I need some advice

[Firebug]

Hi everyone! I should probably get down right to the point, to make things clearer, and more understandable.

Okay, last night, I was chatting with some friends of mine online ( I don’t know them all that well, but I have a pretty good idea, as we all keep fish, and that’s how we met), and I found out that there is one guy in particular that has “liked” me for some time now, and I must admit that I have “liked” him for a couple of weeks and have just pushed that to the back of my mind thinking that I was just being silly about it. And I’ve got 3 things I’ve got to think about here.

1. I don't know what you guys thing about relationships with people that you met online, but I'm not totally against it. I understand that a person can portray themselves however they please, and that you have to be certain that they're who they say they are. I would never give out personal information (phone #, address, last name) until I am positive I *know* who this person is.

2. We live in different states (he in Texas, I in Colorado). I've never had a long distant relationship before, so I am naive about how difficult this could be.

3. He is 9 years my senior. I'm 19, therefore making him 28. Any advice you can give me about this? Is it too much of an age difference? I don't mind that he is that much older.
   
   I need to decide whethere I can go on, and get to know him even better, or if I should just forget about it. I can say this, I feel very different about this guy..It's not easy for me to fall for a guy this hard, and it's just a way different "liking" than I've every known before.

   Advice is much appreciated!
   -Christina

 

[jman507]

The internet can be fine, but be careful. The more you get to know the other the better. The more you talk to him, the better you can tell if he is telling the truth. The distance will be tough on a relationship, but is workable too. But tough.

I guess I wonder why you want to get in a relationship and why he wants to get in a relationship? Are you both going to get in the relationship cause you care for each other, or care to be in a relationship, or even care about getting the other in bed? Love is much more than a feeling, it must be active. There must be love even when you don’t feel like it. The feeling is consolation from God to give you inspiration to do your real mission, to love the other and do what your calling leads you (whaterever that is for you).

I’m sure you’ll get a lot more advice than this though.

 

[Shiann]

I’m cool with number 1 and number 2. You sound like you have a level head and have a healthy skepticism about those points. I won’t rehash here. I’m sure you know what the right thing is regarding those points.

That said, number three piqued my interest. I understand you have a commonality with this person- and that is a great place to start. All relationships start with a common thread. But as we get to know people better, we automatically establish the boundries of where that relationship will go. We get to understand their likes, dislikes, experiences, philosophies and opinions- and compare them with our own. We then make a good judgement about where that places them in our life.

I have been there- and I had daily face to face interaction with my 28 yo friend. Please use the good judgement that God and your parents have given you, and rethink this scenerio. Try not to be jaded about it. Just be intellectually honest with yourself.

I’m sure you have heard all the arguments against the large age difference so young in life. Well, the arguments have validity. Other than raising fish, what does a 28 year old have in common with a 19 year old- that would be particularly beneficial for a romantic relationship?

I have friends of all ages. I chose, at 19 to have a romantic relationship with my 28 year old friend. I have always been mature for my age, and considered the age difference to be a lot less than 9 years “mentally and emotionally”. But what I didn’t consider was the life experiences that shape all of us.

When our grandparents and great grandparents married with large age differences, it wasn’t as big a deal. For one thing- women of the time had a certain role. They were prepared for that role as early as 16. The role? Married life. Men were protectors, and providers. Their role was set when they had the means to protect and provide. For some men, that was later in life. They had opportunities for education and business that were just not available to women that postponed their ability to pursue romantic relationships to marriage.

The point is, romantic relationships 50 years ago (and more) had moral and societal boundries that helped guide the couple to successfull relationships. Age really didn’t matter as they were both of the same mind in the relationship.

Relationships today, depend a great deal more on that common thread we discussed above. There are not the moral and societal boundries that guide a couple through the relationship. The object today is for couples to establish as many common threads as they can- and make sure that there are no ideas or philosophies that would easily destroy those threads. (Like incompatible religious views, and such).

Experience is the teacher today. People would rather DO and find out rather than BE TOLD and trust. This is why these large age differences are more likely to fail. Because your experiences are 9 years behind his. Your learning is far behind his by proof of the age difference.

Granted, some people live sheltered lives versus others- and this might even be the case between you and this person. But I’m sure if you thought of the most mature 15 or 16 year old you can think of, you would most likely not wish to date them- and you even feel a little repulsion at the thought of being romantic with someone that young. Now remember many of our ancestors and relatives were married at 16 and 17. And you are inviting a situation where the age difference is MUCH greater than a couple of years.

Look, I don’t want to discourage a friendship with this person. Some of my most trusted friends are upwards of twice my age! And I certainly believe that the age difference of nine years becomes less and less an issue as one gets older- though the experience issue never really goes away. I believe because of our natural tendency to rely on experience as our main or only teacher.

I apologize for my little soapbox tirade here, but PLEASE believe me when I say that I have walked in your shoes. It is not a fun road to travel- and though it can be full of much fun and joy and even love, it has much peril as well. There can be issues lurking here that can be overwhelming to a new adult.

My prayers are with you.

 

[Island_Oak]

It’s not just the age difference–it’s that the life experience of a 19 y.o. vs. 28 y.o. is dramatically different. Couple that with this being a long-distance relationship–where you have no opportunity to get to know this man in his normal routine, his friends, habits, community, family, etc., and would have to travel/spend the night to see him…sounds like a good thing to take a pass on…and focus on the local talent closer to your own age.

 

[YinYangMom]

There’s one quick way to find out before getting deeper involved.

Start asking the real questions:

1. Is he a religious man? If so, of what faith.
2. Ask if he knows the teachings of his church on matters of sex and marriage, and if he abides by those teachings or not…and if not, why not.

The answers to those two question will cut to the chase and save you a lot of grief. Age difference isn’t an issue if his moral beliefs are not in line with yours.

If his morals are in line with Catholic teaching then continue the path of finding out more about each others’ goals and aspirations to see if there’s a good fit.

Otherwise, place him in the category of "friend’ and continue to talk about fish and other things you have in common - dating and marriage not being one of those.

 

[Firebug]

Thanks so much for the (name removed by moderator)ut!!
YinYangMom:
This is my intent. I plan on pummeling him with questions about God, and his beliefs about it before we go any farther. I am doing this because my goal in life is to please God and to live by His guidelines (He’s my #1 Priority).
jman507:
I"m not sure what his intent is ( I will find out soon enough), but I know that I’m not doing this for a “good time”. It would be for LIFE, and for God.
Shiann:
The maturity thing got to me too. I know that there is a great chance that this won’t work, because I don’t know if I am mature enough. Many people, including my family, have told me that I am unusually mature for my age, but am I mature enough. I am glad that you told me your story, it will help me a lot.
I think right now, we should take it very slow, and catious. I don’t want to lead him on. I think he’ll be staying in the “friend” category until I can get to know him better. (if you have more to say, I’m willing to hear you out! so don’t be shy!! )

 

[Shiann]

Firebug:

Thanks so much for the (name removed by moderator)ut!!
YinYangMom:
This is my intent. I plan on pummeling him with questions about God, and his beliefs about it before we go any farther. I am doing this because my goal in life is to please God and to live by His guidelines (He’s my #1 Priority).
jman507:
I"m not sure what his intent is ( I will find out soon enough), but I know that I’m not doing this for a “good time”. It would be for LIFE, and for God.
Shiann:
The maturity thing got to me too. I know that there is a great chance that this won’t work, because I don’t know if I am mature enough. Many people, including my family, have told me that I am unusually mature for my age, but am I mature enough. I am glad that you told me your story, it will help me a lot.
I think right now, we should take it very slow, and catious. I don’t want to lead him on. I think he’ll be staying in the “friend” category until I can get to know him better. (if you have more to say, I’m willing to hear you out! so don’t be shy!! )

Good for you!

I hope my daughter develops the clear head that you seem to have. Just don’t let fancy talk and promises sway your convictions.

(As it did me.)

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Firebug:

This is my intent. I plan on pummeling him with questions about God, and his beliefs about it before we go any farther. I am doing this because my goal in life is to please God and to live by His guidelines (He’s my #1 Priority).

Pummeling him with questions about God? LOL

Sorry, but that just made me laugh.

But seriously, it sounds like you have a pretty good handle on this, and I don’t doubt your maturity. Like others have said, it’s more about life experience.

There is an incredible amount of growth for us women between the ages of 18 and 25. I was an extremely mature teen and young adult. But I noticed many changes in the way I thought by the time I reached 25.

I am sure if you asked this guy what he was like at 19 compared to now he would note a lot of changes (I hope!).

I am not saying that a relationship with that age difference is doomed, but it definitely has some drawbacks. Add to that the fact that it would be long distance and I think you may be setting yourself up for failure.

Oh, and back to your original statement about pummeling him with questions, lol,… have you already discussed with him your strong belief in God and your faith?

The reason I ask is because there are men out there who prey on younger women because they view them as easy to manipulate. They get very good at giving you the answers that you want to hear. If you want to make sure you are getting the truth from him, it is best to ask questions that he has no idea of what you would consider to be the “right” answer.

Oh, and one more piece of advice (assuming that you have good parents) is to trust the advice given to you by your parents, especially your mom. I think all of us have times in our life where we look back and see the mistakes we could have avoided if we would have only listened to our mothers.:yup:

Malia

 

[YinYangMom]

Feanaro's Wife:

There is an incredible amount of growth for us women between the ages of 18 and 25. I was an extremely mature teen and young adult. But I noticed many changes in the way I thought by the time I reached 25.

Oh yeah! What a mind bender that was for me. I still can’t understand how it was I was sooooo sure of myself between 18-25, as if I had total control over all my surroundings…must be hormones…they’re tricky little devils

 

[Firebug]

Malia:
Glad that made you laugh!

 He has no clue what religion I am, nor how strong my beliefs are. Usually I'm the one who asks the interviewing questions! :p

Heh…I wish I was more sure of myself! I always have to think through things at least twice!

I believe “hesitant” is the word I’m looking for!

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Firebug:

I believe “hesitant” is the word I’m looking for!

Nothing wrong with being hesitant. I’d also call that cautious. As long as you don’t allow it to become paralyzing and make you unable to make any sort of decision, I don’t see anything wrong with having to think things through a bit more.

Don’t worry.

Malia

 

[jman507]

The age thing did strike me. It seems some would be mature enough at 19, but most wouldn’t be. One thing that’d probably matter the most is if you both have a good idea what both should be. Otherwise you run the risk of feeling like your trapped in something you don’t want.

If the relationship takes a few years to develope then I wouldn’t see the age difference so big. I don’t know if both are looking to have the same time line though? The maturity between 18-25 seems huge, but it seems the biggest chuck of it is 18-22. If you have any wild life changing ideas at that time, the relationship will have withstood it and taken that into consideration. A few years is quite a while to get to know a person, well atleast better than a few months.

There are things that make me say this might be a little bit too big to chew, but sometimes you must take those risks. If there is one thing worth taking that risk for it would be marriage, but you want to remain cautious, cause you want to know what your getting and that it is good and worth it.

 

[Ruthie]

When I was your age, I was also considered to be quite mature. When I was 16, I could get in to any bar and not get carded - which should indicate something about my real level of maturity.

In my case, my early maturity meant that I had skipped part of growing up. I had to finish it later - when I was in my 30’s! I hope that’s not true for you. Of course, I was raised Unitarian - meaning liberal, secular humanist, moral relativity…

I have one practical piece of advice for you. There are websites on the Net where you can get a background check on someone for under $25. Once you have his name and city, spend the money. Find out if he’s had any convictions, or any marriages!

Be good and God Bless!

 

[Firebug]

Ruthie, Thanks for the advice! I would have never thought to get a background check on him! I myself stil question my level of maturity. I have talked with some friends about it, and one (I met her at the same place…not in real life) says “it’s not like you’re getting married or anything, just have some fun!”
So maybe I am taking this a bit seriously now…but I thought that was the right way to take it…

 

[jman507]

Yeah the background check sounds like a good thing, just being prudent given the distance.

You say you question you maturity at times, which seems good and honest. I think you should spend more time getting to know him and don’t try to get real serious for the time being, and especially if he feels the same way. While it’s a bit early to really be thinking of marriage, you should be thinking about keeping it open for later. I mean it should be the eventual goal, or once it is out the window drop the relationship. You should always be discerning though, discerning what your marriage should be, the wife you should be and the husband you should look for.

 

[Mike_Dye]

I have not read all the previous posts but I believe meeting someone online is ok…My problem is the age difference. Nine years would be ok if he were 50 and you were 41, But in my opinion 19 and 28 may be a problem.
Mike

 

[StCsDavid]

Firebug:

1. He is 9 years my senior. I’m 19, therefore making him 28. Any advice you can give me about this? Is it too much of an age difference? I don’t mind that he is that much older.

What does a 28 year old man want with a 19 year old girl? It seems odd he wouldn’t want someone closer to his own age and maturity level.

Think about this…when he was 19, you were 10. Now think about how much more you know; how much you have grown and matured since you were 10. Double that, and you will know how much more you have yet to learn and experience by the time you’re 28. Would you date a 10 year-old? Of course not. Could you manipulate a 10 year-old if you wanted to…pretty easily. If you were my daughter I would tell you to keep the relationship platonic on the net and leave it at that.

 

[Firebug]

StCsDavid:

What does a 28 year old man want with a 19 year old girl?

Again, I don’t know what his intent is just yet. We’ve not gotten the chance really to chat things over. I know some things, just not all. When he was about my age, he wasn’t ready for anything serious, now that he is, he can’t find anybody serious enough (ladies his own age). I really see nothng wrong with the age differences as long as his intent is good, and we’re of the same beliefs. Why not? If God want’s it to work, then it can, and will work out.
My grandfather married my grandmother, and they are almost 14 years apart, and she was 16 when she got married. I know the times have changed A LOT since then, and that people were more mature back then…So are you telling me that there are no exceptions these days? I think my parents have done a great job raising me. I attend Mass every sunday, abstain from meat every friday, and so on. Please help me understand why age difference is such a big deal. We live in a corrupt world, but that doesn’t mean every guy out there has a bad intent. The fact that we are a few hundred miles away could prove that he doesn’t just want to go to bed…If he wanted to do that, he’d get one that was 5 minutes away.

Thanks

 

[Forest-Pine]

Hey! I don’t mind so much the age thing as I do the distance in regards to your pummeling him with questions.

When I was 17, I had a long-distance relationship. We met while I was visiting family and he was absolutely GREAT! He was a devout Christian. His actions matched his words. I was honestly mature enough for marriage at the time and had my head about me. He seemed to mirror that maturity. I addressed it pretty much the same way as you.

The problem, I found out after much heart-ache is this: when in a long-distance relationship during the formulation of said relationship, you never have a chance to see the finer details of a person’s life. It is quite different than the sustaining of an already formulated relationship!

Sure, it is difficult to keep up a long-distance relationship. But it is also do-able, and we hear about it all the time. The problem is STARTING a long-distance relationship. I talked to my bf twice a day and we wrote each other lengthy letters every single day. We knew all there was to know about each other! But not really. All the little day-to-day details were things I would have never put up with if I hadn’t already fallen in love with him. Sure, the conversations were thorough and every single day. But it was also only the parts of the day that he wanted me to hear about. He wasn’t purposefully deceiving me (most of the time), but inherently wasn’t going to say things he knew would make me not want to be with him. That first date attitude where you do your hair and agonize over breath mints–that time frame is extended throughout your entire long-distance relationship. You’re still putting your best face forward. But you have already become so intimate (emotionally) that you don’t see it that way at the time.

You know they say something like 90% of speech is non-verbal. When you write and talk, you don’t see that. You don’t see if he looks a waiter in the eye. You don’t see if he holds the door open after the tenth date, and not just the first. You don’t see if he drives inconsiderately. You don’t see if he clenches his jaw. You don’t see the look on his face when a kid asks him to read a story. Or when the dog whines to go out. All these little details that really show who he is and what his character is are completely missing.
I strongly suggest you just look at him as a friend and if an opportunity arose at any point in time in the future where you could take the time to get to know him, then you could re-address then. If you don’t have that opportunity, then everything would be for naught anyway. If you do, why waste the time now in jumping the gun when you’ll get to the same place anyway?

 

[StCsDavid]

Firebug:

When he was about my age, he wasn’t ready for anything serious, now that he is, he can’t find anybody serious enough (ladies his own age). I really see nothng wrong with the age differences as long as his intent is good, and we’re of the same beliefs. Why not? If God want’s it to work, then it can, and will work out.
Thanks

Because you are 19, you truly believe that intent is all one needs to consider. Because you are 19, you don’t see what’s wrong with the age difference. Because you are 19, this is must be something that God wants to work out. Okay, let me be blunt since you’re probably going to ignore my advice anyway…I’ve been 19…I’ve been 28…and now, okay, I’m in my 40s. I’ve seen more than twice of life than you have and my life experience has taken me to some pretty wonderful places and some freightenly dark places. To say he can’t find someone in his area is just plain poppycock. Puhhhhlease. You’re absolutely correct in that not all men are bad, but kid, 28-year old good men don’t court 19-year-olds on the Internet. Sorry. It just sound too dubious. RUN! RUN LIKE THE WIND from this guy. Don’t let that longing to belong to someone compromise your judgement. And while you’re pondering God, consider that perhaps he brought you to this forum for a reason.