I need more patience - rant

[Just_wondering]

I posted a few weeks ago about a problem I was having - one of my friends doesn’t like my boyfriend, and is being really rude about it. Everyone offered me really good advice, which I really appreciated. It’s just hard to follow it.

I’m just feeling down.

The problem is that my “friend” (we’ll call her D) thinks that because my boyfriend was married before and has two children, he must be still married and be cheating on his wife. Not true. She’s giving me the silent treatment, on and off, because she disapproves of divorce and figures that I’m applying for the position of “other woman”, even though the mother of my boyfriend’s children left him, and he got an annulment, so I know it’s over between them. Everyone that I asked, online and off, said basically that I should ignore D and avoid her because she’s being unreasonable and rude.

I’m trying that, but it’s so hard. She works with me. We share an office - just the two of us - and that’s not going to change for at least another 8 months. D also lives in the same building as me, one floor up. We have been friends for 13 years, and were roommates before. We have celebrated Christmas together (because we live away from our families) for the last five years.

D still speaks to me about office stuff, but we don’t talk about anything else anymore. I rarely see her on weekends. I eat lunch with her because it’s basically unavoidable, but we don’t talk about anything substantial.

I don’t think I can do this for eight months. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. She gets mad everytime my phone rings because it might be him. If someone drops by the office and asks how my weekend went, she gets all silent and sulky if I mention meeting him. If I bring him up in conversation, she loses it and starts yelling, or just doesn’t acknowledge that I’ve spoken.

I planned to keep this job for at least another year, because I’m doing a master’s degree and I can’t afford to lose my income while I look for another job. I could find another job in September, which is when my contract expires, but it just seems so far away.

My boyfriend tells me to try to ignore her, because I need this job to finish my master’s degree. After I finish, I can use my credentials to find a better one where I’ll be happier. My other friends tell me the same thing. I don’t want to disappoint my boss by quitting mid-contract, and I like the work I’m doing. I just can’t stand being treated like I’m doing something wrong.

D has real issues with marriage. She claims not to know one happily married couple. Her parents’ marriage ended in abuse and divorce. Her mother remarried into a similar situation, and divorced again. And again. And again. I know that this is at the heart of her issue with my dating a previously married man, but I shouldn’t have to suffer for her unhappy childhood. She won’t go into counselling - a dozen people have suggested it, and she won’t go.

Pray for healing for her, and patience for me, if you would. Thanks for listening.

 

[RWMorris]

Wow, your friend has a bit of a problem. I feel for you. Don’t have any advice, just praying for you.

 

[KCtheMommy]

At one point I would snap right back and say “Not only are you going to have marriage issues for the rest of your life – you are going to have friend issues too!”

You have to tell her that your life is within YOUR control, not hers. She needs to mind her own business. Yes, she’s been exceptionally clear on her feelings, but your feelings aren’t changing.

This seems SO unreasonable, have you considered there might just be more to it? Like she has feelings for YOU that go beyond friendship? Maybe she’s gay? I mean seriously – think about it. Has she approved of ANYONE you have ever dated whilst being her friend? Does she typically act jealous?

I am sorry you are so uncomfortable in your office. It’s so hard to work with under-lying stress. You haven’t done anything wrong, so you shouldn’t have to quit. Tell your boss the whole deal is getting to you and you feel like you might be able to work better in a different “space.” Hopefully he’ll accommodate you.

You have my prayers for patience and peace. Speak up though, she’s angry she can’t control you, yet her behavior indicates she’s still trying very HARD to do just that. Let her know it’s not up to her. Let her know you miss her as your friend too, and it’s a shame she can’t let you live and breath and do your own thing.

 

[Just_wondering]

This seems SO unreasonable, have you considered there might just be more to it? Like she has feelings for YOU that go beyond friendship? Maybe she’s gay? I mean seriously – think about it. Has she approved of ANYONE you have ever dated whilst being her friend? Does she typically act jealous?

never thought of that!

Hmm… well, she has never approved of anyone I’ve dated since we’ve been friends, and yes she usually acts jealous. I always figured it’s because I like “alpha male” types, and she has issues with powerful men because of her mom’s history of domestic abuse.

On the other hand, she regularly says stuff like “all men are pigs” and complains about men, even though she’s married. When a colleague was talking about men generally having stronger needs in the bedroom than women during marriage, she was disgusted - not because he was talking about it, but because she doesn’t like the idea of men having needs like that.

She used to have a lesbian couple that she looked up to as a role model, back in college. They recently “divorced” after 15 years together, and she won’t speak of them anymore.

If that is the case, I have no idea whether I should change my strategy, or just continue as is.

I am sorry you are so uncomfortable in your office. It’s so hard to work with under-lying stress. You haven’t done anything wrong, so you shouldn’t have to quit. Tell your boss the whole deal is getting to you and you feel like you might be able to work better in a different “space.” Hopefully he’ll accommodate you.

I’d love to do this, but my boss has a policy against men and women sharing offices, and we are the only two women. And there are no extra offices.

Anyway, thanks for the prayers and advice.

 

[KCtheMommy]

never thought of that!

Hmm… well, she has never approved of anyone I’ve dated since we’ve been friends, and yes she usually acts jealous. I always figured it’s because I like “alpha male” types, and she has issues with powerful men because of her mom’s history of domestic abuse.

On the other hand, she regularly says stuff like “all men are pigs” and complains about men, even though she’s married. When a colleague was talking about men generally having stronger needs in the bedroom than women during marriage, she was disgusted - not because he was talking about it, but because she doesn’t like the idea of men having needs like that.

She used to have a lesbian couple that she looked up to as a role model, back in college. They recently “divorced” after 15 years together, and she won’t speak of them anymore.

If that is the case, I have no idea whether I should change my strategy, or just continue as is.

I think we just had an AHA moment huh? LOL Glad to be of assistance, but at the same time I am sorry to point it out. I bet you are chewing on this one and having to go back through your memories.

IF this is the case and you are pretty sure this is the problem I think your stress with her will lessen CONSIDERABLY. Not that you’ll be comfy with the idea, but understanding of situations makes everything easier. Also, letting go of the friendship when you realize the ulterior motive will be easier. You can’t be friends with anyone this hostile. It’s hard to be RELATED to anyone this hostile!

Update us! And meanwhile, hang tight! Sorry about work. Muddle through, count the days.

 

[chevalier]

never thought of that!

Hmm… well, she has never approved of anyone I’ve dated since we’ve been friends, and yes she usually acts jealous. I always figured it’s because I like “alpha male” types, and she has issues with powerful men because of her mom’s history of domestic abuse.

Whichever way it is, she has a problem.

On the other hand, she regularly says stuff like “all men are pigs” and complains about men, even though she’s married. When a colleague was talking about men generally having stronger needs in the bedroom than women during marriage, she was disgusted - not because he was talking about it, but because she doesn’t like the idea of men having needs like that.

I seriously doubt men have any more needs than women do.

She used to have a lesbian couple that she looked up to as a role model, back in college.

There it is. I suspected something like that. Would it be possible she were jealous of you because of having some feelings she shouldn’t really have for a friend of the same gender?

 

[whatevergirl]

I posted a few weeks ago about a problem I was having - one of my friends doesn’t like my boyfriend, and is being really rude about it. Everyone offered me really good advice, which I really appreciated. It’s just hard to follow it.

I’m just feeling down.

The problem is that my “friend” (we’ll call her D) thinks that because my boyfriend was married before and has two children, he must be still married and be cheating on his wife. Not true. She’s giving me the silent treatment, on and off, because she disapproves of divorce and figures that I’m applying for the position of “other woman”, even though the mother of my boyfriend’s children left him, and he got an annulment, so I know it’s over between them. Everyone that I asked, online and off, said basically that I should ignore D and avoid her because she’s being unreasonable and rude.

I’m trying that, but it’s so hard. She works with me. We share an office - just the two of us - and that’s not going to change for at least another 8 months. D also lives in the same building as me, one floor up. We have been friends for 13 years, and were roommates before. We have celebrated Christmas together (because we live away from our families) for the last five years.

D still speaks to me about office stuff, but we don’t talk about anything else anymore. I rarely see her on weekends. I eat lunch with her because it’s basically unavoidable, but we don’t talk about anything substantial.

I don’t think I can do this for eight months. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. She gets mad everytime my phone rings because it might be him. If someone drops by the office and asks how my weekend went, she gets all silent and sulky if I mention meeting him. If I bring him up in conversation, she loses it and starts yelling, or just doesn’t acknowledge that I’ve spoken.

I planned to keep this job for at least another year, because I’m doing a master’s degree and I can’t afford to lose my income while I look for another job. I could find another job in September, which is when my contract expires, but it just seems so far away.

My boyfriend tells me to try to ignore her, because I need this job to finish my master’s degree. After I finish, I can use my credentials to find a better one where I’ll be happier. My other friends tell me the same thing. I don’t want to disappoint my boss by quitting mid-contract, and I like the work I’m doing. I just can’t stand being treated like I’m doing something wrong.

D has real issues with marriage. She claims not to know one happily married couple. Her parents’ marriage ended in abuse and divorce. Her mother remarried into a similar situation, and divorced again. And again. And again. I know that this is at the heart of her issue with my dating a previously married man, but I shouldn’t have to suffer for her unhappy childhood. She won’t go into counselling - a dozen people have suggested it, and she won’t go.

Pray for healing for her, and patience for me, if you would. Thanks for listening.

I didn’t see your last thread…but, I’m sorry you are being treated this way by someone you consider a friend. Truth is…when we share things about our personal lives, it somehow tells others that we want their unsolicited advice. I would probably recommend not saying any further details about your bf, his kids, his past…your relationship…with ‘D.’ She feels that because you share all of this, that she can comment ad nauseum. Now that she has overstepped her boundaries, perhaps, I would just say at this point…I really don’t want to discuss my relationship. If she says why…then I think I might feel compelled to saying…‘because I don’t feel comfortable discussing it with you anymore.’ If it ruins something between you two, she never was a friend to begin with. A true friend would apologize, after seeing she has hurt you.

As for your relationship…if he went through an annulment, then his prior marriage was not considered ‘valid.’

But, for now…love her like Jesus would…but just don’t share anything further with her.