I need help. Wife refuses to try and get pregnant

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Sounds like she lied, by omission, before marriage. If she were a man and you, OP, a woman, you would have received lots of sympathy and assurances that your spouse’s behavior is grounds for annulment. A marriage counselor would in theory be a good idea, but they’re likely to side with her.

Phobias can be worked on. If you can get her to see a mental health professional about her problem, well and good, but it’s not a good sign if she didn’t bring this up for five years of marriage.
 
A good talk with an OB and other professionals is definitely in order.

Pregnancy is dangerous, but her OB can explain what they do on their side to make it as safe as they can.

Also, if your wife specifically is phobic about vaginal birth, that isn’t obligatory. There is such a thing as a maternal request c-section, and they can be very helpful in cases where there is a fear of childbirth. (There is the issue that c-sections tend to cap the number of children one can have, but in your wife’s case, it sounds like having even one child will be quite an achievement.)

Also, some education from the OB about epidurals could be very helpful. Your wife has probably seen a lot of movies or documentaries with women in agony screaming their heads off. That is largely optional these days. I had one problem with getting an epidural due to a fast delivery, but that’s uncommon for a first baby. A much more likely scenario is: some pain, then the discomfort of an epidural, then NOTHING. I’ve managed to nap before while in the later stages and then wake up just in time to have the baby. It was fantastic–but not very cinematic.

Your OB can give you lots of information and perhaps a referral to a psychologist that deals specifically with OB issues.

Best wishes!
 
CthgeDelendaEst said:
Your wife has expressed she will not change her mind, even if your marriage ends over this. That sounds like a thinly veiled ultimatum to me. It also means she’s been giving thought to divorce and concluded it would be acceptable. Troubling, to say the least. I don’t see the point in wasting time and money in therapy if her heels are truly dug in.
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Wow, not even trying therapy…for a phobia.

How do you know if her heels are truly dug in if you don’t do anything to work on it (talk to the OB, work with a psychologist, work on a cognitive behavioral therapy plan, etc)?

You’re encouraging the OP to give up when he hasn’t done anything yet to fix this.
 
I’m not going to make any assumptions here about your wife.

This is kinda abnormal. Doesn’t sound based on hearing horror stories from friends or something. Typically we women are pretty hard wired to be moms.

May I suggest, please don’t make assumptions yourself? Be compassionate but firm. You guys need to dig in and get professional help, starting perhaps with a trusted OB/gyn?

Prayers for you. Keep us posted.
 
Her *moral obligations *toward her husband *about sex *and her moral duties toward the institution of marriage about sex??? The sexual ends and co of marriage???

The sexual donation of her own body to her husband, the body of her husband is his body. The sexual reception of the body of her husband by herself via the conjugal act??? The right on the body, the right of the body, the right to the body with all the corollaries: the conjugal sexual debt, the conjugal sexual obligation and the conjugal sexual duty??? The sexual yoke between spouse???

The marital request for conjugal sex coming from her husband??? The principle of the practice of physical love, and the *exception of the non-practice of physical love *within marriage???
 
fpt said:
Her *moral obligations *toward her husband *about sex *and her moral duties toward the institution of marriage about sex??? The sexual ends and co of marriage???

The sexual donation of her own body to her husband, the body of her husband is his body. The sexual reception of the body of her husband by herself via the conjugal act??? The right on the body, the right of the body, the right to the body with all the corollaries: the conjugal sexual debt, the conjugal sexual obligation and the conjugal sexual duty??? The sexual yoke between spouse???

The marital request for conjugal sex coming from her husband??? The principle of the practice of physical love, and the *exception of the non-practice of physical love *within marriage???
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Maybe it is a language barrier, but I do not understand what you are asking or trying to say…😊
 
corrections:
fpt said:
Her *moral obligations *toward her husband *about sex *and her moral duties toward the institution of marriage about sex??? The sexual ends and co of marriage???

The sexual donation of her own body to her husband, the body of* her husband is her body and her own body is the body of her husnand*. The sexual reception of the body of her husband by herself via the conjugal act??? The right on the body, the right of the body, the right to the body with all the corollaries: the conjugal sexual debt, the conjugal sexual obligation and the conjugal sexual duty??? The sexual yoke between spouse???

The marital request for conjugal sex coming from her husband??? The principle of the practice of physical love, and the *exception of the non-practice of physical love *within marriage???
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In the marriage there is a type of conjugal alienation of bodies of each one,* in the catholic meaning*!!! *The conjugal sexual privileges *with some obligations, some duties and some rights. In the marriage, each spouse is not totally free, morally speaking, about the conjugal sex. Of course, the executory principle, and the forced execution are not existing, because it is a natural offense (a conjugal rape), but the illegitimate refusal for conjugal sex (no good reason in the catholic meaning) is immoral.
 
fpt said:
Does she know the catholic rules of marriage and of the conjugal act?
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I’m sure she probably does, but it doesn’t matter. She’s not trying to ‘break the rules’, she has a phobia.
 
Jay417 said:
I’m sorry, I have nowhere else to turn. My wife of five years just told me confessed to me that she has never wanted to get pregnant. She says she has a phobia about it that is crippling. She never let on about this as we prepped for marriage or as we were married. She wants to adopt, and I do as well, but she just told me she will never try to get pregnant again. She says she doesn’t ever want to be pregnant. I am a compromising man, and adopting a child is a beautiful thing that I want as well. But now the idea of sex has lost its intimacy, and I feel so much pain and hurt. I am having trouble talking to my wife without anger and hurt. What can I do? FYI we are both catholic and married in the church. We are 32 and 29.
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I highlighted a relevant part.

So, the two of you have tried to achieve pregnancy in the past.
 
Loly_Maria said:
I’m sure she probably does, but it doesn’t matter. She’s not trying to ‘break the rules’, she has a phobia.
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Yes, a phobia doesn’t have anything to do with objective reality.

I know a guy that is terrified of dogs (all dogs, no matter how sweet and fluffy) and he knows that objectively, they probably aren’t dangerous. (In fact, he’ll send his wife or kid to beg dog owners to leash their dogs.) However, he is nonetheless terrified by them.

Similarly, one could have a needle phobia while understanding that, objectively, it’s quite safe to be pricked by a hypodermic needle, but still be terrified by needles.
 
Irishmom2 said:
Maybe it is a language barrier, but I do not understand what you are asking or trying to say…😊
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The marriage is an institution, a contract, an alliance, a covenant and a consortium concerning the donation and the reception of two human persons, one male and one female: body, soul and heart. The notion of the conjugal debt and the notion of the conjugal rights are linked to conjugal sexuality. The marriage is a sexed and sexual institution with some sexed and sexual obligations,some sexed and sexual duties, some sexed and sexual rights; some sexed and sexual functions, some sexed and sexual roles, some sexed and sexual privileges.

In the catholic marriage:

The existence of the sexual donation of the body to the other, and of the sexual reception of the body by the other, what implies that the body of wife is the body of the husband and that the body of husband is the body of the wife, is existing.

The existence of the right to the body, of the right on the body and of the right of the body on the body of the other, with the sexual rights, with the sexual obligations, with the sexual duties, the sexual roles, the sexual functions of each member of the couple, is existing.

The doctrinal refusal of the existence of the right to the body, of the right on the body and of the right of the body with all the corollaries, the consequences and the implications, before the marriage, can be a cause of nullity of catholic marriage. And the doctrinal refusal of practicing the right to the body, the right on the body and the right of the body with all the corollaries, the consequences and the implications, during the marriage, can be a cause of non-respect of the conjugal morality (wrong acts, wrong thoughts, wrong doctrines, wrong behaviors to give or to receive).

IS SHE SINCERE? IS SHE HONEST? IS SHE A LIAR? DURING THE TIME WHErE THE COUPLE WAS TRYING TO CONCEIVE, WAS SHE HONEST?
 
Matt_Collins said:
That is a really thoughtless and crass remark.
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Let’s translate into more edifying language:

“If you are still enjoying marital relations and your spouse does not insist on birth control or sterilization, you’ve got a good thing going.”

Hard to argue with that.
 
Justin61790 said:
It’s her body so it’s ultimately up to her. You as a husband need to respect her decision. If this is a result of phobia then you may be able to help her overcome them, but above all you have to remember it’s her body. She will be carrying the fetus and giving birth to the child not you. So under no circumstances should you pressure her about this. If you are both ok with adoption then y’all should seriously consider it. Give a child in an unfortunate situation a loving home. That imo is one of the kindest most beautiful things human beings can do for another human being. I know adoption isn’t the same as making your own child with your spouse, but adoption can be equally rewarding and awesome in its own way for all parties involved.

Pray and be patient with your situation and your wife and the path God has you both on. Trust in Him and you and your wife won’t be led astray.
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Actually, it’s not her body anymore. In a Catholic (Christian) marriage, you give yourself entirely, without reserve, to your spouse.
 
I make no judgements about your wife. I have known more than one women during the course of my life that remained childless because she feared childbirth. So, her fear is not uncommon.

Now that you fully understand her position it is time for you to visit your priest for his (name removed by moderator)ut. At the same time, find a good psychologist to help you both deal with this issue. Phobias can be overcome. But, be advised she may not consent to counseling. If she does not then you should go by yourself.

Here is a link to an article that explains the phobia she may have.

psychology.wikia.com/wiki/Fear_of_childbirth

Unless and until you are able to come to grips with this problem then resentment toward your partner will grow and become a festering psychological wound that will eventually come to a head one way or another.

Adoption is a great alternative if you can resolve your feelings about not conceiving a child with your wife. Introducing a child into the marriage (through adoption) is only a good idea if and when you are able to willingly accept that you will/may never conceive a child with your wife.

Peace be with you.
 
Regina7 said:
Actually, it’s not her body anymore. In a Catholic (Christian) marriage, you give yourself entirely, without reserve, to your spouse.
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That’s not true, or else sexually assaulting your spouse would be considered acceptable within the Church, and it’s not.
 
Loly_Maria said:
That’s not true, or else sexually assaulting your spouse would be considered acceptable within the Church, and it’s not.
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It is true. If both spouses give to each other completely (which means total love, commitment and respect) THERE IS NO sexual assault.

Those who assault anyone (spouse included) are not living the Catholic way of marriage, which is always putting the other person first.
 
Regina7 said:
Those who assault anyone (spouse included) are not living the Catholic way of marriage, which is always putting the other person first.
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Putting the other person first, like understanding that they have a phobia and don’t want to be pregnant.
 
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