I need help

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missme22

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Hello everyone. I need prayers. I am here for help/insigtht. I’ve been married for 12 years. We have one child. I’ve had a long history with my husband. Some of the issues have improved thru therapy last year. Therapy has stopped.

I got transferred (I’m breadwinner) a few months ago. I got about a 50 percent pay cut. My husband decided to quit his job (in same field) and relocate before he found a job. Fortunately … His first week… He was offered a part time job but he chose to turn it down because it involved weekend work. We are now 3 months into his unemployment. I have gotten him several interviews and he’s either not contacted the people or avoided full follow through… He applies for a lot of jobs, but he just can’t seem to nab one because of his delay.

I got him freelance work with my company this past week… And he was late to work 2 of the 4 workdays…and then insulted my GEneral manager by giving him a hard time for not recognizing him.

It’s just gotten so difficult, I’ve begun to resent him. He loves to cook and clean… And I’m grateful for those things… But his passive aggressive behavior has been so tough for me.

I’m not perfect, but I work so hard. I work my full-time job and I’ve been writing books for freelance work… So my hubby suggested I file bakruptcy and also he suggested I start writing erotica. It’s just so hard for me… And that suggestion has increased my anger toward him.

Our sex life has been terrible for a long, long time. Mainky because he turned to porn for awhile i forced him to gp to therapy and he says that is no longer an issue But I don’t even want to have sex with him. I knew it was my wifely duty… So I’ve initiated for a long time but he just has me “masturbate” for him. He doesn’t reciprocate. It’s all very one sided. It isn’t enjoyable. And my mind is beginning to wander to other men.

How do I save this marriage? And I honestly don’t even know if I want to…

Thanks for reading this…
 
I have no real advice other than talking to your priest and restarting therapy.

However, I do offer you my prayers for your marriage and your family.
 
missme22 said:
…Our sex life has been terrible for a long, long time. Mainky because he turned to porn for awhile i forced him to gp to therapy and he says that is no longer an issue But I don’t even want to have sex with him…
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Many many married men suffer from the same problem. If he has genuinely given that up, he should be commended for it, not punished. My wife forgave me and now I dont do it our personal life is very good. Take care and God bless.
 
missme22 said:
Hello everyone. I need prayers. I am here for help/insigtht. I’ve been married for 12 years. We have one child. I’ve had a long history with my husband. Some of the issues have improved thru therapy last year. Therapy has stopped.

I got transferred (I’m breadwinner) a few months ago. I got about a 50 percent pay cut. My husband decided to quit his job (in same field) and relocate before he found a job. Fortunately … His first week… He was offered a part time job but he chose to turn it down because it involved weekend work. We are now 3 months into his unemployment. I have gotten him several interviews and he’s either not contacted the people or avoided full follow through… He applies for a lot of jobs, but he just can’t seem to nab one because of his delay.

I got him freelance work with my company this past week… And he was late to work 2 of the 4 workdays…and then insulted my GEneral manager by giving him a hard time for not recognizing him.

It’s just gotten so difficult, I’ve begun to resent him. He loves to cook and clean… And I’m grateful for those things… But his passive aggressive behavior has been so tough for me.

I’m not perfect, but I work so hard. I work my full-time job and I’ve been writing books for freelance work… So my hubby suggested I file bakruptcy and also he suggested I start writing erotica. It’s just so hard for me… And that suggestion has increased my anger toward him.

Our sex life has been terrible for a long, long time. Mainky because he turned to porn for awhile i forced him to gp to therapy and he says that is no longer an issue But I don’t even want to have sex with him. I knew it was my wifely duty… So I’ve initiated for a long time but he just has me “masturbate” for him. He doesn’t reciprocate. It’s all very one sided. It isn’t enjoyable. And my mind is beginning to wander to other men.

How do I save this marriage? And I honestly don’t even know if I want to…

Thanks for reading this…
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I do not see any other way (I may be wrong) than to be VERY gentle with him and VERY tough, not to say “brutal” with him.

He definitely needs help, needs someone who tells him what to do till he finds some degree of autonomy.

The sexual life? It is just a reflection of the his messy decisions.

He needs an iron glove dressed into a velvet glove.
 
But I am so stressed out. I’m either working my full-time job or doing freelance.I lay awake at night wondering if we are going to be living in a 1 bedroom apt w our son… When our savings run dry. (he put us in debt… W fancy house/furniture) when I had a better paying job. Now, we are nearly bankrupt and he seemingly could care less. I’m losing sleep and working constantly and he acts like there isn’t a problem.

The freelance work I got him this week was helpful. But I instantly got bombarded w text messages about how awful my company was and What a jerk my boss was… And he doesn’t understand how I haven’t gone “postal” there.

It’s one complaint after another. It’s a flood of negativity… I’ve asked him to tone it down but it’s hard because it’s “his nature”.
 
Since your husband has put you in debt and he seems not to care about it, I would open a new account in only your name and put all your income there. Let him know you are doing this due to his refusal to be trustworthy. And then you can pay the bills and take care of the financial situation yourself since you seem to be the only adult in this relationship.

Once you get your financial situation settled, hopefully you can start to relax and get some sleep. When you feel better, you can focus on how you want to manage your marriage. Seems like you may need some professional counseling.
 
I have done that but the problem is… He shut down. He told our former therapist that was treating him like a child. That was when he had a job. Now I have to let him use my account for the essentials etc… So he has cut down on the spending. But we are near broke and when my mom was in town… We took her to dinner. He ordered steak etc. I just couldn’t believe it. When we walked out he said… (despite me eating a salad) THAT meal wasn’t worth 130.00! I was like… YOU ordered the appetizer and the 49.00 entree!!!

He’s just clueless and I’m losing respect for him. I def can’t see him as an equal.
 
missme22 said:
I have done that but the problem is… He shut down. He told our former therapist that was treating him like a child. That was when he had a job. Now I have to let him use my account for the essentials etc… So he has cut down on the spending. But we are near broke and when my mom was in town… We took her to dinner. He ordered steak etc. I just couldn’t believe it. When we walked out he said… (despite me eating a salad) THAT meal wasn’t worth 130.00! I was like… YOU ordered the appetizer and the 49.00 entree!!!

He’s just clueless and I’m losing respect for him. I def can’t see him as an equal.
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I’m sorry, but your husband isn’t acting as your equal! He’s not providing for his family, which is a point of pride for most men. He’s spending money that you don’t have. At least he cooks and cleans, and I presume takes care of your child.

I would talk to your priest about this, and also call Catholic Charities and get a counselor set up. If he won’t go, then go yourself. You need to get all of this out in the open so you can deal with it. Posting here won’t fix any of your problems, really. It gives you a place to vent, and find out that your expectations of your marriage aren’t too high, but we can’t shake your husband out of his stupid choices and get him back on some kind of straight path. We can’t sit the two of you down and find out what the issues really are. A counselor can help you do that. I’ve been seeing someone on my own since my husband was traveling so much and the previous counselor wasn’t really helping us that much. It has helped me a LOT. Every time I start to think, “Well, I’m not getting much out of this, maybe I should stop going,” we have a REALLY good session and I realize she really is helping me quite a bit.

🙂
 
Thanks for all the responses. Julianne… I know that you are right. However my DH won’t go to therapy any more. I will go again on my own… That’s a very good point.

Also, just yesterday he was offered a position. It involves working overnights. The boss told him it won’t last long … He would soon get moved up. My hubby is against it. He doesn’t think he can do the shift even though it pays 65k!

I can sense that he’s planning to delay his way out of it… He didn’t take the job when it was offered. He told the man he “needed to think about it”.

It really would be ideal because we wouldn’t need child care. He could sleep all day when our son is at work and it would take a huge load off my shoulders.

I can’t force him… What do I do… Shy of that?
lily20 said:
Why are you agreeing to work so hard while he sits around?

Lily
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missme22 said:
Thanks for all the responses. Julianne… I know that you are right. However my DH won’t go to therapy any more. I will go again on my own… That’s a very good point.

I can’t force him… What do I do… Shy of that?
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Go back into therapy on your own. That’s the first step.

Luna
 
Well, it is going to be another 2 weeks before I can get in… And my husband has this job opportunity before him right NOW. So, what would be reasonable… From me. Should I just let him delay and delay… And lose the job? Or should I cause a big fight and demand that he take the position. I told him that if he found something else he could always quit. He said that would be “unethical” for him to accept the job with the plan to move on …I said its also “unethical” to make ME write Erotica/porn to pay the bills!
 
He can’t “make” you write erotica. You don’t even have to tell him “no” or “why” you won’t. Just don’t pick up a pen and do it.

I would stop doing so much and open the road to responsibility on his part. It can get very tiring to be the “hero.” He may feel more like a man if given the opportunity, if you step back in your profession, rather than “competing” with you to try to “match” you.

These are mainly suggestions. God bless you.
🙂
Lily
 
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