I need help...

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Hello everyone, my name is Dominic Bardill. I am an 18 year old Catholic, I would say in general I am a good catholic and I keep my faith very very close to my heart. I try not to force it onto other people, most of my friends are either agnostic or protestant, and I tend to share my faith with them as they do with me, in a very un-preaching way as I feel I do not have the right to preach to my friends about their beleifs unless they seek guidance from me (which funnily enough they do).

This brings me onto my problem, all of my life I have been a rock to my friends and family. People tell me I am a strong individual, athiests, agnostics, and religious people of many faiths have seeked guidance from me, as it is often easier for people my age to talk to someone their own age. Nevertheless, I feel proud that I have provided spiritual enlightenment for so many people, strangers (or as good as) and friends. However, this has made life very difficult for me, because I have been or tried to be a rock for everyone in my life that I possibly can, which I enjoy doing, at this moment in my life I am suffering some hardship, and I cannot turn to anyone because they are the ones who turn to me for guidance, I do not wish to lose their faith in me, or their reliance in my friendship, love and grace. I do not feel I can talk to them about what I am experiencing.

A few years ago, my closest cousin and friend died in a motorcycle accident. He was 18 at the time, and with me being the only boy out of me and my two sisters, we had a very close brotherly relationship. As I mentioned I was a rock for others, my inspiration was my cousin, as he was my rock, he was who inspired me to help others and gave me the strength and knowledge to do so. Then suddenly he was taken from me by a speeding driver who took a corner too fast and went onto the wrong side of the road. It happened in a flash. What makes it worse is that my friend lives on the road where he died, and we were talking online, and my friend told me there were police cars and ambulances going down his road and I told him to “go and have a look and find out what the gossip was all about”. It was a bad thing to say and I regret it, I said it out of ignorance and spur of the moment, I was ignorant to how that situation feels to the people involved and did not look before I leapt. That night I couldn’t sleep, I don’t know why but I burst into tears and cried myself to sleep, and I didn’t know why I had done so. Then at 5am, my poor grandma banged on our door, At first I thought it was my sister who’d forgotten her key, then my mother answered and I listened half asleep, and I heard my grandma’s voice and instantly thought it was my grandad who was in trouble. I got out of bed and went to the top of the stairs and asked what had happened. My mother replied “Joe has been killed on his motorbike…” I said “Joe who?” in disbelief, and without hesitation my mother said “You’re Joe”, he was always known as my Joe. I loved him a lot and cannot get it out of my head, as I realised at that moment that my laid back attitude, and what I had said to my friend on msn, I was tlking about Joe, it was MY brother lying there and I had no idea, yet I cried myself to sleep that night. Could this have been a spiritual connection?

My poor grandma had run 2 miles because she couldn’t tell us on the phone, she is 67 but was 65 at the time, and Joe was 18.

This happened 2 years ago now, and I have never gotten over it. I cry often because I am lost without him, I have started to become weaker, and I feel I cannot be the rock for people that I was before, because I don’t have my own rock to lean on in times of hardship. A huge part of my life was taken from under my nose, and without him I am lost. Ever since that night I have had sleepless nights and when I can sleep I dream of Joe, he asks me where I was, and that I should be careful and to pray for himself. The last time I had seen him was after a show I had done he came to watch, we organised going for a pint. Often in my dreams this scene is replayed but when he suggests going for a pint, I say you can’t Joe, you’re dead. He smiles and tells me it doesn’t matter, he tells me he is with me now every time I have a pint. These dreams are not always nightmare-like but they are very distressing and upsetting. However it gets worse. I suffer with panic attacks, I get them from time to time, however, sometimes, when I panic, I see large amounts of people with no faces standing around, and amongst them the only one with a face is Joe, he is standing smiling and waving at me, but no matter how much I walk towards him I can never reach him. I hate what is happening, I have spoken to a counsillor and pshyciatrist but they cannot help me. I refuse to take anti-depressants as all I need for that sort of thing is God. When I spoke to a priest he said Joe was in purgatory and I needed to pray for him, but a nun told me that Joe was my guardian angel now, and because of my faith in God he is more visible to me than other people’s guardian angels are to them. She said that Joe was put there as my rock and to teach me how to be a brilliant person, (although like me he isn’t or wasn’t always the best behaved teenager lol) she said his work on earth was done as he had truly succeeded in doing it, and it was my job to go on and continue his legacy. I wonder if that is true, could it be that I am crazy? Or could it be that Joe is in fact my guardian angel and I am to continue what he started? Or is he in purgatory?

Anyway, sorry for the length guys, but are there any thoughts on this matter, or perhaps methods or advice on how I can make it better or stop?

Thanks,

God bless you all.

Dom x
 
Dom,

I’m so sorry you’re feeling so badly and I’m praying for you. Someone you can talk to (besides the people here, many of whom will be glad to listen and talk with/to you) is your parish priest, or another priest. You could also contact a priest at a monastery near you for spiritual direction.

Just my :twocents:
 
Thankyou and God bless you. I am just seeking some answers, even opinions on what Joe might want IF it is REALLY joe, or whether I’m just crazy? What should I do as a christian? What could it all mean? I have spoken to a priest and a nun who gave the explanations I said in the post, also I am going to stay at a monastry for 3 days in may.

Thankyou very much for your concern and help, God bless you. Peace, love and prosperity to you always, amen.
 
Dear Dominic,

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your brother. These dreams may be reminders for you to pray for your brother. Most of us who get to Heaven will have to go through Purgatory first.

One powerful prayer for the souls in Purgatory is Saint Gertrude’s prayer. You could add your brother to that prayer specifically:

Eternal Father, I offer you the Most Precious Blood of Your Divine Son, Jesus, in union with all the Masses said throughout the world today, for the Holy Souls in Purgatory, and for Joe’s soul.

Joe can’t technically be your guardian angel since you already have one, and people do not become angels in Heaven. Our souls are still human souls that will be reunited with our bodies after the final judgment.

Souls in Heaven and in Purgatory continue to love us and pray for us, so in that sense, Joe could be watching over you.

You spoke about being the “rock” for people and about suffering alone because you can’t ask for help. Pride is what causes us to worry about what other people think of us, or not to ask for help when we need it. Perhaps pride is getting in the way of your healing. I think it’d be good for you to talk to your friends and loved ones about your grief, and put aside your identity as everyone else’s “rock” so you can talk this out. Remember that we are completely and utterly dependent on God, and any strength we have comes from Him, not from ourselves.

The grief you’re experiencing is normal. No one just wakes up one day and “gets over” the passing of a loved one. Grief tends to subside slowly over time.

What you can do is remind yourself that this world is not our home, and that hopefully, you will see Joe again in Heaven. Focus on doing what you need to do to get to Heaven yourself.

Daily prayer and frequent use of the Sacraments are the best things you can do to heal. Pray for Joe, for healing, and for the strengthening of your faith.

I will pray for both you and Joe as well.
 
Thankyou very much, that is wonderful advice. Just to point out, do you beleive the “hallucinations” and dreams are reminders? Or actually him communicating with me in spirit?

Furthermore, I know at one point I referred to him as my brother, he is actually my cousin I jst called him my brother because he was like a brother figure to me. If u get me.

God bless you and amen.
 
Dominic:

I read your long narration with my compassion, and I am sorry for your loss.

It is good that you could be a rock for many of your friends, but try not to overburden yourself. Only 18, you are a young man who needs others’ support also. There is no need to maintain an image of rock and simply being crushed inside. To be others support does not mean you have to be stoic all the time and have no need or no weakness.

I understand your cousin Joe meant so much to you. But let bygones be bygones. Life needs to move on. It is understandable to miss such a good friend. You certainly should pray for him and ask for his intercession. Is he in purgatory? Is he in heaven? We don’t know, and you don’t have to worry about it. People in purgatory are bound to heaven. Joe will reach heaven if he has not already been. You dream about him a lot is because you miss him so much and you haven’t got over the guilt feeling of the light comment you made while Joe was in that very accident you talked about. Do not let any guilt linger on. It was not your fault. It may be helpful to talk to a priest in the confessional if you have not done so. If you did, then be more than assured there is nothing to be guilty about.

Your friendship with Joe is certainly precious. But keep in mind your real Rock is our Lord Jesus. Turn to Him and pour your heart to Him. He understands you better than yourself. Lean on Jesus who is your real Rock. Have an open mind to seek for new friendship. You will find a good friend like Joe sooner or later. But you have to look for it. God has prepared many good things and good friends for you. Our God is an infinite God.

You have to let go of Joe. He has gone home with the Lord, but you have not let him go. Letting go does not mean not to miss him. Letting go means accept the reality and know that he is in God’s good hands. You need to let him go.

God created you to live your own life, to fulfill His particular purpose for you. You need to live your own life, not anyone else’s. Start to build a close relationship with Jesus. Trust in the Lord. God bless!
 
Dear Dominic,

There really isn’t a way to know for sure whether the visions and dreams are from Heaven or are just visions and dreams. If they remind you to pray for Joe, knowing the source really isn’t all that important.

Sometimes even ordinary things can remind us to pray - for example, when I see a roadside cross where someone has died, or pass a cemetery, or hear of someone’s death, I say the St. Gertrude prayer.
 
Joe may very well be in Purgatory and needs your help. There are many books on the subject and are very worth reading.An all time classic is"Purgatory…Explained by the Lives and Legends of the Saints" by Fr F.X.Schouppe S.J. I cannot begin to tell you how important it is to pray for the dead.Even if the soul has gone from Purgatory to Heaven your prayers do more favors than you can possibly imagine.

Another book, much smaller which is hard to find is “Read Me or Rue It” by Fr Paul O’Sullivan OP 48 pages but a goldmine of information.

Either one of these two books should bring you great comfort and abundant rewards.
 
I suspect Joe was communicating with you when he asked for your prayers in the dream. A request for prayer is a pretty specific thing, and not something a dreaming mind is all that likely to come up with on its own.

It is possible that he also is praying for you, and in that sense is behaving like guardian angels do.

I wish I could say something that might help- I’m so sorry for your loss. I think that Becky’s advice was very wise.
 
Dear One,

You know that those who answer your cry for help, as well as those who read it, will hold you in their hearts strongly and prayerfully. We will all ask for healing for you and your family, and peace in the glory of God for Joe.

Terrible, irreparable loss comes to us all, but it is particularly acute when a young person, whose development is behind him and whose life is just starting, has been taken out of our lives.

No one can take the pain away from you now: we can only try to provide support and comfort. The old saying that only time can heal is in fact true. If you pray and work your way from one day to the next, gradually you will come to terms with your agony, and learn to keep it in a safe place in your heart and in God’s keeping. Only in that way will you move ahead yourself - and that is what you are longing for.

Go into yourself where the pain lies, and find God there in the midst of that pain. Listen to Him, talk with Him, find consolation in Him. I was advised to do this in a battle with my own agony, and I found both relief and release in ways that I had not imagined.

Be faithful in your prayer schedules and listen to His word.

Keep on working, playing, trying, learning. Work hard to avoid obsessing about this tragic event, or it will take over your Self. Joe has gone to the Lord; you are still with us and have a valuable life to lead. His life plan was different from yours, and although you miss him terribly, you have another task to do which is not yet clear to you.

I understand why the only true prayer we can pray is Thy will be done. In the end, although we can ask God to help us in all kinds of ways, and although we can ask priests and others for help, it is God’s will that informs our lives. *Let His will be done. *Understand that, although it is hard to accept, His will has been done according to His plan.

Place yourself in God’s hands. Firmly quiet your mind, if only seconds at a time at first. Let go the thoughts of Joe as they move into your consciousness. Try to tiptoe past the sleeping elephants - the memories of him. This of course is the way to meditation and contemplation, and one effective kind of self-healing.

Finally and very practically, there are priests who are trained as spiritual psychologists. I understand why you prefer not to take tablets or to see a psychiatrist who is primarily trained to decide what medication you need. For me, my *spiritual psychologist *has been the foundation for recovery from my own pain. Agony of mind is not separate from agony of the soul, and a religious trained as a psychologist has the capacity to work with you to relieve some of your distress of both mind and spirit. I hope you might find some such professional: my life has been changed by my mentor.

I hope very much that the three-day retreat will be led by someone. I think it would not be appropriate for you at this time to try a retreat on your own.

Blessings and love in Christ,
 
domb89 said:
… Just to point out, do you beleive the “hallucinations” and dreams are reminders? Or actually him communicating with me in spirit?
…
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I do not believe the “hallucinations” and dreams are actually your cousin communicating with you in spirit. For a couple of reasons:
First, it isn’t the way of God. It is too close to the occult/spiritualism type of experiences. It could even encourage one to seek such experiences. And, we know, such things are contrary to God’s will.

Second, and VERY important, is the effect of these “appearances” on you. When something is of God, it brings peace, it heals. These dreams do just the opposite: they produce anxiety, agitation - and actually seem to hinder the emotional healing (keeping the wound raw, so to speak, even making it worse).

You’ve lost physical communication and contact with your cousin, but he still exists. Instead of dwelling so much on what has ended, begin to develop a proper relationship with him according to this new circumstance. See the blessing in having someone who cares very much about you present in eternity – where he still cares about you and still desires to help you. Ask for his help and prayers. On your part, pray hard that he have a holy death (Padre Pio recommendation; he said there is no time with God). Your cousin is probably in Purgatory; pray for him. He was there for you before. It may well be that now is the time when you need to be there for him.

Will pray for your emotional recovery and that Jesus can now become your “rock”.

Nita
 
Seeing visions or dreams of people after their deaths are quite possibly valid and truthful, Nita. There is a large history of that in the Catholic Church, and outside of it.

But I agree with you, one would expect visions or dreams from God of departed loved ones to create a sense of peace.
 
Lief_Erikson said:
Seeing visions or dreams of people after their deaths are quite possibly valid and truthful, Nita. There is a large history of that in the Catholic Church, and outside of it.
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Yes Lief, I agree with you. (I may even have had one of my father.) But I don’t think it is the norm for it to be an ongoing phenomena.

In reading domb89’s posts, perhaps one or two initial dreams/hallucinations (where Joe requested prayer) were real. One can never know for sure. But, the devil loves to get his nose into things and mess them up. (Whenever there are legitimate apparitions, this seems to happen - Satan entering in - in disguise or course.)

The important thing is not to place undo importance upon such occurrences, to rely or trust in them too much. Those from God are usually meant to be a consolation (in circumstances such a domb89’s) - a consolation that then helps us to go forward and carry on in our ordinary life.
God bless,
Nita*
 
Dom, I’m so sorry for your troubles.
Losing someone close to you while you’re still young is very hard.

I’m much older than you but let me speak as one who had a very similar experience when I was close to your age. One of my brothers died and it was terribly hard on my parents and on my other brothers, my sister and me. It was a very tough loss for all.

The grief lasted for a long time, years. However, many of us got help from counselors and doctors at the time and in later years too.

I’m concerned with your stating this: “I hate what is happening, I have spoken to a counsillor and pshyciatrist but they cannot help me. I refuse to take anti-depressants as all I need for that sort of thing is God.”

Such thinking only reflects your youth since God has given us “helpers” - doctors, psychiatrists, counselors, psychologists and more - to help us through very difficult. If you don’t realize that these resources are given to us by God Himself, then think again.

I have to say that such thinking of yours is putting yourself at grave risk and causing extended grief and worry to your family. I’ve one more concern and I’ll mention it now. Not knowing where you live (but well aware of American law), what were you and your firends doing drinking alcohol as 16 yr-olds? Even 18 yr-olds are not allowed to have alcohol in most States over here (USA).

The last thing you need is to “medicate” yourself with alcohol or other drugs. Accepting anti-depressents and/or anti-anxiety medications from a doctor is worlds away from knocking yourself goofy with pints. Catch my drift?

I hope for your sake and for the sake of your parents (and aunt and uncle) you will put yourself in the hands of a good clinician for an evaluation. If your days and nights are “fuzzing up” then all needs to be evaluated. God does expect our cooperation.
 
I don’t know Dom. Read the biography of the saints and you will see similar experiences. I’m not saying you’re a saint, I’m not saying you’re not a saint. I’m just saying that this is your cross, carry it how you will. I would start with the life of Pope JP II. He had great losses in his life. The only ones he loved in his life died and he was all alone at a very young age.

As far as the dreams, pray the rosary every night, ask for grace.

See a Catholic counselor, some of the things you describe sound like post traumatic stress disorder.

Finally, you are so strong and have been all your life, God could be giving you a gift in allowing you to understand how it feels to be weak. I don’t know. Isn’t there something like learning to depend on God instead of yourself. Obviously, I don’t know much, but I’m trying to help.

Take care. I’ll pray for you for the next 9 days.

Veronica
 
Hi

I’m so sorry for your loss. As others have said, everyone here is available to you for strength and support.

I won’t get into the demonic/God debate brewing, I will just echo what someone else said about praying for your cousin. I’ll also echo that book on Purgatory by Fr. Schouppe - I have it and it changed my life. It is very possible your cousin is asking for prayers - and that is enough.

Just because you are a rock for others, doesn’t mean you can’t go to them for help also. I’d be willing to bet (if I gambled) that a lot of them wish there was some way they could return the favors you have given them. This is the essence of the spiritual life - giving without the expectation of receiving, but humbling yourself for help when you need it, even from those whom you have taken care of. It is, in a sense - the cycle of life.

My prayers are with you

Peace to all

John
 
catharina said:
I’m concerned with your stating this: “I hate what is happening, I have spoken to a counsillor and pshyciatrist but they cannot help me. I refuse to take anti-depressants as all I need for that sort of thing is God.”

Such thinking only reflects your youth since God has given us “helpers” - doctors, psychiatrists, counselors, psychologists and more - to help us through very difficult. If you don’t realize that these resources are given to us by God Himself, then think again.

I have to say that such thinking of yours is putting yourself at grave risk and causing extended grief and worry to your family. I’ve one more concern and I’ll mention it now. Not knowing where you live (but well aware of American law), what were you and your firends doing drinking alcohol as 16 yr-olds?

The last thing you need is to “medicate” yourself with alcohol or other drugs. Accepting anti-depressents and/or anti-anxiety medications from a doctor is worlds away from knocking yourself goofy with pints. Catch my drift?

I hope for your sake and for the sake of your parents (and aunt and uncle) you will put yourself in the hands of a good clinician for an evaluation. If your days and nights are “fuzzing up” then all needs to be evaluated. God does expect our cooperation.
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I don’t know where you live but having much alcohol regularly at a young age is very deleterious to your health (brain cells) and self-medicating seems to me to be a way that you (consciously or sub-consciously) may very well end-up causing your family much more grief than they need (if it’s not already). Alcohol can be the cause of bad-dreams and hallucinations as can sleep deprivation - it can also keep you from REM sleep, so that you’re not getting the healthy (both psychological and physical) sleep that your body needs to function correctly. This (if it is true for you - it sounded like that may well be the case after re-reading your post a few times) would certainly cause the depression, etc.
If you truly love God you will make sure you are a good steward of His Creation (which includes making sure that you are as healthy as you can be, both psychologically and physically). That means taking advantage of the tools (physicians, psychiatrists, medicines, etc) He has made available to you. That may also mean not “lifting pints” until you are sure (after talking with counselors, et al) you’re not doing it in self-medication. As a grandmother myself, I would be so very worried about my grandchild stating what you did. Your post sounded very much as if you were (due to psychic pain, probably) making yourself available **to be used by the devil **in spiritual warfare. I hope I am very wrong - I can certainly be so, however I won’t believe it until you get the “all clear” from physicians and psychiatrists/counselors.
If this post appears harsh, I am not being critical! I am speaking as I would to one of my own grandchildren were they to post as you did.

I will tell you a quick story that keeps coming into my mind: A man was in a huge flood so ran to the only place that wasn’t deep in water - his roof. He prayed over and over to The Lord to save him. First, a man in a small-boat came to save him, however he waved him away saying, “The Lord will save me”; same thing happened when a helicopter came to pick him up off his roof and when a neighbor swam over to him on a log to get him. Finally he died and when he then accusingly stated to The Lord that He hadn’t saved him even tho’ the man had prayed to be saved so hard The Lord said, “But I sent you a small-boat, a helicopter and a log. You wouldn’t ever use what I sent.”
 
Hello,

Thankyou very much for your concern, I would like to have the opportunity to answer you. When I mentioned that I had organised going for a pint with Joe before he died, I was actually 17, as I am nearly 19 now.

I live in England, and the alcohol prohibition here is very different. In England, the law states that nobody under the age of “18” can buy alcohol from a pub or shop, however people of the age of 15 can drink alcohol with a meal when supervised by a parent in a pub, and people of the age of 5 are allowed to consume small and moderate amounts of alcohol in the privacy of their own home under parental supervision.

Where I come from, going for a pint, usually means having a drink in general, therefore firstly it does not necessarily mean that we would be getting “smashed”, it means we may have a pint at home etc. Moreover, where I come from in particular in England, going for a pint with someone or buying someone a pint is an act of friendship, sometimes we say “I’d like to buy you a pint” and it means “I like you” it is not always literal.

Also, the comment about Joe saying he is with me whenever I go for a pint, might I say I am 18 years old now and can legally drink, and like most teenagers in england it is common practice for them to drink a couple of years before they are allowed, most people don’t mind and whilst bad experiences have happened to me and friend due to the stupidity of our actions where alcohol is concerned, it has very much been a lesson of life, and I am an incredibly sensible drinker. I do not drink constantly, once a week maybe more, rarely drunk enough to not be in control as I do not like to be out of control if you get me. I have learnt how to behave in a public place where alcohol is being served, I have learnt how much I can handle, I have learnt not to abuse it, I have learnt what I do and don’t like, and generally grown to be a mature, sociable adult in such a setting. Which is more than I can say for most American kids who are kept away from it at such a distance that it becomes somewhat a forbidden fruit, I am speaking from experience as I have a lot of american friends who come to visit, and they do not behave the same as the english teenagers where alcohol is concerned.

I would like to state, that what Joe was saying in the dream, was not a reference to a drinking problem, nor did I see it as an inspiration for me to drink more. Instead, with reference to the meaning of the term in my country and county, I feel he was referring also to the fact we never got to meet for the last pint I so badly wish I could’ve shared with him, and so he is telling me he is with me every time now, he is always with me is what he is saying. Its the same as if I had organised skiing with him and he was to say he is with me every time I go skiing. Please try not to read too far into things (with all due respect I am not offended nor trying to offend). However my culture is very different, and with family members who have suffered alcohol problems (married into the family), I can assure you that I have no issue with alcohol, I do not drink it anywhere near enough nor do I consume enough (I don’t have to money for that!!!) As for drugs, I do not beleive in putting unnatural, potentially corrupt substances into your body, I have never had drugs and never will, however for me, this also counts for anti-depressants etc. I feel just because the governmental docters say its ok, doesn’t mean it is…How much can we really trust our government? Anti-depressants are short term solutions which corrupt the mind and suppress the spirit, I will not give into them, and where I come from that is common-thought.

Thankyou for your concern however, might I add I have seen counsillours and docters, who have not been able to solve anything. I visited a psychiatrist up until a couple of months ago, and a counsilor came with the package…unfortunatley they themselves and my friends parents (who are not religious and are a psychiatrist and a nurse) stated it is a much deeper spiritual matter. Also they wouldn’t recommend tablets, because a drug is a drug, legal or not (naivity is a terrible thing) and it is a very terrible thing to be so naive as to encourage the consumption of any kind of mind or body altering substance that is manmade, it is flawed because man is flawed and it is made by man…All I need is god, as he is perfect.

Thankyou and God bless.
 
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