I need help!

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stephie_venuto

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Hi everyone. This isn’t really a religious question, but I need some help and I don’t know who else to ask.

In my house, all the kids are supposed to have chores. My older sister is supposed to do the laundry, and my brothers the trash, and my little sisters have to keep our bathroom clean. My dad works full time and he can’t monitor our choirs because he is too busy. However, when I do mention to him, he is very helpful. He agrees with him, and they will do what he asks when he is around, but my mom will let them do whatever I am the only one who consistently does my choirs. Every night. Whether it is 12:15am and I have school the next day, or if I am sick. I do them because I know that my family relies on me to do them. None of my other siblings do their choirs, and my mom doesn’t discipline them at all.

It is important to mention that my siblings and I are all homeschooled. We started our second year today. My mom’s easygoing nature is largely detrimental to our schooling. I am the only one who scolds the children for running around while they are supposed to be doing their math, or for randomly getting up and eating three bowls of cereal in the middle of the day.

I am extremely stressed out because I don’t know how to deal with this. I can see in so many ways how this is severely hurting my siblings, even if they don’t know it. It is also the reason that our house is a mess, and chaotic.

It really bugs me how my mom allows my siblings to watch one or two movies a night go to bed between 10:30-11:00pm (siblings meaning ages 12, 10, 7, and 5), and not able to pull them together to say five minutes of prayers even though I offered to organize them.

I really hate being disrespectful towards my mother. A largely annoying aspect is that it isn’t as if my mother doesn’t have time to take of us. She is a stay-at-home mom. Her** job** is to take care of us, and help us with our school work, and keep the house running smoothly. I am keeping the house running, and I am the one disciplining my siblings to work. I need my mom to look at tons of different papers for me to submit for my school work, and I look over while my little siblings are wandering and doing random things and she is on Facebook, or doing a random sewing project. Then, randomly in the afternoon she will disappear for an hour or so and say that she needs to rest when in actuality she just lays on her bed and plays games on her ipad.

Like I said, I try to take this all in stride, and keep working as hard as a I can, but sometimes, like now, the stress just overtakes me and I don’t know what to do. I have been to confession about it, but I don’t really have any kind of spiritual director I can talk to. Please say a prayer for me! Thank you.
 
As difficult as this may be, you need to tell your parents what you have told us-- together at the same time-- and ask for what you want and need. You do not seem disrespectful at all to me. And, if this continues, you should go back to public school and step out of the situation. You are not the parent and cannot/should not be put in that position.
 
A few thoughts:
  1. Good for you.
  2. You’re not the mom or the dad. Figure out how much time you’re able to invest in chores beyond the ones that are yours and do that much and then stop.
  3. You can go back to public school if the situation at home stresses you out and your parents let you.
  4. It sounds like your mom’s a little over her head with homeschooling all of you guys. I’d go hide with my iPad, too, in her shoes. It sounds like a case of “the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” (There’s a joke, the punchline of which is “…and when you have three kids, you spend at least part of the day just hiding from them.” It sounds like that’s where your mom is.)
  5. That said, I think you need to help your mom and dad figure out how to improve the situation. Request a private meeting with them well in advance, explaining the subject you want to discuss, and explain your feelings. Don’t whine. Don’t point fingers. Use “I” a lot: “I feel overwhelmed when…,” “I don’t think I am doing adequately with my schoolwork,” “I want to go to school,” “I feel like we need more of a system with housekeeping,” etc.
  6. If you are old enough, maybe community college classes would be an option?
  7. If you are within a couple years of leaving home, don’t sweat it. However, if you have more than two years to go, it’s worth improving things.
  8. Suggest regular “educational” and “physical education” outings.
  9. If your parents want you at home, work with your mom to produce an informal schedule for the week. Example: Monday-Thursday AM walk and then schoolwork, Monday-Thursday PM housework and dinner prep, Friday AM educational outing, evenings math and Bible with dad, Saturday yard work, etc. Your days need more shape to them.
 
Hi stephie,

Although I was not homeschooled, I had a similar home environment growing up. I was the oldest of four and was the only one who helped around the house. It was really hard. I felt like I had to parent my siblings because my mom and dad didn’t (and still don’t in many ways). I like that my mom has an easygoing personality, but sometimes she didn’t/doesn’t care about things that are really, really important (for example, when my family went to visit her and my dad, the house was horrifically filthy and tiny, chokable items were littered on the floor and had been there for literally years…and my son was crawling. I spent over half of the visit cleaning her house before I felt comfortable setting my son down anywhere but the brand new playpen she had bought.)

As 1ke suggested, if you can talk about this to your parents, please do. I tried on a few occasions but it didn’t go very well, but I anticipated that (my dad is really big on authority and respect and control, so for me to suggest that the home environment wasn’t the greatest didn’t go over well no matter how I tried to phrase it). If you do talk to them about it and it doesn’t go well, I would suggest focusing your time on your education, learning your lessons, and doing what you need to do so you can succeed once you are independent. Do your chores as you’re expected to do, and if other family members aren’t pitching in, I would only worry about it to the extent that someone could get hurt or sick. You can’t make your parents parent their children (though I really do understand the impulse - I’ve been there :o) and please don’t beat yourself up for not parenting them yourself because it really isn’t your responsibility. Most importantly - pray for your family! :gopray:

Feel free to PM me too. 🙂
 
“She is a stay-at-home mom. Her job is to take care of us, and help us with our school work, and keep the house running smoothly.”

I’m a stay-at-home mom of three kids. Two are in school and one is a baby at home. I have a housecleaner twice a month, I get a nap every so often, and I rarely cook dinner (we live near campus and are able to eat inexpensively). I get tired doing what I do. Your mom is probably exhausted–ironically, the work we don’t do sometimes makes us feel more tired than the work we do. (By the way, a once-a-month cleaner could totally transform your home life.)

I have two reading suggestions for you:

Jane Austen’s Mansfield Park. Fanny Price, the heroine, visits her long-lost family and discovers a situation you will be familiar with. Her large family lives in a small, chaotic home where nothing is as it should be and her mother struggles sloooowly and inefficiently with her chores. Fanny tries to set things right.

Flylady’s Sink Reflections. This is a how-to book for dealing with a messy home. Flylady runs a sort of on-line support group for people who struggle with housework, with inspirational emails.

Best wishes!
 
I hear ya! My dad is alot like your mom. He took on a full time job last year and he basically for got how to parent, as crazy as that sounds. I look after my younger siblings too, and I find it stressful as well.
I know its hard not to be disrespectful, but from your post, it sounds like your mom could be using her time more wisely. Just sayin’.

If you need to talk (or rant :o) feel free to message me. Hang in there!
 
Hi guys,
Thank you for the advice so far! I have a couple things to add.
  1. I didn’t want to give the impression that my Dad is too busy with his work to do much parenting. What I meant by what I originally said was that my Dad is working most of the day, so he isn’t around to see these things in action. When he is, he is very helpful. He helps keep everyone in order.
  2. A lot of you suggested public schooling. I really love homeschooling, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. On top of that, I wouldn’t be allowed to go to a public school. The one in our area is atrocious, and before I homeschooled I went to a private school which I graduated from. Our list of reasons for homeschooling is long and complex, but it centers around being able to pursue our interests. I am fifteen right now, but by next January I will sixteen and I will be able to take some part-time classes at my community college.
  3. I have tried talking with my parents about this kind of thing, but (a) my dad starts lecturing my mom on these kind of things and she shuts off her ears to him because of the fact that it is him who is the one telling her to do it (my dad doesn’t always have the best ways of delivering messages…he can be a little harsh) (b) my mom gets very offended and mad at me when I even suggest to help her with these kind of things such a schedule. Even if we were to make one, she doesn’t stick to it (been there).
  4. @Xantippe, I agree that my mom feels in over her head. It is not in my mom’s nature to be assertive, and I mean that with all due respect. I have studied the way my mom reacts to certain situations and the way that my grandma (her mom) acts to situations. When things get stressful, my Grandma will try to smooth over them, or hide until they are calmed down. Then, she will come back with a smile and act like everything is okay. It isn’t obvious unless you have studied their behaviors though. I have noticed the same thing in my mother. If I bring up a problem, she will say one word on it, or nothing at all, and then she will switch to another subject. It drives me crazy!
  5. One of the hardest parts of this is that my siblings don’t like listening to me. To them, I am the bossy older sister (especially to one of my brothers who I have mentioned in a past post). Therefore, when my older sister, mom and dad aren’t around, they are very hard to handle sometimes.
Again, thank you for all the advice. I will try to sit down with my parents again and have a good discussion about this. We tend to go on a lot of long walks so maybe sometime I can go with my mom and dad and we can talk about it.
 
Then you will have to create a strategy for yourself that involves taking care of you and letting go of the rest. Don’t go behind and do other’s chores, don’t try to parent. Focus on what you can control. You cannot control other people, nor make them change. Let it happen-- if the kids run amok, ignore it and go study elsewhere.
 
Homeschooling is really tough some days, but there is no way your mother should be taking naps, resting, playing games during school hours. Is it possible she may be battling depression? I am sorry your family is suffering like this. I will add you to our prayer list.
 
@7armyrugrats, Good guestion. My Mom’s Dad died more than a year ago, but occasionally she might mention him. He died of a sudden heart attack, and we didn’t see it coming. My Mom gets sad because she feels that he job is to make everyone happy, and if someone isn’t she puts the burden on herself.

Last year way our first year homeschooling, and it was an challenging transition from private school. I am going by my Mom’s nature, and my experience last year. I grant her that today was our first day school was today, and it was more of a getting-going day because she was gone with me and two of my siblings at the orthodontist for two hours in the morning.

She gets up extremely early, so I know she is allowed to take naps, but sometimes her timing is stressful.

I don’t want to misrepresent my Mom, and I did write the post in a time of high stress, but I don’t want to sugar coat it either…
 
“I am fifteen right now, but by next January I will sixteen and I will be able to take some part-time classes at my community college.”

Very good. It sounds like it might do you a lot of good to have some peace and quiet at the community college library or computer lab.

“my mom gets very offended and mad at me when I even suggest to help her with these kind of things such a schedule. Even if we were to make one, she doesn’t stick to it (been there).”

Bummer.

“It is not in my mom’s nature to be assertive, and I mean that with all due respect.”

I’m sure she’s a very sweet person–it’s just that a mother of a large family needs some steel in her spine.

“One of the hardest parts of this is that my siblings don’t like listening to me. To them, I am the bossy older sister (especially to one of my brothers who I have mentioned in a past post). Therefore, when my older sister, mom and dad aren’t around, they are very hard to handle sometimes.”

Yep.

“My Mom gets sad because she feels that he job is to make everyone happy, and if someone isn’t she puts the burden on herself.”

That’s very unfortunate.
 
stephie_venuto said:
@7armyrugrats, Good guestion. My Mom’s Dad died more than a year ago, but occasionally she might mention him. He died of a sudden heart attack, and we didn’t see it coming. My Mom gets sad because she feels that he job is to make everyone happy, and if someone isn’t she puts the burden on herself.

Last year way our first year homeschooling, and it was an challenging transition from private school. I am going by my Mom’s nature, and my experience last year. I grant her that today was our first day school was today, and it was more of a getting-going day because she was gone with me and two of my siblings at the orthodontist for two hours in the morning.

She gets up extremely early, so I know she is allowed to take naps, but sometimes her timing is stressful.

I don’t want to misrepresent my Mom, and I did write the post in a time of high stress, but I don’t want to sugar coat it either…
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I didn’t mean she should never rest or nap. That is asking way too much of any mom. I just mean that she shouldn’t do it during school hours. I homeschool as well, I speak from experience when it comes to the exhaustion. Have you all considered a year-round school year? That is how I do it. It gives me much more lee way in terms of scheduling and allows for shorter days, more breaks. In my house it is essential since we never know my husband’s work schedule. I like the kids to have time with him when he gets time off, and those are the days use to relax. It’s also only years #2 for you all. It may take a little bit to make it all work smoothly.

As far as depression, maybe she is still in the grieving process and not depressed. It can take a very long time to mourn, especially when you are extra busy with life and kids and homeschooling. Try to be understanding, pray for her, and take care of yourself first right now. I often need to remind my kids to do just that, especially my older kids. It’s hard to get them to realize that they are not a replacement for mom and dad like they sometimes feel they are or want to be. I know it seems helpful, but in the long run it often causes bigger problems and hard feelings. Hang in there!
 
@7armyrugrats,

We don’t use a year-round program, but we continue working all year long with a slight relaxation in the summer. Even though this is only the second day, I see a similar thing happening that happened the majority of last year. My little sister, who is five years old, is not the kind of child that goes off by herself and plays with barbies. She has a short attention span, and needs constant help. This morning I was in the middle of a paper, and my little sister comes up to me and asks me to color with her. She wasn’t being attended to. My mom was helping my brothers. Typically, that would be fine. I would watch my sister for a couple minutes, and then my mom would take over, but she took time to sit for more than half an hour with my brother talking, and I was forced to watch my little sister because otherwise she wouldn’t have anyone watching her. My mom doesn’t seem to understand that the morning is more independent study, and that the afternoon is when she can send the kids outside and help more individually. My little sister got nothing constructive done this morning because she had no guidance. After my mom has finished with my brothers, I explained this to her in a completely non-stressful or mean way, and she just sighed and walked away. Do you have any suggestions on what to do?
 
“My mom was helping my brothers. Typically, that would be fine. I would watch my sister for a couple minutes, and then my mom would take over, but she took time to sit for more than half an hour with my brother talking, and I was forced to watch my little sister because otherwise she wouldn’t have anyone watching her. My mom doesn’t seem to understand that the morning is more independent study, and that the afternoon is when she can send the kids outside and help more individually. My little sister got nothing constructive done this morning because she had no guidance. After my mom has finished with my brothers, I explained this to her in a completely non-stressful or mean way, and she just sighed and walked away. Do you have any suggestions on what to do?”

That sounds like a good goal to have–independent study in the morning, individual help in the afternoon. The problem is, it doesn’t sound like your mom has bought into that particular program.

I think you yourself should try to stick to the independent study in the morning and explain to your mom in advance that that is what you are doing and that you won’t be available to do extended help in the morning, as that is your independent work time. And then you need to actually do that. You can tell your mom that you are available for up to 10 minutes at a time to help out with younger children, but that mornings are for getting your academic work done. Set a timer and then when the timer is up, walk little sister over to mom and explain, I’m going to be working now. And then work!

Why did your family decide to homeschool, by the way?
 
The only problem with what you suggested is that if I bring my sister to my mom and say “Here, I have to work now.” She will just tell my sister to either go draw or to go outside and play. I know she is only five, and a good amount of her schoolwork is more like play, but I don’t feel she is getting the one-on-one attention that I had and is critical at that age.

Haha. Good question. The way I portray this situation, it probably has arisen in many people’s minds. We are homeschooling for many reasons. We are saving over $20,000 by homeschooling. The program we use is amazing, and if you focus, you are getting an excellent education. My siblings and I can start going to college early, and we can spend more time developing our interests, in this case our family interest is music. Also, at a young age, my siblings are learning very useful skills such as computer programming. We are definitely going to keep homeschooling, but you do have to have a certain personal mindset to make it work. I am a very independent person, and I don’t have trouble learning something on my own (also, we can call our program and they have people that can help us), but I worry sometimes that my siblings do not have the same kind of vigor to do the same.

However, as bad as I might make it sound, homeschooling is the best thing for my family. I am extremely glad we are doing it, and I don’t doubt that for the majority, my siblings are getting a good education.
 
“…but I don’t feel she is getting the one-on-one attention that I had and is critical at that age.”

Meanwhile, you risk not having time to do all of the academic tasks that are so critical at your age in preparing for college.

If your sister needs one-on-one academic attention (which she does, being five), it should happen during the afternoon, as per your excellent plan. If it were my family, she’d be in preschool.

“…but I worry sometimes that my siblings do not have the same kind of vigor to do the same.”

Yes.

By the way, I was just thinking that probably the most important thing you could do to would be to work on your littlest siblings’ bedtime (with your parents’ blessing, of course). It sounds like your mom is such a big softie that she doesn’t have what it takes to enforce a bedtime, but I think you do. I suggest pushing bedtime back 5-10 minutes a night, until it’s something reasonable. If you are successful with this, you’ll create a nice block of time in the evening where your parents and older siblings can talk to each other and your parents can look at your schoolwork for you. I suggest bringing this up on one of your family walks. If you are successful enough with this, you might be able to move some of your less taxing academic tasks into the evening hours. (My 11-year-old goes to bed at 9:40 and her brother who is 8 goes to bed some time between 8:30 and 9.) Your parents will appreciate this very much if you are successful. You might want to invite your older sister (you have one, right?) in helping with this project, as she, too, will enjoy the results.
 
“We are saving over $20,000 by homeschooling.”

I could also say, my family is saving $800 a month by not eating anymore.

It’s a false savings if what you’re all getting at home is not equivalent to what you were getting at school. It sounds like you personally are responsible enough to manage your own academic program (if you get the time for it), but that your mom is struggling with educating at least some members of your family. Maybe some of you (for instance, those who can manage themselves at least 60% of the time) should continue at home, while the others go back to school.

You may want to talk privately to your dad about your concerns, asking him not to overreact, but to make his own observations. Your mom is not going to want to feel like she’s being treated as your dad’s employee, even if she struggles with doing the stuff she needs to do.

(Speaking of which, I am supposed to be writing “business” emails and doing “business” phone calls right now! Time management is an eternal problem for SAHMs.)

Best wishes!
 
This week of schoolwork is supposed to be more of a getting-going week, so maybe I am being too harsh. I just know my mother, and I know once allows my siblings to get into a pattern of things, it is hard to change.

It is interesting that you bring up bedtime because I have been thinking about it. When I was little, up until the age of 11 or 12, I was in bed by 8:30-9:00 every night. In fact, I felt that 10:00 was the middle of the night. During the summer, (given, it IS the summer) my two little sisters would go to sleep between 10:30-11:00 and my younger brothers between 11:00-12:00. I was pleasantly surprised when my mom announced that once school starts the girls are in the bed, lights out by 9:00 and my brothers by 10:00. She has stuck to it so far! The only set back I see in this situation is the younger boy. He is 10 years old, and a strong-willed kid (I have posted a forum about him before). If my mom is in bed, and my Dad in the basement working, he might come back and start goofing around. My sister and I sometimes talk a little bit before we go to bed either in the kitchen or in the work room. He will come in and start talking and such. My mom is always extremely soft with him specifically, and as a result, he doesn’t take authority with a smile. We might threaten him and say we are going to get Mom and he will run back into his room, and once we resume talking, he might come back. I don’t want to portray the situation as totally out of hand because my Mom and Dad still have definite parental control over my siblings and I, but I can see how a soft upbringing (especially for my little brother (and my other brother involving his Minecraft obsession)) has hurt my siblings. Anyways, I am glad to see that they are going to bed earlier. Also, I am very very VERY happy to say that my mother has been enforcing family prayers in the morning now that we have started school again.

I pray for my Mom a lot, I know some things won’t change, but I know they can get better!

Yes, I have an older sister. She is a senior in high school this year, but she is also taking a good amount of college courses, so she is often very busy.

I think this if I had to choose one thing that would help this whole situation greatly is communication.We all talk to each other, yes, but very seldom do we actually all communicate.
 
“I could also say, my family is saving $800 a month by not eating anymore.”

What I meant by that is that my family could no longer afford to send us all to private school, and what we are doing now is amazingly better than the alternative.

“It’s a false savings if what you’re all getting at home is not equivalent to what you were getting at school. It sounds like you personally are responsible enough to manage your own academic program (if you get the time for it), but that your mom is struggling with educating at least some members of your family. Maybe some of you (for instance, those who can manage themselves at least 60% of the time) should continue at home, while the others go back to school.”

The whole situation of homeschooling is too complex for me to be able to explain, but I assure you that homeschooling is a good thing for my family, and I can see how it has greatly helped us in so many ways. I think this is just a situation where God is asking my mother to grow in some places she might have personal weakness.

“You may want to talk privately to your dad about your concerns, asking him not to overreact, but to make his own observations. Your mom is not going to want to feel like she’s being treated as your dad’s employee, even if she struggles with doing the stuff she needs to do.”

Thank you for the advice, I will talk to my mom and dad about it in a stress-free environment. Please say a prayer for me!
 
stephie_venuto said:
Hi everyone. This isn’t really a religious question, but I need some help and I don’t know who else to ask.

In my house, all the kids are supposed to have chores. My older sister is supposed to do the laundry, and my brothers the trash, and my little sisters have to keep our bathroom clean. My dad works full time and he can’t monitor our choirs because he is too busy. However, when I do mention to him, he is very helpful. He agrees with him, and they will do what he asks when he is around, but my mom will let them do whatever I am the only one who consistently does my choirs. Every night. Whether it is 12:15am and I have school the next day, or if I am sick. I do them because I know that my family relies on me to do them. None of my other siblings do their choirs, and my mom doesn’t discipline them at all.

It is important to mention that my siblings and I are all homeschooled. We started our second year today. My mom’s easygoing nature is largely detrimental to our schooling. I am the only one who scolds the children for running around while they are supposed to be doing their math, or for randomly getting up and eating three bowls of cereal in the middle of the day.

I am extremely stressed out because I don’t know how to deal with this. I can see in so many ways how this is severely hurting my siblings, even if they don’t know it. It is also the reason that our house is a mess, and chaotic.

It really bugs me how my mom allows my siblings to watch one or two movies a night go to bed between 10:30-11:00pm (siblings meaning ages 12, 10, 7, and 5), and not able to pull them together to say five minutes of prayers even though I offered to organize them.

I really hate being disrespectful towards my mother. A largely annoying aspect is that it isn’t as if my mother doesn’t have time to take of us. She is a stay-at-home mom. Her** job** is to take care of us, and help us with our school work, and keep the house running smoothly. I am keeping the house running, and I am the one disciplining my siblings to work. I need my mom to look at tons of different papers for me to submit for my school work, and I look over while my little siblings are wandering and doing random things and she is on Facebook, or doing a random sewing project. Then, randomly in the afternoon she will disappear for an hour or so and say that she needs to rest when in actuality she just lays on her bed and plays games on her ipad.

Like I said, I try to take this all in stride, and keep working as hard as a I can, but sometimes, like now, the stress just overtakes me and I don’t know what to do. I have been to confession about it, but I don’t really have any kind of spiritual director I can talk to. Please say a prayer for me! Thank you.
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Just a peace of advice don’t try to tell your siblings what they should or shouldn’t do. Instead offer it as advice or a suggestion. “Hey you know it would really help dad or mom out if we could do this or that to make things easier for them” something along those lines. If your the oldest and they look up to you that makes it a little easier if not then you’re only burning bridges and they’ll resent you because you’re not their parent.

I would express your concerns to your mom and dad. If they don’t listen then express your concerns to a trusted family member or family friend and ask it they will help you express your concerns to your parents. I would try your parents directly first. Maybe your mom doesn’t realise how what she does effects you. Maybe she’s going through some issues of her own and just doesn’t realize it.

Prayers for you family.
 
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