I need help. Wife refuses to try and get pregnant

[Regina7]

Putting the other person first, like understanding that they have a phobia and don’t want to be pregnant.

So a couple should make a life-long lasting choice on a phobia, whichby it’s very definition is irrational?

It doesn’t sound like OP’s wife is taking her husband into consideration at all.

 

[Jay417]

I feel I need to make something clear. I am not pressuring my wife to give me children, Period. I am being supportive and caring. I am handling my pain in silence beyond my first knee jerk reaction to being blind sided. I plan to adopt with her, I will not seek divorce. I have integrity and I am not a bully. But I turned here because I am in a place of hurt and confusion. I do feel rejected by my wife in a deep way, and I cannot talk to a therapist because I know all I will get is being told that my wife has the ultimate decision. I want the decision to be OURS not mine or hers alone. My current priest is aloof and barely at my small parish, I approached the topic with him and he brushed it off telling me to call a therapist. I would love to talk to a priest that cared.

As for four years ago, we actively tried for children since the first year of our marriage and had two pregnancies that only lasted 3 weeks. My wife told me after those that she was afraid to lose more, but wanted to try again after a break. So after about a year we started again, but she refused to chart her fertility anymore, so it was just purely guesswork. we also visited our doctor and found out she had a bad thyroid which contributed to the possible fertility issue. She was prescribed medicine to help, but would only take it if I physically handed it to her. So last week when she made this confession she admitted to feeling relieved when she miscarried, guilty for being relieved, but relieved nonetheless. She said that pregnancy scares her to the point that she would rather lose our marriage than conceive. That hurts me. Yes I am a man and I have feelings. There is nothing I can fathom that would make me say such to my wife. Honestly, I don’t want to end up childless, and if adoption works out I will never again ask my wife to become pregnant. But if adoption is an impossibility for any reason I do feel she should try and face the phobia for us. Before anyone suggests this, yes I would feel differently if she were ubnable to carry a child. I would be sad but understanding. To me being unable and unwilling are different.

During our engagement all she talked about was her desire for children, both adopted and birthed. I also wanted to adopt so I felt this was a good sign. During our pre-cana prep she gushed about wanting to have children, No I had no warning this could happen. She now claims all that was her faking it to try and really feel it. That these fears go back to her teen years. I asked her if her promise at the altar was real, and she said, “yes and no, I meant it when I said I’d be open to kids, just not kids from my body.” If she’d been honest from the start I would have still married her, but I wouldn’t have wasted years dreaming and hoping for what I thought was a shared goal. I feel so foolish.

I will never seek divorce or annulment, but I need strength and support to face this level of pain and in some ways betrayal.

 

[Jay417]

So a couple should make a life-long lasting choice on a phobia, whichby it’s very definition is irrational?

It doesn’t sound like OP’s wife is taking her husband into consideration at all.

She says she tried to face her fears for me earlier in our marriage, and now I have to understand she can’t face them again. She tells me I am not being considerate of her if I can’t accept not having a child with her. I am trying so hard to come to terms with all this and be considerate.

 

[Loly_Maria]

So a couple should make a life-long lasting choice on a phobia, whichby it’s very definition is irrational?

It doesn’t sound like OP’s wife is taking her husband into consideration at all.

Just because a phobia is irrational, doesn’t mean that the effects aren’t very real. People with serious phobias know that the phobia is irrational, but they can’t stop the anxiety. I imagine that the OP’s wife is very upset about this, especially if she wanted biological children herself, she just can’t help it.

Nobody is saying that the couple can’t try therapy for the phobia, but phobias are quite difficult to treat. Also, recovery from a phobia can take a long time, and can be very stressful and upsetting.

 

[marymary1975]

I highlighted a relevant part.

So, the two of you have tried to achieve pregnancy in the past.

Xantippe brings up a great point. She tried to achieve pregnancy! Is this the result of her having to go through a traumatic experience the first time? Is she having medical issues? There seems to be a bigger issue here than she doesn’t want to get pregnant and we don’t know what the bigger issue is so probably the only sound advice that anyone here can give you is that both of you need professional help.

 

[pensmama87]

I feel I need to make something clear. I am not pressuring my wife to give me children, Period. I am being supportive and caring. I am handling my pain in silence beyond my first knee jerk reaction to being blind sided. I plan to adopt with her, I will not seek divorce. I have integrity and I am not a bully. But I turned here because I am in a place of hurt and confusion. **I do feel rejected by my wife in a deep way, and I cannot talk to a therapist because I know all I will get is being told that my wife has the ultimate decision. **I want the decision to be OURS not mine or hers alone. My current priest is aloof and barely at my small parish, I approached the topic with him and he brushed it off telling me to call a therapist. I would love to talk to a priest that cared.

A good therapist will help you cope with this. That’s actually a lot of what therapists do - it’s not in their power to change the situation, and frequently the person requesting the counseling doesn’t have it either (though sometimes they do). What a good therapist will do is teach you how to cope with what you cannot change, and that sounds like exactly what you need. A good therapist will not merely say, “Suck it up and deal.” They will help you learn HOW to deal.

The reality is, though, that you can’t change your wife. And that stinks, it really does, and my heart goes out to you. It is devastating. Are there possibilities for treatment that could help your wife? Yes, and a few of them have been mentioned, but she has to do it, and you can’t make her. I think that is what people mean. Spouses should work for the good of the other, but they don’t always (or can’t), but it doesn’t relieve us of our responsibilities if we are the one being let down. It is awful to be in that position, and I’m so sorry you are facing it.

 

[Xantippe]

As for four years ago, we actively tried for children since the first year of our marriage and had two pregnancies that only lasted 3 weeks.

**Ooooooh.

That alone could be very traumatic.
**

My wife told me after those that she was afraid to lose more, but wanted to try again after a break. So after about a year we started again, but she refused to chart her fertility anymore, so it was just purely guesswork. we also visited our doctor and found out she had a bad thyroid which contributed to the possible fertility issue. She was prescribed medicine to help, but would only take it if I physically handed it to her. So last week when she made this confession she admitted to feeling relieved when she miscarried, guilty for being relieved, but relieved nonetheless. She said that pregnancy scares her to the point that she would rather lose our marriage than conceive. That hurts me. Yes I am a man and I have feelings. There is nothing I can fathom that would make me say such to my wife. Honestly, I don’t want to end up childless, and if adoption works out I will never again ask my wife to become pregnant. But if adoption is an impossibility for any reason I do feel she should try and face the phobia for us. Before anyone suggests this, yes I would feel differently if she were ubnable to carry a child. I would be sad but understanding. To me being unable and unwilling are different.

**For all you know, it is impossible (or very unlikely).

Two miscarriages in a row and no successful pregnancies after 5 years of marriage using NFP (including a stretch of trying) strongly suggests that the two of you are not very fertile together.

What your wife does and does not want in terms of pregnancy may actually have very little bearing on whether or not the two of you have a successful pregnancy. **

During our engagement all she talked about was her desire for children, both adopted and birthed. I also wanted to adopt so I felt this was a good sign. During our pre-cana prep she gushed about wanting to have children, No I had no warning this could happen. She now claims all that was her faking it to try and really feel it. That these fears go back to her teen years. I asked her if her promise at the altar was real, and she said, “yes and no, I meant it when I said I’d be open to kids, just not kids from my body.” If she’d been honest from the start I would have still married her, but I wouldn’t have wasted years dreaming and hoping for what I thought was a shared goal. I feel so foolish.

I will never seek divorce or annulment, but I need strength and support to face this level of pain and in some ways betrayal.

It’s quite possible that your wife is rewriting the past after the trauma and disappointment of two lost pregnancies.

 

[Xantippe]

A good therapist will help you cope with this. That’s actually a lot of what therapists do - it’s not in their power to change the situation, and frequently the person requesting the counseling doesn’t have it either (though sometimes they do). What a good therapist will do is teach you how to cope with what you cannot change, and that sounds like exactly what you need. A good therapist will not merely say, “Suck it up and deal.” They will help you learn HOW to deal.

Yes.

 

[ajecphotos]

My wife was dead against getting pregnant for many years! I went along with her as i understood but, during those years that she didnt want a child we did use contraception (Slap of the wrist i know) but, after some time she decided she would like to have a child. She was very scared of childbirth!! In the end we had a gorgeous child whom we both love dearly.

Time is a great healer and you seem like a good husband (unlike me). Maybe seek some proper medical advice and see where that takes you.

God bless

 

[Xantippe]

By the way, could there be some sort of unidentified problem that caused the miscarriages?

I know three in a row is the usual number that OBs require before doing serious investigation, but that’s very hard on the family.

I wonder if you shouldn’t do genetic counseling. My OB told me a story of a patient of hers that had a rare condition where the chromosomes would get reversed (I forget the exact terminology), and she wound up having 10 miscarriages before having a successful pregnancy and then immediately started trying again, as the patient knew that it was just a numbers game in her particular case. (I personally heard that story and was 100% sure that I’d never do that, not in a million years.)

Best wishes!

 

[Jay417]

I’ve been tested and so has she, other than her thyroid we are fine in relation to having children. I agree miscarriages are a bad sign, though looking back I realize most likely this phobia caused them. She confessed to being terrified when we got a positive test and going back to smoking and drinking RedBull. I was unaware of all this.She said the anxiety is why she lost them. True or not I don’t know. I asked if she tried to terminate the pregnancies and she says not intentionally, but she did want them to end.

What I’m realizing is how alone I am with all of this. I have to give up wanting, or being open to a baby with my wife. I have to accept if adoption fails I will never have a child. In the end she gets her desire only if I deny mine. She gets everything and I nothing. My cross to bear I guess. Not the same thing I suppose, but a month ago I conquered my largest phobia, that of heights. I climbed onto the roof and fixed a leak. She was stunned, and asked, “but you’re deathly afraid of heights?” I told her, “yes I am, and this was so hard I became ill while doing it, but I wasn’t going to let a phobia destroy our home.” Ironic.

Thank you all for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I get the answer now. I give.

 

[Xantippe]

I’ve been tested and so has she, other than her thyroid we are fine in relation to having children. I agree miscarriages are a bad sign, though looking back I realize most likely this phobia caused them. She confessed to being terrified when we got a positive test and going back to smoking and drinking RedBull. I was unaware of all this.She said the anxiety is why she lost them. True or not I don’t know. I asked if she tried to terminate the pregnancies and she says not intentionally, but she did want them to end.

**Talk to an OB about this.

I think what you’ll be told is that there’s close to zero chance that anything your wife did caused a miscarriage and especially not two early miscarriages.

If Red Bull invariably caused miscarriages, the US population would collapse. Also, back in the day, huge percentages of expectant mothers smoked. In fact, it was even encouraged in order to keep mom and baby moderately-sized and help with a safe delivery. That may sound crazy, but given the state of obstetrics at the time, it was somewhat reasonable.**

**Oh, and work with a therapist on how to talk to your wife about this stuff. It sounds like you’ve been very blame-y about your wife’s miscarriages and you may need some pointers on how to apologize for some of what you’ve said. If I were your wife and I knew that you were holding me responsible for two miscarriages, I wouldn’t want to get pregnant again, either. **

What I’m realizing is how alone I am with all of this. I have to give up wanting, or being open to a baby with my wife. I have to accept if adoption fails I will never have a child. In the end she gets her desire only if I deny mine. She gets everything and I nothing.

**But no matter what (unless she gets sterilized and maybe not even then), she’s going to suffer from anxiety throughout her fertile years.

I’m not sure how that is getting what she wants.**

My cross to bear I guess. Not the same thing I suppose, but a month ago I conquered my largest phobia, that of heights. I climbed onto the roof and fixed a leak. She was stunned, and asked, “but you’re deathly afraid of heights?” I told her, “yes I am, and this was so hard I became ill while doing it, but I wasn’t going to let a phobia destroy our home.” Ironic.

Thank you all for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I get the answer now. I give.

 

[Jay417]

I’ve never blamed her for them, I am educated and well read, I know how common miscarriages are for all women. I am passing on information she gave me. She blames herself and is okay with it. I spent years assuring her that things were fine.

I had no idea it was so terrible of me to be upset about all this. In retrospect I should have gone with my instincts and suffered silently. I was just reaching out for support during a terrible time.

 

[whm]

I’ve never blamed her for them, I am educated and well read, I know how common miscarriages are for all women. I am passing on information she gave me. She blames herself and is okay with it. I spent years assuring her that things were fine.

I had no idea it was so terrible of me to be upset about all this. In retrospect I should have gone with my instincts and suffered silently. I was just reaching out for support during a terrible time.

All I can say is that I’ve gone through some of the same issues you are dealing with now. Other than that, this forum tends to be biased towards the women(not intentionally), don’t take it personal

 

[Regina7]

I’ve never blamed her for them, I am educated and well read, I know how common miscarriages are for all women. I am passing on information she gave me. She blames herself and is okay with it. I spent years assuring her that things were fine.

I had no idea it was so terrible of me to be upset about all this. In retrospect I should have gone with my instincts and suffered silently. I was just reaching out for support during a terrible time.

I’m a woman who have had both miscarriages and mental health issues, and I can say that your situation just plain stinks. Bottom line, regardless of whatever health (mental or physical) problems she has, the fact that she’s unwilling to budge or even go to therapy (unless to fix you) is just garbage. I don’t know what the solution is, but you certainly don’t need to accept never having children. You can still be loving and considerate- that doesn’t mean you have to agree with her and stand idly by.

The last comment was correct- there are many feminists in disguise here.

 

[Xantippe]

I’ve never blamed her for them, I am educated and well read, I know how common miscarriages are for all women. I am passing on information she gave me. She blames herself and is okay with it. I spent years assuring her that things were fine.

**I don’t think she is “okay with it.” It sounds like she’s really suffering and she probably should talk to her OB and do therapy so she can convince herself she didn’t cause her miscarriages.

Your wife is in a really bad place if she thinks her Red Bull and smoking caused her miscarriages.**

I had no idea it was so terrible of me to be upset about all this. In retrospect I should have gone with my instincts and suffered silently. I was just reaching out for support during a terrible time.

You are getting support.

People are giving you constructive advice.

Are you going to follow up or are you going to “suffer silently” (i.e. leave your wife suffering in whatever hell she happens to be)?

It sounds like you are way more functional than your wife at this point. Whatever help is going to be found, you are going to have to arrange it.

 

[Xantippe]

On reflection, if you do have a successful pregnancy, I’d keep an eye on your wife both for antenatal depression and postpartum depression (and maybe even postpartum psychosis).

She seems like a very likely candidate for one or both.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postpartum_psychosis

So, step carefully.

 

[Jay417]

On reflection, if you do have a successful pregnancy, I’d keep an eye on your wife both for antenatal depression and postpartum depression (and maybe even postpartum psychosis).

She seems like a very likely candidate for one or both.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postpartum_psychosis

So, step carefully.

I have to agree. I don’t think I will pursue a pregnancy with her anymore. I feel better focusing on adoption since that way she can avoid her pain, and we can still be parents.

Oh and when I say suffer silently I mean myself not her. I will help and support her, but stop asking for help with my personal hurt. I have to learn to give up my feelings for a greater good. Her feelings.

 

[pensmama87]

I have to agree. I don’t think I will pursue a pregnancy with her anymore. I feel better focusing on adoption since that way she can avoid her pain, and we can still be parents.

Oh and when I say suffer silently I mean myself not her. I will help and support her, but stop asking for help with my personal hurt. I have to learn to give up my feelings for a greater good. Her feelings.

Just to clarify - I think it makes sense for you to not necessarily look to her for help with this specific issue, because she could interpret it as blaming, which just prolongs the hurt for both of you. But I don’t think it would be wise for you to deny that you hurt. You may just need to look elsewhere, like a trusted counselor, to navigate this. It is an unusual situation and you’re in a bad spot.

Also, while we should make sacrifices for our spouses, it is not because their feelings are more important than ours. It is OK for you to be hurt. It just probably won’t be productive to wallow in it.

There are more choices than “swallow the pain and pretend it doesn’t exist” and “endlessly tell my wife about how much she is hurting me.”

Perhaps I am not reading you correctly.

 

[heidi_storage]

I have to agree. I don’t think I will pursue a pregnancy with her anymore. I feel better focusing on adoption since that way she can avoid her pain, and we can still be parents.

Oh and when I say suffer silently I mean myself not her. I will help and support her, but stop asking for help with my personal hurt. I have to learn to give up my feelings for a greater good. Her feelings.

Nonsense; stuffing your hurt down won’t achieve anything. In my opinion, and in the opinion of many others, you’ve gotten a raw deal. Do what you need to do to truly make peace with this.