I need marraige advice

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I think the last minute thing is what really bothers me. When I get off from work, he’ll text me letting me know he’s out with his friends. To his credit, he’s home early, usually no later than 11, but I’m asleep by then because of work. Our relationship is also in a sensitive state. I recently moved back in after a year of seperation due to lost of trust.
 
I would advise you to confront him and tell him the way you feel about this particular problem and if that did not work try putting your foot in his shoes and lets see how much he likes it not all men you can reason with some of them have to see/ feel what you are going through in other to make a change. But he is also human and deserves to spend some time with his friends also so plz don’t pen him it wont end well for you
 
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Angie said:
I recently moved back in after a year of seperation due to lost of trust.
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Adding another dimension to it. If there are trust issues I can see why you would be even more sensitive to that kind of behavior than normal and while I may not mind the odd last minute going out with friends I would have a problem with it being frequent.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for a couple to tell each other in advance when they are going out and when they’ll be back.

Figure out what you would be OK with and try to tell him. If the days are predictable or can be narrowed down, (it seems like it can be one of two days in a fortnight) maybe ask him in advance which night he’d like to go out with his friends. He may take that as passive aggressive though I can’t come up with anything better if you’ve already tried saying you’d like to know in advance.

Are his friends the types to plan spontaneously or is it an every night or organized kind of thing? If organized in advance or every night he should be able to get a day in advance.
 
Is it a mixed-gender group of friends that you’re not invited to hang with, or is it just the boys? Because if it’s the former, you should have a standing invitation and this is a separate, and likely serious problem. If it’s the latter, chill. And also, feel free to see your friends once in awhile.

It sounds like he has an erratic schedule, so I would cut him a little slack on last-minute stuff, unless he does know well in advance when he’ll be going out and just doesn’t bother to tell you. But going out once every couple of weeks is not excessive. Look at it from his perspective: once every couple of weeks he spends a few hours with people outside of work and immediate family and comes home at a reasonable hour. Losing that would leave a big hole in his life. (And I encourage you to start viewing your own social life in the same way.) It’s very healthy and positive for people to have strong social ties and close friends.

“Loss of trust” (which could mean no less than 10,000 different things) doesn’t negate a person’s right to healthy bonds with people other than their spouse. If he’s going out with women and you aren’t welcome, or these are guys who work to undermine his marriage (challenging him to flirt at bars or going out to strip clubs), then obviously that changes things.

But yes, you should take the kids so he can see his buddies, and he should take the kids so you can go out with your friends every now and then. That’s a loving and supportive thing to do in marriage.
 
With so much going on, your “loss of trust” issue as well as just having odd schedules, where are you with the professional help arena?
 
We don’t have children together. He has a teenage daughter. On the weekends when he’s off, we’ll all spend time together, and my husband will also have some dad/daughter time. My husband and I don’t get a lot of alone time and it’s confusing why he chooses to cut that time even more by excluding me so that he can spend time alone with his friends. I understand that friends are important so I want to come up with a solution that respects friendship but where I also feel loved and respected and that my husband would like to spend more than 2 days with me before he starts excluding me from his plans.
 
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We are doing online marraige courses from a cathoilc website, but at a very slow pace because of our limited time together.
 
From your description, he sees his friends for a couple of hours every two weeks, but spends several days with you during that time frame. That doesn’t seem particularly unreasonable to me.

The last minute thing would bother me- not if it happened once in awhile, but if he never lets you when he is going to be spending time with his friends until right then, that’s a problem. Can you ask him early on in the week “Do you plan to go out with your friends this week?” Don’t get upset, just tell him you are wondering so that you will know what to do for dinner.

It also sounds like there are other issues going on that are affecting your feelings, if you were separated for a year. If you aren’t already seeing a professional, that is probably a good idea.
 
Angie said:
We don’t have children together. He has a teenage daughter. On the weekends when he’s off, we’ll all spend time together, and my husband will also have some dad/daughter time. My husband and I don’t get a lot of alone time and it’s confusing why he chooses to cut that time even more by excluding me so that he can spend time alone with his friends. I understand that friends are important so I want to come up with a solution that respects friendship but where I also feel loved and respected and that my husband would like to spend more than 2 days with me before he starts excluding me from his plans.
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My husband and I now have a traditional schedule. If I required he spend 2 days with me every time he wanted to see his friends, he’d never see his friends.

At this point, you sound very controlling of his time. You only want him to give his time to his friends on your schedule. It doesn’t seem to me his goal is to “exclude you” but to work with his friends time, who have a similar schedule to you.

Two solutions- you go out with your friends and keep yourself busy or you have his friends over and play hostess but stay out of the way.
 
Angie said:
We are doing online marraige courses from a cathoilc website, but at a very slow pace because of our limited time together.
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Yeah…get a real face to face theripist, even if you both go alone.
 
Some people need a schedule, those of us who are up for adventures do not understand. By the same token, schedule people cannot grasp the idea of last minute happenings.

I am spur of the moment, while I appreciate a schedule I also love little surprises and last minute “Let’s go rent a cabin” or “Let’s go see the ‘Screaming Dashchunds’ concert!”.

Our son, on the other hand, likes to have the quarterly or annual schedule laid out. I used to drive him crazy when he was a kid “Hey, let’s drive 5 hours to see grandparents this weekend” when he was 11 he already was set in his ways like an old man.

Anyway, I am guessing that you are like my son, you feel comfort with a structured plan. Your husband is more like me, finds delight in impromptu outings.

You guys can work this out, it is just about understanding the other person better. One lets loose a bit more while the other gets a bit more structured.

Really, it is simply a matter of communication, ability to adapt and trust.

ETA Just read where there are trust issues. The advice given by the other posters is spot on.

Find a real life counselor, or someone who does telecounseling (that way you guys don’t have to be in the same room or same continent!)
 
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Thank you for everyone’s (name removed by moderator)ut. I will take this into Adoration. Please pray for me that I have the wisdom and strength to do God’s will.
 
Is he doing anything wrong? How long have you been married? Where is he gong? What time of day is it? Is it related to his work?
 
OK OP. I am just going to be blunt here, with a few points:

The amount of times he is spending with his friends seems really reasonable to me. Be glad you don’t have a husband who is so clingy you can’t breathe. It is a good thing for you each to have friends.

Him going out with friends isn’t OK if it is taking necessary resources from the family in order for him to do so. In other words, if it is a hardship for him to go, he shouldn’t be going unless you both agree the hardship is worth it (financially speaking, here).

And finally, this isn’t going to sound nice but it needs to be said. I hope you aren’t whining when you discuss this issue with him. If you are whining, you are giving him a really good reason to want to get out without you. I am not by any means suggesting you are doing this. I am just mentioning it because I have seen it happen over and over and the wives don’t ever seem to make the connection.

If you are going out three times every two weeks with your husband you are very lucky by a lot of peoples’ standards, regardless of what your husband is doing. Try to feel good about that.
 
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To be honest I think it’s a good thing he is maintaining his own social life, so many married men don’t bother.
 
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