I need help. Wife refuses to try and get pregnant

  • Thread starter Thread starter Jay417
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
J

Jay417

Guest
I’m sorry, I have nowhere else to turn. My wife of five years just told me confessed to me that she has never wanted to get pregnant. She says she has a phobia about it that is crippling. She never let on about this as we prepped for marriage or as we were married. She wants to adopt, and I do as well, but she just told me she will never try to get pregnant again. She says she doesn’t ever want to be pregnant. I am a compromising man, and adopting a child is a beautiful thing that I want as well. But now the idea of sex has lost its intimacy, and I feel so much pain and hurt. I am having trouble talking to my wife without anger and hurt. What can I do? FYI we are both catholic and married in the church. We are 32 and 29.
 
I’m sure you know that getting angry or hurt is not helpful. Stay calm and try to understand her perspective. If she only *just *told you, give yourself time to think things through before reacting, and give her time to calm down about it all. Telling you this would have been very draining for her, and I’m sure over time you will both be in a better frame of mind to talk about things rationally.

When the time is right…a doctor and/or psychologist and/or counsellor would be the best people to help you. If she really has a phobia, it will be very hard to persuade her (but not impossible). But if she is merely scared, perhaps more knowledge about the relative changes a woman goes through (and yes the risks) will help ease her mind. Talking to other women might help too.
 
I agree with underacloud. If it’s a true phobia, then she would probably benefit from professional help to overcome her fears.

Remember that her fear of pregnancy is not a rejection of you. It is not often easy to share our fears with others–she must feel safe putting her heart in your hands and telling you this. She felt she needed to be honest with you, even though she probably knew it would upset you. That sounds to me like she respects you.

Still, I’m sure it’s difficult for you, as well. It’s a lot to take in. I hope and pray that she is also understanding of your feelings, and that the two of you can work through this.

If this is not a true phobia, it’s likely that her feelings will change over time (though right now, she likely can’t imagine that ever happening). I suggest first trying to be understanding by listening and comforting her (not trying to “fix” the problem just yet but just hear her out), and accepting her feelings and perspective as valid even if you feel differently. She may need some reassurance of your love for and commitment to her, because she just opened herself and revealed one of her weaknesses to you. Yet she should also eventually be willing to “give” a little on this, putting some effort in to try to get help dealing with her fears.

I’m not really sure what you mean that “the idea of sex has lost its intimacy,” but I’m not sure I need to know; I just pray that you two can rebuild that lost intimacy.

Will pray for you both. :gopray2:
 
She told me about a week ago, and try as I might I cannot come around to being okay with never trying for children.I told her honestly I am okay with adoption, but that if the chance never comes, and the only way to have a child is with getting pregnant I want that. She will not budge on the notion, She says she would rather be childless even if it meant losing our marriage than carry even one baby. I mentioned therapy and she says only if it will make me agree with her. I think this phobia is real, she is not the type to lie or to give up. In time I will ask about therapy again.
 
CatholicRaven said:
I agree with underacloud. If it’s a true phobia, then she would probably benefit from professional help to overcome her fears.

Remember that her fear of pregnancy is not a rejection of you. It is not often easy to share our fears with others–she must feel safe putting her heart in your hands and telling you this. She felt she needed to be honest with you, even though she probably knew it would upset you. That sounds to me like she respects you.

Still, I’m sure it’s difficult for you, as well. It’s a lot to take in. I hope and pray that she is also understanding of your feelings, and that the two of you can work through this.

If this is not a true phobia, it’s likely that her feelings will change over time (though right now, she likely can’t imagine that ever happening). I suggest first trying to be understanding by listening and comforting her (not trying to “fix” the problem just yet but just hear her out), and accepting her feelings and perspective as valid even if you feel differently. She may need some reassurance of your love for and commitment to her, because she just opened herself and revealed one of her weaknesses to you. Yet she should also eventually be willing to “give” a little on this, putting some effort in to try to get help dealing with her fears.

I’m not really sure what you mean that “the idea of sex has lost its intimacy,” but I’m not sure I need to know; I just pray that you two can rebuild that lost intimacy.

Will pray for you both. :gopray2:
Click to expand...
losing intimacy I mean I feel like I cannot approach sex if she is so repulsed by the idea of carrying a child. Maybe intimacy is a poor choice of words. I never want to hurt my wife, so how can I be intimate with her knowing she is in fear? She told me she doesn’t want to take birth control or anything, but she also doesn’t want to have sex during fertile times or have my semen in her. So yes, I feel a bit put out and rejected.
 
If you are still getting laid and not using contraception Id say you have a pretty good deal going here.
 
Jay417 said:
She told me about a week ago, and try as I might I cannot come around to being okay with never trying for children.I told her honestly I am okay with adoption, but that if the chance never comes, and the only way to have a child is with getting pregnant I want that. She will not budge on the notion, She says she would rather be childless even if it meant losing our marriage than carry even one baby. I mentioned therapy and she says only if it will make me agree with her. I think this phobia is real, she is not the type to lie or to give up. In time I will ask about therapy again.
Click to expand...
Perhaps if you approach any therapy with an open mind, she will be encourage to do so also. That is, therapy should be about identifying the problem and addressing it, not presuming a certain outcome ahead of time. If it turns out that she has a genuine phobia that is too difficult to overcome, then I think you need to be prepared to be the one to change your attitudes. So, I would go down this road together…whatever the outcome, I think it will be the best way to make sure you reach it together.
 
underacloud said:
Perhaps if you approach any therapy with an open mind, she will be encourage to do so also. That is, therapy should be about identifying the problem and addressing it, not presuming a certain outcome ahead of time. If it turns out that she has a genuine phobia that is too difficult to overcome, then I think you need to be prepared to be the one to change your attitudes. So, I would go down this road together…whatever the outcome, I think it will be the best way to make sure you reach it together.
Click to expand...
I don’t think any married man wants to accept being childless over a phobia. I can change my approach,my attitude, and give more support, but I cannot change my desire for children. I was under the impression it was a good thing to want children with your spouse. Especially a spouse who loves kids and up until recently wanted nothing more than to have them, at least that’s how she presented it to me. I’m not saying I am totally inflexible, but I do feel I have some say in this situation and a right to feel upset.
 
Jay417 said:
I don’t think any married man wants to accept being childless over a phobia.
Click to expand...
The nature of phobias is that they are irrational. It will be difficult to win out over a true phobia (but therapy can sometimes be successful - I would not count on it though). Of course, we don’t know at htis point if it really is a true phobia.
Jay417 said:
I do feel I have some say in this situation and a right to feel upset.
Click to expand...
Of course you have some say, which is why I suggest therapy/counselling/etc, since you will both get your say and be able to better appreciate each other’s perspectives.

As for being upset - you may have a *right *to be upset, but I think you have to ask yourself whether it is *helpful *to be upset.
 
Jay417 said:
I don’t think any married man wants to accept being childless over a phobia. I can change my approach,my attitude, and give more support, but I cannot change my desire for children. I was under the impression it was a good thing to want children with your spouse. Especially a spouse who loves kids and up until recently wanted nothing more than to have them, at least that’s how she presented it to me. I’m not saying I am totally inflexible, but I do feel I have some say in this situation and a right to feel upset.
Click to expand...
How about a little compassion for your wife. You say she likes children and up until recently wanted to have some of her own. Did you stop to think about the mental stress this is putting her under? She knows you want kids, she wants them, and yet she is terrified about being pregnant, and you are upset with her and demanding she get therapy to fix herself? Wow…that is certainly not helping her anxiety. It’s easy for you to demand children, when you don’t have to be pregnant, deliver the children, worry about the risks involved, or deal with any potential or existing mental illness that may arise from it. As someone who has suffered crippling Post partum Anxiety I can tell you that going through that again is one of the most terrifying things.
 
Jay417 said:
She told me about a week ago, and try as I might I cannot come around to being okay with never trying for children.I told her honestly I am okay with adoption, but that if the chance never comes, and the only way to have a child is with getting pregnant I want that. She will not budge on the notion, **She says she would rather be childless even if it meant losing our marriage than carry even one baby. **I mentioned therapy and she says only if it will make me agree with her. I think this phobia is real, she is not the type to lie or to give up. In time I will ask about therapy again.
Click to expand...
There are deeper issues going on. Sounds like professional help would be the next step.

Good luck.
 
Just pause for a moment. Your wife will have heard horror stories of pregnancy and labour from her female friends and relatives (why do we women do that to each other?). It’s no wonder she is scared of pregnancy. From morning sickness, that can last all day and night, varicose veins, stretchmarks, back pains, leaking bladder, joint pains, difficulty walking, feeling like death, then the pain and stress of labour, (and no matter what some “trendy types” tell you, after giving birth four times, I can tell you with certainty that labour HURTS, worrying about all the things that can go wrong during pregnancy and labour, the difficulties after labour, your wife would be a fool not to be scared of pregnancy.

My advice to you is to be there for her, listen to her, her opening up to you is a sign of trust, certainly is not a rejection of you. You should feel honoured that she feels able to open up to you about her deepest fears. Can she talk to her mum?

This is a time for you, as a loving husband, to forget about your feelings and be supportive and loving to your wife.
 
It’s her body so it’s ultimately up to her. You as a husband need to respect her decision. If this is a result of phobia then you may be able to help her overcome them, but above all you have to remember it’s her body. She will be carrying the fetus and giving birth to the child not you. So under no circumstances should you pressure her about this. If you are both ok with adoption then y’all should seriously consider it. Give a child in an unfortunate situation a loving home. That imo is one of the kindest most beautiful things human beings can do for another human being. I know adoption isn’t the same as making your own child with your spouse, but adoption can be equally rewarding and awesome in its own way for all parties involved.

Pray and be patient with your situation and your wife and the path God has you both on. Trust in Him and you and your wife won’t be led astray.
 
OP - I respectfully do not agree with the advice you are receiving here. There is a pattern around here of excusing female misbehavior, with the men being told to man up and pound sand. If your wife told you she wanted children during your courtship (you did discuss this I hope) and has now bait and switched you, her actions are terrible and may be legitimate cause for divorce. I’m assuming your wife answered in the affirmative when the priest asked you on the altar if you would accept children?

Your wife has expressed she will not change her mind, even if your marriage ends over this. That sounds like a thinly veiled ultimatum to me. It also means she’s been giving thought to divorce and concluded it would be acceptable. Troubling, to say the least. I don’t see the point in wasting time and money in therapy if her heels are truly dug in. I would talk to your priest, alone at first, then together to try and get her to come around. If that fails, you have a decision to make.
 
Since when is a woman’s right to choose what is done to her body considered “female misbehavior”? And it doesn’t matter if she wanted children when they first got married. That was then this is now. People change.

And maybe she just thought that in time she would come around to the idea of carrying and giving birth to a child. She hasn’t come around to the idea, but she might yet. But pressuring her is going to only make her resent him. The OP needs to give her some time and be patient. Not treat her like her body is his property to impregnate with his seed. She isn’t a broodmare. She is a human being with the right to choose and to decide when she wants to be pregnant.
 
There is no misbehavior there. As Justin stated, not being clear about her fears at the first part of their relationship was most likely based on a hope her fears would change. This is NOT this woman’s being arbitrary and just thumbing her nose at children, she is open to adoption after all. Even if her fear does not meet the clinical level of a phobia, it is obviously serious enough and severe enough to cause her to reject something that she actually wants. Telling her husband to have patience about this matter and take up the matter with professionals is NOT telling him to “pound sand”. Like any other problem or issue in a relationship both parties have to respect where the other is coming from and meet them where they ARE, not where the ideal is. The same is true BTW of pastoral counseling to us sinners in the church. The husband in this case obviously loves his wife just as she obviously loves him and trusts him to have finally shared this issue she has with him. He does not want to cause her even mental anguish much less physical and that is to be commended not have the implication that he is “wimping out” to be considerate and concerned. Like any other issue which one spouse may have that comes up in a marriage, this phobia of childbirth of the wife here needs to be dealt with in all dignity for both of them and to not be taken personally. This isn’t a rejection or an insult to the husband at all, it’s something the wife is going to need HELP about just as if she had some other problem, like a broken foot or something. She needs healing and the relationship does as well as the husband now and that should be the goal in any marriage in such situations.
CthgeDelendaEst said:
OP - I respectfully do not agree with the advice you are receiving here. There is a pattern around here of excusing female misbehavior, with the men being told to man up and pound sand. If your wife told you she wanted children during your courtship (you did discuss this I hope) and has now bait and switched you, her actions are terrible and may be legitimate cause for divorce. I’m assuming your wife answered in the affirmative when the priest asked you on the altar if you would accept children?

Your wife has expressed she will not change her mind, even if your marriage ends over this. That sounds like a thinly veiled ultimatum to me. It also means she’s been giving thought to divorce and concluded it would be acceptable. Troubling, to say the least. I don’t see the point in wasting time and money in therapy if her heels are truly dug in. I would talk to your priest, alone at first, then together to try and get her to come around. If that fails, you have a decision to make.
Click to expand...
 
Jay417 said:
I’m sorry, I have nowhere else to turn. My wife of five years just told me confessed to me that she has never wanted to get pregnant. She says she has a phobia about it that is crippling. She never let on about this as we prepped for marriage or as we were married. She wants to adopt, and I do as well, but she just told me she will never try to get pregnant again. She says she doesn’t ever want to be pregnant. I am a compromising man, and adopting a child is a beautiful thing that I want as well. But now the idea of sex has lost its intimacy, and I feel so much pain and hurt. I am having trouble talking to my wife without anger and hurt. What can I do? FYI we are both catholic and married in the church. We are 32 and 29.
Click to expand...
Is she honest with you about this topic? Is she dishonest with you about this topic? Is she sincere or not? Is she a liar? Is she a manipulative wife (a manipulative bride)? Was she a manipulative girlfriend? Was she a manipulative fiancée?

======= Do not be naive!!! Be prudent!!! Be caution!!! Be careful!!!

Is she touched by mental, psychological, spiritual, religious, physical and physiological troubles linked to this topic? She has the moral obligation toward you (the contractual aspect of marriage) and the moral duty toward the marriage (the institutional aspect of marriage) to consult **catholic specialists (a philosopher, a theologian, a canon lawyer, a midwife, a psychologist, a psychiatrist, a psychoanalyst, a general physician, a gynecologist, a sexologist, priests – confessors and spiritual directors --) for identifying the issues and for trying to solve those issues by treatments. The mental treatments, the psychical treatments, the psychological treatments, the religious treatments, the spiritual treatments, the religious treatments have to be attempted. She has to try, that is her obligation of means and her duty of means toward you and the institution of marriage.

In my humble opinion, you should study the possibilities of declaration of nullity of your marriage. Does she know the catholic notions of the right to the body and co : the sexual donation / sexual reception of bodies, the opening to the life and all the conjugal rules about the conjugal sex???
 
Justin61790 said:
Since when is a woman’s right to choose what is done to her body considered “female misbehavior”? And it doesn’t matter if she wanted children when they first got married. That was then this is now. People change.

And maybe she just thought that in time she would come around to the idea of carrying and giving birth to a child. She hasn’t come around to the idea, but she might yet. But pressuring her is going to only make her resent him. The OP needs to give her some time and be patient. Not treat her like her body is his property to impregnate with his seed. She isn’t a broodmare. She is a human being with the right to choose and to decide when she wants to be pregnant.
Click to expand...
When we marry we give our entire selves to our spouse. Body included. If a woman or a man wish to maintain total autonomy over their bodies, they shouldn’t get married.

The truth is that pregnancy and birth can be difficult, but denying a spouse his or her own children out of fear is a terrible thing. If the OP was a woman and the spouse a man who was denying her children out of fear I’d bet most posters would be saying that he has a serious problem and is obligated to seek help. Some would even be seriously questioning the validity of the marriage.

And, frankly, a woman’s fertility is finite. Not to mention that as a woman ages the chances of fertility issues, miscarriage, complications during pregnancy and birth, and defects in the baby do rise. So, really, while being patient is a sweet idea, the truth is that being patient might also mean waiting so long for her to come around having bio children could become a moot point.
 
MJJean said:
The truth is that pregnancy and birth can be difficult, but denying a spouse his or her own children out of fear is a terrible thing. If the OP was a woman and the spouse a man who was denying her children out of fear I’d bet most posters would be saying that he has a serious problem and is obligated to seek help. Some would even be seriously questioning the validity of the marriage.

And, frankly, a woman’s fertility is finite. Not to mention that as a woman ages the chances of fertility issues, miscarriage, complications during pregnancy and birth, and defects in the baby do rise. So, really, while being patient is a sweet idea, the truth is that being patient might also mean waiting so long for her to come around having bio children could become a moot point.
Click to expand...
A phobia is not just something that you can shrug off, they can cause people to be very ill.

OP is either going to have to be patient and potentially never have biological children, find a surrogate, or leave the marriage and find a partner who does want biological children. What do you want him to do, force her to carry a baby?
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top