I need help!!!

[Erjoe79]

First and foremost, I want to state in the strongest way possible that I do not mean or intend to disrespect anyone. That said, I am looking for serious, thoughtful adult advise. I say this because through my browsing Ive seen some really immature comments/thought/advise, etc.

To start with, I am a 35 year old guy who still lives at home. Yes I still live with my parents. Not by personal choice, but because the choices i’ve made, or neglected to make, have led my to this extremely uncomfortable position. I am working to rectify this as fast as I can.

Secondly, I have come to realize, to a devastating degree, that I am terrified of my parents. Allow me to elaborate on that.

My parents are very traditionally catholic. They are very loving, caring, warm, etc. They also have a very distinctive way to give advise, specially my father. For example, he would say something like, here’s my opinion/advise, but you can do whatever the hell you want. And sometimes they don’t react to circumstances in a way any normal person would.

The reason for all this preamble? Here it goes.

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for 5 years now. She is a wonderful woman and an even more wonderful mother. Because of her recent family dynamics, basically she’s being forced by her brother and his fiancé to move out of the house. Not necessarily at the moment, but it has to happen.

Here is my ordeal. What would any of you do if faved with a similar situation? She basically has nowhere to go. One side of her family does not speak to her. So it’s literally her, her daughter, and her mother, with nowhere to go.

We love each other very much. I also know that if/when I (were to) tell my parents that I am moving in to live with her, Mt. Vesuvius would erupt again in galactic proportions.

Being a grown 35 year old man, should I be so terrified of my own parents? And before all start to cry fowl, we are planning our wedding.

Again, please I need adult, thoughtful advise. Thank you in advanced.

 

[Pax2u]

If she has a child and no resources, why is she “planning a wedding” ? What is there to plan, other than meeting with the priest and taking whatever classes/meetings are required? Under the circumstances, I wouldn’t be worrying about renting a hall, calling a caterer, or buying a fancy gown.

If you are convinced this is the person you should marry, then marry her. Invite your parents and a few special friends, go out to dinner to celebrate, and go home to your own apartment.

What do you propose doing?

 

[NovusFidem]

Your parents seem like very understanding people. Showing what you should do, but allowing you to choose is, as I see it, the position of our Church. (and God, as He gave us free will)

Since you asked: I would bring her to meet and talk to your parents. They seem like wonderful people, she seems like a nice woman (and good mother) and your parents seem like good Catholics (“loving, caring, warm”). Why would they freak out if you were to marry her? Even if what you are doing may not be ideal (I suppose they must have some kind of objection, if you are that scared), at least you are trying to make it right by them. The fact that she has a child already is of no consequence here; if the two of you are aware of what marriage is TRULY about (children), you both can work it out.

I don’t think you should be scared of your parents, that is just silly. But, employed or not, as long as you are living under their roof, you ought to respect their beliefs and opinions; if they object to your relationship for any reason, you should respect that and, until you can take care of yourself, live by their rules.

Sorry, I don’t want to treat you like a child, but I’m living a similar situation (just younger, 26yo); since I am not paying rent or bills, the least I can do is be the least bothersome to my parents as I can.

 

[phil_at_dayboro]

Older Parents can be Masters of Emotional Blackmail,
But. I have let you live under our roof , But we have Done so much for you,
All the things we have done for you and you treat us this way ? Etc. etc.
Firstly , do your parents know about this lady friend at all ?
I would assume so , have you ever invited her home for dinner ?
I would assume so , you have been dating for 5. Years , but you say nothing about how your parents see this wonderful woman, if they know that you two are in a long term relationship, then There shouldn’t be a problem, if your parents have seen the two of you together, then they will get over it,
I know how possessive older parents can be,I’m actually one now,lol
But seriously, just DO it , please get back to us all with a bit more detail as to how your parent feel about the love of your life,

 

[pensmama87]

Maybe I am missing something, but why can’t you just marry her? If the two of you can afford to find a place together, then you can afford to get married.

Nothing you’ve said about your parents alarms me. They actually sound very reasonable - you DO get to do whatever you want with advice. I understand that there might be other things, but what you’ve written does not make anything sound amiss with them. They would be right to frown on cohabitation because it’s immoral.

 

[Pax2u]

Maybe I am missing something, but why can’t you just marry her? If the two of you can afford to find a place together, then you can afford to get married.

Nothing you’ve said about your parents alarms me. They actually sound very reasonable - you DO get to do whatever you want with advice. I understand that there might be other things, but what you’ve written does not make anything sound amiss with them. They would be right to frown on cohabitation because it’s immoral.

The way I read the OP’s post, he was talking about cohabitation when he said:

“We love each other very much. I also know that if/when I (were to) tell my parents that I am moving in to live with her, Mt. Vesuvius would erupt again in galactic proportions.”

 

[Catholic1954]

First and foremost, I want to state in the strongest way possible that I do not mean or intend to disrespect anyone. That said, I am looking for serious, thoughtful adult advise. I say this because through my browsing Ive seen some really immature comments/thought/advise, etc.

To start with, I am a 35 year old guy who still lives at home. Yes I still live with my parents. Not by personal choice, but because the choices i’ve made, or neglected to make, have led my to this extremely uncomfortable position. I am working to rectify this as fast as I can.

Secondly, I have come to realize, to a devastating degree, that I am terrified of my parents. Allow me to elaborate on that.

My parents are very traditionally catholic. They are very loving, caring, warm, etc. They also have a very distinctive way to give advise, specially my father. For example, he would say something like, here’s my opinion/advise, but you can do whatever the hell you want. And sometimes they don’t react to circumstances in a way any normal person would.

The reason for all this preamble? Here it goes.

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for 5 years now. She is a wonderful woman and an even more wonderful mother. Because of her recent family dynamics, basically she’s being forced by her brother and his fiancé to move out of the house. Not necessarily at the moment, but it has to happen.

Here is my ordeal. What would any of you do if faved with a similar situation? She basically has nowhere to go. One side of her family does not speak to her. So it’s literally her, her daughter, and her mother, with nowhere to go.

We love each other very much. I also know that if/when I (were to) tell my parents that I am moving in to live with her, Mt. Vesuvius would erupt again in galactic proportions.

Being a grown 35 year old man, should I be so terrified of my own parents? And before all start to cry fowl, we are planning our wedding.

Again, please I need adult, thoughtful advise. Thank you in advanced.

Ok, here is my idea. Meet with a priest and get the marriage plans rolling (if you have not already). Have Girlfriend and Mom stay as long as possible in their present residence and then move them to the least expensive (but suitable) apartment. YOU pay (or help pay) the rent until the wedding, but do not move in because it would not be right and that is what would most disturb your parents. Marry the girl and live happily ever after with her, Mom and stepdaughter. If you are afraid of telling your parents that you are going to get married, buy a nice engagement ring and have her come over to show it off to them.

 

[Regina7]

If you are already engaged, get married now. Why wait, especially if, as you say, Mt. Vesuvius will erupt? You certainly don’t need to put both of your souls in jeopardy by cohabitating.

Just get married. It certainly doesn’t need to be an elaborate affair. All you need is the Church and your family to help celebrate.

 

[Lorelei12]

Ok, here is my idea. Meet with a priest and get the marriage plans rolling (if you have not already). Have Girlfriend and Mom stay as long as possible in their present residence and then move them to the least expensive (but suitable) apartment. YOU pay (or help pay) the rent until the wedding, but do not move in because it would not be right and that is what would most disturb your parents. Marry the girl and live happily ever after with her, Mom and stepdaughter. If you are afraid of telling your parents that you are going to get married, buy a nice engagement ring and have her come over to show it off to them.

This is a very reasonable plan. It is in fact what we did- a couple of months before our wedding I was unemployed and unable to pay my rent. So my husband paid it and then moved in after we married.

No, you shouldn’t be terrified of your own parents. But, at least from what you’ve described, they don’t sound terrifying. It kind of sounds like a situation where you’re looking for justification for what you want to do (moving in with her) and painting your parents as the bad guys.

 

[Xantippe]

This is a very reasonable plan. It is in fact what we did- a couple of months before our wedding I was unemployed and unable to pay my rent. So my husband paid it and then moved in after we married.

No, you shouldn’t be terrified of your own parents. But, at least from what you’ve described, they don’t sound terrifying. It kind of sounds like a situation where you’re looking for justification for what you want to do (moving in with her) and painting your parents as the bad guys.

Yes.

I’d add that before this couple gets married, there ought to be at least a period of time where one or the other of them is living independently from family in their own personal space. Ideally, it would be nice if both could do that, but I know times are tough.

I believe very much in the value of both future spouses having the experience of living in their own space and having responsibility for it, and each future spouse being able to actually see how the other copes with that sort of responsibility. (Is she a slob? Does he believe that the fridge cleans itself and fills itself with fresh milk and produce? Does he believe that bathing and haircuts are optional? Does she believe that as long as she has checks, she has money? Etc.) But, again, it sounds like this couple would do very well to just have one non-family home before they get married.

I would also encourage some non-cohabitating “playing house.” I mean not sex, but literally doing a dress rehearsal of the chore split that you foresee using when you are married. (You’ll hopefully be adjusting it as circumstances change, but try to work on this before you get married.)

By the way, is her mom moving in with you? I understand the practicalities, but that could be very weird. Newlyweds need a little space for having newlywed fights without third parties jumping in. Could her mom live elsewhere, at least for the first year or so?

Oh, and please do a personal finance course together before you get married and work on budgeting–in a low-income situation such as your own, it’s especially crucial to have good cooperation on money. Money problems break up a lot of marriages. (Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University is a good one.)