I need help! Wife issues

[qui_est_ce]

Im sorry things were that way. It seems that you have a peace about it though. I’m going to seek an annulment with the Church. I don’t think I can heal unless my soul is unbound to hers…

That’s really a good way to look at it. I had thought about seeking an annulment, but so far have not pursued it, thinking I made the right choice at the time of our marriage, but EXH just “changed.”

I do still feel bound, even though he has gone ahead and remarried twice more after our divorce.

I’ll have to think about that!

 

[hurthusband]

hurthusband and Samson, you both sound like upstanding guys. You know, that saying really is true: “Living well is the best revenge.” And by living well, I mean living without the stress and the emotional roller coaster lives you have been leading. I wish you both a peaceful life with your children around you.God bless you both.

You’re absolutely right, and that’s what I’m doing. My son is home from college, living with me away from the craziness. We are having a great time together. We don’t have a lot of money to go out and do stuff, but you can’t put a price on our time together.

 

[Samson01]

You’re absolutely right, and that’s what I’m doing. My son is home from college, living with me away from the craziness. We are having a great time together. We don’t have a lot of money to go out and do stuff, but you can’t put a price on our time together.

Strange cowinkadink… My oldest son is home from school this summer as well. Was thinking of a camping trip down to Hatteras when things settle a bit. We used to camp on the beach at state parks along the eastern shore…the trips didn’t cost much…just have to bring shade and sunscreen.

 

[hurting]

I’m pretty much in the same boat, but I grabbed a lot of paperwork when I moved out, and now she can’t find everything she needs. Too bad for her. I have a couple of cards that I haven’t played for leverage. Info that she wouldn’t want people to know about. Mothers Day was lonely for her since our kids didn’t spend any time with her. You’d think she would get a clue about how her behavior has affected her relationships with me, her kids, her family and her friends, but its like these women are on drugs. **Their judgement is so bad. Don’t they know their lives are going to take a turn for the worse?/**quote]

The answer to the bolded question above is “No, no, hell no.”. Secular society has filled people with all manner of wrongheaded notions about what constitutes happiness and has enlisted every institution, up to and including the Church, in promulgating a lie. These institutions have incentivized people to destroy their own lives and the lives of those around them, including their children. These incentives primarily benefit women - hence the ridiculously lopsided filing rates of divorce in this country (60-75% of divorces are filed by women).

As I have cautioned before, please be prepared for the acrimony to get worse as you proceed thorugh the divorce and beyond. Your wife will have to rationalize the damage she is dong to you and her children by making you out to be the villain, or at least moreso than she is already doing.

My convenience sample of one destroed family counts for nothing in the grand scheme of things, but I am here to tell you that divorce is utter and pure hell on those affected by it - namely the children. I have the report cards and behavioral problems to prove it, but the sad, empty, disheartened visages of my wonderful sons should shock anyone into clarity, including their mother who purports to love them. Sadly they have not.

 

[hurthusband]

We are going to the back country of Yosemite the week of July 4th. Its going to be beautiful.

 

[Samson01]

hurthusband;10808608:

I’m pretty much in the same boat, but I grabbed a lot of paperwork when I moved out, and now she can’t find everything she needs. Too bad for her. I have a couple of cards that I haven’t played for leverage. Info that she wouldn’t want people to know about. Mothers Day was lonely for her since our kids didn’t spend any time with her. You’d think she would get a clue about how her behavior has affected her relationships with me, her kids, her family and her friends, but its like these women are on drugs. Their judgement is so bad. Don’t they know their lives are going to take a turn for the worse?/

quote]

The answer to the bolded question above is “No, no, hell no.”. Secular society has filled people with all manner of wrongheaded notions about what constitutes happiness and has enlisted every institution, up to and including the Church, in promulgating a lie. These institutions have incentivized people to destroy their own lives and the lives of those around them, including their children. These incentives primarily benefit women - hence the ridiculously lopsided filing rates of divorce in this country (60-75% of divorces are filed by women).

As I have cautioned before, please be prepared for the acrimony to get worse as you proceed thorugh the divorce and beyond. Your wife will have to rationalize the damage she is dong to you and her children by making you out to be the villain, or at least moreso than she is already doing.

My convenience sample of one destroed family counts for nothing in the grand scheme of things, but I am here to tell you that divorce is utter and pure hell on those affected by it - namely the children. I have the report cards and behavioral problems to prove it, but the sad, empty, disheartened visages of my wonderful sons should shock anyone into clarity, including their mother who purports to love them. Sadly they have not.Your right about that…my wife has been playing up to have a mediation agreement before she files. She promises a few things to including the house my dad gave me before we met…using that as leverage for me to ask for nothing on return. But since she went to work for the fed govnt six years ago, she has hidden funds, accounts, retirement plans…she knows that if she files she will have to reveal them or be at risk of loosing security clearance, hence so she wants an agreement first…I’ll go to mediation with a game face, hash out a plan on what’s on the table, get a copy, and walk out without a verbal or legal agreement to take to a lawyer if my own to look over and advise. I called around to set up a consultation and the first person I talked to told me he is already giving my wife counsel and couldn’t help me. She still plays on mediation but has other intentions. She will delay filing til she sees she isn’t gaining ground because it will freeze assets she is trying to sell. For me it is about damage control. I may be forced to file if she doesn’t. This all stinks and is filthy business.

 

[Irishmom2]

Strange cowinkadink… My oldest son is home from school this summer as well. Was thinking of a camping trip down to Hatteras when things settle a bit. We used to camp on the beach at state parks along the eastern shore…the trips didn’t cost much…just have to bring shade and sunscreen.

We are going to the back country of Yosemite the week of July 4th. Its going to be beautiful.

Now that’s what I’m talking about! I hope you both have great times, and make lots of new memories!

 

[MarkInOregon]

hurthusband and Samson, you both sound like upstanding guys. You know, that saying really is true: “Living well is the best revenge.” And by living well, I mean living without the stress and the emotional roller coaster lives you have been leading. I wish you both a peaceful life with your children around you.God bless you both.

I have been uncomfortable with the turn of tone on the thread. There now seems to be this attitude of “showing her” or of “moving on” as a sort of revenge rather than as a way of healing from the wounds and the hurt she has caused. There is almost a tone of happiness if things are going poorly for her. I could be reading it wrong, but that is the impression I get as I read the most recent posts. And while I often find myself tempted to these same attitudes and feelings–I think, as Christians, we are called to rise above that. We marry for better or worse, in sicknes and in health–Hurthusband appears to have tried to do this – we can’t force someone who has decided to divorce us to stay married to us as cause for divorce no longer has to be shown. In hurt husbands case – from what he has said – it sounds as if his wife suffers from some sort of mental disorder - a sickness. We should not revel in or be happy when things go badly for her – even if they are of her own making or because she has caused so much pain and hurt. If she suffers from some sort of illness we should be praying for her - not being glad in her misfortune. I would go further and say that we should pray for her even if she didn’t suffer from an illness. It is easy to pray for and offer support to the victim. I feel terribly sad for both of them. Mental illness in any form is terrible to live with but I think depression is especially insideous because it is often so hard to see and we often think those who suffer from it are normal. I would hope we could all find it in our hearts to pray for them both–for healing and for comfort and that God may show them both the way in these extremely trying and difficult times.

I pray that Hurthusband find strength and comfort in the Lord. I pray that he find what God may no be calling him to now. I pray that he finds the strength to do what is right and just in the divorce proceedings and not seek to “stick it to” the woman who is the mother of children, to whom he was married for so many years, in order to exact some sort of revenge for all the hurt and pain he has gone through, is currently going through and will continue to go through. Hurthusband has sounded, to me, as someone who will find a way to do these very things through his pain and sorrow and hurt.

The peace of Christ,
Mark

 

[hurthusband]

Mark,

Well said. I still reach out to her every day. I tell her that I’m praying for us, for her, for lots of things. I don’t wish for anything bad to happen in her life. I just think she lost herself along the way, and hasn’t thought htings out very well. Life is not like a Disney movie. Somewhere between her depression medication, some negative influences that she met through her job, an influencial friend or two, and not going through with a counciling program, she ended up in a place where she has made some poor decisions that are going to affect the rest of her life, my life and the lives of our families. Its a true tragedy. A heart breaking life experience.

 

[Irishmom2]

I have been uncomfortable with the turn of tone on the thread. There now seems to be this attitude of “showing her” or of “moving on” as a sort of revenge rather than as a way of healing from the wounds and the hurt she has caused. There is almost a tone of happiness if things are going poorly for her. I could be reading it wrong, but that is the impression I get as I read the most recent posts. And while I often find myself tempted to these same attitudes and feelings–I think, as Christians, we are called to rise above that. We marry for better or worse, in sicknes and in health–Hurthusband appears to have tried to do this – we can’t force someone who has decided to divorce us to stay married to us as cause for divorce no longer has to be shown. In hurt husbands case – from what he has said – it sounds as if his wife suffers from some sort of mental disorder - a sickness. We should not revel in or be happy when things go badly for her – even if they are of her own making or because she has caused so much pain and hurt. If she suffers from some sort of illness we should be praying for her - not being glad in her misfortune. I would go further and say that we should pray for her even if she didn’t suffer from an illness. It is easy to pray for and offer support to the victim. I feel terribly sad for both of them. Mental illness in any form is terrible to live with but I think depression is especially insideous because it is often so hard to see and we often think those who suffer from it are normal. I would hope we could all find it in our hearts to pray for them both–for healing and for comfort and that God may show them both the way in these extremely trying and difficult times.

I pray that Hurthusband find strength and comfort in the Lord. I pray that he find what God may no be calling him to now. I pray that he finds the strength to do what is right and just in the divorce proceedings and not seek to “stick it to” the woman who is the mother of children, to whom he was married for so many years, in order to exact some sort of revenge for all the hurt and pain he has gone through, is currently going through and will continue to go through. Hurthusband has sounded, to me, as someone who will find a way to do these very things through his pain and sorrow and hurt.

The peace of Christ,
Mark

Mark, since you chose to quote me and then try to make it sound like I am saying or encouraging something that I am not, please, tell me where I have said any of the things you have said that I have highlighted in red?

The only thing I said about revenge was that my idea of the best revenge in is living well. (Does that imply any sort of meanness toward his wife? No, it does not.) Especially since I even went on to say that they should have peaceful lives as my idea of living well. (Again, is that mean or negative toward his wife? No.)

Have you read everything in this thread? No one is telling hurthusband to go out and do anything that is hurtful to his wife as an act of vengeance, only to protect himself.

And please, do not assume that prayers have not been offered for both hurthusband and for his wife.

 

[MarkInOregon]

Mark, since you chose to quote me and then try to make it sound like I am saying or encouraging something that I am not, please, tell me where I have said any of the things you have said that I have highlighted in red?

The only thing I said about revenge was that my idea of the best revenge in is living well. (Does that imply any sort of meanness toward his wife? No, it does not.) Especially since I even went on to say that they should have peaceful lives as my idea of living well. (Again, is that mean or negative toward his wife? No.)

Have you read everything in this thread? No one is telling hurthusband to go out and do anything that is hurtful to his wife as an act of vengeance, only to protect himself.

And please, do not assume that prayers have not been offered for both hurthusband and for his wife.

My sincerest apologies. I was not singling you out by quoting you - nor did I mean to imply that you were encouraging any type of behavior. Your post that I quoted explained what you meant by the phase - so what you meant, I thought, was obvious to all. I quoted it simply because it was on the last page and it used the word revenge. Reading your response it is clear that I should not have quoted any post but simply stated my feelings in a post with no quote. Again I apologize for obviously offending you greatly and I ask for your forgivemess.

Again I did not mean to imply you said any of the things you highlighted in red. I do however think the word “revenge” implies something based on the meaning of the word–I was commenting on that idea—I am not now nor was I then suggesting or implying that it is what you meant. I thought you explained yourself well in your post.

Once again I apologize, and will try to be more clear in the future - though given my limitations I will probably fail.

The peace of Christ,
Mark

 

[hurting]

hurting;10812376:

Your right about that…my wife has been playing up to have a mediation agreement before she files. She promises a few things to including the house my dad gave me before we met…using that as leverage for me to ask for nothing on return. But since she went to work for the fed govnt six years ago, she has hidden funds, accounts, retirement plans…she knows that if she files she will have to reveal them or be at risk of loosing security clearance, hence so she wants an agreement first…I’ll go to mediation with a game face, hash out a plan on what’s on the table, get a copy, and walk out without a verbal or legal agreement to take to a lawyer if my own to look over and advise. I called around to set up a consultation and the first person I talked to told me he is already giving my wife counsel and couldn’t help me. She still plays on mediation but has other intentions. She will delay filing til she sees she isn’t gaining ground because it will freeze assets she is trying to sell. For me it is about damage control. I may be forced to file if she doesn’t. This all stinks and is filthy business

.

Indeed. I could write a book on all of the horrors of the domestic relations law in the U.S. ranging from policy to procedure. At the risk of being accused of ‘sour grapes’, i can honestly say that my wife’s attorney is one of the most incompetent and unethical people I have ever met in my life. He clearly led her to believe that the outcome would be much more favorable to her than it was (and believe me, it still was very favorable). I will never forget her calling me in an absolutely apoplectic state when she found out that she could not collect on my pension unless/until I did. She had counted on cashing out her share to pay off thousands in creditors (including him) and ended up having to file bankruptcy instead. He should have told her this would be the outcome - either he did not know or he failed to tell her; either way, gross incompetence.

The system is set up for the benefit of the insiders. The rest of us are just grist for the mill.

 

[qui_est_ce]

You’re absolutely right, and that’s what I’m doing. My son is home from college, living with me away from the craziness. We are having a great time together. We don’t have a lot of money to go out and do stuff, but you can’t put a price on our time together.

That is AWESOME! My daughter just graduated college and got a job in a close by city. We are both SO HAPPY that we are living close together. Her dad (EXH) came down for the graduation. He hadn’t visited her ONCE for the entire four years she was there, and didn’t give her $0.01 to help pay her tuition or any expenses, to say nothing of moral support. But he was the gloating narcissist at the graduation party. Like you, we didn’t have a lot of money, but that great feeling of joy for your children’s accomplishments far outweighs money. :harp: My “vacations” for the last four years were going to Springfield to visit her for a day or two.

My son bought a home in St. Louis in the neighborhood where I raised them. (I downsized and moved to a condo after my daughter, the youngest, left for college) He said, “Mom, this is my home, my neighborhood where I used to ride my bike.”

WOW, I really gave them a home they cherished. :heaven:

 

[qui_est_ce]

Samson01;10812585:

Indeed. I could write a book on all of the horrors of the domestic relations law in the U.S. ranging from policy to procedure. At the risk of being accused of ‘sour grapes’, i can honestly say that my wife’s attorney is one of the most incompetent and unethical people I have ever met in my life. He clearly led her to believe that the outcome would be much more favorable to her than it was (and believe me, it still was very favorable). I will never forget her calling me in an absolutely apoplectic state when she found out that she could not collect on my pension unless/until I did. She had counted on cashing out her share to pay off thousands in creditors (including him) and ended up having to file bankruptcy instead. He should have told her this would be the outcome - either he did not know or he failed to tell her; either way, gross incompetence.

**The system is set up for the benefit of the insiders. **

The rest of us are just grist for the mill.

All of it.

 

[qui_est_ce]

The answer to the bolded question above is “No, no, hell no.”. Secular society has filled people with all manner of wrongheaded notions about what constitutes happiness and has enlisted every institution, up to and including the Church, in promulgating a lie. These institutions have incentivized people to destroy their own lives and the lives of those around them, including their children. These incentives primarily benefit women - hence the ridiculously lopsided filing rates of divorce in this country (60-75% of divorces are filed by women).

As I have cautioned before, please be prepared for the acrimony to get worse as you proceed thorugh the divorce and beyond. Your wife will have to rationalize the damage she is dong to you and her children by making you out to be the villain, or at least moreso than she is already doing.

My convenience sample of one destroed family counts for nothing in the grand scheme of things, but I am here to tell you that divorce is utter and pure hell on those affected by it - namely the children. I have the report cards and behavioral problems to prove it, but the sad, empty, disheartened visages of my wonderful sons should shock anyone into clarity, including their mother who purports to love them. Sadly they have not.

I couldn’t have said it better. Divorce is living Hell, especially for the children.

Society tells you divorce will solve your problems and makes it “easy” to get one.

I swear our marriage counselor was a divorce counselor. He said he’d never seen a marriage as bad as ours. It was bad, but it’s not like he was hitting me or the kids, or was a drunk or a philanderer.

 

[Samson01]

Samson01;10812585:

Indeed. I could write a book on all of the horrors of the domestic relations law in the U.S. ranging from policy to procedure. At the risk of being accused of ‘sour grapes’, i can honestly say that my wife’s attorney is one of the most incompetent and unethical people I have ever met in my life. He clearly led her to believe that the outcome would be much more favorable to her than it was (and believe me, it still was very favorable). I will never forget her calling me in an absolutely apoplectic state when she found out that she could not collect on my pension unless/until I did. She had counted on cashing out her share to pay off thousands in creditors (including him) and ended up having to file bankruptcy instead. He should have told her this would be the outcome - either he did not know or he failed to tell her; either way, gross incompetence.

The system is set up for the benefit of the insiders. The rest of us are just grist for the mill.

Yeah, I’m finding that out. Was told that lawyers are experts at separating you from your money…I’m glad you mentioned the pension/retirement…that is financial info I don’t have concerning her job…I have to take that into consideration prior to any mediation. I got counsel this morning and was told she put me in a very difficult situation, which I knew anyways. Looks like it is cut and dry 50/50 on marital property, I’ll have to pay half of her credit card debt, maybe some of her student loans, and child support based on minimum wage…even with her making six digits. It burns my head about the credit cards because of her purchases to benefit her Bo…there’s no way to prove that unless I get detailed statements and she can say anything to write it off. So all in all, I loose my family, have some capital under 80k, debt I can’t pay, and payments every month for six years. I’m really on the edge of loosing it.

 

[qui_est_ce]

Yeah, I’m finding that out. Was told that lawyers are experts at separating you from your money…I’m glad you mentioned the pension/retirement…that is financial info I don’t have concerning her job…I have to take that into consideration prior to any mediation. I got counsel this morning and was told she put me in a very difficult situation, which I knew anyways. Looks like it is cut and dry 50/50 on marital property, I’ll have to pay half of her credit card debt, maybe some of her student loans, and child support based on minimum wage…even with her making six digits. It burns my head about the credit cards because of her purchases to benefit her Bo…there’s no way to prove that unless I get detailed statements and she can say anything to write it off. So all in all, I loose my family, have some capital under 80k, debt I can’t pay, and payments every month for six years. I’m really on the edge of loosing it.

Why are you paying child support??? Don’t you share custody?

 

[Samson01]

Samson01;10815486:

Why are you paying child support??? Don’t you share custody?

In WV, it is assumed that there will be joint custody, mandatory parenting classes, and mediation during divorce proceedings, but there will be a primary custodian that is eligible for child support. Really the only thing you can do is have the court require that a portion of support be put into an education accent and have the custodian match said amounts. This is usually done if requested, shows concern for the children, guarantees that some money isn’t misused.

 

[qui_est_ce]

In WV, it is assumed that there will be joint custody, mandatory parenting classes, and mediation during divorce proceedings, but there will be a primary custodian that is eligible for child support. Really the only thing you can do is have the court require that a portion of support be put into an education accent and have the custodian match said amounts. This is usually done if requested, shows concern for the children, guarantees that some money isn’t misused.

ok.

 

[hurting]

ok.

Not sure of the laws in Samson’s state, but there is a huge financial incentive for one party to get primary physical custody (this is what drives divorce in many cases). The tender years doctrine, which posits that children need their mother more than their father, informs the proceedings of the U.S. system.