I need some advice/ideas on pre marital sex

  • Thread starter Thread starter descout
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
D

descout

Guest
Is there any good information out there on this? I am trying to show my girlfirend the importance of this to me. She seems to think that sex is “love”, “connection”, etc. I am trying to show her that I see love in so many more ways. Such as being there for her, respecting her, etc. and that sex is to be only for married couples. I would like her to understand that me saying no to sex is not like me saying I dont “love” you but rather I Love you! Because to me I feel I am respecting her by saying no. Right now in order to move forward in our relationship I have said we need to find her faith and my faith. I am Catholic and am loving it more and more each day. She is non denominational and is still searching for the “right” church for her. One place we both thought we had common ground was the bible but it seems even tho she knows that fornication is a no no in the bible she still thinks it is right because of her needs or understanding of the term sex. I guess I am just looking for some good info on how to get my beliefs accross to her and that in order to move foward in faith we need to follow the bible. I am not very good at writing my feelings out on paper but I pray that someone will understand and be able to answer. I can only imagine that I am not the only one in this situation!
 
What my husband-to-be said to me is that the dating time was his opportunity to prove to me first-hand that he would be faithful to his marriage vows to me. By refusing to sleep with ANYbody outside of marriage – including me, no matter how much he loved me, how attracted he was to me, how passionately he wanted to be intimate to me – he was proving to me his ability to withstand any temptation.

It was the best wedding gift I could have received.
 
As a young Catholic myself (I’m assuming you are also) I’ve had this problem also. There are two things you can do. 1) Continue to express your love to her and try to never let her doubt that you love her. 2) Pray for her, and pray that she would decided to join the Catholic Church. If things don’t work out and the barrier is still there you may have to consider stopping the relationship. Its tough, but that is something you both have to agree on for a happy relationship.

I’ll be praying for you both.
 
descout said:
Is there any good information out there on this? I am trying to show my girlfirend the importance of this to me. She seems to think that sex is “love”, “connection”, etc. I am trying to show her that I see love in so many more ways. Such as being there for her, respecting her, etc. and that sex is to be only for married couples. I would like her to understand that me saying no to sex is not like me saying I dont “love” you but rather I Love you! Because to me I feel I am respecting her by saying no. Right now in order to move forward in our relationship I have said we need to find her faith and my faith. I am Catholic and am loving it more and more each day. She is non denominational and is still searching for the “right” church for her. One place we both thought we had common ground was the bible but it seems even tho she knows that fornication is a no no in the bible she still thinks it is right because of her needs or understanding of the term sex. I guess I am just looking for some good info on how to get my beliefs accross to her and that in order to move foward in faith we need to follow the bible. I am not very good at writing my feelings out on paper but I pray that someone will understand and be able to answer. I can only imagine that I am not the only one in this situation!
Click to expand...
Unfortunately pre-marital sex is not the only thing you are likely to disagree about. There is also the issue of birth control pre and post marriage. Have you discussed this too? Do the two of you agree?
 
Sparki777 said:
What my husband-to-be said to me is that the dating time was his opportunity to prove to me first-hand that he would be faithful to his marriage vows to me. By refusing to sleep with ANYbody outside of marriage – including me, no matter how much he loved me, how attracted he was to me, how passionately he wanted to be intimate to me – he was proving to me his ability to withstand any temptation.

It was the best wedding gift I could have received.
Click to expand...
Awwwww…how romantic! 🙂
 
SarahR said:
Awwwww…how romantic! 🙂
Click to expand...
Yup, 16 years of marriage as of today & it’s still as romantic as it was back then. I love this guy to pieces and I respect him more than any other person I’ve ever known.
 
descout said:
Is there any good information out there on this? I am trying to show my girlfirend the importance of this to me. She seems to think that sex is “love”, “connection”, etc. I am trying to show her that I see love in so many more ways. Such as being there for her, respecting her, etc. and that sex is to be only for married couples. I would like her to understand that me saying no to sex is not like me saying I dont “love” you but rather I Love you! Because to me I feel I am respecting her by saying no. Right now in order to move forward in our relationship I have said we need to find her faith and my faith. I am Catholic and am loving it more and more each day. She is non denominational and is still searching for the “right” church for her. One place we both thought we had common ground was the bible but it seems even tho she knows that fornication is a no no in the bible she still thinks it is right because of her needs or understanding of the term sex. I guess I am just looking for some good info on how to get my beliefs accross to her and that in order to move foward in faith we need to follow the bible. I am not very good at writing my feelings out on paper but I pray that someone will understand and be able to answer. I can only imagine that I am not the only one in this situation!
Click to expand...
Let her get her beliefs straight first.

I’m sure she’s a wonderful girl. However, if she is willing to violate such a great commandment of God’s, then you should not even consider marriage with her. I am in a relationship with a Protestant woman who thinks that birth control is morally licit, but is willing to abide by God’s commandment concerning it if we are married. She thinks that pre-marital sex is wrong also. Because of this, both of us have maintained our virginities. If one of us did not think that pre-marital sex was wrong, the temptation would be much more difficult.

My family is Protestant, and my older brother recently married a non-practicing Catholic (she has “converted” to my family’s brand of heresy). She did not think that pre-marital sex was wrong. Hence, they slept together before marriage. Terrible situation.

Anyways, the point is, you must end this relationship. I’m sorry, but the potential for dragging you into sin, as well as any possible children that could result, is much too great.
 
momor said:
Unfortunately pre-marital sex is not the only thing you are likely to disagree about. There is also the issue of birth control pre and post marriage. Have you discussed this too? Do the two of you agree?
Click to expand...
This is a very important practical matter. Sex is not only for “expressing love” (not only unitive), it’s also for making babies (it’s also procreative). Hopefully your gf will agree with you that it’s not such a good idea to start making babies before the two of you are married. Well, maybe she has some form of birth control on her mind, but the chance of a pregnancy is still there. And speaking of birth control, it is a must for you two to agree that artificial birth control (ABC) has no place in your marriage, because ABC is immoral. According to Catholic teaching, every marital act has to be open to creation of new life (hence, the pill, condoms, intrauterine devices, etc. are immoral, because they try to prevent the conception of a new life), and creation of new life should only take place within the marital act (this means that in vitro fertilization and cloning are immoral, because a new human life is created in a test tube, without the expression of love and unity that’s characteristic to the marital act). In other words, it is sinfiul to dissociate the unitive and procreative aspects of the marital act from each other. Sex with ABC is unitive without being procreative, and in vitro fertilization is procreative without being unitive. Although the various Protestant denominations do not have such a clear teaching and unified stance on the issue as we Catholics, many Protestants have come to accept and enthusiastically agree with the teachings of our Church, because they have seen the devastation caused by birth control pills and in vitro fertilization methods, they have seen how these practices constitute an affront to the dignity of marriage and to the dignity of human life. So, chances are that your gf will be receptive to the teachings of the Catholic Church on these issues, but really, there should be no compromise in this area. Which leads me to a final observation, the two of you are not ready to marry each other and start physical intimacy with the possible consequence of conceiving a child, until you have agreed on the non-negotiable issues. But who knows, maybe your gf will see the truth and beauty of what our Church teaches, and become Catholic? That would be lovely! There’s nothing more beautiful than a family worshipping together, husband, wife, and children, in the same church.
 
I must admit, I find it very odd that your girlfriend is pressuring you into sex and you are not getting turned off by her and loosing respect for her.

She obviously has some issues she is not willing to look at. I don’t care how ‘immoral’ a woman is. All my girl friends always appreciated respect and wished to meet a man who would treat them right.

I think you need to seriously think about how much more time you want to spend trying to get her to see things your way

CM
 
descout said:
Is there any good information out there on this? I am trying to show my girlfirend the importance of this to me. She seems to think that sex is “love”, “connection”, etc. I am trying to show her that I see love in so many more ways. Such as being there for her, respecting her, etc. and that sex is to be only for married couples. I would like her to understand that me saying no to sex is not like me saying I dont “love” you but rather I Love you! Because to me I feel I am respecting her by saying no. Right now in order to move forward in our relationship I have said we need to find her faith and my faith. I am Catholic and am loving it more and more each day. She is non denominational and is still searching for the “right” church for her. One place we both thought we had common ground was the bible but it seems even tho she knows that fornication is a no no in the bible she still thinks it is right because of her needs or understanding of the term sex. I guess I am just looking for some good info on how to get my beliefs accross to her and that in order to move foward in faith we need to follow the bible. I am not very good at writing my feelings out on paper but I pray that someone will understand and be able to answer. I can only imagine that I am not the only one in this situation!
Click to expand...
Cut to the chase. Premarital sex is sin against God and that God is the first love of your life and explain why this is. If she accepts this, then you have gained a possible sister as well; if not, then pray for another gorl and treat this as a cancer. For if God is not first in your life, then any other relationship beyond that will have more troubles than it will be worth…all relationships are difficult at times…no need to add trouble with God

If you do not know the Gospel of your salvation and/or you do not know how to explain to her from Scripture, then you may want to take a few steps back before proceeding forward. My 2 cents of many and I wish you both God’s very best!!

Beth

PS If you give in to temptation, then who knowing the truth of the premarital goings-on would marry the two of you without violating the Word of God? Something else to consider, you see sin can have a direct and/or indirect effect. Israel is a great example and there are examples in the NT as well.
 
While it’s obviously unfortunate that she does not see that loving God is her top priority in life (which obviously includes following His laws), she’s just trying to do what the culture, her culture, tells her to do, day in and day out. And at least she likes you, so that’s a start.

Maybe you should tell her that to be a Christian is to live an integrated life: you put God first, pray at all times without ceasing and treat everyone like they’re children of God. Following God’s laws is a prayer. And since the human body is the temple of the Holy Spirit of God, it is an affront to Him to defile that temple.

And so to be a Christian is to be counter-cultural. If she wants to stay with you, she’s going to be bucking the system and going against the world. That’s the Christian path. And she has to be clear on that, and ready for that or else she cannot move forward with you.

It’s pretty intense but any woman who wants to be with you, a Christian man, has to be ready to sign up for the spiritual Marine Corps. Because you’re already in it and it’s for life. If she cannot commit to living her life for God then she’s just going to drag you down, brother.
 
www.chastity.com

Under the Q&A tabs,I think you’ll find a ton of information.

If your girlfriend doesn’t like it - ditch her. If she can’t see that you are trying to respect her and give your relationship a chance she either has some issues (you might want to get to the root of that problem, if you love her) or she’s just too worldly for you as a Catholic.

Don’t worry dude. I’ve let go of a few women because sometimes they really don’t know whats good for them but you can’t exactly shove it down their throats. If they want their sex, they’ll get it, just not from you.

You’re a good guy, and you deserve a girl who not only appreciates that but will reflect it and want to be a better girl for you too 👍
 
There a lot of people on here stating the obvious. :rolleyes: The OP knows that sex before marriage is a sin and wants to wait until he’s married. Anyway…

It sounds as though you two are pretty young. How long have you guys been going out? You could always sit down and have the marriage talk, I guess that way she has something to look towards. Otherwise, your challenge is to convince her why it is important to wait; and when I say convince, I mean for you to do so in your own words, not verbatim from some essay or book Fr Cortez wrote. If you two can reach a convergence of opinion on that matter, you’ll have an easier time. But I wouldn’t go and ditch her over it.
 
Let me just add.

It might seem really harsh, rash, silly, to dump her over this issue.

But in my humble, juvenile experience this might not be an isolated issue? There may be other things. Abortion? Contraception? Heck, there are a lot of important issues. It’s something to consider.

But the main point I wanted to add was this, and yeah I know, the source of the quote is rather the exact opposite to what we stand for, but it kinda of relates to this, and it is something to dwell on. Anyway, in a Marilyn Manson song he says:

“Dont try to lead me into temptation/I already know the way”

He’s an idiot, yes. But that makes me think a lot of the time when I am considering people’s advice/peer pressure. We are called to lead others to Christ, and to marry someone who will lead us to Christ… but if they are on the road to temptation and know the way, isn’t it that little bit harder for you to stay on the right road? Just a thought.
 
descout said:
Is there any good information out there on this? I am trying to show my girlfirend the importance of this to me. She seems to think that sex is “love”, “connection”, etc. I am trying to show her that I see love in so many more ways. Such as being there for her, respecting her, etc. and that sex is to be only for married couples. I would like her to understand that me saying no to sex is not like me saying I dont “love” you but rather I Love you! Because to me I feel I am respecting her by saying no. Right now in order to move forward in our relationship I have said we need to find her faith and my faith. I am Catholic and am loving it more and more each day. She is non denominational and is still searching for the “right” church for her. One place we both thought we had common ground was the bible but it seems even tho she knows that fornication is a no no in the bible she still thinks it is right because of her needs or understanding of the term sex. I guess I am just looking for some good info on how to get my beliefs accross to her and that in order to move foward in faith we need to follow the bible. I am not very good at writing my feelings out on paper but I pray that someone will understand and be able to answer. I can only imagine that I am not the only one in this situation!
Click to expand...
Unfortunately, you must be prepared to find another girl, if she is unwilling to consider your position.
Since she doesn’t have the same moral and ethical beliefs that you have, does not believe what she reads in the Bible, etc., getting married to someone like this could be a very difficult road for you. Remember, that marriage is for life, and she may have no foundation to believe that either.
 
Thank you all for your (name removed by moderator)uts and responses. I have taken a lot of them to heart and have got some ideas on how to discuss these issues with her. I ask for you all to pray that the Holy Spirit be with me and guides me in my way in this matter.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top