I need help

[mh0701]

Hey folks.

I don’t post much; but I’ve been reading these forums for quite some time and I appreciate all the (name removed by moderator)ut from everyone here.

I am a 34 year old man. Husband to an amazing woman and father of two beautiful daughters, and we have one on the way. I am a relatively new convert, came into the Church last Easter. Since the beginning of my conversion, I have been working hard trying to eliminate my sexual sins; and I have to admit, I have come a long, long way as far as improvement in this area. However, I am still having a lot of trouble breaking free from the chains of sexual sin. I find myself in confession weekly - sometimes more than once per week. Every time I walk out of there hoping it’s over, but it really never is.

I pray daily, including the Rosary. I go to Mass 2-3 times per week on average. I meet with my Pastor often for spiritual direction. I have made changes that block me from easily accessing stuff on the internet that is sinful (although if I’m determined enough, I can get through it.) I’m still at a complete loss. I don’t understand why I don’t have the strength to resist temptation. I could use help from other men who were or are in my situation. Feel free to PM me if necessary too. What else do I do? I could use prayers too, if you are willing.

God bless you all, and thank you in advance!

 

[Edward58]

You know, up to the early part if this year, I was in somewhat the same situation. Internet porn was my weakness, Then I started to read this forum to give me an incentive to stop and began to rid all of my computers of any links that took me to any sexually suggestive sites. I then began to pray the Rosary twice a day and am now up to four times a day. Going to confession to rid myself of these sins and guilt was really the key. I felt really embarrassed having to tell the priest a few time what I did. Now every time the urge hits me, which is a lot less now, I create a mental image of the Blessed Mother in my head to help me and the desire goes away. I tool me six months to now free myself of these desires. Also, running more and exercising has also helped me burn up any sexual frustration. Hope this helps.

 

[pira114]

It may sound easy, but I know it’s not. The answer though is simple. Just don’t.

It’s like smoking, drinking, drugs, etc. It’s not a disease. It’s a choice. You have to make an honest decision to do or not do something. Then stick with it. That’s really all there is to it.

It’s not like you “caught” this porn disease from a dirty toilet or shopping cart handle. You choose it. Don’t give yourself the out by thinking it’s a disease or your not strong enough. Of course you are. God didn’t make us unable to control ourselves. He made us strong. And gave us free will. Now choose to be strong and just stop.

I’m no different. I was a smoker. I thought, “gee, it’s sooo hard to stop. I can’t do it.” Once I realized I was giving myself a built in excuse and realized I can control my actions, I quit. It was like an epiphany. I was having a smoke when I got to thinking, it was ME who lit the cigarette and chose to smoke. Hmmm, if that’s true, I can choose not to. So I put it out. And haven’t had one since. I wanted too. But EVERY SINGLE time, I simply chose not to

Asking for advice and talking to people helps keep us focused. But please realize that in all reality, you don’t NEED to. The power and strength is in you. Always has been. Thank God for that.

 

[pamnbam]

Try to go to confession more frequently, once a week if possible. Don’t go because you’ve already committed a sin, go on a regular basis to do a good examination of conscience about your genial sins, too. Say the St. Michael prayer when you feel the urge to sin coming on. And try to avoid near occasion–go for a walk or do something physical. If you can change your thought track in your mind, it will help. You’re in our prayers!

 

[piofaustina]

Hello mh0701,

Yeah, this is a real hardship. I’ve found that when it comes to these kinds of temptations, counting the amount of time we can go without sinning isn’t as effective as counting the number of serious temptations we resist. So for example, if I have 5 temptations in a day without falling, that’s more encouraging than “I only went 1 day”. You got attacked by the devil 5 times, he had to keep hitting you because you’re not a quitter! That’s alot, and the number of temptations will go down as your body learns how to “take a hit” more.

I’m curious, you said that you have software to block the internet, but you’re still getting in. What software is it? And who has the password, you or your wife? Is she aware you are struggling with this?

 

[Groo]

This video is from Fulton Sheen’s show. The subject is ‘Psychology of Temptation’ and he talks about compulsions, including sexual compulsion. It helped me; maybe it will help you as well.

youtube.com/watch?v=x7OdSU9zmkc

 

[pamnbam]

You can also try putting your computer in a heavily-tracked area of the house. You wouldn’t want your kids seeing anything dirty on the computer, so that is another way to discourage yourself from committing sexual sins.

 

[dconklin]

Continue to find things to replace the free time you have to get in trouble. The Rosary is a great start. How about some sort of athletic training. Hypnotherapy could help too.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I am in the same boat, brother.

Here is what I’ve learned. I use pornography – and the things which approach porn – as treatment for the pain I am consciously or subconsciously dealing with. It’s a painkiller.

So I think you need to get in touch with what’s hurting you, and feel that pain fully. Let God the Father guide you through that process, along with your spiritual director. Victory comes when we face the difficulties of life, instead of numb ourselves to them.

God bless you!

 

[Joe_5859]

It may sound easy, but I know it’s not. The answer though is simple. Just don’t.

It’s like smoking, drinking, drugs, etc. It’s not a disease. It’s a choice. You have to make an honest decision to do or not do something. Then stick with it. That’s really all there is to it.

It’s not like you “caught” this porn disease from a dirty toilet or shopping cart handle. You choose it. Don’t give yourself the out by thinking it’s a disease or your not strong enough. Of course you are. God didn’t make us unable to control ourselves. He made us strong. And gave us free will. Now choose to be strong and just stop.

I’m no different. I was a smoker. I thought, “gee, it’s sooo hard to stop. I can’t do it.” Once I realized I was giving myself a built in excuse and realized I can control my actions, I quit. It was like an epiphany. I was having a smoke when I got to thinking, it was ME who lit the cigarette and chose to smoke. Hmmm, if that’s true, I can choose not to. So I put it out. And haven’t had one since. I wanted too. But EVERY SINGLE time, I simply chose not to

Asking for advice and talking to people helps keep us focused. But please realize that in all reality, you don’t NEED to. The power and strength is in you. Always has been. Thank God for that.

I know pira114’s answer might sound overly simplistic, but it really is true for pretty much everything in life: make a decision and be committed to seeing it through. When you do that (with the grace from prayer and the sacraments on your side), there’s nothing that we cannot do. God does not ask us to do things that are impossible to do. If something is a sin, He will give you the grace to stop.

 

[Groo]

I know pira114’s answer might sound overly simplistic, but it really is true for pretty much everything in life: make a decision and be committed to seeing it through. When you do that (with the grace from prayer and the sacraments on your side), there’s nothing that we cannot do. God does not ask us to do things that are impossible to do. If something is a sin, He will give you the grace to stop.

The OP is going to daily Mass and praying the rosary. Even getting spiritual direction. Seems like he has been doing exactly what you recommend.

Why is this not working? Is he not praying enough? Or not praying the right way? Or not going to Mass enough?

 

[fin]

I’m not going through what the OP is going through, so I don’t know if I would be able to give out helpful advice. Since the OP is already praying the Rosary and going to Mass more often, like what the others said, try to go to Confession every month. Another practice I would suggest is to go to Eucharistic Adoration. I had some problems with myself. Lately I have access to go to Adoration more often. I go through all 4 forms of prayer there (adoration, thanksgiving, contrition, petition). After some time I realized that my problem with this particular aspect wasn’t something I struggled with anymore, in fact I almost forgot about it. It’s amazing since I usually pray for other intentions. You can read a lot of posts here on how Adoration has been really helpful.

 

[pira114]

The OP is going to daily Mass and praying the rosary. Even getting spiritual direction. Seems like he has been doing exactly what you recommend.

Why is this not working? Is he not praying enough? Or not praying the right way? Or not going to Mass enough?

It’s not working simply because he hasn’t made a true conscious decision to quit. Tells himself he has. And probably means it. But when the urge comes, he makes another decision to do it. All he has to do is DECIDE not to. It may mean making that decision every day for years. Or the rest of his life. But the decision is easy. Commitment to that decision is difficult.

There is no such thing as not praying hard enough. The power from God to make these decisions is in him and always has been.

Therapy, talking to friends, prayer, and internet forums are all good ways to keep us focused. Prayer is more useful when you ask God to help you realize the strength He has already given you instead of asking Him to do something for you.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

It’s not working simply because he hasn’t made a true conscious decision to quit. Tells himself he has. And probably means it. But when the urge comes, he makes another decision to do it. All he has to do is DECIDE not to.

In some ways, I disagree with this post, although I think it is partially right. In my own sexual addiction, simply deciding is not possible for me, on many occasions. If a really strong, visceral temptation hits, I am not free to simply decide to be holy. It is not possible for me – through an exercise of will – to resist this sin. Paul talks about this in Romans:

14 We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.

So what can I do? I can recognize moments of temptation, and hurl myself upon God’s mercy in those moments. I can experience the pain in myself that drives me to act in compulsive ways, instead of hiding from it. But I can’t resist this sin, unless God gives me the power, right now, to resist it.

Over time, as I am given the grace to choose rightly, God will restore the power of my will, so that I can “do what I want”, in Paul’s terms. But this does not happen immediately, except in less severe addictions.

 

[Groo]

Sheen lists 3 stages of sin in the video:

1. The Act
2. Habit
3. Compulsion (or addiction)

During the first and second stages, I would agree that individual actions like prayer can be effective in defeating the sin. At the third stage, however, one loses that freedom and literally becomes a slave to sin. I think slavery is actually a better description than addiction.

This freedom is not completely destroyed. An addict (in most cases) cannot beat the addiction with prayer and willpower alone. However, the addict can reach out to other people and ask for help. Continually reaching out to others for support is essential to recovery. By receiving support, the addict learns that he/she is not alone and does not have to handle life’s challenges alone.

Further, many addicts have been victims of some kind of abuse or have experienced family trauma at a young age. These people need professional help to work through their emotions, for which the addiction serves as a coping mechanism. It is not so easy as just making a decision and sticking with it.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Sheen lists 3 stages of sin in the video:

1. The Act
2. Habit
3. Compulsion (or addiction)

During the first and second stages, I would agree that individual actions like prayer can be effective in defeating the sin. At the third stage, however, one loses that freedom and literally becomes a slave to sin. I think slavery is actually a better description than addiction.

This freedom is not completely destroyed. An addict (in most cases) cannot beat the addiction with prayer and willpower alone. However, the addict can reach out to other people and ask for help. Continually reaching out to others for support is essential to recovery. By receiving support, the addict learns that he/she is not alone and does not have to handle life’s challenges alone.

Further, many addicts have been victims of some kind of abuse or have experienced family trauma at a young age. These people need professional help to work through their emotions, for which the addiction serves as a coping mechanism. It is not so easy as just making a decision and sticking with it.

 

[Lapey]

Hey folks.

I don’t post much; but I’ve been reading these forums for quite some time and I appreciate all the (name removed by moderator)ut from everyone here.

I am a 34 year old man. Husband to an amazing woman and father of two beautiful daughters, and we have one on the way. I am a relatively new convert, came into the Church last Easter. Since the beginning of my conversion, I have been working hard trying to eliminate my sexual sins; and I have to admit, I have come a long, long way as far as improvement in this area. However, I am still having a lot of trouble breaking free from the chains of sexual sin. I find myself in confession weekly - sometimes more than once per week. Every time I walk out of there hoping it’s over, but it really never is.

I pray daily, including the Rosary. I go to Mass 2-3 times per week on average. I meet with my Pastor often for spiritual direction. I have made changes that block me from easily accessing stuff on the internet that is sinful (although if I’m determined enough, I can get through it.) I’m still at a complete loss. I don’t understand why I don’t have the strength to resist temptation. I could use help from other men who were or are in my situation. Feel free to PM me if necessary too. What else do I do? I could use prayers too, if you are willing.

God bless you all, and thank you in advance!

What you are experiencing in the process of purification. Look into to Church’s teaching on sin, affects of sin, and reconciliation with God. There are two parts of reconciliation, most of us are familiar with and commonly talk about God’s mercy and that when we receive the sacrament we are forgiven, this is very true that God forgets your sin as soon as you confess and receive the sacrament it is done. The second part is temporal punishment, which is what you are experiencing.

Our propensity to sin, our weakness against that which we want to be free of, our connection to our fallen nature are examples of temporal punishment of sin. Think of this situation, a married man has an affair with a beautiful woman who is 15 years younger than his wife and the mistress gets pregnant. He is found out and his marriage is in danger so together he and his wife work it out and she forgives him; he truthfully confesses his sins and is forgiven. Is the mistress still pregnant? Will this child be a reminder of the sin for the rest of their lives? The answer to both questions is yes; this is temporal punishment.

Here is my point, we cannot partake of gravely sinful actions for years and expect our wants and desires to stop as soon as our brain tells us to stop. What you are experiencing is temporal punishment, a purification or “purgation” of the desire to go back to the lust of the sin. It appears that you are speaking of pornography and masturbation; if I am wrong here I do apologize. These are some strong desires and I can attest to the fact that there are some painful temporal punishments that come with desiring change. The devil is very cunning and knows that if he can break down a family he can make progress; thus the many attacks on family. These issues are a great weapon which he uses.

All of us have certain temptations we deal with, porn, same sex attraction, opposite sex attraction, alcohol, drugs, abusive behavior, etc. None of these are taken care of by a simple decision to stop. It is a battle to be purified over time. I mention both SSA and OSA because there isn’t much difference in the struggles to remain chaste. I struggle with my attraction to women other than my wife, just as a married/unmarried man struggles with SSA is attracted to other men; there is no difference and we all struggle with chastity. Impure thoughts of the homosexual nature are no more sinful than impure thoughts of the heterosexual nature.

Revelation 21:27: “…but nothing unclean will enter it, nor anyone who does abominable things or tells lies.”

Be thankful for the struggles and pray for the grace to receive the purification willingly and invite the Holy Spirit in them. From my battles with sexual impurities I can share several simple points; it does get easier over time, the ability to avoid the near occasion of the sin gets stronger, my marriage is better now than it ever was because my wife is the object of my desires now. I could go on, but you get the picture. Go to reconciliation often, as often as you feel the urge to “go back to the pig pen of sin.” You say you go weekly to confession, this is very good! The grace of the sacrament is real and beneficial to your struggle. Don’t forget to invite God into your struggles through prayer. St. Paul instructs us to pray “unceasingly”. To keep God on our minds at all times will help us keep other things not so Godly out of our minds.

All the best to you and your family and May God Bless you!

 

[Groo]

With respect to you and your ministry, Reverend Mr. Gary, I have to disagree with some of what you have said if I understand correctly.

I don’t believe that the persistent and overwhelming struggle against porn and masturbation is a purgation from the effects of sin. This is bondage and originates from the devil.

The purgation that comes from God has a healing element to it. Some ways that I have experienced this purgation:

• confronting my own part in resentments towards others. Particularly, my envy and pride
• seeing the effects of how my addiction hurt my loved ones
• grieving the losses of time and money due to addiction
• grieving lost relationships due to my selfishness
• grieving lost career opportunities
• facing the harm that I caused others
• making amends to people I have harmed
• accepting the loss of some dreams that may not be fulfilled in this lifetime

All of the above are painful reparations for sin. But there is a relief that comes from each step (mostly). Some things I may grieve for the rest of my life, but God will heal me through the grief.

But to experience such healing from the temporal effects of sin, one must first get sober. With the right help, one can achieve sobriety, and more quickly than one might think. Sobriety is only the beginning of recovery, not the end.

And as wonderful as prayer and the sacraments are, by themselves they are not sufficient to beat a sex addiction.

If a person broke his leg committing a sinful act - maybe in a careless car wreck, would you tell him that the broken leg is punishment and should be countered by prayer and sacraments alone? Or would you send him to a doctor?

There is real help available to sex addicts in counseling and 12 step programs. I find it sad that people seeking help in the Church are often told to just buck up and pray more. No wonder so many leave the church when they cannot find the help they so desperately need.

 

[Lapey]

With respect to you and your ministry, Reverend Mr. Gary, I have to disagree with some of what you have said if I understand correctly.

I don’t believe that the persistent and overwhelming struggle against porn and masturbation is a purgation from the effects of sin. This is bondage and originates from the devil.

The purgation that comes from God has a healing element to it. Some ways that I have experienced this purgation:

• confronting my own part in resentments towards others. Particularly, my envy and pride
• seeing the effects of how my addiction hurt my loved ones
• grieving the losses of time and money due to addiction
• grieving lost relationships due to my selfishness
• grieving lost career opportunities
• facing the harm that I caused others
• making amends to people I have harmed
• accepting the loss of some dreams that may not be fulfilled in this lifetime

All of the above are painful reparations for sin. But there is a relief that comes from each step (mostly). Some things I may grieve for the rest of my life, but God will heal me through the grief.

But to experience such healing from the temporal effects of sin, one must first get sober. With the right help, one can achieve sobriety, and more quickly than one might think. Sobriety is only the beginning of recovery, not the end.

And as wonderful as prayer and the sacraments are, by themselves they are not sufficient to beat a sex addiction.

If a person broke his leg committing a sinful act - maybe in a careless car wreck, would you tell him that the broken leg is punishment and should be countered by prayer and sacraments alone? Or would you send him to a doctor?

There is real help available to sex addicts in counseling and 12 step programs. I find it sad that people seeking help in the Church are often told to just buck up and pray more. No wonder so many leave the church when they cannot find the help they so desperately need.

All due respect back to you, none of what you posted is contrary to anything I posted. Just because I may have not mentioned help other than sacramental grace doesn’t mean I believe that is all that is needed. All of our struggles are part of temporal punishment and part of our cleansing. You may not agree with this, but Mother Church does.

I posted my response because I was compelled to offer my experiences with these issues and also my help as a minister, not to draw debate. I’ll go back to the normal forums where I normally post. Thanks have a nice day.

 

[Groo]

I apologize; I tend to run a little hot and come across too strong. Think I will go back to lurking