shared. Don’t let anyone tell you that involving the state in your marriage is not the equivalent of the nuclear option. If you are as serious as you seem to be about saving your sacramental marriage (technically you can’t really save it, it’s already there absent some impediment at the time you exchanged your vows), do not escalate, but absolutely get competent legal counsel, particularly about whether or not to leave your home.

Also do not assume that the therapy your wife is receiving is necessarily supportive of your marriage. It may very well not be.

Above all, pray.

 

[hurthusband]

Hurthusband,

Divorce sucks for all involved, and recognize that you are not dealing with a rational actor in your wife, at least not at this time based on what you’ve shared. Don’t let anyone tell you that involving the state in your marriage is not the equivalent of the nuclear option. If you are as serious as you seem to be about saving your sacramental marriage (technically you can’t really save it, it’s already there absent some impediment at the time you exchanged your vows), do not escalate, but absolutely get competent legal counsel, particularly about whether or not to leave your home.

Also do not assume that the therapy your wife is receiving is necessarily supportive of your marriage. It may very well not be.

Above all, pray.

Over the last several days there has been a definite turn in the right direction. I can’t elaborate. Just trust that things are moving in a good direction right now. No need to involve the legal system. The Holy Spirit is at work.

 

[clem456]

Over the last several days there has been a definite turn in the right direction. I can’t elaborate. Just trust that things are moving in a good direction right now. No need to involve the legal system. The Holy Spirit is at work.

That is so good to hear. So many people are praying for you and your wife.

 

[Saturn5]

Over the last several days there has been a definite turn in the right direction. I can’t elaborate. Just trust that things are moving in a good direction right now. No need to involve the legal system. The Holy Spirit is at work.

Alleluia! Excellent news HH! You have many people praying for you and this is an obvious outcome!