I need help! Wife issues

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Martin66 said:
HurtHusband’s advice is spot on. Capitulating and trying to win her back will not work. If anything, it just makes you look weak and less attractive to her. I am convinced after my experience that it was “over” in my wife’s mind when she first voiced her anger and concern about the marriage. That occurred over a year before she filed for divorce. Over that year I begged, pleaded and argued (a little) to no avail. You can only change what you can control, and you can’t control her feelings or keep her in the marriage.
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I agree 100%. It was over for my wife even before she said “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” It was over the minute she started exchanging texts, emails and phone calls with the guy who’s on his third marriage. She was done. Its like a drug addict who won’t and can’t quit. She knows how bad it is. She knows how it will ruin her marriage and her family but she does it anyway. Its a sickness of character and morality. Its a series of bad immoral choices and decisions. It doesn’t even do any good to preach to someone like that. They are in denial. It is only through hardship that they may come to realize the depth of their despair.
 
Martin66 said:
HurtHusband’s advice is spot on. Capitulating and trying to win her back will not work. If anything, it just makes you look weak and less attractive to her. I am convinced after my experience that it was “over” in my wife’s mind when she first voiced her anger and concern about the marriage. That occurred over a year before she filed for divorce. Over that year I begged, pleaded and argued (a little) to no avail. You can only change what you can control, and you can’t control her feelings or keep her in the marriage.
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Concur. I wish I had listened to a few folks who warned me not to grovel. It absolutely did not help and probably hurt.
 
qui_est_ce said:
You did the best you could at the time.
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Aman’s natural inclination is to try to fix things. That’s what we do. The problem is that the woman believes that she doesn’t need fixing and will do everything to avoid being fixed. It takes time and a lot of heart ache for us to realize that it’s just not going to happen. It’s compounded even more when the woman turns away from her faith.
 
hurthusband said:
Aman’s natural inclination is to try to fix things. That’s what we do. The problem is that the woman believes that she doesn’t need fixing and will do everything to avoid being fixed. It takes time and a lot of heart ache for us to realize that it’s just not going to happen. It’s compounded even more when the woman turns away from her faith.
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Well, I’m a woman, and my exh is the one who turned away from the faith and wouldn’t seek counseling.
 
hurthusband said:
I agree 100%. It was over for my wife even before she said “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” It was over the minute she started exchanging texts, emails and phone calls with the guy who’s on his third marriage. She was done. Its like a drug addict who won’t and can’t quit. She knows how bad it is. She knows how it will ruin her marriage and her family but she does it anyway. Its a sickness of character and morality. Its a series of bad immoral choices and decisions. It doesn’t even do any good to preach to someone like that. They are in denial. It is only through hardship that they may come to realize the depth of their despair.
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Yeah, she told me that stupid line three years ago. “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” Grow the heck up! Do they think we are “in love” with them all the time? Sometimes you don’t feel love for EVEN for your kids every second of every day, but you’d still take a bullet for them, during any one of those seconds. That’s the way it is with my love for my wife. I’d take a bullet for her, because love is unconditional. It makes me so angry! I know you know the feeling HH. I don’t want to hijack your thread. But that line makes me spit fireballs!
 
hurthusband said:
…It was over the minute she started exchanging texts, emails and phone calls with the guy who’s on his third marriage. …
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For me the “winner” was a married father of three, a good 15 years older than us, and not at all good looking. My wife is stunning, I’m a good looking guy too, what is it with these guys that they can be such complete unfaithful losers, string these girls along and get them all hot and bothered. It makes me so angry. Meanwhile guys like you and me would move Heaven and Earth for our girls, and … “I’m not in love with you anymore, but I want us to be friends.” Some friend, ripping my kids out of my arms half of what’s left of their childhoods. Back to you my friend, I’m really anxious to see how your situation resolves itself. I hope you find a really sweet girl who understands the nature of love and commitment. I met my girl on my deathbed. I had Leukemia, was on death’s doorstep at the age of 20, and she was a nurse’s aid. It’s really tragic. We have a story. I know you do to. Didn’t you say you knew her since you were both kids?
 
Herrobp said:
Yeah, she told me that stupid line three years ago. ** “I love you but I’m not in love with you.”** Grow the heck up! Do they think we are “in love” with them all the time? Sometimes you don’t feel love for EVEN for your kids every second of every day, but you’d still take a bullet for them, during any one of those seconds. That’s the way it is with my love for my wife. I’d take a bullet for her, because love is unconditional. It makes me so angry! I know you know the feeling HH. I don’t want to hijack your thread. But that line makes me spit fireballs!
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My sister’s husband told her, “I love you, but I love my grandmother too.” Must be something out of a -]marriage/-] divorce counselor’s playbook.
 
Herrobp said:
For me the “winner” was a married father of three, a good 15 years older than us, and not at all good looking. My wife is stunning, I’m a good looking guy too, what is it with these guys that they can be such complete unfaithful losers, string these girls along and get them all hot and bothered. It makes me so angry. Meanwhile guys like you and me would move Heaven and Earth for our girls, and … “I’m not in love with you anymore, but I want us to be friends.” Some friend, ripping my kids out of my arms half of what’s left of their childhoods. Back to you my friend, I’m really anxious to see how your situation resolves itself. I hope you find a really sweet girl who understands the nature of love and commitment. I met my girl on my deathbed. I had Leukemia, was on death’s doorstep at the age of 20, and she was a nurse’s aid. It’s really tragic. We have a story. I know you do to. Didn’t you say you knew her since you were both kids?
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Yeah we’ve known each other since we were kids. She lived over the back fence. We were boyfriend/girlfriend in 7th and 8th grade. Then in high school she was the homecoming queen and I was class president and captain of the basketball team. We have a lot of family connections. Her sister in law and my sister work at the same school. Her nephew works in my sister’s math class. My brother and her sister have the same birthday. My dad and her brother have the same birthday. It goes on and on. She hooked up with an older overweight truck driver who’s married to his third wife right now.
 
hurthusband said:
Yeah we’ve known each other since we were kids. She lived over the back fence. We were boyfriend/girlfriend in 7th and 8th grade. Then in high school she was the homecoming queen and I was class president and captain of the basketball team. We have a lot of family connections. Her sister in law and my sister work at the same school. Her nephew works in my sister’s math class. My brother and her sister have the same birthday. My dad and her brother have the same birthday. It goes on and on. She hooked up with an older overweight truck driver who’s married to his third wife right now.
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It’s our culture. Folks these days are so hedonistic. Whatever makes them “happy.” Too bad most of the time they don’t have a clue what will make them happy. It’s disgusting. In my grandparent’s day what our wives are doing would be a scandal. The idea of breaking a covenant would not have been tolerated. Moreover they would have had the sense to know a good man when they see one, would have respected us, honored their commitments, and recovered their all-important feelings. Not so much anymore. This society is truly sick. And this lack of commitment is a disease that is ruining our children’s futures.
 
Our Father, Who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy Will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

Hail Mary,
Full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit
of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of death.

Amen.

Glory be to the Father,
and to the Son,
and to the Holy Spirit.
As it was in the beginning,
is now,
and ever shall be,
world without end.

Amen.

Jesus I Trust in You!
 
Our Father, Who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy Will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

Hail Mary,
Full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit
of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of death.

Amen.

Glory be to the Father,
and to the Son,
and to the Holy Spirit.
As it was in the beginning,
is now,
and ever shall be,
world without end.

Amen.

Jesus I Trust in You!
 
Herrobp said:
It’s our culture. Folks these days are so hedonistic. Whatever makes them “happy.” Too bad most of the time they don’t have a clue what will make them happy. It’s disgusting. In my grandparent’s day what our wives are doing would be a scandal. The idea of breaking a covenant would not have been tolerated. Moreover they would have had the sense to know a good man when they see one, would have respected us, honored their commitments, and recovered their all-important feelings. Not so much anymore. This society is truly sick. And this lack of commitment is a disease that is ruining our children’s futures.
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And the intolerability of breaking a covenant was firmly ensconced in the civil legal structures. It no longer is and has not been for quite some time.
 
She hooked up with an older overweight truck driver who’s married to his third wife right now.
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I will weigh in with my sob story. I met my wife in college, love at first site. We were best friends and truly soul mates (makes me sick to say that now but it is true).

Two years ago she started dressing differently, becoming very flirty with men, and distant from me. All affection towards me ceased. One and a half years ago I was told that “you are a great provider and a great dad, but I don’t know if you are a great husband”. My four children were concerned at that time, because mom kept bumping into “Don” after school at stores with them - they thought he was stalking them because it happened so often. My son also told me mom was texting Don. She denied any relationship and became mad at my son for causing trouble. A year later, I got tired of the lies I caught her in, her obsession with the cell phone, her anger at me for no reason, and the sneakiness. She doesn’t work, and wouldn’t tell me what she did during the day - it was “none of my business”. I followed her one day, and saw her parking her car in a covered parking garage and getting into Don’s. I then hired a PI, and got the video of them engaged in a physical romantic relationship. Copies of the phone bill showed me thousands of texts and hundreds of photos exchanged over the past year. Don is an older man, very overweight, and married with a kid. His wife cheated on him, so I guess he feels it’s OK. He claims to be a catholic that values marriage. He seems to have no conscience, and neither does my wife. Our divorce hearing is this fall.

Obsession is the right word. My wife stopped contacting her friends, became estranged from her family and our eldest daughter because of this man.That’s quite a price to pay.

Of course, she says I am to blame for everything. Not her, and not Don. After her affair was brought to light, she proclaimed it happened because I had been abusive throughout our 24-year marriage. It’s not true, and no one beleives it, but she continues to tell everyone in our school and church community this in order to pass the guilt off herself and to embarrass me. I have not told anyone outside the family about Don, for the sake of our kids.

Glad to know I am not alone in this, and I appreciate all the advice that has come to HH, it has helped me too.
 
Martin66 said:
I will weigh in with my sob story. I met my wife in college, love at first site. We were best friends and truly soul mates (makes me sick to say that now but it is true).

Two years ago she started dressing differently, becoming very flirty with men, and distant from me. All affection towards me ceased. One and a half years ago I was told that “you are a great provider and a great dad, but I don’t know if you are a great husband”. My four children were concerned at that time, because mom kept bumping into “Don” after school at stores with them - they thought he was stalking them because it happened so often. My son also told me mom was texting Don. She denied any relationship and became mad at my son for causing trouble. A year later, I got tired of the lies I caught her in, her obsession with the cell phone, her anger at me for no reason, and the sneakiness. She doesn’t work, and wouldn’t tell me what she did during the day - it was “none of my business”. I followed her one day, and saw her parking her car in a covered parking garage and getting into Don’s. I then hired a PI, and got the video of them engaged in a physical romantic relationship. Copies of the phone bill showed me thousands of texts and hundreds of photos exchanged over the past year. Don is an older man, very overweight, and married with a kid. His wife cheated on him, so I guess he feels it’s OK. He claims to be a catholic that values marriage. He seems to have no conscience, and neither does my wife. Our divorce hearing is this fall.

Obsession is the right word. My wife stopped contacting her friends, became estranged from her family and our eldest daughter because of this man.That’s quite a price to pay.

Of course, she says I am to blame for everything. Not her, and not Don. After her affair was brought to light, she proclaimed it happened because I had been abusive throughout our 24-year marriage. It’s not true, and no one beleives it, but she continues to tell everyone in our school and church community this in order to pass the guilt off herself and to embarrass me. I have not told anyone outside the family about Don, for the sake of our kids.

Glad to know I am not alone in this, and I appreciate all the advice that has come to HH, it has helped me too.
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God bless you. You are in my prayers.
 
Our Father, Who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy Will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

Hail Mary,
Full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit
of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of death.

Amen.

Glory be to the Father,
and to the Son,
and to the Holy Spirit.
As it was in the beginning,
is now,
and ever shall be,
world without end.

Amen.

Jesus I Trust in You!
 
Martin66 said:
I will weigh in with my sob story. I met my wife in college, love at first site. We were best friends and truly soul mates (makes me sick to say that now but it is true).

Two years ago she started dressing differently, becoming very flirty with men, and distant from me. All affection towards me ceased. One and a half years ago I was told that “you are a great provider and a great dad, but I don’t know if you are a great husband”. My four children were concerned at that time, because mom kept bumping into “Don” after school at stores with them - they thought he was stalking them because it happened so often. My son also told me mom was texting Don. She denied any relationship and became mad at my son for causing trouble. A year later, I got tired of the lies I caught her in, her obsession with the cell phone, her anger at me for no reason, and the sneakiness. She doesn’t work, and wouldn’t tell me what she did during the day - it was “none of my business”. I followed her one day, and saw her parking her car in a covered parking garage and getting into Don’s. I then hired a PI, and got the video of them engaged in a physical romantic relationship. Copies of the phone bill showed me thousands of texts and hundreds of photos exchanged over the past year. Don is an older man, very overweight, and married with a kid. His wife cheated on him, so I guess he feels it’s OK. He claims to be a catholic that values marriage. He seems to have no conscience, and neither does my wife. Our divorce hearing is this fall.

Obsession is the right word. My wife stopped contacting her friends, became estranged from her family and our eldest daughter because of this man.That’s quite a price to pay.

Of course, she says I am to blame for everything. Not her, and not Don. After her affair was brought to light, she proclaimed it happened because I had been abusive throughout our 24-year marriage. It’s not true, and no one beleives it, but she continues to tell everyone in our school and church community this in order to pass the guilt off herself and to embarrass me. I have not told anyone outside the family about Don, for the sake of our kids.

Glad to know I am not alone in this, and I appreciate all the advice that has come to HH, it has helped me too.
Click to expand...
Martin, I feel your pain. I really do. I’ve been told that my wife has been unhappy for 12 years. Hmmmmm … she was never unhappy that I knew of. It’s just something that she tells people now along with the tid bit that I’m a “mean” person. Just not true. These women have to say something to cover their butts for the sins that they have committed, and to somehow justify to themselves that what they’ve done is ok. Well guess what? It’s not ok. I’ve even had people tell me that we’ll remain friends. Not going to happen. Why would I be friends with someone who has betrayed me like this? I have a little more self respect than to remain friends with someone who has hooked up with a thrice married catfisher who has done the same thing in the past. Friends? Really? I’m not sure what I’m going to do when my kids get married. Am I going to have to sit next to her? Am I going to have to dance with her? I’ll do anything for my kids, but I have my limits. My son graduates from college next May back in Missouri. I’m sure she’ll be there, but I don’t plan on asking her to join in the graduation festivities with my side of the family unless my son asks me to invite her. Forgiveness is a difficult thing. It shows me how great God is that he can forgive people for things that they’ve done. I struggle with that.
 
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