I need help! Wife issues

  • Thread starter Thread starter hurthusband
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Saturn5 said:
Alleluia! Excellent news HH! You have many people praying for you and this is an obvious outcome!
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Well, I mean, not everything is perfect. I’m a guy and I’d like to just fix everything in one day, but that’s just not the way that life works. I still have days where I wonder if things are going to work out. Wednesdays and Thursdays seem to be the toughest days because I start to analyze how the week is going. Is she trying? Is she not trying? When she says, “have a nice day at work” what does that mean? I need to tell myself to slow down and relax. This is going to be a long process one way or another. I have to balance giving her attention with giving her space. Its hard to know what to do or say.
 
hurting said:
Hurthusband,

Divorce sucks for all involved, and recognize that you are not dealing with a rational actor in your wife, at least not at this time based on what you’ve shared. Don’t let anyone tell you that involving the state in your marriage is not the equivalent of the nuclear option. If you are as serious as you seem to be about saving your sacramental marriage (technically you can’t really save it, it’s already there absent some impediment at the time you exchanged your vows), do not escalate,** but absolutely get competent legal counsel, particularly about whether or not to leave your home**.

Also do not assume that the therapy your wife is receiving is necessarily supportive of your marriage. It may very well not be.

.
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Please read this post again and follow the advice!
 
You are still in my prayer and your family. I am very happy that you are feeling more peaceful.

Blessings!
 
hurthusband said:
Well, I mean, not everything is perfect. I’m a guy and I’d like to just fix everything in one day, but that’s just not the way that life works. I still have days where I wonder if things are going to work out. Wednesdays and Thursdays seem to be the toughest days because I start to analyze how the week is going. Is she trying? Is she not trying? When she says, “have a nice day at work” what does that mean? I need to tell myself to slow down and relax. This is going to be a long process one way or another. I have to balance giving her attention with giving her space. Its hard to know what to do or say.
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Ah yes, the constant analysis. Been there, done that…still do it! But over the years, I try to keep my focus on offering it up when I get like that. “Thy will be done Lord”, is what I have to repeat about 15 million times in a row to stop the chess match going on it my head!

I understand the constant urge to “fix” things…I do it with my wife and our marriage as well. I just had to keep slamming my head against the brick wall enough times over the years to finally realize I can’t fix her, it’s only me. Occasionally I still end up with a bloody forehead however 😃 (ok, not literally…)

I think your words are prophetic. I look at my own marriage and understand it took my wife years to get to where she wanted to distance herself. It’s going to take her years to come back. I need to stay focused and be a good husband. I will confess I am in a really rough spot internally right now. One thing I try to have running through my head during these phases is “If today you hear God’s voice, harden not your heart”. I know when I get like this (distant, sullen…not my usual upbeat self) I am turning my back on Christ just as I am turning my back on my wife.

Someone once told me on this forum in one of my threads about my marriage was keep on hanging in there. She was in the same place my wife is now and it took several years for her to realize how great her husband was for not abandoning her. She said that she loved her husband more deeply then ever. So for me that is the goal, to get to that point where my wife loves me again. It may not happen, but as long as I have breath in my lungs, I will continue toward that goal.

I will pray for you and I both to have the strength necessary for achieving that!
 
Haven’t posted in a while, so hear goes - I haven’t heard the DIVORCE word in a while, or the SEPARATION word in a while either. We went away this past weekend to a little town nearby, although it seemed like a million miles from home because we didn’t know anyone and had never been there before. We had a great dinner together on Saturday night, great conversation(nothing heavy, we both said we wouldn’t get into any serious conversation because we were there to enjoy our time together). So we ate and drank and had a lot of laughs. It was really nice. We even slept in the same bed. Sunday morning we got up, had coffee together and slowly made our way back home. Progress? Yeah, I think so. I hope so.
 
Maybe your story, will turn into a movie some day or a great book.

You are in my prayer, love to you and your family!
 
hurthusband said:
Haven’t posted in a while, so hear goes - I haven’t heard the DIVORCE word in a while, or the SEPARATION word in a while either. We went away this past weekend to a little town nearby, although it seemed like a million miles from home because we didn’t know anyone and had never been there before. We had a great dinner together on Saturday night, great conversation(nothing heavy, we both said we wouldn’t get into any serious conversation because we were there to enjoy our time together). So we ate and drank and had a lot of laughs. It was really nice. We even slept in the same bed. Sunday morning we got up, had coffee together and slowly made our way back home. Progress? Yeah, I think so. I hope so.
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Keep this close to your heart. Wait a few weeks and repeat. Don’t overanalyze things, no matter how hard it is. You are a good man, and she may be realizing that now. God bless you and your wife.
 
Congrad, hurthusband on your efforts.

Keep on praying for yourself and her. God blesses
 
Thinking of you and praying that things are still getting better. And if not better, than at least, no worse. 👍
 
Hurthusband I am so happy that your feeling much more positive and happier. I hope that things are going well and you both continue to make progress in your marriage. I am in a very similar situation with my husband, so I understand how you’re feeling. Sending love and prayers :knight1:
 
Well everyone I’m back from being out of town for the last week. Have things gotten better? No, not really. Have things gotten worse? I’m really not sure. I literally just got into town and came pretty much straight to work. I stopped by the house to drop off my luggage and to take a shower. We are supposed to have a “talk” later today or tomorrow. I’m not expecting it to be very good. I tried to maitain contact with my wife while I was out of town. We talked on the phone some and texted some. I guess that’s good. However I know that her relationships with our kids have not improved and I have learned that several of her friends who have tried to contact her and recieved no response back from her. So I have to believe that its not just me. If I am removed from her life, her life won’t be any better, She’ll still have issues with her kids and her friends. This is not the person I married 24 years ago. I continue to offer my support every day. I continue to pray for her every day. I just son’t know how to stop her downward spiral. It’s very sad to watch this happen to someone who I love so much.
 
Hurthusband I am so sorry that things are still up in the air for you. I will continue to pray for you and your wife, and I hope she is able to confront what is changing her and overcome it. The fact that she is damaging her relationships with your children and her friends seems to suggest she is having deep emotional issues. I hope the medical cause if there is one is found soon, so that your marriage is saved and the relationships your wife is damaging.
 
Well it finally happened. She wants a divorce. I’m going to drag it out as long as possible, but be as pleasant as I can so I get what I want if and when it actually happens. I let her do most of the talking. She was obviously in a lot of mental anguish. She admitted that she feels like she has lost her kids. That they’ll never forgive her for breaking up the family. I’m not leaving the house until things are somewhat settled, but I’m not going to make myself available to mow the lawn or take out the trash or any of those kinds of things that get taken for granted. Its time for her to realize what life will be like without me around. I figure if I still make myself available I’ll be a doormat. I’m going to reant a storage unit and start moving my stuff out this weekend a little bit at a time and always do it while she’s at home. The whole thing is just so crazy.
 
Sorry to hear that. I’m going through the same thing. I told my wife if she was serious to have a proposal drawn up and I’ll look at it…if she does that I’m going to a lawyer the next day and have a counter proposal drawn up and well go from there. We have three minor children and one adult student in college after being together for 23 years. Things change, people change and once someone has reinforced their reasons to do something, right or wrong, it is hard to change their mind. My oldest sons want to stay withe and the twins at 12 aren’t sure what to think. I’m trying hard to be civil despite daily verbal abuse, neglect and most likely infidelity. It is very difficult. I’m not making any moves in the direction of separation or divorce , but coming up with a game plan, gathering legal papers that have been disappearing for some reason…be low key, see what she wants and then talk with a lawyer on your options. Let them hammer it out while you adjust mentally…take care, Tim
 
hurthusband said:
Well it finally happened. She wants a divorce. I’m going to drag it out as long as possible, but be as pleasant as I can so I get what I want if and when it actually happens. I let her do most of the talking. She was obviously in a lot of mental anguish. She admitted that she feels like she has lost her kids. That they’ll never forgive her for breaking up the family. I’m not leaving the house until things are somewhat settled, but I’m not going to make myself available to mow the lawn or take out the trash or any of those kinds of things that get taken for granted. Its time for her to realize what life will be like without me around. I figure if I still make myself available I’ll be a doormat. I’m going to reant a storage unit and start moving my stuff out this weekend a little bit at a time and always do it while she’s at home. The whole thing is just so crazy.
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I am sorry it has come to this hurthusband.

But let me ask you this…Why are YOU the one getting ready to leave when SHE is the one that wants the divorce? If she wants out, tell her that she needs to be the one to go.
 
Prayers for you. Sounds like you have been as charitable and giving as possible, as well as prudent with your affairs. It’s all you can do.
 
Irishmom2 said:
I am sorry it has come to this hurthusband.

But let me ask you this…Why are YOU the one getting ready to leave when SHE is the one that wants the divorce? If she wants out, tell her that she needs to be the one to go.
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We bought our house with her elderly mother several years ago. I’m not going to ask my mother in law to be uprooted from her home right now. The house will have to be sold, so its going to happen anyways. I’m not going to stop my financial obligations or get myself in any trouble. I just think that if I want reconciliation, it’s best for me to make myself scarce for a while, so she can see what life will be like without me around.
 
hurthusband said:
We bought our house with her elderly mother several years ago. I’m not going to ask my mother in law to be uprooted from her home right now. The house will have to be sold, so its going to happen anyways. I’m not going to stop my financial obligations or get myself in any trouble. I just think that if I want reconciliation, it’s best for me to make myself scarce for a while, so she can see what life will be like without me around.
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I see how that makes sense then. I did not know that your MIL was living with you. Does she have anything to say to you about what her daughter is doing and her relationships with her children?
 
Irishmom2 said:
I see how that makes sense then. I did not know that your MIL was living with you. Does she have anything to say to you about what her daughter is doing and her relationships with her children?
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My mother in law is not happy that we are getting a divorce. She told me personally that she doesn’t want it to happen. Oddly enough, my mother in law is also estranged from her children. They only come around when they need something and rarely include her in much of their plans. For instance, I’m the only one who gets her flowers for Valentine’s Day. Why wouldn’t her kids do something like that?
 
hurthusband said:
My mother in law is not happy that we are getting a divorce. She told me personally that she doesn’t want it to happen. Oddly enough, my mother in law is also estranged from her children. They only come around when they need something and rarely include her in much of their plans. For instance, I’m the only one who gets her flowers for Valentine’s Day. Why wouldn’t her kids do something like that?
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That is odd. Kind of makes you wonder what was modelled for your wife and her siblings as children. Do you know much about her upbringing? (Bless you for getting her flowers, btw.)
 
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