I need help. Wife refuses to try and get pregnant

[Xantippe]

Just to clarify - I think it makes sense for you to not necessarily look to her for help with this specific issue, because she could interpret it as blaming, which just prolongs the hurt for both of you. But I don’t think it would be wise for you to deny that you hurt. You may just need to look elsewhere, like a trusted counselor, to navigate this. It is an unusual situation and you’re in a bad spot.

Also, while we should make sacrifices for our spouses, it is not because their feelings are more important than ours. It is OK for you to be hurt. It just probably won’t be productive to wallow in it.

There are more choices than “swallow the pain and pretend it doesn’t exist” and “endlessly tell my wife about how much she is hurting me.”

Perhaps I am not reading you correctly.

Right.

When my husband and I had a late miscarriage, he wasn’t actually the best person for me to talk to for comfort, as he was suffering, too and me going on and on about my pain would have amplified his pain, and then neither of us would have gotten out.

If you’re drowning, the way out is not to grab another drowning swimmer and pull them down with you. You both need help from outside.

 

[ajecphotos]

Right.

When my husband and I had a late miscarriage, he wasn’t actually the best person for me to talk to for comfort, as he was suffering, too and me going on and on about my pain would have amplified his pain, and then neither of us would have gotten out.

If you’re drowning, the way out is not to grab another drowning swimmer and pull them down with you. You both need help from outside.

You need serious help!!

 

[nodito]

I asked her if her promise at the altar was real, and she said, “yes and no, I meant it when I said I’d be open to kids, just not kids from my body.” If she’d been honest from the start I would have still married her, but I wouldn’t have wasted years dreaming and hoping for what I thought was a shared goal. I feel so foolish.

I will never seek divorce or annulment, but I need strength and support to face this level of pain and in some ways betrayal.

Just so you are aware, though, a permanent intention against having biological children is an impediment to a valid marriage. It seems that her attempts to conceive four years ago would contradict her stated intention to avoid all children, unless she had planned on aborting or trying to abort once she conceived. But you say she didn’t intentionally try to abort them, right?

 

[Luvz2travel]

I’m sorry, I have nowhere else to turn. My wife of five years just told me confessed to me that she has never wanted to get pregnant. She says she has a phobia about it that is crippling. She never let on about this as we prepped for marriage or as we were married. She wants to adopt, and I do as well, but she just told me she will never try to get pregnant again. She says she doesn’t ever want to be pregnant. I am a compromising man, and adopting a child is a beautiful thing that I want as well. But now the idea of sex has lost its intimacy, and I feel so much pain and hurt. I am having trouble talking to my wife without anger and hurt. What can I do? FYI we are both catholic and married in the church. We are 32 and 29.

Phobia’s are really and can be quite annoying and illogical. I have a bad bug phobia myself and as much as I know most bugs can’t hurt me I also have a real fear of some of them. I’m battling ants in the apartment at the moment and there have been times I was afraid to go home. Again as much as I know it’s silly it still doesn’t take away the real fear that’s there. I’m going for help your wife should too.

 

[Jay417]

Just so you are aware, though, a permanent intention against having biological children is an impediment to a valid marriage. It seems that her attempts to conceive four years ago would contradict her stated intention to avoid all children, unless she had planned on aborting or trying to abort once she conceived. But you say she didn’t intentionally try to abort them, right?

No, she said she would never do that. But she says she feels her body will not let her stay pregnant with her phobia. We talked more today, and in the end I have no choice but to give in to her request to never try again to conceive. It’s that or annulment, which today she said she would grant me if I felt I needed it, She cried and cried saying she wants our marriage, but understands it is horrible to ask me to stay in a childless marriage. I told her I want a family with her not without her. I do not want an annulment I want to work through this.

 

[whm]

No, she said she would never do that. But she says she feels her body will not let her stay pregnant with her phobia. We talked more today, and in the end I have no choice but to give in to her request to never try again to conceive. It’s that or annulment, which today she said she would grant me if I felt I needed it, She cried and cried saying she wants our marriage, but understands it is horrible to ask me to stay in a childless marriage. I told her I want a family with her not without her. I do not want an annulment I want to work through this.

You’re a good man. If you are able to keep the communication open like this, you guys will be able to deal with this situation. If the communication shuts down, this could be very difficult.

 

[Jay417]

You’re a good man. If you are able to keep the communication open like this, you guys will be able to deal with this situation. If the communication shuts down, this could be very difficult.

I agree. Also, I truly want to adopt, that isn’t an issue. My pain was feeling lied to and given an ultimatum about something so serious. I was blind sided. Now feeling more rational I can step back and find a path to fight this without anger. I love my wife, and she is more to me than just a womb, but I do want life to come from our union God willing. However, if God intends our children to be from adoption I welcome them all.

 

[underacloud]

I cannot talk to a therapist because I know all I will get is being told that my wife has the ultimate decision. I want the decision to be OURS not mine or hers alone.

I would not presume this to be the outcome. A (good) therapist will help you two communicate with each other and help you understand each other’s perspective better.

This may help you see (a bit better) how difficult this is for your wife and how it’s not so much a betrayal or deciet as it is a severe mental/psychological deficit.

And it should help your wife understand your perspective better too. And this is the most likely thing to encourage her at least consider reconsidering. A good therapist will make sure that your voice is heard.

And…what have you got to lose?

Before anyone suggests this, yes I would feel differently if she were ubnable to carry a child. I would be sad but understanding. To me being unable and unwilling are different.

If this is a genuine and severe phobia, then in a very real way she really is “unable” to get pregnant. Even people who are very willing often cannot overcome a phobia. Phobias are irrational, and rarely truly overcome. In this case, being unable and being unwilling are not so different.

By the way - good on you for standing by her and being fully committed to the marriage. This may hurt right now, but out of trial comes strength and your long term future may be truly blessed through the hard work you do on your marriage now.

 

[Xantippe]

I agree. Also, I truly want to adopt, that isn’t an issue. My pain was feeling lied to and given an ultimatum about something so serious. I was blind sided. Now feeling more rational I can step back and find a path to fight this without anger. I love my wife, and she is more to me than just a womb, but I do want life to come from our union God willing. However, if God intends our children to be from adoption I welcome them all.

Very good!

I would not put a lot of weight on the idea that your wife lied to you going into marriage about having children, especially given that she got pregnant twice within the past five years.

People who are going through dark times often have a hard time remembering what it was like when things were better, even when that was quite recently. Your wife may genuinely not remember her state of mind five years ago.

 

[Xantippe]

I
This may help you see (a bit better) how difficult this is for your wife and how it’s not so much a betrayal or deciet as it is a severe mental/psychological deficit.

And it should help your wife understand your perspective better too. And this is the most likely thing to encourage her at least consider reconsidering. A good therapist will make sure that your voice is heard.

And…what have you got to lose?

Right.

If you can afford kids, you can afford therapy. If you don’t have the time or money for therapy, you probably also don’t have the time or money for kids.

 

[slh3016]

I am so sorry for your situation. I hope your wife gets the mental health care that she needs.

I’m pretty sure that, when adopting, though, each parent has to take a psychological examination. I hope that her irrational fears/phobia will not prove detrimental to the adoption process.

Again, so sorry.

 

[Jay417]

I have the money for therapy, its finding a catholic therapy session less than 2 or 3 hours from us that is tough. I have standard therapists in my area I may try.

 

[CthgeDelendaEst]

Since when is a woman’s right to choose what is done to her body considered “female misbehavior”? And it doesn’t matter if she wanted children when they first got married. That was then this is now. People change.
E
And maybe she just thought that in time she would come around to the idea of carrying and giving birth to a child. She hasn’t come around to the idea, but she might yet. But pressuring her is going to only make her resent him. The OP needs to give her some time and be patient. Not treat her like her body is his property to impregnate with his seed. She isn’t a broodmare. She is a human being with the right to choose and to decide when she wants to be pregnant.

This argument could easily be used to justify abortion. Remember what Jesus said about that becoming one flesh thing? Her body belongs to him, as his does to hers. I haven’t read the additional responses since I posted late last night, but am expecting a lot of excuses and feminist outrage. I’m sure I won’t be disappointed.

 

[LightBound]

This argument could easily be used to justify abortion. Remember what Jesus said about that becoming one flesh thing? Her body belongs to him, as his does to hers. I haven’t read the additional responses since I posted late last night, but am expecting a lot of excuses and feminist outrage. I’m sure I won’t be disappointed.

Maybe he ought just claim his conjugal rights and have his way with her? That’s what people like you live for, isn’t it? Afterall, those women just better put out, they got married, they know they better never refuse. Maybe he could just beat the phobia out of her. Would that please you? I hope I didn’t disappoint.

 

[LightBound]

This argument could easily be used to justify abortion. Remember what Jesus said about that becoming one flesh thing? Her body belongs to him, as his does to hers. I haven’t read the additional responses since I posted late last night, but am expecting a lot of excuses and feminist outrage. I’m sure I won’t be disappointed.

Hey, Dalrock called, They are wondering where you have been

 

[underacloud]

I haven’t read the additional responses since I posted late last night, but am expecting a lot of excuses and feminist outrage. I’m sure I won’t be disappointed.

Actually, I think you’ll be very disappointed. Posters have been far more interested in trying to help the OP than in worrying about your provocative nonesense. Perhaps you should try saying something even more outragous if you want a proper response?

 

[Carjack1]

I agree. Also, I truly want to adopt, that isn’t an issue. My pain was feeling lied to and given an ultimatum about something so serious. I was blind sided. Now feeling more rational I can step back and find a path to fight this without anger. I love my wife, and she is more to me than just a womb, but I do want life to come from our union God willing. However, if God intends our children to be from adoption I welcome them all.

I think she would appreciate hearing that if you have not said so already. Miscarriages are hard. She may feel like she is a rejection as a woman and is scared to go through another miscarriage. Patience and therapy may be helpful. She may not have healed emotionally from it. My prayers for you both.

 

[Jay417]

I think she would appreciate hearing that if you have not said so already. Miscarriages are hard. She may feel like she is a rejection as a woman and is scared to go through another miscarriage. Patience and therapy may be helpful. She may not have healed emotionally from it. My prayers for you both.

I told her that many times over these last few days.
Tonight she asked me to leave the house for a few hours so she could be alone. I did, and talked to a very trustworthy friend. He helped me to see that I cannot escape this without pain. He said I have no choice but to give up on biological children and focus on adoption. I know he is right. When I got home I officially told her I give up, and that if adoption failed we will be childless and I won’t argue. I had no choice, she met me with an ultimatum, agree 100% or she will move out and stay with her best friend, I guess they talked while I was out. Now she is sleeping peacefully and happy while I am up throwing away all of our pregnancy books, tests, her NFP stuff etc…She asked that it all be gone so I don’t cling to false hope. I even threw away our old baby rosary from her childhood. She says she doesn’t want that to go to an adopted child since that child would be too old to need it. I can’t pretend this is easy. It’s a knife in the chest to be honest.

 

[underacloud]

I told her that many times over these last few days.
Tonight she asked me to leave the house for a few hours so she could be alone. I did, and talked to a very trustworthy friend. He helped me to see that I cannot escape this without pain. He said I have no choice but to give up on biological children and focus on adoption. I know he is right. When I got home I officially told her I give up, and that if adoption failed we will be childless and I won’t argue. I had no choice, she met me with an ultimatum, agree 100% or she will move out and stay with her best friend, I guess they talked while I was out. Now she is sleeping peacefully and happy while I am up throwing away all of our pregnancy books, tests, her NFP stuff etc…She asked that it all be gone so I don’t cling to false hope. I even threw away our old baby rosary from her childhood. She says she doesn’t want that to go to an adopted child since that child would be too old to need it. I can’t pretend this is easy. It’s a knife in the chest to be honest.

I’m very sorry to hear this.

Now I will suggested counselling for another reason than before - because your wife is being manipulatve and controlling, and grossly unfair. Based on her ultimatum (which is immature and selfish, taken at face value), I’m more understanding of you feelings of hurt over this. I’m very sorry your wife has chosen to deal with things this way.

 

[fpt]

I’m sorry, I have nowhere else to turn. My wife of five years just told me confessed to me that she has never wanted to get pregnant. She says she has a phobia about it that is crippling. She never let on about this as we prepped for marriage or as we were married. She wants to adopt, and I do as well, but she just told me she will never try to get pregnant again. She says she doesn’t ever want to be pregnant. I am a compromising man, and adopting a child is a beautiful thing that I want as well. But now the idea of sex has lost its intimacy, and I feel so much pain and hurt. I am having trouble talking to my wife without anger and hurt. What can I do? FYI we are both catholic and married in the church. We are 32 and 29.

Does she agree with the fact of practicing the conjugal act with you (her husband) during her infertile periods? Yes or no? Does she schedule the conjugal act with you (her husband) during these specific days? What will happen* if she conceives in these conditions? What will her reaction? Is she ready for this possibility? What does she say, today, about that?*

Does she refuse the conjugal act with you* all the time?* Is it totally finished? Is it over??? Does she want to force you to be a “conjugal monk”? Does she want to force you to live like brother and sister?

Does she agree with to consult catholic specialists: a philosopher, a theologian, a canon lawyer, a moralist and ethicist, a psychologist, a psychiatrist, a psychoanalyst, a general physician, a gynecologist, a midwife, a sexologist, a priest (a confessor and a spiritual director)???

Is she honest with you? Is she manipulative with you? Is she a liar with you? Her phobia, is it true? How to know the truth about that? Did she consult a specialist?