I need some advice

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StCsDavid:
Because you are 19, you truly believe that intent is all one needs to consider. Because you are 19, you don’t see what’s wrong with the age difference. Because you are 19, this is must be something that God wants to work out. Okay, let me be blunt since you’re probably going to ignore my advice anyway…I’ve been 19…I’ve been 28…and now, okay, I’m in my 40s. I’ve seen more than twice of life than you have and my life experience has taken me to some pretty wonderful places and some freightenly dark places. To say he can’t find someone in his area is just plain poppycock. Puhhhhlease. You’re absolutely correct in that not all men are bad, but kid, 28-year old good men don’t court 19-year-olds on the Internet. Sorry. It just sound too dubious. RUN! RUN LIKE THE WIND from this guy. Don’t let that longing to belong to someone compromise your judgement. And while you’re pondering God, consider that perhaps he brought you to this forum for a reason.🙂
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Best advice yet.
 
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StCsDavid:
Because you are 19, you truly believe that intent is all one needs to consider. Because you are 19, you don’t see what’s wrong with the age difference. Because you are 19, this is must be something that God wants to work out. Okay, let me be blunt since you’re probably going to ignore my advice anyway…I’ve been 19…I’ve been 28…and now, okay, I’m in my 40s. I’ve seen more than twice of life than you have and my life experience has taken me to some pretty wonderful places and some freightenly dark places. To say he can’t find someone in his area is just plain poppycock. Puhhhhlease. You’re absolutely correct in that not all men are bad, but kid, 28-year old good men don’t court 19-year-olds on the Internet. Sorry. It just sound too dubious. RUN! RUN LIKE THE WIND from this guy. Don’t let that longing to belong to someone compromise your judgement. And while you’re pondering God, consider that perhaps he brought you to this forum for a reason.🙂
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You know what?
You’re right. I just feel that I’m ready to move on to the next stage in life, and am just trying to find a way to think that God would want this. I have prayed to God about this for several days now, and with you guys’ help and advice, I’ve come to realize that there’s no way this is going to work, especially with the lifestyle that I live.
StCsDavid: If even you, a stranger, that I’ve never talked to before, told me to run from this, then I couldn’t imagine what my father would say. And I’m obviously not as mature as I thought I was (which embarasses me to say, but hey, it’s true!). Every hour that I have thought more on this, and pray about it, it just doesn’t look good, nonetheless, possible for me right now.
God bless every one of you! 🙂
~Christina
 
The fact that you are asking these questions perhaps suggests there is some doubt in your mind.

When I was a teenager and in my early twenties, I had a convenient excuse to avoid romantic entanglements that I wasn’t ready for. I had to get my education and my military service out of the way. The extra time gave me an opportunity to get a fix on the direction I wanted to go with my life. If I had married early and had a wife and children early, I would have been unable to get some essential growing out of the way first. It would have been a miserable time for everyone… [was no bed of roses for them later, either!]
 
Al:
And then there’s the fact that I will soon (hopefully, if everything goes through okay) be attending college. This guy is already in a career, and I don’t want to have to move away from my family in the next few years.
I wasn’t “doubting”, but rather gathering opinions. I think it’s good to asak opinions, it gives you extra time to decide. 🙂
 
Dear Firebug,

I have sisters, one of whom is the second youngest and also 19 years old. If she were in this situation, I would look at other circumstances in her life that could indicate to me why an older man at a great distance might be attractive to her.

I remember you posting about your mother passing away very recently, not even two months ago. Do you think maybe that in missing your mother very much, you also miss the intimacy you had with her and the unconditional love, affirmation and reassurance that she gave you? Sometimes an older man can seem very solid and confident, very experienced and world-savvy. He also has the ability to be more insightful into a young woman’s heart than maybe some of her same-age counterparts. This can be very attractive to us when maybe we feel a little lost and without guidance–something a parent typically offers us. We feel a sense of peace and of being taken care of when we connect with someone we feel “understands” us. Maybe at the age of 19, we’ve only experienced others “understanding” us in the context of close friends–or parents.

I also think that for someone who has lost such a dear and irreplaceable person in her life, when the wound is very fresh, though we long for intimacy we also want to stay safe. The long distance AND the internet are two huge barriers. The idea of getting “close” to someone despite those factors can be more attractive when we have recently lost someone, because we are afraid of getting hurt again. It feels more safe to have barriers in place to act as a buffer.

Anyway, I did read that you are not interested in pursuing this particular path at this time, and I think that’s a very wise and mature decision. Please also understand that I do not mean to make any assumptions about you! I just think you are at a very vulnerable time in your life and that the grief process is a looooooooong road. Though you may feel “all better,” it’s only been a couple months since losing your mother and much more healing needs to take place still. Please just be aware of your vulnerability and think about doing some more healing before pursuing a relationship if future scenarios arise. 🙂

God bless you,
Abby
 
Yes, I understand what you mean, Abby. 🙂
I think, subconciously, I am trying to fill this void (which I know will never be filled). My mother was not just a mother…She was my BEST friend. We had a very unusual relationship (a lot of teenagers don’t get along with their parents too well).
In a way, I don’t ever want to love anybody, because I know I’ll lose them eventually. That’s a very scary thought for me right now. Why I was wanting this to work, I don’t know…I guess because if things didn’t go right, I could easily back out, since we’re so far apart. I need somebody that I can confide in, love, trust… I know that she would be disappointed in me. She has told me she doesn’t want me to find anybody online (she was very conservative). I don’t see anything wrong with it…Nor do I see anything wrong with the age difference. I need a place to get away from everything, I want to forget everything that has happened to me…I think I’m lucky I haven’t resorted to using drugs to block these out! :o
Sorry for the rant… It’s just so hard, and I want everything to be better…And I know that my mother is never going to come back. Something I just need to accept, but can’t. I don’t even want to be here right now. I want to start over again, someplace else, that doesn’t remind me of her (everything does).
 
As a girl your age who also uses the internet a lot and has made friends over it here and there (mainly on this board and a local band’s board I go on), I have had to learn how to be safe and careful everywhere I look. Basically, I say get out of this as fast as possible…all three of your options send up warnings for me. A: you can never truly know who someone is on the internet, it’s just not safe…there are so many cases out there of people who someone trusted and “knew” completely online and then suddenly it turned into a nightmare…I mean, girls being raped and murdered by those people they trusted. I’m not saying this is the case with this guy, but the safest way to protect yourself is just to not let the opportunity in B: Especially if you’re starting a new relationship, you need to be able to spend time with the person, get to know them, and as in number one, you can’t do that over the internet C: 19 and 28 is a HUGE difference…he was already out of high school when you were BORN…
Basically, staying friends is the safest option, no matter what. Good luck:)
 
So sorry to hear about your mother, I know that hurts a lot, I lost mine too a few years ago, but I am old enough to be your mother, or grandmother maybe, 😃 , anyway, there was no internet when I was your age, and no way on earth would I find someone on the internet that I would want to date. Blind dates were bad enough a long time ago, (friends would set one another up with someone they thought would be perfect for you) ugh!! More than likely they were the person who would make you cringe all night and after you got back home you would be so glad to be there. It is funny too because I actually met someone once, only ONCE, that I really liked, and he me too, and then we dated for almost two years and then his parents moved to another state and of course he had to go too, we were both close to 18 and neither of us had enough sense to write to the other, funny now, but at the time it was just like, well, he’s moving, what can we do? Bye was all we thought of. We were very immature apparently.
 
Dear Firebug,

Thank you so much for sharing. I think it’s very courageous of you to be so honest with yourself and all of us about this issue. Losing your mother is traumatic for anyone, at ANY age, but 19 is so young still… I always picture my 19 year old sister when I think of you, so I feel like running off and giving her a big hug right now. Instead, I’ll type one to you: HUG 🙂

Are you talking to anyone about these feelings? About missing your mom so desperately and sometimes wishing yourself away from all the pain? Have you explored finding a grief counselor in your area?

I think your mother would want you to protect yourself. Your emotions are very vulnerable right now, and the temptation to fill your heart up with whatever looks comforting at first glance is extremely huge. But please know, in advance, that you don’t want to do this! 🙂 It sounds like you DO know this, but as time wears on, there might be situations that arise which give you some confusion. I really encourage you to seek counseling and the direction of a professional grief counselor who can help you in understanding how you feel–and how to feel better.

I don’t think your mother is disappointed in you, Firebug. I think she is watching above, from Heaven, and seeing how lonely and sad her dear little girl is. I know that she is praying for your emotional and physical safety and health. I know that she wants you to make good choices. I also know that she understands this is a very confusing time for you.

Please give yourself time to heal. Losing a mother is traumatic for ANYONE, at ANY age, but 19 is soooo young. Let yourself recover before jumping into a situation that might leave you more hurt and/or perpetuate these feelings of being afraid to love someone. Someday your heart will be whole again and loving won’t seem so scary. But seek the help you need!

I will keep praying for you.

Abby
 
Abby,
Thank you so much!🙂 I have told my father, brother, and sister some of what I feel. I don’t think I could tell them everything, they’re going through the same feelings, I’m sure, and I don’t wish to burden them with my problems. I don’t really want to see a counselor about this. The only person that even comes close to being told is my brother. I would tell him anything, and he’d help me get back on track (he’s almost as conservative as my mother). But he’s having an even tougher time, so I don’t like to do this! 😦
 
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Firebug:
Abby,
Thank you so much!🙂 I have told my father, brother, and sister some of what I feel. I don’t think I could tell them everything, they’re going through the same feelings, I’m sure, and I don’t wish to burden them with my problems. I don’t really want to see a counselor about this. The only person that even comes close to being told is my brother. I would tell him anything, and he’d help me get back on track (he’s almost as conservative as my mother). But he’s having an even tougher time, so I don’t like to do this! 😦
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I’m sure you’re right that your remaining family is struggling with all the same feelings. It is such a tough time for all of you. Can I ask why you don’t want to see a counselor? Does the pain feel too deep to describe? Are you a little shy and don’t feel that you can open up to someone you don’t know?

I do hope that you change your mind, but if you don’t, please just keep talking about it to those who love you (including this forum). It’s important to get those feelings out.

I’ll keep praying for you. 🙂
 
Our diocese has a counseling office. The people who work there are full psychologists, and also Catholic. Our church also has a ministry for the grieving. Why don’t you call your church and ask if they know where to connect you to talk about grieving the loss of a loved one?

I know a lot of people who don’t want to talk to a counselor.

Some say talking about it isn’t going to change anything. Yes, it will. It will change how you are able to respond.

Some say they don’t have the money. The church will see you on a sliding scale.

Some say they don’t want to talk about it with a stanger. That stranger has talked to a whole lot of people who were in your shoes. It is her job to help them! She isn’t there to judge you, and she does know what is going on.

Some say they don’t want to go through grief like a textbook, being told “Next you MUST be angry.” A good counselor is not like this at all! S/He takes the position you are in at the moment and works with you to find your next goal.

Some just don’t want to talk about it. This is very unhealthy as it supresses those childish feelings you have of just wanting to scream. Then cry. Then despair. You bottle it up to stay strong. Not wise.

Some don’t want to admit they are vulnerable because they are staying strong for others. You can’t be strong for others unless you first take care of the basics for yourself.

Some don’t like the idea of counseling with the whole dimly lit room, lie down on the couch bit. It is nothing like this! Usually, there are some chairs to chose from, and the room is bright.

Some are worried about the less-mainstream practices (like being “re-born” out of a blanket) and they don’t want to subject themselves to embarrasment. Most counselors are not like this, and all will tell you their methods before you come in.

Some say they don’t have the time to go to counseling. An hour a week to help you pick up the pieces of your life compared to how many hours it will take you every week to keep ignoring that it is in pieces or trying to fit them back together simply does not compare.

Some think they already know what is going to be said. Even if they do, there is healing in actually saying it.

Some don’t want to admit that they are going through a painful period in life. For them, I offer my prayers.

Anywho, if any on this list describes you, I hope you will re-evaluate your position. It took me a long time to get someone I know to go to counseling, but then once he went he wondered why he ever waited so long.

A counselor will not make you forget your mother. S/He will help you to process your grief so that you can remember your mother with love and sadness and fondness, but not with grief.

You remind me a lot of myself at your age. You honestly ARE mature. You honestly ARE in touch with what is going on. You are able to think about it and analyze it. You aren’t going through the grief like some other people you are seeing. You really have a better grip than most 19 year olds in your situation do. There are still some times that you need to ask someone for a little guidance and advice. I think you even recognized this above. If you need to for a little thing like pursuing a relationship, think how much more so you’ll need a support network for something as great as losing your mother and best friend. Your family, as you note, is not in a position to be there for you the way you need because they are going through the same thing. Maybe even being more emotional about it (maybe causing you to be even stronger emotionally for them). A grief counselor would be there for you like you are there for your family. I think it would be wise as well.
 
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