I need help! Wife issues

[hurthusband]

We actually had a nice exchange yesterday. She asked me to come and pick up some mail and I said that I would if we could agree to be cordial. We agreed. I went over to the house. She met me outside, told me I looked good (I haven’t been this tan in years) I told her she did too. She made a little comment about having to work so many hours to pay the bills and wondered when she could get my car. I told her that we were getting away from being cordial and she agreed. She handed me some shirts that she had washed and ironed for me. That was surprising. We hugged and I left. I think she’s feeling overworked, maybe a little run down, definitely tired of working 6 days a week. I’m glad that I went over there looking tanned and fit. I’m trying to stay positive and just let my lawyer do the work now.

 

[Martin66]

CaliLobo, I don’t think women suck, but it does hurt when you are the party which was betrayed. It’s also hard to figure out, if you were able to date and remarry (i.e., annullment) how you could even begin to trust anyone again with your heart.

It bothers me how many people are quick to make judgements about whether a marriage should or should not be annulled, based on a few posts. Everyone needs to accept that none of us are fit judges, and thats why the church has a process in place for discerning the truth. Many so called perfect marriages end in divorce because of a hidden impairment that kept them from being valid from the very beginning. It may take 10, 20 or more years for that imperfection to manifest itself in the way of abuse, an affair, or emotional abandonment. Let’s leave the judging to God and his holy church.

When my wife cheated on me then asked for a divorce, I pledged to fight annullment to the bitter end. After several months of deep thought, and prayer too, I can see many cracks and problems that were there even when we were dating that would have resulted in the marriage failing. It’s so hard to see these issues when you are in the marriage and things seem to be going well. Now I am not going to “fight” the annullment, but to give my honest assessment of the marriage, both good and bad. I will leave the fate of our marriage in the hands of the Lord. My wife, who wants to marry her paramour, will likely never know true love or happiness in that relationship is she is allowed to remarry.

 

[Mikeydell]

HH, sometimes ex-wives/husbands become the best of friends. Just cover your assets and go with the flow!

Always expect the unexpected - I said that in an earlier post too!

God bless and much peace!

Mike

 

[MarkInOregon]

Tell that to the OP, me, and the billions who are dealing with breakup from women in this world.

And I don’t appreciate your libel about my attitude.

So what about all the women in the world who are dealing with breakup form men in this world? This runs both ways you know.

Peace of Christ,
Mark

 

[hurthusband]

We’ll never be best of friends. I couldn’t be friends after this. I just want to be cordial. At least until everything is settled.

 

[Samson01]

Hurthusband, my prayers are with you. Hard for me to adjust, but learning more about myself. Prayers help.

 

[kbachler]

We’ll never be best of friends. I couldn’t be friends after this. I just want to be cordial. At least until everything is settled.

Understood. I’m still curious about the aunt. Do her relatives know about the ongoing affair? If not, not as a matter of vindictiveness but as a matter of shaking things up, have you considered outing her?

 

[hurthusband]

Understood. I’m still curious about the aunt. Do her relatives know about the ongoing affair? If not, not as a matter of vindictiveness but as a matter of shaking things up, have you considered outing her?

I don’t know what any of them know. Its really not important. It won’t change anything. I don’t wish my wife any harm in any way whatsoever. I’m just in protect mode now. I’m a good man, and this isn’t going to change me.

 

[maltmom]

I don’t know what any of them know. Its really not important. It won’t change anything. I don’t wish my wife any harm in any way whatsoever. I’m just in protect mode now. I’m a good man, and this isn’t going to change me.

Continue to stay true to yourself and watch your back. Considering all you’ve been through, you’re doing really well.

 

[kbachler]

I don’t know what any of them know. Its really not important. It won’t change anything. I don’t wish my wife any harm in any way whatsoever. I’m just in protect mode now. I’m a good man, and this isn’t going to change me.

No one said you weren’t a good man. But will it change anything? Well, the light changes people. And, if she has lied to relatives about you, it may also be affecting them not only in relation to you but in relation to their belief in your faith, their belief in Catholicism. Are they thinking you’re some kind of hypocrite because they believe you’ve done something you haven’t?

Reputations are important. If someone told me I was at fault for something I wasn’t, I’d want to know why they said that. I’d want to set the record straight - not to punish her, but to protect my own reputation. I’m confused as to why that isn’t what you want.

 

[hurthusband]

No one said you weren’t a good man. But will it change anything? Well, the light changes people. And, if she has lied to relatives about you, it may also be affecting them not only in relation to you but in relation to their belief in your faith, their belief in Catholicism. Are they thinking you’re some kind of hypocrite because they believe you’ve done something you haven’t?

Reputations are important. If someone told me I was at fault for something I wasn’t, I’d want to know why they said that. I’d want to set the record straight - not to punish her, but to protect my own reputation. I’m confused as to why that isn’t what you want.

My reputation is in tact with all of the people that I care about - my family, friends, co-workers, people in the community, etc.Her aunt and her mother grew up in the same trailer park. They are just closing ranks and protecting their kin. Even when our marriage was good I’d never listen to the mom or the aunt. They aren’t stable people. You can see it in their eyes.

 

[Herrobp]

I just read every post you wrote, Hurt Husband, in one sitting. I’m so sorry for you. Your story is just like mine. My wife had an emotional affair three years ago. We’ve gone to counselling (Christian Counselling) because she was “done” with marriage. So I did everything I could to become a better man, and did. Things started “improving” to the point that at joint sessions she’d tell me and the counselor that things were “really good.” She did that a month ago and has been doing it for a solid year now. “Things are good”, “things are really good”, blah, blah, blah. Then two weeks ago, she said the feelings never came back and she wants out. This after convincing me to go 30k in debt to go back to school for an MBA because I didn’t make enough money doing something I loved doing (social work). So now I’m 1 semester from graduating, 30k in debt (would be 40, but I told her I refuse to take out a loan for the last 10k–because I wouldn’t have agreed to go back to school if I had known she was leaving–she agreed to pay for it). Where you are now, is where I’ll be in 6 months. And it’s devastating, because my kids are 5 and 8.

Are there things you would have done differently in the last few months to make it easier? I’m looking for anything I can do. Even trying to convince her to do the Retrouvaille thing. I was super excited about it, but reading about your wife’s non-response has tempered my enthusiasm. I just don’t want it to end this way (nine years of marriage down the tubes). I hurt for you man. As bad as 9 are I can’t imagine 24. God bless you. I’ll pray. Please pray for me.

 

[hurthusband]

Number one, don’t beg her to stay. Don’t try to convince her that she’s making a mistake. Don’t try to fix things.
Number two. Start protecting yourself. Define that however you want. Watch your assets, your money, your personal belongings, bank accounts, credit cards.
If she wants out, let her go. Soonds like you convinced her to stay for a while and she faked the whole thing.
You’re going to feel like your whole world is crumbling around you, but family and friends and prayer will get you through it. There is someone out there for you, but first take care of your business. And take care of those kids. Be the best dad you can possibly be.

 

[qui_est_ce]

I just read every post you wrote, Hurt Husband, in one sitting. I’m so sorry for you. Your story is just like mine. My wife had an emotional affair three years ago. We’ve gone to counselling (Christian Counselling) because she was “done” with marriage. So I did everything I could to become a better man, and did. Things started “improving” to the point that at joint sessions she’d tell me and the counselor that things were “really good.” She did that a month ago and has been doing it for a solid year now. “Things are good”, “things are really good”, blah, blah, blah. Then two weeks ago, she said the feelings never came back and she wants out. This after convincing me to go 30k in debt to go back to school for an MBA because I didn’t make enough money doing something I loved doing (social work). So now I’m 1 semester from graduating, 30k in debt (would be 40, but I told her I refuse to take out a loan for the last 10k–because I wouldn’t have agreed to go back to school if I had known she was leaving–she agreed to pay for it). Where you are now, is where I’ll be in 6 months. And it’s devastating, because my kids are 5 and 8.

Are there things you would have done differently in the last few months to make it easier? I’m looking for anything I can do. Even trying to convince her to do the Retrouvaille thing. I was super excited about it, but reading about your wife’s non-response has tempered my enthusiasm. I just don’t want it to end this way (nine years of marriage down the tubes). I hurt for you man. As bad as 9 are I can’t imagine 24. God bless you. I’ll pray. Please pray for me.

Oh my word, such little kids. I cannot imagine abandoning them. God bless you. You are in my prayers.

 

[qui_est_ce]

Number one, don’t beg her to stay. Don’t try to convince her that she’s making a mistake. Don’t try to fix things.
Number two. Start protecting yourself. Define that however you want. Watch your assets, your money, your personal belongings, bank accounts, credit cards.
If she wants out, let her go. Soonds like you convinced her to stay for a while and she faked the whole thing.
You’re going to feel like your whole world is crumbling around you, but family and friends and prayer will get you through it. There is someone out there for you, but first take care of your business.** And take care of those kids. Be the best dad you can possibly be**.

 

[cheezey]

Number one, don’t beg her to stay. Don’t try to convince her that she’s making a mistake. Don’t try to fix things.
Number two. Start protecting yourself. Define that however you want. Watch your assets, your money, your personal belongings, bank accounts, credit cards.
If she wants out, let her go. Soonds like you convinced her to stay for a while and she faked the whole thing.
You’re going to feel like your whole world is crumbling around you, but family and friends and prayer will get you through it. There is someone out there for you, but first take care of your business. And take care of those kids. Be the best dad you can possibly be.

From a woman’s perspective, I’d say this very same thing. Just change the gender pronouns.
Though I must admit, I didn’t feel my world crumbling. I felt as if it had just opened up.

My prayers go out to both of you, and all going through this.

 

[qui_est_ce]

What is wrong with people today? They say they are Catholic, go to Mass, and then suddenly decide their “feelings” have gone away. REALLY???

Does anybody think I would have abandoned my son when he was 16 and said he hated me? Did I kick him out of the house because I didn’t have warm cuddly “feelings” about him when he did this and all sorts of teen boy escapades???

 

[qui_est_ce]

From a woman’s perspective, I’d say this very same thing. Just change the gender pronouns.
Though I must admit, I didn’t feel my world crumbling. I felt as if it had just opened up.

Do you have small children?

 

[Martin66]

HurtHusband’s advice is spot on. Capitulating and trying to win her back will not work. If anything, it just makes you look weak and less attractive to her. I am convinced after my experience that it was “over” in my wife’s mind when she first voiced her anger and concern about the marriage. That occurred over a year before she filed for divorce. Over that year I begged, pleaded and argued (a little) to no avail. You can only change what you can control, and you can’t control her feelings or keep her in the marriage.

 

[cheezey]

HurtHusband’s advice is spot on. Capitulating and trying to win her back will not work. If anything, it just makes you look weak and less attractive to her. I am convinced after my experience that it was “over” in my wife’s mind when she first voiced her anger and concern about the marriage. That occurred over a year before she filed for divorce. Over that year I begged, pleaded and argued (a little) to no avail. You can only change what you can control, and you can’t control her feelings or keep her in the marriage.