I need help. Wife refuses to try and get pregnant

[fpt]

I’m sorry, I have nowhere else to turn. My wife of five years just told me confessed to me that she has never wanted to get pregnant. She says she has a phobia about it that is crippling. She never let on about this as we prepped for marriage or as we were married. She wants to adopt, and I do as well, but she just told me she will never try to get pregnant again. She says she doesn’t ever want to be pregnant. I am a compromising man, and adopting a child is a beautiful thing that I want as well. But now the idea of sex has lost its intimacy, and I feel so much pain and hurt. I am having trouble talking to my wife without anger and hurt. What can I do? FYI we are both catholic and married in the church. We are 32 and 29.

I am as Saint Thomas, I want and need to have some evidences, some proofs & testimonies coming from catholic specialists. As husband, you have the fundamental right (the natural law), coming from your state of husband, to request these scientific elements? An investigation is very useful.

What does it mean if she refuse to consult those catholic specialists? A phobia??? A bad faith coming from her??? Only, the specialists have the skills for identifying the mental, psychological, psychical, psychological, physical, spiritual and religious troubles.

Do not be naive, be caution, be careful, be prudent and do not be blinded by the love or by the feelings for her.

 

[fpt]

Corrections:

Does she agree with the fact of practicing the conjugal act with you (her husband) during her infertile periods? Yes or no? Does she schedule the conjugal act with you (her husband) during these specific days? What will happen* if she conceives in these conditions? What will her reaction? Is she ready for this possibility? What does she say, today, about that?*

Does she refuse the conjugal act with you* all the time?* Is it totally finished? Is it over??? Does she want to force you to be a “conjugal monk”? Does she want to force you to live like brother and sister?

Does she agree with the fact of consulting catholic specialists: a philosopher, a theologian, a canon lawyer, a moralist and ethicist, a psychologist, a psychiatrist, a psychoanalyst, a general physician, a gynecologist, a midwife, a sexologist, a priest (a confessor and a spiritual director)???

Is she honest with you? Is she manipulative with you? Is she a liar with you? Her phobia, is it true? How to know the truth about that? Did she consult a specialist?

Do you know that, as husband, you have the natural moral right to refuse to adopt a child. You have this natural right.

Do you know that, as a wife, she is under your conjugal sexual yoke that has to respect the natural moral order of the marriage? By principle, she has no the moral right to refuse the marital act with effects. Only, by exception this right of refusing is existing, under conditions.

 

[fpt]

Other corrections with a plus:

Corrections:

Do you know that, as husband, you have the natural moral right to refuse to adopt a child. You have this natural right.

Do you know that, as a wife, she is under your conjugal sexual yoke that has to respect the natural moral order of the marriage? By principle, she does not have the moral right to refuse the marital act with *the *effects. Only, by exception this right of refusing is existing, under conditions.

You should study the possibility of the annulment of this “marriage”. May be, you are not a spouse, a husband, but a pseudo-spouse.

 

[DakiniArtist]

May I?

Please don’t throw away all of the baby stuff, especially. A childhood rosary. This sounds like some depressive issues and things lost may later be regretted. Perhaps store it with a trusted friend for now?

I’d bet something deeper is going on here. Hope you both get to the bottom of it soon.

My prayers for you continue.

 

[slh3016]

Having suffered a loss myself, I feel that there is a strong likelihood that your wife feels like her body betrayed her TWICE….

It is hard to experience miscarriage and then suffer infertility afterwards when you were on the precipice of having what you so longed for and desired. I remember all those grueling months of charting my temps, having blood drawn, etc. only to start it all again the next month. It is torture for a woman’s emotional well-being. I still remember the helplessness I felt all those months and that was 8 years ago.

I think as one poster said, your wife is trying to rewrite the past. I think she doesn’t want to face or experience the pain she felt the first two times all over again. It’s much easier to pretend (either consciously or subconsciously) that she really didn’t want the two that were lost and not want any others, than to have to open that door again that she has slammed shut. She is being obstinate, I believe, as a defense mechanism. Obviously, she is not afraid of being a mother because she has agreed to adopt. The difference is, and I experienced this, too, adopting is more of a “sure thing.” Yes, there’s a lot of waiting involved and long process but you’re pretty much guaranteed a child in the end. Conceiving and carrying a child is not a sure thing, especially since she’s suffered two losses already. She feels like she is trying to protect you and herself from heartache and disappointment.

Again, this is only conjecture but I’m willing to bet there’s a lot of truth to it……

God bless you both.

 

[Xantippe]

May I?

Please don’t throw away all of the baby stuff, especially. A childhood rosary. This sounds like some depressive issues and things lost may later be regretted. Perhaps store it with a trusted friend for now?

I’d bet something deeper is going on here. Hope you both get to the bottom of it soon.

My prayers for you continue.

Yes.

 

[Xantippe]

Having suffered a loss myself, I feel that there is a strong likelihood that your wife feels like her body betrayed her TWICE….

It is hard to experience miscarriage and then suffer infertility afterwards when you were on the precipice of having what you so longed for and desired. I remember all those grueling months of charting my temps, having blood drawn, etc. only to start it all again the next month. It is torture for a woman’s emotional well-being. I still remember the helplessness I felt all those months and that was 8 years ago.

I think as one poster said, your wife is trying to rewrite the past. I think she doesn’t want to face or experience the pain she felt the first two times all over again. It’s much easier to pretend (either consciously or subconsciously) that she really didn’t want the two that were lost and not want any others, than to have to open that door again that she has slammed shut. She is being obstinate, I believe, as a defense mechanism. Obviously, she is not afraid of being a mother because she has agreed to adopt. The difference is, and I experienced this, too, adopting is more of a “sure thing.” Yes, there’s a lot of waiting involved and long process but you’re pretty much guaranteed a child in the end. Conceiving and carrying a child is not a sure thing, especially since she’s suffered two losses already. She feels like she is trying to protect you and herself from heartache and disappointment.

Again, this is only conjecture but I’m willing to bet there’s a lot of truth to it……

God bless you both.

Yes.

There’s a very strong connection between miscarriage and depression, and that holds even after a successful pregnancy.

webmd.com/depression/postpartum-depression/news/20110303/depression-after-miscarriage-can-linger

“Among the women who had one previous miscarriage or stillbirth, 13% were still experiencing symptoms of depression almost three years later, and about 19% of women who had two previous pregnancy losses were still depressed after 33 months, the study showed.”

"History of pregnancy loss may be a risk factor for postpartum depression in a similar way as other known risk factors, such as personal or family history of depression, the researchers write.

"Depression or anxiety can have negative consequences for moms and their newborns. “Identifying women at risk can help get them the help that they need,” Blackmore says.

“Don’t assume having a healthy baby will resolve your previous anxiety and depression, and be on the lookout for signs,” she says."

So, even if you “just” pursue adoption, your wife is going to need substantial psychological support to keep her on an even keel through early motherhood.

Unfortunately, adoptive mothers are also at risk for postpartum depression, even without the pregnancy and childbirth experience:

chicagonow.com/portrait-of-an-adoption/2014/06/where-postpartum-depression-meets-adoption-looking-beyond-hormones-in-maternal-mental-illness/

As I mentioned, we had a late miscarriage that I had a very hard time to get over. My particular reaction was to try to get pregnant as soon as possible and to have a live baby as soon as I could at pretty much all costs. However, it is quite possible to have the opposite reaction–to be terrified by the consequences of pregnancy and to want to avoid it at all costs. One of those reactions is more Catholically “politically correct”, but both reactions are coming from basically the same place.

 

[Jay417]

I am as Saint Thomas, I want and need to have some evidences, some proofs & testimonies coming from catholic specialists. As husband, you have the fundamental right (the natural law), coming from your state of husband, to request these scientific elements? An investigation is very useful.

What does it mean if she refuse to consult those catholic specialists? A phobia??? A bad faith coming from her??? Only, the specialists have the skills for identifying the mental, psychological, psychical, psychological, physical, spiritual and religious troubles.

Do not be naive, be caution, be careful, be prudent and do not be blinded by the love or by the feelings for her.

She agrees to seek help from a catholic therapist, to hope that if she ended up pregnant she could handle it. But she does not want to get pregnant on purpose is how she phrased it last night. She does not refuse sex to me during fertile or infertile times, in fact we’ve always had a great sex life. As for adoption, I would never refuse that, I want that as well even if we had biological kids. I want to help her, not abandon her. Our marriage is strong, this is the only thing that has challenged it to such a degree. We have endured job loss, family deaths, illnesses etc…this too shall pass.

 

[Jay417]

Having suffered a loss myself, I feel that there is a strong likelihood that your wife feels like her body betrayed her TWICE….

It is hard to experience miscarriage and then suffer infertility afterwards when you were on the precipice of having what you so longed for and desired. I remember all those grueling months of charting my temps, having blood drawn, etc. only to start it all again the next month. It is torture for a woman’s emotional well-being. I still remember the helplessness I felt all those months and that was 8 years ago.

I think as one poster said, your wife is trying to rewrite the past. I think she doesn’t want to face or experience the pain she felt the first two times all over again. It’s much easier to pretend (either consciously or subconsciously) that she really didn’t want the two that were lost and not want any others, than to have to open that door again that she has slammed shut. She is being obstinate, I believe, as a defense mechanism. Obviously, she is not afraid of being a mother because she has agreed to adopt. The difference is, and I experienced this, too, adopting is more of a “sure thing.” Yes, there’s a lot of waiting involved and long process but you’re pretty much guaranteed a child in the end. Conceiving and carrying a child is not a sure thing, especially since she’s suffered two losses already. She feels like she is trying to protect you and herself from heartache and disappointment.

Again, this is only conjecture but I’m willing to bet there’s a lot of truth to it……

I have to agree with you on this, because a few years ago she told me she was afraid to miscarry again, but wanted to try to get pregnant. She then asked me if she got pregnant could she have a planned caesarean since she has some hip issues and was afraid of labor. I told her most likely as long as the doctor felt it a better option. She never said she was phobic of being pregnant, only scared of miscarriage and uncomfortable with labor. I think she sees adoption as a sure thing too, especially since I got us into a group and we are actually in the process now. We have done the home study and have to take the mandatory classes next month and then we are just waiting for the call.

God bless you both.

 

[Xantippe]

She agrees to seek help from a catholic therapist, to hope that if she ended up pregnant she could handle it. But she does not want to get pregnant on purpose is how she phrased it last night. She does not refuse sex to me during fertile or infertile times, in fact we’ve always had a great sex life.

That’s very good.

“Trying” could be very disappointing and frustrating, given your past history.

 

[Xantippe]

Ask around and see if you can find a good OB that is willing to do a maternal request c-section.

The pros and cons of maternal request c-section would be another thing to talk to an OB about. I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

 

[Spark2]

Please be very cautious about this. A phobia is not a joke. I suffer from a needle phobia and since my husband very much wanted a child, I worked very hard to overcome it. I did cognitive behavioral therapy, a panic and phobia group, developed a plan with a midwife and did basically everything feasible to prepare for a pregnancy that could involve needles.

And then I got pregnant. With multiples. This had not been in the plans, and all my prep went out the window. I got gestational diabetes. Needles. Premature labor. Needles. Pre eclampsia. Needles. Several forced epidurals. A c section. I was at over a hundred shots ( not including the diabetic ones) by the end of the pregnancy.

My children are now here, and frankly, I haven’t managed to bond with them. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and am trying to get over the birth and my therapist says I may yet, but the children are several years old and I can’t say I would do it all over again. I feel so sad, but I can’t force myself to love them.

This doesn’t mean this will happen to your wife, of course, and I wish you all the best outcomes. However, a phobia is REAL and you may not be able to overcome this in all cases.

 

[Jay417]

Please be very cautious about this. A phobia is not a joke. I suffer from a needle phobia and since my husband very much wanted a child, I worked very hard to overcome it. I did cognitive behavioral therapy, a panic and phobia group, developed a plan with a midwife and did basically everything feasible to prepare for a pregnancy that could involve needles.

And then I got pregnant. With multiples. This had not been in the plans, and all my prep went out the window. I got gestational diabetes. Needles. Premature labor. Needles. Pre eclampsia. Needles. Several forced epidurals. A c section. I was at over a hundred shots ( not including the diabetic ones) by the end of the pregnancy.

My children are now here, and frankly, I haven’t managed to bond with them. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and am trying to get over the birth and my therapist says I may yet, but the children are several years old and I can’t say I would do it all over again. I feel so sad, but I can’t force myself to love them.

This doesn’t mean this will happen to your wife, of course, and I wish you all the best outcomes. However, a phobia is REAL and you may not be able to overcome this in all cases.

I am so sorry for your experience. That is a horrible outcome after all your hard work. I do take her phobia seriously, and I want her to get better regardless of an actual pregnancy.

 

[slh3016]

I have to agree with you on this, because a few years ago she told me she was afraid to miscarry again, but wanted to try to get pregnant. She then asked me if she got pregnant could she have a planned caesarean since she has some hip issues and was afraid of labor. I told her most likely as long as the doctor felt it a better option. She never said she was phobic of being pregnant, only scared of miscarriage and uncomfortable with labor. I think she sees adoption as a sure thing too, especially since I got us into a group and we are actually in the process now. We have done the home study and have to take the mandatory classes next month and then we are just waiting for the call.

It’s much easier, emotionally, to convince yourself that you don’t even want to be pregnant than to make yourself emotionally vulnerable to hope and loss again month after month after month. Those 28 day cycles become the longest 28 days of your life, every single month if you don’t become pregnant. It is torturous. While a husband can empathize, he cannot truly understand what a woman goes through in all the waiting, especially if the waiting ends in disappointment, either by miscarriage or the dreaded “visit”. In her mind, the options are:

1. Actively TTC every month and most likely not = you disappointed and her heart broken, every single month
2. Actively TTC and become pregnant, most likely miscarry = you disappointed and her heart broken, every single time
3. Not TTC, actively pursue adoption = you get a child, she gets a child, no more disappointment or heartache
4. Conceive and carry a baby = 8 more months of worrying, possible problems at birth, still possible heartache, etc.

Honestly, now that I see that your wife fits into this category versus the purely selfish one of depriving you of your desires, my advice is to love your wife and love her well. She is afraid and she may or may not overcome this fear after adoption. If she does, great, and if she doesn’t, please continue to love her. I would not have given you this advice when I read your OP originally, but I find myself immersed now in great empathy for your wife. She’s just trying to keep herself afloat in the middle of a raging sea.

 

[underacloud]

She agrees to seek help from a catholic therapist, to hope that if she ended up pregnant she could handle it.

That’s great!

Keep communicating.

She does not refuse sex to me during fertile or infertile times, in fact we’ve always had a great sex life.

This is an interesting approach for a woman who is terrified of being pregnant.

I wonder if there are other miscarriages that she has not shared with you? I wonder if her fertility issues run deeper than you know?

Or…if not…then maybe if you two keep this up, things will happen naturally, as they often do for couples practising NFP who sometimes say “what the heck”.

 

[Jay417]

And now for immature mind games. I gave her what she asked for and she repays me by not coming home from work or contacting me at all. Will not answer calls or texts etc… All she said to me today was, “you still look sad about this, I need you to stop that.” I told her I agreed to give her what she needed and support her, but yes I am sad. She told me to get over it and “find a hobby” to help me forget.

As she left for work she asked for money, for gas and food. I gave her $25 and she said thanks, I went to hug and kiss her before we parted ways and she refused saying, “I can’t touch you yet.”

Great.

Yeah I’m calling my former priest tomorrow. I’m not going to be used like a damn pawn in her mind games. If she doesn’t come home I am asking for an annulment. NO MORE BS.

 

[Xantippe]

And now for immature mind games. I gave her what she asked for and she repays me by not coming home from work or contacting me at all. Will not answer calls or texts etc… All she said to me today was, “you still look sad about this, I need you to stop that.” I told her I agreed to give her what she needed and support her, but yes I am sad. She told me to get over it and “find a hobby” to help me forget.

As she left for work she asked for money, for gas and food. I gave her $25 and she said thanks, I went to hug and kiss her before we parted ways and she refused saying, “I can’t touch you yet.”

Great.

Yeah I’m calling my former priest tomorrow. I’m not going to be used like a damn pawn in her mind games. If she doesn’t come home I am asking for an annulment. NO MORE BS.

You have to get a civil divorce before you can apply for a Catholic annulment. And you might not get an annulment at all.

Are you willing to spend the rest of your life alone?

Plus you guys haven’t even done counseling yet.

 

[underacloud]

Yeah I’m calling my former priest tomorrow. I’m not going to be used like a damn pawn in her mind games. If she doesn’t come home I am asking for an annulment. NO MORE BS.

Calm down!

Your posts are become quite erratic. One moment your marriage is strong and divorce/annulment not an option, the next moment you want to end it.

Your wife is clearly irrational and emotional right now (based on what you have said; we don’t hear her side). Don’t compound the problems by reacting in an equally irrational and emotional manner. Remain patient. Remain cool headed. Be slow to act - there’s really no urgency to end the marriage, even if we assumed for the sake of argument that is the way to go.

But by all means call your former priest, tell him the details (as objectively as you can) and be open to his guidance.

We marry people “for better or for worse”…this trial may just be the “for worse” part.

 

[Xantippe]

Calm down!

Your posts are become quite erratic. One moment your marriage is strong and divorce/annulment not an option, the next moment you want to end it.

Your wife is clearly irrational and emotional right now (based on what you have said; we don’t hear her side). Don’t compound the problems by reacting in an equally irrational and emotional manner. Remain patient. Remain cool headed. Be slow to act - there’s really no urgency to end the marriage, even if we assumed for the sake of argument that is the way to go.

Right.

 

[slh3016]

And now for immature mind games. I gave her what she asked for and she repays me by not coming home from work or contacting me at all. Will not answer calls or texts etc… All she said to me today was, “you still look sad about this, I need you to stop that.” I told her I agreed to give her what she needed and support her, but yes I am sad. She told me to get over it and “find a hobby” to help me forget.

As she left for work she asked for money, for gas and food. I gave her $25 and she said thanks, I went to hug and kiss her before we parted ways and she refused saying, “I can’t touch you yet.”

Great.

Yeah I’m calling my former priest tomorrow. I’m not going to be used like a damn pawn in her mind games. If she doesn’t come home I am asking for an annulment. NO MORE BS.

Sounds like she is at a breaking point. When my husband is angry or disappointed, it is written all over his face and in his body language, no matter how hard he tries to deny it. Maybe she is picking up from that in you that you really are NOT okay and maybe never will be. If this has been her mindset for years, then she is likely sinking into the bottomless pit of despair and you aren’t there to save her. If you ask her for an annulment, then you have validated every single feeling of insecurity in her. A woman wants to be loved unconditionally and most likely, this is a test. Give yourself and her some time before you react.

That’s just my :twocents: