I need opinions ASAP! Help!

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Princess…when hubby gets home you need to go give him a big hug, say thank-you, and tell him you know why you married him. Don’t worry about how things “look” with the hubby asking friendsd to throw a shower…we all know what men are like and I am sure your friends have figured this all out already. Just be gracious and accept that your friends probably wanted to throw you a shower anyway, but figured your mom had first dibs. Well, mom may have had first dibs but she blew it! Now it time for the gf’s to do it. God bless you Princess, but stop thinking about how things look to others and just accept the fact that your friends would have said no if they didn’t want to throw a shower.
 
Abby:

I haven’t read each post closely. But I wanted to add that I would not even send invitations to your mother and other estranged family members.You will feel anxious until they either rsvp that they will not attend or until the shower is completely over and you know that they won’t show up. And there will be too much tension between you and your family if they are present. And since your mom is unpredictable, who knows what might happen? Plus, if you are interested in keeping some distance from your mother in order to reduce any legal case that she might make to have access to your baby, inviting her to the shower would send a mixed message, that you want to keep her in your baby’s life. Invite your good sister if you can trust her not to tell mom. You will have a wonderful time without them. You’re not bound to share this day with your sick mother. It is so sad that she has created a situation where you must exclude her from your life in order to be healthy and happy. But she made her choices and must live with the consequences, even though it hurts you more than it hurts her. Furthermore, while you might “offer it up” and through prayer make it through the shower with your mother at your side, you are placing your dearest friends in a very, very uncomfortable situation, that is, having to be gracious to a mean-spirited woman who has been rude to them before. Now, I’m sure that your friends would say that they want your mom to come for your sake, but I wouldn’t recommend you doing that to them. Don’t let guilt or shame or misplaced hope drive you to include your mother. Instead, thank your friends and husband by having the time of your life at the shower. You are loved by many, many people, those are the ones you need to stay close to, they are a blessing from God. Finally, may the Lord shower you with peace in the next few weeks. Take care, Abby.
 
They are your friends and they love you. No matter how you are feeling about the shower, they are only doing it because they want to. Your DH was very sweet to try to figure out how to cheer you up.

Yes, you are hormonal, and yes you are mad at your mom, and yes you are embarrassed a little that people know the situation.

But, please accept this gift of love from your friends and husband graciously. They want to share in your joy of pregnancy and a new baby… please let them.
 
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kage_ar:
Well, I’m just happy your DH and friends are doing this, cause I was afraid I was going to have to drive up there and throw you a shower myself 🙂 I really am no good at showers, the games make me insane -

Give that man a hug for me, and get off the computer, you have to go get a cute maternity outfit for your shower, and practice looking surprised 🙂
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👍
 
Share this wonderful gift with people who make you happy. Unfortunately, your mother, who should be very happy is not. Don’t let that ruin this for you. Every new mom to be should receive a shower and you should too.

God Bless with your new family. Hopefully, your mother will come to her senses when the new little one arrives. 😃
 
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princess_abby:
Anyway she told me to think about it tonight and not to feel bad and also mentioned an alternative of waiting til the baby is born to let others see her and meet her? Hmmm. Has anyone else done that?
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Yes, my mother-in-law threw a party for me after my first was born. It was nice to have family and friends all see the baby (the first grandchild for both my parents and in-laws), but it was a bit of a madhouse, and I was struggling a bit with nursing, so it was a little stressful. It was much less about me, and much more about the baby! I think there’s good points to have it while pregnant, and having it after the birth.

Aren’t pregnancy hormones the pits? I mean, praise God for children and pregnancy, and all 🙂 but if there was a way to do it without the mood swings, it would be nice. 😛 It’s just so hard to discern what is from the hormones, and what is a true, rational emotional response, KWIM?
 
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Princess_Abby:
Anyway she told me to think about it tonight and not to feel bad and also mentioned an alternative of waiting til the baby is born to let others see her and meet her? Hmmm. Has anyone else done that?

The other issue is that she said she was planning on skipping my family altogether and only including my youngest sister (the one who isn’t brainwashed by my mother) and my neice’s mother. She (and my husband) and my other friend think it would cause much less of a problem if my mother wasn’t ‘on the scene’ and we didn’t embarrass her by inviting all my cousins and that sort of thing, just plenty of friends. That sort of sounds perfect to me…what do you all think?
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Oops!! I missed this part before I wrote my last post. Hey, if it’s a “friend” shower, then by all means, your mother and nasty sibs don’t need to be invited. I had 3 showers. One was work friends, one was just good old friends, and then a family shower given by my sister/SILs. BTW, since my first baby was adopted, we had the shower after she arrived. How fun it was to pass around the baby while I opened gifts. She even tried on some outfits for everyone. Everyone took a picture with the baby—very cool.
 
Thanks for all your kind thoughts and encouragement. I still feel uncomfortable about it and I’m still thinking about what I should really do. I also feel bad for my husband who, once he grasped the ‘technicality,’ felt a little mortified, too, that he just didn’t even think of that aspect. I keep telling him I know he was just trying to make me happy, and I think he hears that, he just sees my point now and is upset he inadvertantly embarrassed me while trying to do a good thing. Now I just want to make him feel better! 🙂

The whole family invitation thing bothers me, too. There are going to be hurt feelings depending on who is invited and who isn’t. I don’t like that at all and it makes me feel more unsure.
 
Okay forget what you think about baby showers’s anyone can throw you one! Heck Martha even says men can be invited! --just some stuff i found while searching the internet
chron.com/content/chronicle/features/97/10/12/martha.html

Second, ask if the mother would like to invite men to the shower, too. Today, many mothers prefer this. If you want the shower to feel more like a regular party, making it co-ed is a good way to achieve this.

babycenter.com/refcap/pregnancy/babyshowers/1642.html

Who should throw a baby shower?
Anyone except the expectant couple — though Miss Manners might disagree. Formal etiquette says that someone who’s not a relative must throw the shower to avoid having it look as though the family is asking for presents. Our advice? Ignore traditional rules. Any relative, close friend, or close co-worker should feel perfectly okay about planning a baby shower.
http://www.babyshower101.com/baby_shower_etiquette.html

Who Hosts the Baby Shower: Historically, the baby shower was hosted by someone outside of the family (friend, co-worker, symbolic Aunt). Today, anyone other than the Mommy-To-Be and her mom can throw a baby shower for her friend or family member! It is most common for the Best Friend, Aunt, or sister to throw the Mommy-To-Be the baby shower! It is becoming more common for co-workers, cousins, groups of friends, or church/temple friends to throw the shower and much appreciated.

This one applies to your hubby
storknet.com/cubbies/babyshowers/etiquette.htm

Throwing your own shower
Q. Is it okay to throw yourself a shower? I have several kids and am expecting triplets. I’ve never had a shower before.

A. It’s true that “proper etiquette rules” have relaxed a great deal since Emily Post, especially for baby showers. However, in the world of baby shower etiquette, most people would consider it really tacky to host your own shower. Showers can be given by most anybody these days but are usually hosted by a girlfriend or a grandma-to-be. If you have enough friends and relatives to attend a shower, I bet someone among that group will throw one for you. If you don’t hear of any plans, try dropping some subtle hints. 😃​

See nothing wrong with hinting that you want one…Remember…a shower is a celebration of a new life coming into the world. Invite everyone you want and enjoy!!!

May God Bless you and your growing family!
Beckers
 
If my mom did that to me (I’m a lucky gal with a great mom, fortunately) I sure wouldn’t invite her to my shower. She’d ruin the whole thing!
 
It sounds like you have a really great hubby and friends! You are blessed.

I may be wrong, but I think you are looking at the whole concept of a baby shower the wrong way. Yes, there are SOME who hold baby showers who are “gift grabbers,” but I think the whole idea of baby showers is beautiful.

Reasons:
It helps ease the financial impact. (This does not have to be the PRIMARY reason.)

It is an opportunity to celebrate in anticipation, and express welcome to the new soul that is coming.

It foster a sense of “community.”

It is a time to get together with friends and allow them to express thier excitement FOR YOU.

It’s fun to play games.

Good food to eat.

It’s an opportunity for others to feel “part” of this … oh so important … event in your life.

By allowing your husband and your friends to do this for you, you are GIVING TO THEM the opportunity to LOVE you. That is something very special you can give them.

Your hormones have inflated your pride.:eek:

And your mom really hurt your feelings. Try not to see what they are doing through your “look what mom has done to me” glasses."

Your moms actions were not motivated by love, your husbands and your friends are. I will say it again, you are blessed.
 
Abby,

If you are not comfortable with family attending, then don’t invite any member of your family, including the good sister. That way, you can honestly say to your family’s faces that it was a “friends shower” and in good conscience, leave it at that. Don’t worry. It’s not worth it.
 
Whatever you decide, give your husband a huge hug and thank him for loving you so much. As a husband, if I was in his position, while I might have been sympathetic to your dilemma, I doubt I would have done anything active other than just try to comfort you.
His love speaks loudly. He was actively showing it. You are richly blessed.
 
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Princess_Abby:
Anyway she told me to think about it tonight and not to feel bad and also mentioned an alternative of waiting til the baby is born to let others see her and meet her? Hmmm. Has anyone else done that?

Well, my situation was a little different as my son was adopted, but we did a “meet and greet” party. That way my husband and I already had most everything we needed and invited people to meet our son and have great food as well. Of course all brought presents, but they were very personal things like books where the giver had written a special note to Sam. I loved it and it was fun for the guests because they actually got to have the baby right there at the party. Whatever you decide, I think you should relax, enjoy the party and thank God you have a great husband and wonderful friends. Congrats!
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Princess_Abby:
Thanks for all your kind thoughts and encouragement. I still feel uncomfortable about it and I’m still thinking about what I should really do. I also feel bad for my husband who, once he grasped the ‘technicality,’ felt a little mortified, too, that he just didn’t even think of that aspect. I keep telling him I know he was just trying to make me happy, and I think he hears that, he just sees my point now and is upset he inadvertantly embarrassed me while trying to do a good thing. Now I just want to make him feel better! 🙂

The whole family invitation thing bothers me, too. There are going to be hurt feelings depending on who is invited and who isn’t. I don’t like that at all and it makes me feel more unsure.
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Put yourself in your friends’ shoes. If you asked about a shower for one of them, found out the odd fact that there was nothing planned, and your friend’s husband told you a similar story, you’d get a shower together for that girl in a New York minute, wouldn’t you? And you’d be thrilled to do it, wouldn’t you? Of course she’d protest a few times, but you would be horribly disappointed if she wouldn’t give in and let you do that for her.

As for who gets invited… not your problem. You are not throwing the party, remember? If you can’t do it, let your husband tell your friends the situation (if they haven’t already), give them a list of addresses they might want, and tell them that you would not in a million years tell them who they ought to invite or leave out. Then graciously accept what comes down. If your relatives don’t get invited and get their feelings hurt, you can very truthfully say that you had no say over who was invited and who wasn’t… as is proper. If they get invited and cause trouble, well, that is a reflection on them, not you. Your hosts/hostesses won’t blame you and it won’t be the first or last time you get to endure their antics.

You’ll survive this. It isn’t a fraction of what parenthood holds in store. 😉
 
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Princess_Abby:
Anyway she told me to think about it tonight and not to feel bad and also mentioned an alternative of waiting til the baby is born to let others see her and meet her? Hmmm. Has anyone else done that?
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Yes. It is great fun, because everybody gets to hold the baby, which is what everybody wants. Also, they can regale you with their birth stories without freaking you out… a big plus. Your hormomes will be better, too. Feel free to tell your host(s)/hostess(es) you’d feel best leaving it up to them
 
Abby, I’m glad you worked out the technicality on who’s throwing the shower! 🙂

As for who to invite…invite who makes you happy. It’s your shower. I don’t see how your mother or other family members can get upset about not being invited when they were they ones that canceled the first party. (I can’t believe that, by the way. If I lived near you, you’d be getting one heck of a baby shower, girlfriend. They WISH they could be there. 😛 ) Anyway, just invite who you want, relax, have a good time with your friends. If miffed family members ask about not being invited, you could always just tell them you weren’t in charge of that and it was a surprise.

You don’t need to be worrying about this stuff - take care of yourself first. Have a beautiful party, hon. 👍

And I can’t believe how far along you are! I remember when you thought you had the flu! 🙂
 
Calm down!

Let your friends throw you a baby shower! I know that I am always wanting an excuse to throw a baby shower, but people always beat me to it. Your friends are obviously very excited and “into” this.

Take a warm relaxing bath tonight (not hot!, LOL) and try to relax your mind from worrying so much. Try to be thankful that your husband and friends care so much! I understand your dilemma, but your husband and and love of your friends is far more important.

I know the proper ettiquette for baby and bridal showers, who is allowed to throw them etc. but 9 times out of 10 they happen this way, I promise! Most of the time friends are just waiting for an invitation, and if they don’t get one after awhile they are excited that they get to be part of the planning (if they are loving, caring friends) If they didnt’ want to do it they would not have agreed to it.

Go with it and try to have fun!
 
Also, it is not uncommon for a new mom to have a few showers, sometimes one with a certain groups of friends, then one at “the office” and then one with family. Just let your friends invite whomever they want.
 
Well, my baby sister gave me a good ‘talking to’ yesterday and helped me decide to stop worrying about family members and technicalities and all of that, and to just be excited and appreciate the shower. (Sometimes I can’t believe she’s only 18, she has quite the voice of reason sometimes.) She was like, “stop letting Mom’s issues indirectly dictate your fun!” Ooooooookay then!

Soooo thanks for the encouragement from all of you, too!

It’s set for March 4th, before the baby comes, which is probably better because my friend asked how comfortable I would feel about nursing a brand-new baby with tons of people around and passing her everywhere, especially since new babies are rarely on schedules and it would be hard to predict.
When she’s a few months old, or maybe at her baptism, we’ll introduce everyone to her.
 
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