I need help. Wife refuses to try and get pregnant

[Jay417]

I am sorry for posting in anger and haste. I did not act in either of those emotions. I am also at my breaking point I guess. In order to give my wife what she wants I must deny all that I want, I must pretend my desire for children no longer exists if adoption fails. I must happily go into a childless existence never showing any emotion. Yes I broke down and lashed out (here not at my wife) over all those things.

I felt betrayed yet again by giving her all that she asked for and being met with mind games. A promise we both made, we’ve been married 5 years, and together 8, at our engagement was to always come home. We said fighting is ok and healthy, but neither of us will ever purposefully stay away all night over an argument. Last night she violated that. I was hurt.

She came home this morning and wanted to talk. I allowed her to tell me she had stayed at her office, and that she had decided she needed me to promise her no annulments or divorces, and no more sadness on my part even if adoption fails. I told her I can promise no annulment or divorce but I cannot control being disappointed. She cried and told me I was ruining out marriage. I finally told her I would do what I could to hide my emotions from her. That made her happy.

So that’s where it all stands now. I pretend I’m okay and she is happy. She did say she understands I need time to become okay with being childless, but asked me to work through it away from her.

 

[pensmama87]

You’re allowed to not agree with her on how to move forward.

Ideally, you should both have counseling - probably together as well as separate. You can’t make her go, but you can go.

IMO, it’s not reasonable for her to expect you to not show any signs of grief when you are grieving (it IS reasonable for her to expect you to not use your grief as a way to manipulate her, if that is what she is afraid of, but if that’s what she’s afraid of then all the more reason for couples counseling). But I would suggest addressing that with a counselor, so you can learn some ways to communicate that more effectively with your wife, instead of allowing her to continually shut you down and then blame you for bringing in bad feelings.

This “end” to this situation is not going to allow it to actually end at all. I can’t see this ending up any other way than continually feeding resentment and shame for years and years down the line.

 

[Xantippe]

You’re allowed to not agree with her on how to move forward.

Ideally, you should both have counseling - probably together as well as separate. You can’t make her go, but you can go.

IMO, it’s not reasonable for her to expect you to not show any signs of grief when you are grieving (it IS reasonable for her to expect you to not use your grief as a way to manipulate her, if that is what she is afraid of, but if that’s what she’s afraid of then all the more reason for couples counseling). But I would suggest addressing that with a counselor, so you can learn some ways to communicate that more effectively with your wife, instead of allowing her to continually shut you down and then blame you for bringing in bad feelings.

This “end” to this situation is not going to allow it to actually end at all. I can’t see this ending up any other way than continually feeding resentment and shame for years and years down the line.

Yes. The OP has a right to his feelings, but not to dumping every single one of them on his wife. Also, watch out for accidentally being passive aggressive. “Oh, I’m totally OK with never having the children that I’d always dreamed of. I’ll just sit here in the dark with the lights off. Don’t worry about me! I’ll be just fine!”

It doesn’t make her feel less frightened to know that she is also disappointing you and that you are quite possibly considering a future that will not include her.

 

[DaisymaeD]

The wife’s attitude of “don’t show me any negative emotions” is PROFOUNDLY manipulative. It may also backfire in a huge way for her if husband is outwardly compliant, but inwardly seeking with resentment and rage–this always bubbles to the surface.

Always.

I thought a long time before I wrote this next sentence, because I really don’t want to stir the pot, but it needs to be said–wife DID misrepresent herself before marriage. Whether or not she can “help herself”, whether or not she “meant to” her fears and phobias are having a major real-world consequence in the life of another person. Husband was blindsided, and this is totally not fair, no matter how you slice it. Husband has EVERY RIGHT to his anger, sadness and pain. She needs to know she can’t have it all her own way,

I don’t know if an annulment is called for here.

At the same time, husband has been wronged. And what did Jesus say when we are wronged? Forgive seventy times seven. Sorry, husband, it’s your duty now to work your way through to forgiveness. This will be one of he hardest things you will ever do. Forgiveness and related issues are addressed in other threads, I’m not going to say more here, other than when Jesus was abandoned by his very best friends in he world, denied by (one) of them in his very hearing, and unjustly tortured and killed, he died forgiving his enemies and even excusing them under a plea of ignorance.

And, to the husband–to be fair, there is a hair-thin line between being authentic with your emotions and being manipulative right back, trying to punish her, control her, etc. this will also backfire.

My two cents? Do the therapy before starting adoption–restore the friendship with your wife before bringing an adopted child into your home.

BTW, I take thyroid medications and am a multiple miscarrier. I don’t get the sence that her problem is post miscarriage trauma, but I could be wrong.

God bless

 

[PhiloMed]

Corrections:

Do you know that, as husband, you have the natural moral right to refuse to adopt a child. You have this natural right.

Do you know that, as a wife, she is under your conjugal sexual yoke that has to respect the natural moral order of the marriage? By principle, she has no the moral right to refuse the marital act with effects. Only, by exception this right of refusing is existing, under conditions.

I’m sorry, I don’t know if this is a language barrier or just how you communicate but your posts almost never make any sense.

 

[PhiloMed]

**And now for immature mind games. I gave her what she asked for and she repays me by not coming home from work or contacting me at all. Will not answer calls or texts etc… **All she said to me today was, “you still look sad about this, I need you to stop that.” I told her I agreed to give her what she needed and support her, but yes I am sad. She told me to get over it and “find a hobby” to help me forget.

As she left for work she asked for money, for gas and food. I gave her $25 and she said thanks, I went to hug and kiss her before we parted ways and she refused saying, “I can’t touch you yet.”

Great.

Yeah I’m calling my former priest tomorrow. I’m not going to be used like a damn pawn in her mind games. If she doesn’t come home I am asking for an annulment. NO MORE BS.

It sounds like you are both immature, irrational and erratic.

Therapy is definitely a necessity for you both- separately and together. Your wife’s phobia may or not be able to be completely or partially overcome, but you both need to develop better communication and coping skills.

 

[Jay417]

I talked with a therapist today, he is a family friend, and he gave me some honest advice. I admit I do not like therapy, I always feel it is like paying to be manipulated by another, but I gave it a try. My judgements were from ignorance and I am glad I went.

He told me in simple terms that I have to be the more rational and mature person here. He told me my wife could be helped, but it may never make her able to desire a pregnancy. He cautioned me about sharing my anger and pain outside of a confidant. Saying she cannot handle my emotions however valid they are. Like many of you he inquired if I were manipulating my wife and I said no. In talking it out I realized I did in a way passively manipulate her the first night she told me. I told her the truth, I said, “I do not have limits with my love and devotion, I would never deny you children” The therapist said that was manipulative. I was withdrawn to an extent the first night, I went to bed early and such. But no dressing in black and drawing the curtains. No dramatics. The therapist told me that in the end one of us must face our fears, he called my desire for a child a fear of being childless, and in this case it should be me who faces mine. He said that facing mine, i.e. allowing her to avoid pregnancy is the best option. He agreed with me that she needs help with her fear, but that it cannot be approach as though the end goal is a pregnancy. He was understanding that I was sad and hurt by the experience, but told me I can’t become resentful, and if I do I must find coping strategies. He gave me some pamphlets to read about such. He also told me that in the end it is her body and I do not have the right to ask her to use it in a way that is frightening to her. He suggests birth control so she can feel safer having sex, but I explained she has not expressed a desire for that.

It was nice to talk to someone about it, and I can see his point of view. He will meet with my wife as well and us as a couple in the next week.

As for adoption, it will be some time before we get the chance to actually have a child placed with us, so there is time to have this sorted out. Talking with our case worker today I realized I was confused by the time line. Yes our classes and prep will be completed by mid July, but a placement is not projected until November-December.

 

[Jay417]

For the record,

I have never raised my voice to my wife, even with all of this, I have never quit a job, I earned two degrees, I handled multiple family deaths and illnesses before I was old enough to drink. Yes I had a moment of anger and venting, but I assure all that I am far from irrational or immature. As for my wife, she is a survivor. She endured many levels of abuse and poverty as a child to end up a successful adult. She can at times have immature reactions to things, mostly when under extreme stress. I think that is why this hurt her so badly, because I am her rock, I am the calm person during all the disasters we’ve faced. I was visibly shaken and upset, I cried in front of her, which is something I never do. Not because I am macho and think men can’t cry, it’s just not how I usually process fear or stress or even sadness. She saw me as a person, a person who can hurt and cry and not be a rock for the first time. I bet that’s why she keeps asking me to stop being sad. She is scared that her rock is broken. She is afraid I will never be the rational, calm center for her again.

I just had my eyes opened while writing a damn post on an internet forum. Thank GOD I see how to proceed now.

 

[slh3016]

For the record,

I have never raised my voice to my wife, even with all of this, I have never quit a job, I earned two degrees, I handled multiple family deaths and illnesses before I was old enough to drink. Yes I had a moment of anger and venting, but I assure all that I am far from irrational or immature. As for my wife, she is a survivor. She endured many levels of abuse and poverty as a child to end up a successful adult. She can at times have immature reactions to things, mostly when under extreme stress. I think that is why this hurt her so badly, because I am her rock, I am the calm person during all the disasters we’ve faced. I was visibly shaken and upset, I cried in front of her, which is something I never do. Not because I am macho and think men can’t cry, it’s just not how I usually process fear or stress or even sadness. She saw me as a person, a person who can hurt and cry and not be a rock for the first time. I bet that’s why she keeps asking me to stop being sad. She is scared that her rock is broken. She is afraid I will never be the rational, calm center for her again.

I just had my eyes opened while writing a damn post on an internet forum. Thank GOD I see how to proceed now.

:grouphug:

Praying for you and your wife. I think you should just react and treat her the way you would if you’d been told she was infertile or how you’d want to be treated if the problem were with your fertility. Sounds like you are on the road to healing.

 

[underacloud]

Sounds like you’ve found a good therapist to help you are your wife navigate this difficulty.

I’ll offer prayers for you and hope all works out according to God’s will for you both.

 

[sailor28]

For the record,

I have never raised my voice to my wife, even with all of this, I have never quit a job, I earned two degrees, I handled multiple family deaths and illnesses before I was old enough to drink. Yes I had a moment of anger and venting, but I assure all that I am far from irrational or immature. As for my wife, she is a survivor. **She endured many levels of abuse and poverty as a child **to end up a successful adult. She can at times have immature reactions to things, mostly when under extreme stress. I think that is why this hurt her so badly, because I am her rock, I am the calm person during all the disasters we’ve faced. I was visibly shaken and upset, I cried in front of her, which is something I never do. Not because I am macho and think men can’t cry, it’s just not how I usually process fear or stress or even sadness. She saw me as a person, a person who can hurt and cry and not be a rock for the first time. I bet that’s why she keeps asking me to stop being sad. She is scared that her rock is broken. She is afraid I will never be the rational, calm center for her again.

I just had my eyes opened while writing a damn post on an internet forum. Thank GOD I see how to proceed now.

My prayers are with you. Therapy is going to be helpful for both of you. Your wife’s childhood as an enormous impact on her, even today. Yes, she may have overcome much. But someone who grows up in an abusive situation carries around a lot of unconscious pain that needs to be healed thru prayer and therapy.

I too had a difficult childhood. In my early 20’s I had no desire to be a mother ever! It was a matter of healing the hurt and pain and finding the beauty of motherhood. Maybe she doesn’t realize it, but it seems there must be some connection from her past.

You will get through this. Praying for both you and your wife that God would embrace you and your marriage during this challenging time.

 

[Jay417]

My prayers are with you. Therapy is going to be helpful for both of you. Your wife’s childhood as an enormous impact on her, even today. Yes, she may have overcome much. But someone who grows up in an abusive situation carries around a lot of unconscious pain that needs to be healed thru prayer and therapy.

I too had a difficult childhood. In my early 20’s I had no desire to be a mother ever! It was a matter of healing the hurt and pain and finding the beauty of motherhood. **Maybe she doesn’t realize it, but it seems there must be some connection from her past.
**
You will get through this. Praying for both you and your wife that God would embrace you and your marriage during this challenging time.

I think so too. She always told me her goal was to be a better parent that her parents were. She said she spent too much time hungry or without heat/lights etc… she stressed that we must be good providers for our children. I never realized her negative experiences could also cause her to become phobic about pregnancy.