Q
- Status
H
hurthusband
Guest
No doubt about it. It happens both ways. The common thread? It’s tragic for all involved.
M
Martin66
Guest
I know that the process of licking your wounds is not as easy as it sounds. It must have taken a lot of time and grief to be at the point where you are.
I almost feel like I am in agony right now. I have gone from anger to indifference and now back to sadness and regret. The more I interact with my wife the more difficult it is to fight the feelings I have of love and, frankly, desire for her. She is a physically beautiful woman, and she made herself even more attractive when she started dating her boyfriend during our marriage. How do I get past these feelings? I have to interact with her because of our kids. I am angry at myself for feeling this, but I have been tempted to go back yet again (this would be the third time if I did so) and tell her how I feel about her and ask her if she wants to try to work on our marriage. Could someone who has gone through a divorce with a cheating spouse please help me with this?
I almost feel like I am in agony right now. I have gone from anger to indifference and now back to sadness and regret. The more I interact with my wife the more difficult it is to fight the feelings I have of love and, frankly, desire for her. She is a physically beautiful woman, and she made herself even more attractive when she started dating her boyfriend during our marriage. How do I get past these feelings? I have to interact with her because of our kids. I am angry at myself for feeling this, but I have been tempted to go back yet again (this would be the third time if I did so) and tell her how I feel about her and ask her if she wants to try to work on our marriage. Could someone who has gone through a divorce with a cheating spouse please help me with this?
H
hurthusband
Guest
Well, first off, I haven’t gone through it. I’m still going through it. I actually had to go over to the house the other day. I had to give 48 hours notice to go and look for my tackle box. When I got there the wife seemed sad about something. I just instinctively picked up on it. It wasn’t caused by me. Something just wasn’t right. I didn’t ask her about it. I just went about my business and left. Yesterday I took her some flowers. Why? Shoot, I don’t know. I just did. You have to understand that I have loved her since the 6th grade. We were neighbors. We grew up together. And when we finally got together in our 20’s, my life was complete. How in the heck do I turn that off now? How do I detach from everything I ever wanted. Marriage is a sacrament. Would I willingly give up my baptism? Or my confirmation? You know what I mean? Highly doubtful that I will ever get over this. It will always be there, just under the surface. She wasn’t raised in the church, but converted. I thought she really got it. I thought she understood what it was all about. I was wrong. She has left the church and tossed aside her marriage vows. That’s hard for me to accept. I take a lot of responsibility for her leaving the church because maybe I wasn’t a strong enough Catholic. I’m strong in my faith, but maybe not vocal enough. Heck, I don’t know. My advice? One day at a time. Focus on you and your kids. Find someone to talk to. Don’t keep it bottled up. I went and saw a counselor for a while. I talk to my sister and my parents all the time. My kids are in their 20’s so I can talk to them a little bit too. Use this forum to vent. Its ok, lots of amazing people here. I’m praying for you and me, and everyone who suffers from this kind of anguish.
S
Saturn5
Guest
My prayers are with you and HH…and anyone going through this.
I was married for 13 years in my first marriage. I thought my first wife was the most ravashing creature on the planet. I dabble in photography and used her as a subject a lot. We had no children, she never wanted them (the primary reason for the divorce). She grew more and more distant in our marriage. I tried everything (except prayer…I was pretty fallen away at the time) to keep our marriage together. I suspect she was having an affair at the end of the marriage, but by that time her indifference toward me so torn me up it didn’t/wouldn’t have made any difference.
The divorce process was bitter, but once it was done, we actually met a few times to swap a few things the other wanted in the divorce. We were much more pleasant to each other.
The divorce was finalized over 15 years ago. She’s in her early 50’s now and still a very physically attractive woman. She is blessed with great genetics…and she always stayed out of the sun!
I mentioned earlier in the thread she still sends a Christmas card with photos to my parents. I look at those photos and still see an attractive woman, but definely not in a lustful way. All the anger and frustration has long since passed (I remember the day I “forgave” her after the divorce) and so I am happy for her that she seems to have found her way and a happier life.I offer that story only as someone that has gone through it. Albeit we didn’t have children, I don’t think that tempered my feeling of loss at the time of the divorce. But with the help of Christ’s love and forgiveness, I was able to forgive her and pray for her happiness and good health.
God bless you Martin. I will offer up a prayer for you.
H
hurthusband
Guest
You brought up what will ultimately be the hardest thing for me … forgiveness. I pray about it. I think about it. I pray about it some more. How someone can break up a family for their own selfish reasons is just beyond my comprehension. I’ve been a loving, faithful, supportive husband in good times and bad … the whole enchilada. Like so many others on this forum who have lived their vows, I’ve done the same. Forgiveness is a heavy word. True forgiveness is a difficult thing. It’s an all or nothing proposition. Even though I have grown children, I know they struggle with it as well. Two of my kids have minimal contact with her. Basically the only contact they have with her is when she initiates it. They don’t reach out to her and that doesn’t make me feel any better because I know that I get blamed for that.
S
styrgwillidar
Guest
Realism. I pray for her soul and her salvation, I love the mother of my children and appreciate the things she did in the past. But I realize the things she chose are irreconcilable with my values. I love her as a christian, but not as a man. If that makes sense to you. I realize that her happiness or unhappiness are irrelevant to my life now, with one exception- if she allows her frustration or unhappiness to spill over onto our kids.
Realism. She lied to me, broke my trust and her vows. No matter my feelings, a marriage is at its heart about trust and being able to rely on each other. I would rather be alone than delusional, believing I had someone’s support when in reality I couldn’t count on them.
If we could have identified an underlying cause that both of us were willing to address to solve, it might be different. But…
Realism. She chose to hurt my kids. In a way no other human being on the face of this planet- past, present or future- could hurt them. I asked myself one day, if I could ever count as a friend someone who hurt my children? Who chose to hurt my children? It helped me conclude that whatever we had been to each other in the past, it was ended.
I will not send the message to my children that hurting them was acceptable. That I am willing to overlook injury and harm to them to satisfy my own desires for companionship.
S
Saturn5
Guest
I hear you HurtHusband. Forgiveness is tough, but you’re doing the right thing with prayer. I’d like to submit to you another suggestion, reconciliation. It is a beautiful sacrament! I go close to monthly now and it is amazing! It forces me to realize how much I sin and how much grace and mercy our Lord has for each of us. If He can forgive me for my sins, the things I hold against my wife (or others) seem petty and trivial. That’s the reason for the frequency, then I’m forced to look at myself and my actions regularly.
You are in my prayers.
M
Martin66
Guest
Thank you for the advice. HH, it is definitely a day to day process. I am sitting here in my office knowing that today is his day off and my wife is with him, doing who knows what. I have gone to a counselor so I know all the mind tricks to stop the thoughts but they still come. I’ll see them both tonight at a school function and they will act like they weren’t together all day and they will both try to act respectable- it just sickens me. I want to blow the lid off the lies and let everyone know what bad people they both are.
Just sick and tired of hurting all the time.
Just sick and tired of hurting all the time.
H
hurthusband
Guest
Trust me, I know the feeling. I spoke to the guy on the phone once and told him he better join a gym and get in the best shape of his life.
My future ex texted me this morning wanting copies of my pension plan and 401k. I told her that they were with my lawyer. She asked if she could pick them up and I said not without a court order. Am I supposed to make this easy? I was Mister Wonderful for 24 years because that’s how I am. Now I’m supposed to be the same way? Take some solace in knowing that you are living a real life and she is living a secret life. Someday, someway, somehow she’ll have to answer for all of it.
S
styrgwillidar
Guest
I think one of the hardest things in this is to hang on to who you are. You go from being a part of a team, thinking there is someone there who always has your back, to finding out that in a very crucial way you are truly alone. No one has your back.
The betrayal, the violation of vows and trust, the unfairness of it all can change you into a bitter, angry or depressed person. At a certain point you have to look deep inside yourself and decide who you are, who you want to be, whether you like yourself and then refuse to give in and change into something or someone you don’t want to be. Someone that you don’t want to see in the mirror looking back at you.
If you can get back in touch with and comfortable with you who are and what is good about you, you will almost pity your ex for throwing that away. Truly, it is her loss.
The betrayal, the violation of vows and trust, the unfairness of it all can change you into a bitter, angry or depressed person. At a certain point you have to look deep inside yourself and decide who you are, who you want to be, whether you like yourself and then refuse to give in and change into something or someone you don’t want to be. Someone that you don’t want to see in the mirror looking back at you.
If you can get back in touch with and comfortable with you who are and what is good about you, you will almost pity your ex for throwing that away. Truly, it is her loss.
H
hurthusband
Guest
Yesterday I got my hair cut. When I got back to my apartment I noticed that something wasn’t quite right. I had a few hairs stickup that my barber had missed. Normally the wife would have taken care of it for me. I don’t have that anymore. So yeah, there’s that whole side that I don’t have anymore.
On the other hand, I do like who I see in the mirror and I do pity her. She has chosen a very hard life for herself. The couple of times that I’ve seen her lately she has visibly aged and gained weight. Could it be that her friend has dumped her? Could it be that the strain of a single income and working long hours has put a strain on her? Could it be that 2 of the kids distancing themselves from her has led her to realize what poor choices she has made? Over and over I just think to myself what a terrible shame the whole thing is for everyone. I know I’ll bounce back because that’s just the way I am. I have a lot of support from a lot of really good friends and family. Her side has a lot of dysfunction. It will be hard for her.
M
Martin66
Guest
Saturn5, you mention this as your first marriage, so I assume you are remarried or in another relationship now? Do you think having someone in your life is a significant cause for your ability to forgive her and can have happiness for her?My prayers are with you and HH…and anyone going through this.
I was married for 13 years in my first marriage. I thought my first wife was the most ravashing creature on the planet. I dabble in photography and used her as a subject a lot. We had no children, she never wanted them (the primary reason for the divorce). She grew more and more distant in our marriage. I tried everything (except prayer…I was pretty fallen away at the time) to keep our marriage together. I suspect she was having an affair at the end of the marriage, but by that time her indifference toward me so torn me up it didn’t/wouldn’t have made any difference.
The divorce process was bitter, but once it was done, we actually met a few times to swap a few things the other wanted in the divorce. We were much more pleasant to each other.
The divorce was finalized over 15 years ago. She’s in her early 50’s now and still a very physically attractive woman. She is blessed with great genetics…and she always stayed out of the sun!
I offer that story only as someone that has gone through it. Albeit we didn’t have children, I don’t think that tempered my feeling of loss at the time of the divorce. But with the help of Christ’s love and forgiveness, I was able to forgive her and pray for her happiness and good health.
God bless you Martin. I will offer up a prayer for you.
M
Martin66
Guest
Sorry for the poor grammar on that last post, ugh.
S
Saturn5
Guest
A great, deep question Martin! One I had to wrestle with myself. The short answer is no. I knew I had to get right with the Lord first
I remember going back to my home parish where I grew up and served Mass. I had been away for decades. I sat in the back during a Sunday Mass and basically cried the entire time begging for forgiveness. My divorce was one of the lowest points in my life. I remember returning to reconcilation and saying to the priest my last confession was so long ago, I can’t even remember…maybe 25 years. He welcomed me back!
I “tied some knots” during my life and I have great devotion to our Blessed Mother to help me untie them. It is taking time and I am trying to have patience and humility as the Lord helps me along in His time. I have learned a lot in my journey and I know I have a lot more to learn. One of the earliest lessons He taught me was forgiveness and how freeing that is. I think that’s why it was so easy and quick to forgive my ex-wife.
I used to spend a fair amount of time wondering how people like my ex-wife could do the things they did and basically do it without any outward remorse. Through prayer I’ve learned that is great exercise in futility! No one can understand another to that level, only God can. And the evil one preys on those negative feelings. Hence the reason I try and live my life as joyfully as I can. God gives us everything! He gave us this life, the air we breath, the planet we ride on! Wow! When I think about that, all that other “junk” slips away. I see things differently now because of it, I appreciate things more.
Hope that helps. Know you and your family are in my prayers!
E
Evania
Guest
You mentioned that you tied some knots during your life and you had great devotion to Our Blessed Mother in helping you untie them. That reminded me of this powerful novena.A great, deep question Martin! One I had to wrestle with myself. The short answer is no. I knew I had to get right with the Lord first
I remember going back to my home parish where I grew up and served Mass. I had been away for decades. I sat in the back during a Sunday Mass and basically cried the entire time begging for forgiveness. My divorce was one of the lowest points in my life. I remember returning to reconcilation and saying to the priest my last confession was so long ago, I can’t even remember…maybe 25 years. He welcomed me back!
I “tied some knots” during my life and I have great devotion to our Blessed Mother to help me untie them. It is taking time and I am trying to have patience and humility as the Lord helps me along in His time. I have learned a lot in my journey and I know I have a lot more to learn. One of the earliest lessons He taught me was forgiveness and how freeing that is. I think that’s why it was so easy and quick to forgive my ex-wife.
I used to spend a fair amount of time wondering how people like my ex-wife could do the things they did and basically do it without any outward remorse. Through prayer I’ve learned that is great exercise in futility! No one can understand another to that level, only God can. And the evil one preys on those negative feelings. Hence the reason I try and live my life as joyfully as I can. God gives us everything! He gave us this life, the air we breath, the planet we ride on! Wow! When I think about that, all that other “junk” slips away. I see things differently now because of it, I appreciate things more.
Hope that helps. Know you and your family are in my prayers!
Here is a link for all the suffering spouses on here on a novena to Our Lady Undoer of Knots.
theholyrosary.org/maryundoerknots
G
Guineviere
Guest
How did I get over it? It took three years and a declaration of nullity to heal…and a lot of prayer. I went through the whole gamete…denial, anger, depression, and acceptance. I’m still scarred. I always will be. My kids will be forever scarred as well.
The post about reality hit the nail on the head. The reality was, he had moved on. He had moved on long before I even knew what hit me. The reality was, I gave him every opportunity to allow me to forgive him and move past it all. He didn’t want to. The reality is, even if he did change his mind I’d be forever questioning every text message, every phone call, wondering if he is really at work each day. The reality is, even if he did change his mind, it would just be temporary. I’d given it my all and it wasn’t good enough for him. The reality is, he looked me directly in the eyes and told me he didn’t love me anymore and I was not longer useful in his future goals. Those are words that can never be taken back or forgotten.
I prayed so hard for our marriage, it wasn’t in the cards. It was a loud and clear “no.” I decided to accept it, move on, and see what path God leads me down with no real expectations. The biggest reality of all, what happened, happened. Being angry, bitter or placing blame doesn’t change that reality. It is what it is.
I have to say, it does help knowing that he downgraded. It also helps knowing that his current wife is very intimidated and insecure when it comes to me. I mean, anyone can look good at 25, but maintaining that into your 40s after three kids…is way more impressive.
The post about reality hit the nail on the head. The reality was, he had moved on. He had moved on long before I even knew what hit me. The reality was, I gave him every opportunity to allow me to forgive him and move past it all. He didn’t want to. The reality is, even if he did change his mind I’d be forever questioning every text message, every phone call, wondering if he is really at work each day. The reality is, even if he did change his mind, it would just be temporary. I’d given it my all and it wasn’t good enough for him. The reality is, he looked me directly in the eyes and told me he didn’t love me anymore and I was not longer useful in his future goals. Those are words that can never be taken back or forgotten.
I prayed so hard for our marriage, it wasn’t in the cards. It was a loud and clear “no.” I decided to accept it, move on, and see what path God leads me down with no real expectations. The biggest reality of all, what happened, happened. Being angry, bitter or placing blame doesn’t change that reality. It is what it is.
I have to say, it does help knowing that he downgraded. It also helps knowing that his current wife is very intimidated and insecure when it comes to me. I mean, anyone can look good at 25, but maintaining that into your 40s after three kids…is way more impressive.
H
hurthusband
Guest
Anyone who has read this entire thread knows that I’ve been through all of those emotions too. I’m in the acceptance / take care of myself stage. Now its all about being true to myself and myy kids. They’ll have a relationship with their mom that will never be the same and that’s her deal. I want to maintain our traditions and create new ones too. My life won’t be defined by one woman’s infidelity. It will be defined by me.
I
Irishmom2
Guest
I am happy to hear you say this hurthusband. I have read the entire thread, and I am happy to see that you are at this place. I hope your thread will help other people. I hope they will read it and see themselves in it, and have your way of looking at things. God bless you.
M
Martin66
Guest
Guinevere:
Your message was very powerful and spoke directly to my heart. Thank you so much for writing this.
One question: How did the degree of nullity help you? If you are comfortable discussing on the forum then thank you. Otherwise, could you send me a private message? I think your answer would help me even more than you already have.
Your husband must be mad to let such a strong and confident woman slip through his hands!
Your message was very powerful and spoke directly to my heart. Thank you so much for writing this.
One question: How did the degree of nullity help you? If you are comfortable discussing on the forum then thank you. Otherwise, could you send me a private message? I think your answer would help me even more than you already have.
Your husband must be mad to let such a strong and confident woman slip through his hands!
- Status